


Phoenix Ascending - Falling to Ashes

by Ikarus_vs_the_sun



Series: Phoenix Ascending [1]
Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Dalton Family - Freeform, Gen, Mac Whump, Mentions attempted suicide, Suspense, Whump, dark mac
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-01
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:07:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 34
Words: 103,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25648558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ikarus_vs_the_sun/pseuds/Ikarus_vs_the_sun
Summary: Matty thought that if Jack was back, things would finally get back to normal, because who else was capable of keeping Mac from falling apart and doing something stupid, right? But with Codex around, Mac doesn’t have any other option and does just that - something very stupid.For Russ it is now very clear where Mac’s loyalties lie and Desi is ready to sacrifice what she once loved for the greater good. Jack, however, trusts his kid and is ready to do whatever it takes to protect him from Codex, from Russ and himself. But three years are a damn long time and whether the bond between them had survived, has to be proven when at the end the true reason for Russ’ obsession with Codex is revealed.Can Jack still help his kid when he threatens to break down under the pressure of the past events while Jack himself is dealing with the demons the past three years left him with? Can the Dalton family mend, what got broken?
Relationships: Angus MacGyver & Desiree "Desi" Nguyen, Angus MacGyver & Russ Taylor, Jack Dalton & Angus MacGyver (MacGyver TV 2016)
Series: Phoenix Ascending [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1859413
Comments: 229
Kudos: 98





	1. Prologue - The Letter

**Author's Note:**

> This is my idea of season four and how things could've turned out with much more drama. I'm not totally sticking to the canon, which means that I took what was useful for me and tossed aside what doesn't fit to my story.  
> I also tried to improve my writing with this story and it turned out to be a littel different from my first story. Thank you for reading. I hope you have fun!

_Dear Matty,_

_if you receive this letter, to say I fucked up will be an understatement. My plan failed royally and I’ve lost everything: my moral compass, my loyalties and most important, your trust. And, while I’m still convinced that this was the right thing to do and the only option I had, I also know that I cannot make good the damage done._

_John Rawls said that those, who are favoured by nature, may enjoy the fruits only to the extent that this also improves the situation of the disadvantaged. Those favoured by nature must not be given advantages simply because they are more gifted. No one deserves better natural abilities or a better place in society. And as hard as I believe that those, who have a gift, are obliged to contribute to society, having witnessed how we MacGyvers failed our obligation and turned to the contrary, shook me to the core. The past few weeks also taught me that such a gift is a dangerous thing._

_Although I’m sure that we might have contributed some good things in the past, the bad ones prevail. At this stage I came to the conclusion that the world is safer without us MacGyvers._

_I’m sorry for what I’ve done and for being such a pain. Please take care of the family, of Jack and Riley and Bozer. Desi will probably try to deal with the past events on her own, but maybe you could make some space in our family for her, too. Tell Russ that I understand his reasoning. I don’t hold a grudge. And please, don’t forget to take care of yourself._

_Thank you for everything._

Reading these words made her blood freeze in her veins. She grabbed her cell phone and punched speed dial while asking herself how within such a short time, things could have possibly gotten that bad whereas she hoped it would turn out for the better.


	2. Beating around the Bush

_A few weeks earlier – but time has become a blur for all of them_

Dozily she padded to the kitchen. She had become used to be the only occupant of the house and thus her new morning routine has become just that: a new morning routine. This routine was coupled with a new feeling of loneliness. Since she started her job at the Phoenix, she has never been really alone. Mac and Jack have always been there. Now they were gone. Mac left her, too, and nobody knew where he went or why.

After all that had happened, they feared for the worst. Russ pronounced his concerns regarding Mac’s mental stability upfront and while she felt offended by that, she had to admit that all the shit that had happened to Mac had to have an impact. It was bound to do something with Mac. Assuming the opposite was ridiculous.

She had hoped he would come to her and talk – open up to her. She had hoped that she could be there for him like he has been there for her over and over again. She had fooled herself into believing she could take Jack's place. Instead, Mac disappeared in a night and foggy action and nobody knew where he was. She was disappointed. She was hurt. The lack of trust that surfaced felt hostile.

Now, words like “defected” and “gone rogue” lingered in the atmosphere which was coated thick with tension. Russ was all in for that conclusion. He had lost his trust in Mac and now openly questioned his loyalties, while Matty tried to persuade them that Mac probably took a break. Remember Nigeria, she would tell them.

Riley never missed Jack as much as she did during the past weeks. He would’ve known what to do. He would’ve known how to keep Mac safe and stable. She couldn’t deny that her favourite blond operative slowly but continuously turned into a dangerous risk.

On her way to the coffee machine she spotted a familiar pair of well-worn boots by the door and a familiar set of keys lying on the kitchen counter. But that was all. No more signs. She felt her heart pound hard against her chest. All scepticism was forgotten when she tiptoed as silently as possible over the wooden floor to the bedroom, which had been abandoned for so long. When she reached the room, she silently opened the door and peaked inside.

Then she spotted him. Still asleep under a blanket piled up on him like he tried to hide from the rest of the world. And while the sisterly part of her found the sight particularly adorable, the other part of her prepared for a royal anger fit. How could he possibly disappear without as much as a word and then return the same way he left – clandestine and without a word of explanation?

Fuelled by anger, she went to the living room and grabbed a pillow from the couch and went on her wrath. When she reached his bed and still got no life sign, she swung out and hit him with the pillow using all force her fury permitted.

He was woken by a sharp pain running though his side. He bolted upright to fend off the attack and was rewarded with another blow to the side of his head, which sent him straight back onto the mattress.

“What the…fuck?” was all he managed to get out before another blow hit his already bruised side.

“How could you!?” she yelled at the edge of hysteria, while Mac recognised the familiar female voice that yelled at him and tried to collect his scrambled brains, which were distracted by the pain in his side.

“Riley?” he asked when he was eventually functioning more properly and hurled himself into an upright position ignoring his protesting ribs.

“You asshole!” Riley yelled at Mac and rewarded him with one final blow to the side of his head that sent him back onto the mattress – again. Watching Mac defenceless and at the mercy of her attack was balm for her soul and soothed her anger. Oblivious to the pain, which prevented Mac from firing on all cylinders necessary to fend off her onslaught, she watched Mac who stayed down while collecting his bearings. Getting upright was a slow process and it must have looked painful at some point. His movements were stiff and careful. He didn’t want to aggravate anything. When he finally managed to get back into a sitting position, he looked at Riley like an owl that fell of its tree. It was this moment when she saw his face and that the left side was covered in a large dark bruise accompanied by cuts on his forehead and around his eye.

“Mac?!” she exclaimed for the second time that morning after she realised that Mac must have gotten into a bad fight. She was worried. Meanwhile, Mac had a hard time collecting his bearings back together to face Riley’s attack. Her high-pitched voice rang in his ears like sirens. His battered side screamed in agony.

“Riley?” he asked for the second time that morning. He wanted to find out what got into her that he was greeted with such a harsh attack.

“What happened to your face?” she asked him. He winced at her question. Not only did the left side of his face make itself known to him, but he also feared that the explanation to her question, which would hopefully be delivered in the next couple of days, promised him another pillow attack. If not worse.

“I got into a fight,” he simply replied. He was well aware that this would not satisfy he. There was nothing better for him to say, though. Not now. He swallowed dryly when the reason for his absence was threatening to overwhelm him. He had to keep calm. He had to pretend that everything was right, for now. He shouldn’t make her suspicious.

“I see that. But when? And why? With whom?” she asked on. She was confused. First Mac disappeared and then reappeared all beaten up and didn’t give her a proper explanation. Mac, however, didn’t find a proper explanation which suited for the moment, because the building headache and the rough awakening stopped his brain from functioning properly. So, he just stayed mute and looked at her. He was relieved to see that she had dropped the pillow. Her expression had softened a little and changed from pissed off to wary.

“Where have you been Mac? It’s been two weeks,” she pressed for answers, while she wasn’t sure what she should do. Was she supposed to call Matty and Russ? Did they know that Mac was back?

“I can’t talk about that now, but…,” he told her honestly. He wanted to assure her that there would be an explanation coming soon and he begged for it to be a good one. Otherwise, he could no longer guarantee anything. However, as expected, his words didn’t satisfy Riley. The once abandoned pillow was forcefully hit into his face again.

“Cut it Mac and give me the truth!” Riley demanded. He wished he could give it to her. He really did, but he couldn't and he sensed that some warm and placating words were not enough to cease the battle Riley had called on. She raised her arm ready to smack him with the pillow again and again, until he would give her the truth, but Mac’s cell phone kept her from realising her plans. Mac has never been happier for his cell phone going off signalling him a message from Matty, which in her usual colourful wording demanded his presence in the war room. Riley glanced at him with her arms crossed in front of her chest.

“Matty wants us,” he said apologetically and held up his cell phone in defence.

“You’re lucky this time, but this conversation is. Not. Over,” Riley hissed emphasizing the last three words in a tone, which sent daggers down Mac’s spine.

Nevertheless, he sighed a breath of relief when Riley was gone and dropped back onto the mattress. He would have given his right hand for just another hour of decent sleep, but after Riley’s attack he didn’t feel well equipped for Matty’s wrath as topping. So, he crawled as carefully as he could out of his bed and took a hot shower instead.


	3. The Ides of March

Riley couldn’t deny that Mac’s movements were not only a little stiff when they walked to the war room. She had a little bit of a bad conscience, but she stuffed it away, because Mac still deserved her morning attack. When they arrived, everybody was already there. She didn’t miss the glances everybody threw at Mac. This was, what Mac had wanted to avoid: a welcome back gathering with a lot of question marks while he wasn’t yet allowed to talk about where he’s been the last few weeks. A fact that would leave everyone in the room unsatisfied.

Matty performed the arts of drawing the attention away from Mac by scolding Mac and Riley for being late using her typical colourful repertoire of words. She emphasised that while she didn’t expect anything else from Mac, Riley used to be a reliant team member. She made her point by huffing in disappointment at the end of her tirade.

Riley meekly apologised while Mac remained mute. He didn’t feel like talking. The shower did help – for the first five seconds. Now his body protested again in pain. Riley, meanwhile, observed the interaction among the team members in the room. She caught Matty’s angry glances which she threw at Russ who subtly shrugged his shoulders. Bozer and Desi exchanged looks of surprise. Riley understood that they must feel like she did this morning. Mac made use of this busy interaction and tried to blend into the background. He stepped a little back from the group hoping to evade the centre of attention.

“Taylor, would you please take Blondie to medical and make sure he stays there until he’s officially cleared?” Matty asked Russ exasperated. Mac sighed as his efforts to be inconspicuous evaporated when everybody turned around to him. He watched Bozer who was about to say something and Desi met him with scathing looks.

“Matty, I’m fine,” he replied, but neither she nor Riley nor anyone else in the room bought it, because it was obvious that he felt off. That didn’t change the fact that he didn’t want to go to medical. Not that he wasn’t tired as hell and felt like he could sleep one week through. He simply didn’t like the idea of being alone with his thoughts, something which started before that mission or to be more precisely after he had been a visitor in his own head and met his alter-ego. Since then he sought the distraction which kept him from going down a path, which by matter of fact was so rational, but as horrible at once.

“Cut it Blondie and let those with the medical degree decide on that,” Matty snapped more harshly than intended. The pressure got to her. The last mission – an unofficial one – and Codex morphed into an overwhelming burden like she had rarely experienced before. Taking a look around she could tell it was the same for the rest of the team and that Mac was struggling was obvious, although he fought hard to not let in on.

“Yes, Ma’am,” Mac replied accepting a lost cause and then let Russ guide him to medical. If they offered him something for his headache, he wouldn’t decline it.

Mac asked Russ whether he had any news on Jack’s condition while they walked along the bright corridors towards medical. Mac eyed Russ carefully. He couldn’t deny that there was a tension building between them and it grew thicker since his ‘lockup’ with the Merchant. Everybody knew that Taylor didn’t trust him, but still he did his outmost to hide it. Russ grew askance. Angus was a smart guy, probably too smart for his own good. Russ could tell that he was intrigued by Codex, File 47, all those theories and that he saw a logic behind it. That and his intelligence made him an enormous risk, not to mention that this made him an uncontrollable one, too. It was simply a natural consequence that Codex was after him. It wasn’t only some family reunion. Angus’ mind was a dangerous weapon and Russ was determined to make sure it didn’t end up in Codex’ clutches.

“No, no news now. The CIA, however, is a little annoyed, but we’re glad to have you back,” Russ replied and Mac thought that he saw a lie scurry over Russ’ face, but with his growing headache he decided to give Russ the credit of the doubt. But indeed, there was a lie. Russ was annoyed. He had hoped the CIA would keep Angus longer than a few days. That was why he had to come up with an alternative strategy to keep Mac away from Codex and it cost him the whole night to find a way to at least make the risk Mac posed a little more controllable. However, it didn’t mean that he didn’t care about the young man. He was valuable and Russ liked him.

So, when he saw Mac turn paler than before and noticed that he swayed a little, he asked: “Angus, are you alright?” Mac heard Russ’ voice echo in his ears. His vision was blurry around the edges. He really should sit down somewhere, Mac concluded when his legs turned to Jell-O.

“C’mon, let’s get you checked out,” Russ said picking up on Mac’s deteriorating condition and wrapped an arm around Mac’s waist to support his weight on their way to medical. Not even there, Mac was rushed to an exam room where he sat on the exam table, while vials of blood were taken from him. He had a hard time to keep tabs on what happened around him.

Russ handed Mac an uncapped bottle of water to help with Mac’s headache. Mac took it gratefully, because he skipped breakfast and suspected it to be one reason for why he felt like crap. He took a few sips. The cool water felt good against his dry throat and indeed helped his headache. Only Russ watching him like a hawk was unnerving. Mac felt his body relax anyway. His limbs grew heavy. The strain from the past days caught up on him. He stifled a yawn. He was really beat. His eyelids felt heavy and keeping his eyes open became a tougher challenge with each passing second.

“Why don’t you close your eyes and rest?” Russ suggested. Mac didn’t miss the look Russ exchanged with a nurse Mac hasn’t seen before in medical. He lacked the strength to fight the growing fatigue, though. Thus, he accepted the fact that his eyelids finally closed and welcomed the darkness’ embrace.

Meanwhile, Matty ordered Riley to the war room. It was time to spill the beans. She shared a home with Mac and it was inevitable that she would sense something at some point. And indeed, Riley sensed from the moment she spotted Mac’s boots by the door that something was off. Now, she sat in front of Matty fiddling anxiously with her hands anticipating bad news, because there could only be bad news. Since Codex appeared on the stage, it seemed as if nothing good ever existed for them.

Matty looked at her carefully and collected her thoughts to prepare for what she was about to say. She noticed Riley’s nervousness as she looked hectically around the room instead of focusing on the woman in front of her.

“As you’ve noticed, Mac was gone for a couple of weeks,” she opened the conversation. “He’s been on a mission, an unofficial one,” Matty went on and assessed Riley’s reaction. Riley's body was wrapped in tautness, because she suspected a Codex related mission being the explanation. She didn’t say it out loud, though and waited for Matty to go on. She didn’t dare to speak. She needed to find out what was behind Mac’s absence and his beaten look.

“We got intel on Tiberius Kovacs’ whereabouts,” Matty dropped the bomb. The name Kovacs caused Riley to snap her head, which was turned to look through the opaque windows of the war room, back to Matty who wnt on: “At some point of the mission, Jack’s team went missing. We tried to find out what happened and found out that the CIA was infiltrated by a mole. This was – let me say – a little bit embarrassing for the CIA, since the mole held a quite central position. They wanted to cover it up by declaring the mission has failed and thus left our teams to their fate. However, I decided that the Phoenix couldn’t support such a decision and decided to send our own team to find the missing. We had to make it an unofficial mission, because of the CIA. Mac agreed and with a TAC team flew down to Nicaragua where he found him,” Matty gave Riley the summary of the full story.

“Found who?” Riley asked. During all these three years she had forbidden herself to hope and she was afraid that any news was bad news. She didn’t dare hoping now.

“Jack and Kovacs,” Matty replied.

“He…is he…is,” Riley stammered overwhelmed by emotions and thoughts running through her, still not daring to hope but seeking the relief that would come, because it would be over the one way or the other. There would be no waiting for Jack's return any longer, no imagining how a reunion would look like.

“He’s alive. He was badly injured. Kovacs messed him up really bad. But Mac brought him home,” Matty said satisfied with that result and relieved. Jack’s return nurtured her hope that they finally could settle down. He would bring back the ease and stabilise Mac, something they all failed to do, because nobody knew and understood Mac as well as Jack did. He could decipher Mac’s behaviour and step in if Mac was about to cross a certain line.

“Where’s he? Can I see him?” Riley was excited. Nevertheless, she needed the actual proof, before she could believe Matty’s words. Jack was back. Could that actually be true? She would be devastated to find this all being nothing but a fantasy made up by her mind and patched together from a deep-felt desire to get Jack – her father – back.

“As I said, Mac brought him home. He’s in a hospital in Texas. We wanted him to be with his family, since ee didn’t know whether he’d make it, which is also why I didn’t tell you any earlier,” she finished her explanation. Riley felt like her heart was about to jump out of her chest, because it felt to big and full of contradicting emotions, but everything was somehow overlaid by some sort of happiness she had never felt before.

“Since when is he back?” Riley asked warily picking up on Matty’s subtle hint.

“Three days. He’s been in a critical condition, but I was informed this morning that he was out of mortal danger.”

“I’ll kill Mac for that,” Riley mumbled under her breath not getting why Mac didn’t tell her this morning about it. It certainly would have saved him from her pillow attack.

“He doesn’t know, yet,” Matty picked up her words. True, Matty had wished to tell Mac first. Nobody deserved more to know, but he was still at medical and according to Taylor it would take a little longer.

“Riley, it was an unofficial mission and with it we brought to light quite some unpleasant things. The CIA wasn’t happy about that. They took Mac into custody the second that he touched down stateside. But we settled everything and there’ll be no charges.” Matty felt bad for having added to Mac’s current stress the experience of CIA custody. She bet there were more pleasant ways of spending one’s time. But he had known about the risks and what he got into and did it anyway. And it was over now. Matty was content that now was a good time for some decent rest. Everything else could wait. She could keep Codex in check with the other teams, too.

“Can I go and see him? I mean, Jack?” Riley asked hesitantly. If it was for her, she’d jump into the next plane to Texas, but she was also aware of the current circumstances related to Codex. She noticed the growing tension between Russ and Mac, and Matty stood in the middle of it trying to mediate.

“I thought you’d want that. Maybe you could pack a few things for Jack. The jet is ready whenever you are,” Matty said and on impulse Riley jumped from her seat and hugged her. The warm relief flowed through her, through both women. Matty returned the hug. She gained new courage and the hope that everything would now change for the better.

After what felt like forever, Mac was finally released from medical with the doctor’s order to take it easy and rest. The note on his medical leave was already sent to Matty when he was on his way out followed by Russ, who wouldn’t let him out of his sight. Mac felt like a suspect and since his experience with the CIA custody, he knew what he was talking about. It felt worse than being held captive by terrorists and tortured for answers they wouldn’t get anyway.

Russ guided him to the war room. Apparently, Matty wanted to see him. Mac looked at him and frowned. Then he looked at his cell. He hadn’t gotten a text from Matty.

“I let her know that you’re tired,” Russ responded to his look, “Angus, it’s been a lot lately. You need to rest, take a break. Let me help you,” he explained himself to Mac, who had trouble believing the friendly act Russ was trying to demonstrate. Russ saw it, saw the distrust with which Angus met him. He couldn’t do anything about it, just as little as he could hide his own distrust towards him. This was a mutual feeling and it added additional pressure on their team.

Matty greeted Mac with a concerned look on her face, but a light voice and motioned him to sit down when he arrived in the war room. He looked pale and as if he was about to collapse any second. She was worried. The mission indeed did a number on him. She shot a questioning look at Russ who remained standing behind Mac. She noticed the hostility lingering in the atmosphere between Mac and Russ. She had watched it building between them, but was helpless about it.

“Why am I here?” Mac asked sounding as tired as he felt. He really wanted to leave that place and had Matty’s full understanding on that matter.

“I just wanted to let you know that Jack’s out of the woods. Except of his leg, he’ll make a full recovery. It’ll take some time, but he made it,” Matty told Mac, who blinked at her while slowly processing the words that she said to him. His head had trouble to comprehend, but the words sank in and suddenly Mac felt the pleasurable heaviness when the hard work was finally done and the goal was achieved. The tension poured out of each fibre pooling in front of him. He closed his eyes and lent his head back. Tears of relief pricked in the corner of his eyes, but he took a steadying breath and suppressed them.

“Can I see him?” he asked hesitantly. He longed for a word from Jack and if it was only a short one. He longed for the deep Texan drawl, which had so often wrapped around his wrecked inside like a comforting blanket. He really could use it now. He needed Jack’s words to guide him into the right direction, because he had lost his compass a long time ago.

“I’ll send Riley. You need to rest. Mac, you look beat and you have to take care of yourself. Go home, sleep, rest and then we’ll see,” Matty said. It hurt to deny Mac’s wish, but she had to stay hard on this one. Mac had to slow down, if he didn’t want to burn out, but Mac didn’t see it like that. Sure, he was tired as hell, but he was content that seeing Jack would fuel his energy level. He knew better than to argue, though. Matty didn’t look like she was about to change her mind and indeed, she wasn’t.

“I’ll give you a ride home,” Russ offered. Mac’s protests were smothered by Matty’s glare. So, Mac got up and followed Russ out of the war room, when Matty called him back for a few private words of comfort.

“Mac, I didn’t read the reports yet, but I heard the locker room rumours going around among the TAC teams. If you want to talk about it, I’m there for you, any time,” she offered him, but Mac wouldn’t take her upon it. He still smelled the gun powder and when he closed his eyes, he saw the crimson flower blossoming on Kovacs forehead and the steel blue eyes caught by surprise. No, he didn’t want to go down that road. He wanted to forget about it. Matty saw that he was compartmentalising, again. He was about to stuff that mission into a box and put it away in some dark corner in his memories. She was afraid of what would happen if one day all those Pandora’s Boxes would open. She didn’t know yet that Mac had lost the fight for control over these boxes already and that their content was slowly seeping into his mind.

“I’m okay”, Mac replied curtly and then followed Russ to his car. Mac’s headache was getting worse again and he felt awfully hungover. His stomach made itself known with each time the car was steered around a corner. The blazing sunlight did its part to aggravate the pounding in his temples and the sound of the busy streets rang in his ears. If he didn’t know better, he would have guessed a night with tequila shots – cheap tequila.

His left underarm started to itch and he scratched it while having to concentrate hard not to ralph all over the dashboard.

“You okay?” Russ asked motioning at Mac’s scratching hand. He noticed the light greenish complexion and didn’t understand where it came from. The doctor’s said that Mac luckily didn’t suffer a concussion.

“Nah, it’s just a bite,” Mac replied holding up his arm revealing a little red spot. Russ nodded. Let’s the games begin, Mac thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time and reading this story!! I really appriciate it. I hope, I can fulfil the one or other expectation and maybe I can even surprise you with the on or other twist this story will take.


	4. Under Pressure

Mac declined politely Russ’ offer to come in and help, when they arrived at Mac’s home. Now he leant against the kitchen counter and enjoyed a cold bottle of water he had taken from the fridge. He took in the scent of his home. Since Riley moved in with him, it was suave. There was a mix of coconut and peaches and sometimes vanilla clinging in the air. Then there was also the scent of some fancy perfume she would put on for a girls’ night out. Then there was Desi. She smelled like spices, coriander and curry, pepper and ginger. It was a dominant scent, but it wasn’t filling his whole home. It was limited to the kitchen and his bedroom. Sometimes his home would hold Russ’ scent as well - a strong aftershave and cigars. However, it left as soon the person it belonged to walked out the door. Bozer’s scent faded slowly and soon would be gone. There hasn’t been a Christmas pastrami for a while, not talking about breakfast with waffles and eggs. One scent, however, was gone for quite a while now and he missed it. He had been missing it for so long and the yearning for it was painful. It was Jack’s. His aftershave and hair gel. After a rough mission, the scent was mixed with gun powder and sweat. And oil. Mac realised that the scent of leather and oil always surrounded Jack. Mac closed his eyes and then smelled it again: the coppery smell of too much blood, the mouldy dampness of a dark prison and nearing death. And then there was the crimson flower on a forehead. Mac shuddered and snapped his eyes open with the sudden feeling of an alarming pressure in his stomach. He made it just in time to the sink. The orange juice a nurse had offered him in medical burnt in his throat after he spilled his stomach’s contents. For a moment, he leant heavily against the sink before he rinsed it thoroughly. Since Riley moved in with him, he was more cautious about a clean kitchen or of a clean environment at all. Somehow, he assumed that Riley might not be as easy going as Bozer when it came to his kitchen leftovers.

He sighed and dragged his body to the couch. The bedroom was too far away. He dropped down and fell asleep immediately. He was woken only a short while later by some scommotion in his house. He opened his eyes. The sun started to settle. He was grateful, because his headache didn’t take the bright sunlight well. He stiffly got up and went to Riley’s bedroom where the noise came from. She was packing her bags. Probably for the trip to Texas, he assumed. He couldn’t deny the envy and the sting he felt. He wanted to see Jack, too – needed to talk to him. Mac knew he was spiralling. The needle of his compass was turning hectically from one direction to the other. He lost his orientation and was denied his true north.

Meanwhile, Riley didn’t want to waste any precious time and carelessly threw cloths in her bag. Jack was back. It was impossible for her to put it into words.

“You could’ve told me,” she said when she spotted Mac leaning against the door frame to her bedroom not taking any notice of his beaten appearance. She was too absorbed in her own thoughts about seeing Jack again. She was incapable of noticing anything else. After so many years, she would see this one man again, who had been more of a father to her than Ellwood could’ve possibly been, and she still had no idea how to approach him. Was it okay to just act as is those three years never happened? And what if his family was there? Did they know about her?

“I guess, Matty told you that it was an unofficial mission?” Mac replied not sure whether there was still some sort of hostility hovering over them or whether he was just overly sensitive as a result from the morning’s encounter and his hangover. Riley shook her head to his answer knowing that if it had been Jack instead of her, Mac probably would have told him everything.

“You could’ve told may anyway,” she thus replied harshly. She had tried hard to build a special bond of trust to Mac, but he would keep her at distance since the Phoenix was rebuilt. She blamed his on-and-off relationship with Desi for that. In fact, since Riley moved in with him, he was a little more cautious around her. He hasn’t come to a conclusion where he and Desi stood and was careful not to hurt anyone’s feelings by doing or saying something inconsiderate. However, he realised that he was failing that attempt.

“Mac, I’m serious. You could’ve told me,” Riley said once again meaning that he actually should have told her. She walked up to Mac to at least close the physical distance between them.

“As I said, it was an unofficial mission which landed me in CIA custody for three days. If you’d known, they would’ve locked you up too considering you an accomplice,” Mac replied dryly and it was true. Anyone knowing about the mission would’ve been classified as abettor. Riley shook her head, not getting his point that he had to leave her out of it to protect her. What she saw was Mac, who changed and kept secrets. Codex, his aunt, wandering through his own head and the Merchant, it all had left marks on him. His inner fight was surfacing and they were all afraid of who would eventually win it. Mac saw it, too. The growing distance between him and his team - his so-called family - and Russ’ unhidden but steadily growing distrust. Not confiding in one of them and demonstrating that he could actually pursue secret agendas behind their backs was only increasing this distrust.

“You’ve changed, Mac,” Riley huffed, “You know, it becomes quite obvious that Codex intrigued you. Even though, I trusted you to do the right thing. But this secret mission makes it difficult to hold on to this trust. You became so…unpredictable,” she said rather because of hurt feelings than actually meaning it. The words stung, though. And while Mac couldn’t deny his inner conflict, he didn’t understand what the unofficial mission to catch Kovacs and most importantly to rescue Jack had to do with it. He didn’t expect much when he entered his home last night. He also didn’t expect to be met with such a degree of hostility. Thus, it was him who shook his head and turned around to leave.

“Mac!” Riley called after him realising that she went too far this time. After all, he brought Jack back and took a real beating for it. He did deserve a break and not her accusations. But Mac didn’t stop. He was tired and still suspiciously hungover. He just wanted to go back to bed. He felt Riley grab him by his upper-arm. Riley was surprised to feel how thin it was, but it didn’t lose any of its strength when he pulled the arm out of her grasp and then went to his bedroom. This behaviour frightened her for a split second. He’s never demonstrated his physical strength towards her. That he did now, scared her. She heard his bedroom door close. He didn’t slam it, but it was accentuated enough to let her know that he wanted to be left alone. With a sigh and the hope that she could smooth it over when she was back from Texas, she went on packing, while Mac fell down onto his bed and tried to shut out the world around him by hiding under his covers.

Mac groaned with frustration when his nap once again was interrupted. This time it was by a presence that radiated fury. He prepared himself for another verbal onslaught which was about to come. When he opened his eyes, she stood in the middle of his bedroom, hands on her hips demanding answers to anticipated questions.

“How could you possibly disappear without any sort of explanation?” she said. Her demeanour was calm, bur Mac knew Desi enough to not get lulled in by that. Desi thought she should feel proud of Mac. She heard the rumours going around in the locker rooms of the TAC teams. Mac had earned their respect, especially when it came to Jack’s former team. If it was true what was said, she was impressed. Mac was even a tougher one than she had always thought he was. But she was hurt too and this feeling outweighed any pride she felt. She was hurt, because he didn’t confide in her and didn’t come back to her immediately upon return, but went home. He was pushing her away, again. She had a hard time accepting – bearing - it.

“Unofficial mission?” Mac offered those two words as explanation. If Desi made up her mind that he was in for some reprimand, there was not much he could do about it other than let her get over with. And she had made up her mind. She had decided that she didn’t want to be a pawn in his games anymore.

He carefully got up from his bed. The headache subsided, but the rest of his body still felt awful. One look at Desi told him that his two words didn’t satisfy her. She stepped closer ready to strike if necessary. He had seen her often enough like that to recognise the tale-tell signs.

“Listen, I’m sure Matty talked to you about it. It was an unofficial mission. There was a mole infiltrating the CIA and we had to be as clandestine as possible. Anything else might have risked the mission’s success,” Mac rattled down the explanation, as he didn’t expect much understanding from her side. She didn’t come to understand, but to fight. He noticed how his expectations had recently levelled down to nearly zero when it came to the team – the supposedly family. They were falling apart and also Desi couldn’t hold back the thought that it was Mac’s instability that caused the friction, although she didn’t pronounce it, yet.

“But you could’ve talked to me. Why didn’t you trust me?” she threw the same accusation at him like Riley did only a few hours ago. He couldn’t get over the impression that it would’ve been easier, if Codex and its theories hadn’t entered their lives. It made everything so much more complicated. Codex was not just another enemy or another mission. It was about belief. Desi knew that as well as Mac was enough of an idealist to fall for such theories.

“Desi, I couldn’t. I had to do all in my power to…accomplish that mission. I mean this was about Jack,” he tried to make her see the dimension of what that mission meant to him, but she didn’t want to hear any of it, because it only meant that there were still other people more important than their relationship – than her – and she was fed up with the role of a bystander.

“Then I hope Jack will warm the bed for you, because I won’t anymore,” she hissed. She was done with it. There was only so much she could take and this was the last straw. No matter whether it was justified or not, she had reached her breaking point. She turned around and was on her way out.

Mac sighed and asked himself what he had done to land as number one of everyone’s shit list. He really tried hard, but somehow it didn’t suffice. He probably should follow her, apologise even, although he didn’t know what for, but he couldn’t muster up the necessary energy. So, he watched her leave, while all she wanted was for him to run after her – to stop her. It was hard to accept that he seemingly gave up that fight.

On her way out she spotted an essay that was lying on Mac’s nightstand. “The dying planet - how our handling of the resources gives the planet earth the coup de grace” by Gwendolyn Heyes. Her blood ran cold in her veins. Mac saw how she stopped in her tracks and picked up the essay thumbing through it reading the one or another note he had written down. He clenched his jaw. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

“Mac, how could you?” she yelled at him marching towards him. The cold blood ran now boiling through her. After all she thought he understood how important it was that he created a clear situation by demonstrating unambiguously where his loyalties lay – that they lay with them, with the Phoenix. The essay, however, proved otherwise.

“Desi,” Mac tried a futile attempt of explaining himself. He was convinced that Desi wouldn’t understand him.

“No Mac. It’s time to decide whom to follow. It’s either the Phoenix or Codex. But maybe you already made up your mind,” she hissed. Fear crept up her spine. What if Mac was really siding with Codex? Mac meanwhile was at a loss, because he couldn’t deny that Codex had a point and that he lacked of any other solution to a real problem. It didn’t mean he liked it, though.

“Desi, it’s not that easy. I read this, because I wanted to find the flaw in all this, but I couldn’t. The studies, the calculations. It’s damn accurate. We cannot deny that they’re having a point.”

“You’re looking for a flaw? I tell you where the fucking flaw is: it’s billions of innocent people’s life at stake here,” she screamed at him. To her it felt like betrayal. How could he possibly stand there and justify Codex’ theories, while looking into her eyes? He didn’t reply to that. He knew he should agree with her and tell her just that. But he couldn’t.

“Seriously, Mac. Russ already doubts your loyalty and this here only supports his suspicion,” Desi yelled at him not understanding why Mac wasn’t fighting any harder to gain back their trust, but acted contrary to it. How could she possibly understand? She didn’t know what went on inside of him and every attempt of his to let her in – let her see his inner conflict – was blocked. However, Mac would not let her accuse him. He didn’t accept Russ’ accusations either.

“I’m not a traitor,” he replied, because he wasn’t.

“You sure about that? I’m curious to find out what Jack has to say about this,” Desi finally snapped and tossed the essay onto his bed and stormed off. When she was gone and the door slammed shut, he sat down on his bed and buried his face in his hands. He really wished Jack knew about it. He would straighten his head. Mac had to do something – he had to put an end to this.


	5. Entre dos tierras

Despite his exhaustion, he didn’t find any sleep after Desi left, so he got up at five thirty in the morning and prepared for a run. His ribs were still sore, but his headache was gone. No concussion, nothing broken, simply bruised, so nothing which prohibited for a decent run – or an excessive one.

He started slowly into the direction of the rising sun. The sky had already exchanged the black of the night for the dark blue of the approaching morning. The purple of the rising sun was visible at the horizon and the first birds were already busy. It was an atmosphere which under normal circumstances provided a comforting easiness, but nothing was normal anymore. That was why the morning atmosphere didn’t help Mac to push aside the thoughts and doubts which plagued him for so long.

He took a deep breath. The brisk air however didn’t much to clear his head. Was he becoming a traitor? When was this line crossed? He thought he hadn’t yet. Indeed, he saw the logic behind Codex’ theories. This wasn’t about an opinion, but science and the facts, as sad as it was, spoke for themselves. Was that enough to consider him losing his loyalty to Phoenix? Would he go as far and kill people? He hoped not, but it would only postpone the inevitable. If the population wasn’t killed by some sort of weapon, it would kill itself. Maybe not in this decade. He probably wouldn’t even live to see it. But still, wouldn’t he be as responsible for this postponed death as well? So, did it really matter whether he did nothing and waited for the population to die on the consequences of their life style? Or whether he pulled the trigger now? Bozer would say that maybe in the future the population would be saved, because someone found a solution to the problem of a dying planet. He was missing the point. The solution was already there. It foresaw the 180-degree turnaround in social habits. But hardly anyone was willing to give up even a minimum of comfort to save their own livelihood. Instead, society, economists and politicians were fighting this solution tooth and nail denying the obvious. This ignorance made him angry and he ran faster pushing his body harder and ignoring the burning sensation in his calves.

Why was he the only one who saw that logic? Were all others blind? Bozer, Riley, Desi, Russ and Matty, were they all blind? Or did they simply not care about the future generations? About what happened? Mac didn’t dare thinking that, because it meant that he was drifting away from them, the Phoenix – his family. He ran even faster. He felt that mentally he was turning away from the Phoenix, but was he siding with Codex? He wasn’t ready to leave behind the Phoenix yet and he also wasn’t ready to kill billions of people. He couldn’t be responsible for so many deaths. The image of a crimson rose blossoming on a forehead appeared in his mind again, as did the adhering feeling of disgust. No, he wasn’t a natural born killer and that made joining Codex impossible.

He ran and ran and turned a corner when he spotted a red Tesla blocking his way. It took several seconds for his brain to process the information whcih was sent from his eyes and more seconds for his brain to tell his legs to stop while the car came closer. The car came to a screeching halt. So did his legs. There was only an inch between him and the hood of the car. It took him some time to realise who was driving it. His body claimed all his attention. His lungs burned from the hard breaths. His legs started cramping as response to the abrupt halt and his bruises were throbbing. Only after he took stock of his body parts, he recognised the blonde woman behind the steering wheel. He groaned inwardly. A bad day was becoming worse.

“Get in Angus,” his aunt said through the open window at the passenger side. Angus’ wary look didn’t remain unhidden to her as did his beaten shape. It hurt her to see him like this and it hurt her even more to be a reason for his worn appearance. She hated herself for the pressure she put on him, but she did it to protect him, but that was difficult if not impossible to explain.

“What if I don’t? Will your goons come and get me?” Mac snapped. His aunt was never alone. Always surrounded by her black clad soldiers. So yes, he distrusted her.

“I’m alone. I want to talk to you. Only the two of us,” she replied. She hoped he could overcome his justified distrust, because she needed to talk to him – explain herself. Hell, he was the only family she got left. He was Ellen’s son, her nephew. Of course, she loved him. She did the very second that he saw the light of day.

“Then go on, talk,” he invited her to talk. They locked eyes and Mac couldn’t tell where it came from, but he saw some sort of honesty in his aunt’s eyes. A mutual understanding was formed and in fact he couldn’t deny the bond between them, of which he didn’t know where it came from. Heck, she was the only family he got left. Everyone else was gone by now.

“C’mon Angus. I skipped breakfast and you look like you could use some yourself,” she tried to coax him into her car. She was concerned by his worn look. He didn’t only look tired, but exhausted and she couldn’t deny her share of responsibility for that. Mac picked up on her genuine concern. So what? Russ already distrusted him and doubted his loyalties. Desi was the same. Where Riley stood, he couldn’t tell and Bozer had a hard time positioning himself. Thus, with a sigh he got into the car.

They sat down in a far corner of the diner. The autumn sun was now fully up. It promised a chilli day for Californian standards. Clouds gathered. They carried rain. Mac looked out the window and watched the seagulls. He had a rare moment of peacefulness. His aunt’s presence felt oddly comforting, because it wasn’t demanding, but quiet and gave him the space he needed. His thoughts drifted back to the Phoenix. If Russ would see him sitting there with his aunt, he probably would suspend him – lock him up even, in the darkest corner he could find to prevent him from collaborating with the enemy. He sighed. After all, she was his aunt, who saw how the short-lived peacefulness drained from her nephew. His conflicting emotions screamed at her and she wanted to reach out a hand to him to tell him that everything was going to be okay, but she couldn’t. It would be a lie. They would hunt him until he’d support their cause. It was hard to be unable to protect him from them. That she had to, made obvious what she should’ve seen so much earlier. It was all so wrong. A real ecological crisis was misused for the wrong cause. Her sister had told her, had warned her, but she hadn’t listened. Now it was too late to turn around and leave. All she could do now was to try to keep the worst from happening and reach out for those she loved.

A waitress came and she ordered: coffee, iced water, fresh pressed orange juice, some scrambled eggs, tomatoes, bacon, the list grew on. She didn’t know what he’d like to eat for breakfast, didn’t even knew whether he ate breakfast at all.

“So why are we meeting here?” Angus asked breaking the peacefulness between them. He felt comfortable in her presence, just the two of them wrapped in comforting silence. But it was a dangerous comfort. He was drifting further into the wrong direction.

“Can’t I just want to meet my nephew?” she asked putting up her guard. The fight begun and both regretted it. Both wished to have met under different circumstances, because both looked behind the defensive walls of the other one. They knew they weren’t acting upon their mutual feeling of care.

“Not under these circumstances,” he replied sternly ignoring the plates of food placed on the table and the different beverages offered. He felt sick to the stomach. The run had worn him out more than he wanted to admit. She saw it and shoved a glass of water towards him. If he refused the food, she could live with that, but after such a run he had to rehydrate.

“I’m here to warn you,” she opened the conversation which was the actual reason for their meeting. She hoped he would pick up the truth behind her words. Codex wouldn’t leave him alone until he supported their cause or until he was dead. He was the only real risk that stood between them and the success of their mission. His vehement reluctance, however, made the latter more and more probable with each passing day. She was afraid, afraid for him. He saw that fear in her eyes and was curious to get to know where it came from. He doubted his aunt was afraid of him.

“From what?” he asked her straight away. She felt awful. Awful, because she was about to coerce him into something that would endanger him even more and though she had no other choice. If he didn’t join them voluntarily, they would make him. Mac noticed her uneasiness, but couldn’t tell where it came from.

“From them, Codex,” she replied.

“No worries, I already realised that they’re quite a dangerous pack,” Mac answered missing her point.

“They want you, Angus. And if you don’t join them voluntarily, they’ll make you. They have their means,” she begged his understanding, begged him to listen to her. He heard the tone of her voice. It was laced with despair and he had a hard time believing it was a mere scam, but he also couldn’t cross that line, not yet.

“Then tell them that I’m not worthy. I’m weak, not supposed to survive,” he said meaning every single word of what he said. He didn’t belong to those rowing the boat to the shore. He’d stay and try to save the other nine, even if it meant that he would drown himself. As Jack said, he lacked any sense of self-preservation, but that was who he was. And maybe that was what his father left him. No matter how much Jack would complain he would never change that habit.

She shook her head in disbelief. His words were spoken and meant. Everybody said that Angus came after his mother, was just like her – like Ellen- but then he was so much like his father too, who would jump in the line of fire not knowing a lost cause and not thinking about himself or his family. Ellen has had a hard time dealing with it. At some point she accepted it, though.

“That’s not true and you know it. You’re smart…so very smart. You’re special. Uniting your father’s and your mother’s skill set. So, in Codex eyes you’re worth it. In fact, they need you,” she told him. He shook his head.

“Thanks for the ride, but I think I should go,” he got up, but his aunt placed a gentle hand onto his. He stopped, not willing to break the gentle and warm contact.

“They know your weakness. Think about Desi or Riley. What about Bozer? They know how to get to you and they don’t care about collateral damages,” she begged him to listen, because she wanted to spare him that experience. Her words hit a spot. He had already done enough to them. He didn't want to hurt them any more than he already had. But they wouldn’t understand and at the end there was this one question: what pain was more bearable? The one caused by Codex or the one he caused?

“Sorry Gwen, that doesn’t work,” he said breaking the contact as he was about to leave the diner.

“What for?” his aunt called after him and he turned around. “Angus, what for? For your so-called friends?” she went on. He would do everything for them, but what would they do for him? He was injured, in pain and fighting his own inner conflict and still, he was alone on a run and there was nobody who cared. But she did, only he didn’t let her.

“Where are they, Angus? Do they understand you?” No, not really, at least lately they didn’t anymore, Mac thought but unwilling to admit it.

“Do they care? I mean, you’re bruised all over, but you were running like a maniac. Do they care?” he couldn’t tell. He was on his own, but he did push them away, didn’t he? So, it was his fault.

“Riley even lives with you and Desi’s supposed to be your girlfriend. Why don’t they make sure you rest?”, because both were angry with him, because he hurt their feelings repeatedly, so he assumed. He took a deep breath. No matter what went wrong in the moment. Jack was back and count on Jack to help him fix the mess he had produced and was about to produce in the future.

“And what about Jack? Do you really think it’ll be like it was before?” she asked him. He knew where she was going with this. She wanted to emotionally manipulate him, but he wouldn’t let her, while she truly meant what she said. His friends were leaving him behind, but he was oblivious to it.

“Angus, it’s been three years now. Things have changed. You have changed. You don’t need him anymore. You’re independent and can stand on your own feet. It won’t be the same anymore,” she wanted to protect him from the disappointment, because she doubted that they could recap the depth of their friendship. But this belief, Jack, was the only anchor he had left that kept him from drowning and he would hold onto it, because Mac knew if there was one person out there who would and could help him through this, it was Jack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: the return of Jack Dalton in three acts


	6. Shoot the Thrill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's get Jack back aka: The return of Jack Dalton in three acts

_Maybe two weeks earlier, but time’s not Mac’s friend anymore_

He had planned for a quiet night in. Desi had cancelled on him. She wanted to have a girls’ night out. She needed to vent some of the adrenaline fueld energy left from their last mission, but she promised him a quiet night for the day after. So, Matty didn’t interrupt anything when she sent him a text asking him to meet her in the war room. It was already late at night. He had no idea why Matty wanted to talk to him, but there’s been a lot going on lately.

The building was quiet. Most of the employees were long gone home for their well-deserved evening. The corridors were dimly lit. It was peaceful compared to the bright lights that accompanied him through a busy day at work. The windows of the war room were opaque. Mac’s stomach turned to knots, because it signalled him serious business. He only hoped it wasn’t Codex related, because he had come to realise that he had trouble distancing himself from them all the way and the team had started to notice it. To say the atmosphere was tense among the team members was an understatement. He sighed and shoved these thoughts aside. Whatever it was that led Matty to order him to com to the Phoenix in the middle of the night, he was about to find out. He knocked on the closed door. Matty opened him and motioned him to come on in. They were alone. Not even Russ was in sight. Mac didn’t know what to make of that. Matty’s face was full of concern. She felt anxious and she saw Mac’s growing wariness about the situation. She told him to sit down and he did.

“They found Jack,” she said knowing that with these three words she dropped a massive bomb. However, it was better to play with open cards from the very beginning. She watched Mac. Her words sank slowly in. Mac tilted his head, but stayed collected. He didn’t know what he was supposed to feel after this message. After three years without any information on Jack’s whereabouts or the progress of his mission, he gave up the hope to ever see Jack again. It had been a painful but gradual process and the pain was manageable if he didn’t give it too much space and he was lucky enough that it worked just fine since the Phoenix was rebuilt. And face it. Mac had become accustomed to lose those who mattered most to him. That was why he stored the memories of Jack safely away. Only in lonesome moments, when no one else was around, he would indulge in these memories. They offered comfort, but ripped his heart apart into tiny pieces at the same time. Time and again he would find himself losing a tear over these memories and he would draw comfort from the inner monologues addressed at Jack, while imagining what he would have to say and seeking reassurance in the deep Texan drawl Jack would always use when Mac couldn’t find any peace. And now what? Did Matty actually offer the prospect of getting the real Jack back?

She did, but there was a catch. She told him that Jack’s team went missing two months ago and that the CIA declared the mission a failure and left the team to its fate. Matty offered her help, but was told to stay out of that business. This raised her suspicions about the turn things took. It wasn’t the fact that the mission was abandoned. That happened all the time when it was clear that the original plan wouldn’t work out. It was the vehemence with which they wanted to keep her in the dark. She then remembered one of the last calls she has had with Jack. Their attempts of catching Kovacs were fruitless. He was always one step ahead of them. Jack couldn’t come up with another explanation than that someone must have been providing Kovacs with intel on their plans.

“He suspected a mole among his team,” she told Mac. He listened carefully to her words with his emotions switched off as not to compromise the conclusions drawn from the information given. Both, Matty and Mac knew that Jack wouldn’t phrase such a suspicion light heartedly. He must have had evidence to support it. This evidence, however, was gone with the team gone missing. This was why Matty started investigating herself after the mission was officially abandoned by the CIA without further explanation than failure. And indeed, she found intel on the mole. It was a CIA man. Someone who occupied a position of central importance in the team that was supposed to find Kovacs. He was a highly ranked CIA man. This was worse than embarrassing and Matty understood why the CIA tried to cover it up. Matty, however did have other plans. She was reluctant to accept that the pride of a middle-aged white man cost good men – probably the best - their lives. If there was a chance to rescue Jack and to catch Kovacs on top of that, she was adamant to take it. She had never left a man behind before. She wouldn’t start with it now. Therefore, she collected intel on Kovacs whereabouts. Turned out, he was still in Nicaragua. She contacted the CIA, tried to persuade them to carry on with the mission, but nobody listened. She grew furious and considered it as an act of vengeance, after she had made information on the mole public before eventually nailing him. After countless hours of interrogation, the mole provided her with enough intel to exactly pinpoint Kovacs’ whereabouts. He had entrenched himself in a fortress. Jack and his team were held captive. Nobody knew about their conditions, but everybody suspected it wasn’t good. Kovacs wasn’t known for having a conscience.

The CIA meanwhile threatened with revenge and made sure that she understood that there would be severe consequences if she decided to arrest Kovacs on her own and rescue Jack and his team.

That was the current status quo.

“I need someone I can trust and who is capable of accomplishing this mission,” she closed her explanation and eyed Mac closely. He not for once interrupted her, but listened attentively to her words. She didn’t doubt him and the decision he would make. And there was no need to, because it was out of question what he would do. This was about Jack and there was only one decision he could make. He was about to let Matty know that he was in, but she stopped him. He needed to know the whole dimension of what he was about to get into.

“Mac, this will be an unofficial mission. If the CIA finds out about it and they will, you’ll be in big trouble. They’ll lock you up the second you set foot on US soil. And all I can promise is that I’ll do what is in my power to help you, but I can’t promise that I’ll succeed. In a very probable worst-case scenario this means that you’ll be detained for an indefinite time,” she told him the bad news, but it didn’t cause Mac to even bat an eyelash. He has made his decision. He was determined. It wasn’t the time for thinking about consequences. It wasn’t the right time to consider his own future, because he couldn’t care any less about it if he failed Jack and he would make sure that he wouldn’t fail him. Jack has had his back for so many years. He had risked so much and more than once his life only to protect Mac. He owed it to Jack. He owed it to himself. His conscience was loaded enough with wrong decisions and morally doubtful actions and that pile would grow on. He didn’t need letting Jack down to add to that list. So yes, it was also a selfish decision. It was selfish, because he also hoped that this way, he could get back some order into his life that became increasingly chaotic through Codex, his aunt and the Merchant.

“I’ll do it,” Mac replied. Matty nodded. She didn’t expect anything else.

“There’s no one I trust more than you, Mac. I know that you’ll bring Jack back home,” she reassured him. For her it felt important to let him know that she still trusted him. She accepted that he had to think Codex’ theories through. He was too much of a scientist to ignore them, but he was also too human to support them to implement their plans. He was as much a scientist driven by logic and facts as he was a human being with a heart leading him into the right direction. He wasn’t a killer. He wasn’t capable of killing billions of people. That was what her trust rested on.

“Alright, you have two hours, before wheels are up. Pick a TAC team for your support,” she said handing Mac a paper file which contained all intel on Kovacs she collected. Nowadays it was safer to rely to analogue records. Not everybody needed to know about this, not even within the Phoenix.

“I’ll take Jack’s. They know me and I know them,” Mac replied. She had thought so.

“Good luck,” was all that remained for her to say.

Two hours later Mac and Jack’s former TAC team sat in choppers on their way to the Nicaraguan border. Satellite images showed that Kovacs had them patrolled. They had to walk through the jungle and then cross the border on foot. Mac’s TAC gear itched. It felt too tight. It wasn’t like he had never worn it before. It was only on very rare occasions. Mac had decided to split up. They would cross the border in the sheltered night from different points and then meet at a central point. This way, they wouldn’t arouse much attention.

The tautness increased with each second that they came closer to their point of destination. They roped down from the choppers. Mac was grateful for the darkness. If he couldn’t see the abyss, the fear of heights didn’t kick in as hard as it would have if it was at day light. Covered by the night they disappeared in the thickest of the jungle.

Hank, Jack’s successor and a good friend was reluctant to let Mac cross the border on his own.

“Jack will have my ass, if I let anything happen to you,” he said and meant it.

“We don’t even know whether they are still alive,” Mac pointed out. He used the flight to emotionally prepare himself for the worst-case scenario ignoring the sharp pain in his chest the thought of being too late caused to chase through it. It was a realistic probability. Since Kovacs caught Jack and his team, communication broke up. Nobody knew in what state the team was in. Mac knew that Jack was strong. He also knew that Jack wouldn’t fight a hopeless battle. And he didn’t know whether Jack believed in his rescue.

“No worries there. He’ll find me in hell and kick my ass,” Hank replied. This was a rough dark humour. It was the remedy that got you through the day.

They made their way to the meeting point. Hank wasn’t a man of many words. Mac accepted it, but he couldn’t deny that he missed Jack at his side. He missed his ramblings about this and that and his misplaced movie quotes. His nerves were shot. It was hard to pull himself together and not go crazy.


	7. I'm ready to kill

_Still on the unofficial mission in Nicaragua_

They gathered around Mac. Hidden beneath the jungle’s thicket, but with a perfect view on Kovacs’ fortress where he entrenched himself. Mac went through his plan with the team on the basis of the building plans. With the help of satellite and thermal images, they found out that Jack and his team were kept in the basement on the north side of the building.

“We need to get into that basement and there you’ll place these on the supporting columns, here and here and here,” Mac handed small but very efficient explosives to one hlaf of the team.

“Start with the north and then work your way to the exit in the south. Don’t forget to activate them. We’ll have five minutes to exit the building with the survivors,” he told them. He was calm, his nerves were settled. The anxious nervousness was gone and replaced by the feeling of a tranquil certitude. He was focused on the mission and his plan and everything was shoved aside, locked up somewhere where he could return to when this was over. This wasn’t supposed to be handled like any other mission, but he forbade himself to think about Jack otherwise he risked losing focus and that could be lethal.

“Five minutes is not a lot of time,” Hank pointed out. Mac acknowledged that. It was risky, but more time meant upping the chances of being caught by Kovacs.

“Let me put it that way: going kaboom is a fast and painless death. Being caught by Kovacs, not so much,” Mac replied mirroring Hank’s humour from earlier. Hank understood. They would bring down the fortress due to the explosion. One part of the team would place the IEDs while Mac and the rest went to search for Jack and his team. This was the plan. Whether it worked out? They would find out soon.

They got ready to start when Hank approached Mac and handed him a gun. It was the same type Jack used. He was quite familiar with it, although he didn’t carry one himself. He was about to decline, but Hank shook his head.

“I know about your habit and if Jack puts up with it, it’s fine. You’ve been partners for years. He knows you. I, however, am not going to take that risk, so please take it. I don’t care whether you use it,” Hank said and placed the gun in Mac’s hand. It felt heavy and cool to the touch. Mac took it and placed it in the holster fixed at his thigh where Jack would carry it. He hoped he wouldn’t need it. Hank thanked him with an appreciative nod. In fact, most people thought Mac didn’t know how to fire a gun. That was a myth. He had mandatory training during basic training in the army. He then decided to never use or carry a weapon, though. So yes, he did know how to fire a gun. But he wasn’t a pro like Jack. For this, the likelihood that he missed his target was quit high.

They creeped slowly and silently through the damp and mouldy basement of the fortress. A system of entangled corridors created to disorient them, but Mac knew the way. The plan of the building was imprinted in his memory. Adrenaline flushed through his system. People had the tendency to suspect adrenaline made you hyper and nervous. Maybe it did with some people. Not with Mac, though. A cooling calmness covered his nerves. There was a tranquil equilibrium settled in his core. His pulse went slow and even. His breaths were steady. He was focused. Nothing else mattered, but this mission. That it was about Jack didn’t make a difference anymore. Mac simply didn’t indulge in the luxury of thinking about him.

Mac gestured Hank and the two other members of the team to turn left. Then it was the second door to the right. That was where they would meet their target: Jack.

Suddenly there were steps, at least three men according to the echo. Mac gestured Hank’s team to hide behind the corner. He followed suit pressing his body hard against the clammy stone wall as if he wanted to get absorbed in it. He exchanged glances with Hank whose eyes told him that they weren’t lucky. So, they prepared for the attack. Hank and his team ran past Mac and with a few moves knocked out Kovacs’ henchmen. They couldn’t stop them from informing their mates, though and soon they were greeted by the stomping of numerous heavy boots. They came from both directions. Mac sighed. Time was running out. If the rest of the team stuck to the plan, they only had three and a half minutes left until the first explosive would go off. But Mac didn’t have much time to think about that when a fist connected with his cheekbone making him see stars. He crashed down. He hadn’t even registered what happened when the bulky guy approached him, lifted him up and smashed him with his left side against a column. The impact drove the air out of Mac's lungs. He didn’t have the time to process the onslaught let alone to defend himself. The man towered over him but then collapsed into a sad heap of misery when his body crumpled under the impact of a bullet shot from Hank’s gun.

“Go! We take care of these,” Hank called and Mac got back onto his feet and ran. He ran to the second door to the right. He reached the door and expected it to be locked, but it wasn’t. The sight revealed behind it would hunt him for the rest of his life – may it be short or long. Jack sat there, tied to a chair, unconscious with his head hanging limply above his chest. He was covered in blood, so much blood - too much blood. The coppery smell filled the whole cell and overrode even the damp mould seeping from the clammy walls. Mac was about to run to Jack his partner, his friend, his family to free him while unsure whether the man was still alive. He stopped in his tracks when a thick eastern European accent revebrated from the walls.

“That’s what I call a package deal. I take Dalton and get you, MacGyver, on top,” Kovacs said his steely eyes piercing through Mac like daggers. He watched Kovacs approach Jack with his gun drawn and pointed at Jack's bleeing head. The man was about to pull the trigger of his gun. He would’ve killed Jack, there was no doubt. That was what the mission reports would state later. Mac didn’t have much time to think about how to stop Kovacs. He didn’t think at all. His body took control while his mind for once was blank. He acted upon pure instincts. No plan. No idea. No second thoughts. His eyes locked with Kovacs’. He didn’t turn away when the shot echoed through the cell. He didn’t even as much as bat an eyelash. His eyes stayed focused on Kovacs. Kovacs’ expression changed from cold manipulative cruelness to sheer surprise when he realised that it wasn’t him who fired the shot ringing through the cell. Mac watched how the life was drained from Kovacs’ eyes while his body collapsed under the impact of being shot in the head. Mac would never forget that look. A small crimson bud blossomed on his forehead. There wasn’t much blood.

“Mac, hurry we need to get out,” Hank’s cool and collected voice snapped him out of his trance. He rushed over to Jack. Now his heart was pounding hard against his chest. Jack didn’t move. That scared Mac. Too late, these two words ran through his mind. With a trembling hand he reached out for Jack’s neck to feel for a pulse. His heart stopped for a split second when he didn’t immediately feel one. No, no, no this was all Mac could think of. But then there was a thud. It was a weak one, but it was there. This was all Mac needed to jump back into action. He took his Swiss army knife from his pocket and cut the zip ties around Jack’s bleeding wrists. He was oblivious to Jack coming back to consciousness.

Jack felt awfully exhausted. He wished he could sleep and never wake up again, because when he slipped into unconsciousness, the pain was gone and that was definitely a good thing. Sometimes he would dream about being home and sometimes a blond boy appeared in front of his inner eye reminding him to stay strong. This image helped him to pull the last bit of strength he had left to fight against the infinite darkness. This time though, it wasn’t the image of the blond boy, but an all too familiar presence that surrounded him and which he had been missing for so long. There hadn’t been one day during all those fucking three years on which he hadn’t wished for Mac being by his side. But after Kovacs caught them, Jack accepted that he would never see his kid again. It hurt, because they didn’t get a chance to say properly goodbye. He didn’t get a chance to tell his boy what he meant to him. However, when he felt that solid presence, he persuaded himself to pry his eyes open. Warmth flooded through his veins, because if this was the last image he had before he closed his eyes forever, he was ready to go. He felt a smile forming on his lips.

“Hey big guy, no dying on me, okay?” Mac whispered to Jack while he looked into dazed and pain filled eyes. Mac saw it was a close call. He hurried to cut through the ties around Jack’s ankle.

“Mac?” Jack’s voice was weak and nearly inaudible. The smile developed into a crazy grin plastered all over Jack’s face, because he must be getting crazy. Mac was there? He didn’t believe it. He reached out a hand and cupped the kid’s warm cheek with his cold hand. What he felt was life and reality. Mac replied the gesture by cupping Jack’s cheek with his hand letting Jack feel that he was there and about to be rescued.

“Yeah, it’s me,” Mac said before getting up. “We need to get out of here, though. You think you can walk?” Mac asked him while sliding under Jack’s left arm and lifting his weight up from the chair into an upright position. Jack leant heavily against Mac. His legs wouldn’t carry his weight, but Mac would, no matter how far and for how long. He was determined to get Jack out alive. Jack couldn’t believe that this was actually happening. He couldn’t believe that his kid had come for him. It was too much of a miracle to be true.

“Mac, we need to hurry,” Hank warned them. Mac understood. Time was running out.

“C’mon Jack, just a few steps and then you can rest,” Mac promised him. Jack, who was barely conscious and threatened to collapse onto Mac, walked with him out of the cell and then through the damp corridors. It was a slow process. While they ran out of time, Mac huffed. He would go kaboom with Jack. There were worst ways to die. Jack’s legs buckled. Mac struggled to keep the balance to hold them both upright.

“No, no, no Jack. I need your help, please it’s just a little further,” Mac pleaded. He needed Jack. He did. Jack heard his kid, but he heard more than just the words. He heard the despair, the sadness, the loneliness and the fear. He understood. His kid needed him. He couldn’t give in to the seducing darkness promising a pain free and peaceful rest. He scrapped the last of his energy reserves still leaning heavily against Mac.

They were close to the exit when the first IED exploded in the back of the fortress. They had to hurry. The heat and the blast came closer. Hank appeared at the other side of Jack and together they carried Jack outside. Jack’s legs gave in sending Mac down with him. Mac landed on his knees. He didn't feel his bone collide with the hard floor. He was numb. The rest of the team approached them and lay Jack onto a stretcher to transport him to the exfil chopper that was already hovering above them.

Mac’s mind went blank for the second time that night, because he just couldn’t accept that maybe he has been too late and that he failed Jack. He felt his body tremble when Jack was prepared for transport. He watched how the medics that appeared out of nowhere worked on Jack. He watched them starting an IV. He watched them injecting some drugs. He watched them intubating Jack. And he watched them burst into commotion when Jack’s heart eventually stopped. Mac felt a cold grip around his heart. He wanted to turn away. He couldn’t bear the sight of the medics fiercely performing CPR on Jack, but he couldn’t look away. Mac felt that he was about to lose it – about to lose Jack and there was nothing he could do about it. He was helpless. He watched them attaching the defibrillator. He watched Jack’s body convulse under the electro shocks again and again. His own heart stood still unwilling to beat on if Jack’s heart stopped beating. The cold grip tightened and squeezed his heart. Neither blood nor oxygen circulated. Mac saw black spots dancing in front of his eyes while the medics were frantically working to save Jack’s heart. Mac’s body trembled while fighting the tears that begged for their release. Mac heard himself beg: “Please Jack, don’t go. Don’t leave me behind.…Just…stay, please…” And then, the grip around Mac’s heart loosened a little as he watched the medics load Jack into the chopper. His heart was beating. Again.

“Jack’s strong and stubborn. If someone pulls through, it is him,” Hank said kneeling down next to Mac and placed a heavy but reassuring hand on Mac’s shoulder. Mac wanted to believe him, but he couldn’t. Too many people had left him behind. How could he possibly believe that this time it would be different?

He couldn’t and thus Mac remained a few more seconds. He needed some time to collect his bearings before he took the satellite phone.

“Matty, we got them, but Jack’s in bad shape,” Mac said. Matty took in the words with all the rwa emotions and fears they transported. Her heart broke and fear spread through her. What if Jack didn’t make it? How were they supposed to stop Mac from spiralling then? They hardly managed it until now. What if this was what pushed Mac finally over the edge? What if it made Mac finally doubt everything and leave them behind? She had lost him once. It didn’t work well.

“I’ll let him be transferred home,” she said not revealing the inner conflict she fought. She had to stay rock solid now. Mac needed her to stay strong and her voice conveyed that everything was going to be alright.


	8. Dirty Deeds done Dirt cheap

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this story. I really appriciate it that you spend your time with this.

_Still on the unoffical mission - Aftermath_

The mission wasn’t clandestine. With that explosion, it couldn’t have been any further away from that, but Mac knew the risks so it didn’t take him by surprise when Matty informed him:

“They’re waiting for you.” He had known it from the very beginning and he was ready to take the responsibility. If Jack survived, then it was worth it. Nothing else mattered. And if Jack didn’t make it, Mac couldn’t care any less about his destiny, because he was certain: without Jack at his side, it was meant to be fucked up anyhow.

Their destination was Austin Texas. It was agreed to give Jack’s family a chance to say goodbye, just in case. Hank and Jack’s former team didn’t believe in that case. They were content that Jack would pull through. Mac couldn’t tell whether they really believed it or were just too afraid to think otherwise, like he was. Two words “too late” lingered in his head. They got stuck there and were unwilling to let got.

“Jack’s a tough man,” Hank said putting a reassuring hand onto his shoulder. “Mac, you saved his life. You did everything right. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise,” Hank would strew in at some point, too. Mac understood what he was referring to. He had dropped the gun the second he realised what he had done, but he had no time to really process what he had done – that he had killed deliberately.

They touched down. Mac braced himself for the final act.

“Tell them it was my idea,” Hank offered, but Mac shook his head.

“No, this was my mission, my responsibility and ultimately you did, what I told you to,” Mac replied. Maybe it was his stupid pride. Maybe it was the fact that he had no idea of how to go on with his life if Jack didn’t make it.

When he stepped out of the chopper, they were waiting for him: three guys in black suits with their gun sdrawn and pointed at him. He raised his arms to surrender, no need to make a fuss. One of the guys walked towards him, grabbed his right wrist and turned his arm painfully behind his back and forced Mac to his knees with a forceful shove into his back. The collision of his bones with the tarmac rattled through his body. His hands were harshly zip-tied behind his back before he was manhandled into a car and brought to a dark interrogation cell. He couldn’t tell how much time passed until they started interrogating him.

Matty was on the phone the second she was informed that Mac was in CIA custody. It was an unfair game they played. The CIA messed up the mission and now was determined to make an example of the man who had cleaned up their mess. She couldn’t possibly let that happen. Not after the respective man had made a genuinely fucked up mission a success and against all odds saved several innocent lives. For the CIA, he was nothing more than a scapegoat – a pawn sacrifice.

After she tried to call in each favour she had and still got nowhere, it was time to let Taylor in on the unofficial mission. She was content that he wouldn’t like it, because she went behind his back, but she had to deal with the consequences later.

“You did what?” he was furious when Matty told him about her ‘unofficial mission’ and that it was Angus she had sent. Sending Angus on a solo mission was far from being a wise move. Codex was putting a lot of pressure on him and since his family was involved in Codex’ business as well, Russ wouldn’t be too surprised if Mac eventually gave in. This was something they had to have a close look at. Russ wouldn’t lose another team through Codex. He made it his private mission. He wouldn’t let another MacGyver ruin this one - his mission.

“It was the only option I had,” after all, Mac was their best man and Taylor had to acknowledge it.

“And what now? What do you expect me to do? Shall I walk into the CIA building in Austin and take him home?” Russ wasn’t sure whether he liked the idea of Angus having been out there on an unofficial solo mission. He also wasn’t sure whether he wanted Angus being released from CIA custody at that specific point of time – before he managed to finally stop Codex.

“Something like that, yes,” Matty replied. She saw Taylor’s doubts. The relationship between him and Mac was tense. Codex left a bitter aftertaste. This group was uncontrollable and he hated it. He needed to have Angus near him in case he would spiral out of control and into Codex’ arms. However, if Angus was incapacitated, he’d take that too, Russ thought.

“Matty, I really want to help you, but maybe it’s for the best,” he started a vague attempt.

“What are you implying?” Matty asked furiously because she very well understood where Russ’ track of thoughts went. She didn’t like it. It deeply concerned her even.

“With Codex being around and actually being after him, maybe it was good if he was somewhere safe”, Russ tried to sound innocent, but failed. He couldn’t hide his agenda from her.

“You want to leave Mac in CIA custody? Why? Because of what? Only because you think he might side with Codex and their theories? Hell Russ, this is Mac we’re talking about,” Matty retorted harshly. How could Russ possibly come up with such a plan? Sure, she was worried about Mac and Codex’ influence on him. She was aware that he stood under high physical and emotional pressure, but she trusted him to withstand. And that was exactly her biggest mistake in Russ’ point of view. Subconsciously, he had MacGyver already classified as an uncontrollable and dangerous risk. He was a MacGyver through and through and he was capable of crossing his plans.

“I know who I am talking about, Matty,” Russ therefore yelled at her to make her finally see what she was closing her eyes to – the truth. “I know it is difficult to accept, Matty, but we have to face the reality and that means that Angus has become a risk. I’m not sure whether he’s mentally stable enough to differ right from wrong any longer,” he pleaded with her and she knew where he was coming from and she wouldn’t deny that they had to keep an eye on Mac. But in her opinion, it wasn’t enough of a reason to let him down. The contrary, it was their obligation to be there for him, to help him and most importantly to hold him together - keep him from falling apart.

“Russ, I know what you’re afraid of, but it’s on us to keep Mac from doing something stupid. It’s our job to help him through this,” Matty pointed out. Russ sighed and conceded accepting his defeat – for now. In fact, he had to acknowledge Matty’s reasoning. Besides, he had to consider that the team might no longer work for him if they found out that he let Mac down after he rescued a dear member of their family. He couldn’t battle Codex on his own.

Meanwhile, Mac sat in the interrogation room from the CIA. He couldn’t tell how much time had passed. There were no windows and no clock. There was no way for him to measure time. But he was content it had been a while now that he was there. They asked him questions. He didn’t answer. He stayed calm and collected, but his nerves were frazzled thin. He grew tired of the game they played with him. He was exhausted and the headache was killing him. His whole left side throbbed and he wasn’t sure whether it was only bruised or even cracked ribs. It hurt though. He would have given his right hand for a glass of water by now, but he didn’t want to admit any weak points. These guys would use it against him and try to press the information from him. So, he ignored the burning thirst, his headache and his throbbing side. His nerves were ragged, though. He hadn’t gotten any news on Jack’s condition and that was what really unnerved him. No news was bad news. The two words “too late” were gnawing away at him. He failed Jack. He failed the very person, who least deserved his – Mac’s – failure, but that he gave the best and more. Well, it seemed like he was about to get enough time to think about it. The chances that he would get free were slim. On the other hand, who told him that he had to stay? He could just walk out the door if he wanted to. He felt like crap and he wanted to curl up somewhere dark and just shut out the world. That he couldn’t, annoyed him and he still had a tendency to become a little recalcitrant or bolshie, as one of his supervisors back in the army called it, when he was past his limits.

His thread of thoughts was interrupted by a man wearing a black suit. Mac couldn’t tell whether it was yet another guy or the same who had interrogated him over and again. They all looked alike.

“So Mr. MacGyver, until now we tried to ask you politely about what happened in Nicaragua. Unfortunately, you’ve been not very forthcoming, but uncooperative. But I’m a patient man and willing to give you a second chance. So, tell me, what happened in Nicaragua?” the guy asked and Mac realised he couldn’t take any more of this shit.

“We cleared out your mess, since you let a mole infiltrate your agency to manipulate a whole mission putting innocent lives at stake,” Mac replied after he decided that he wanted to leave that place. Being sassy wouldn’t increase his chances for that, but that didn’t matter to him. The snarky EOD-tech, who touched Jack Dalton’s stuff without permission, put on a cocky grin.

“If it was our entire fault, why are you here then?” the guy asked causing Mac to grin.

“Courtesy,” Mac replied throwing the handcuffs they had him in towards the agent, who caught them with surprise. What was wrong with these people leaving paperclips unattended lying around? The guy sobered up fast and drew his gun and pointed at Mac, who rose from the chair and slowly walked towards the door. Seriously, he didn’t give a damn about the gun pointed at him. Not anymore. Not with all the shit that was currently thrown at him from all sides. He was somehow done with this and if this was his last act then be it. He’d sit in hell and wait for Jack to join him. They would have plenty of time to catch up then.

“You know, there are just two options: either you shoot me or I’ll walk out of this door,” Mac told the guy locking eyes with him. He was damn serious about it. He grabbed the handle of the door and opened it. He entered the corridor. He had his back turned to the guy who still pointed the gun at him. At least he would count for a coward if he shot Mac now, Mac thought, while he walked down the corridors and out of the building unchallenged. Someone had called the CIA and told them that shooting MacGyver or locking him up was a bad idea, since everybody knew whose fault it really was. Besides, nobody could guarantee that there would be no leakage of intel on this messed up mission. That was why the boss of the guy in the black suit came, put an appeasing hand onto his arm and told him to put the gun down and let the boy go home.

The boy, however, didn’t go home. He needed to find out about Jack and drove to the hospital he was admitted to. If there had been only a tiny little bit of hope it was crushed instantly. It’s been three days and Jack still wasn’t out of the woods. He couldn’t breathe on his own. A vent had to takeover that part of his body function. Jack’s body was just too weak. He had lost a lot of blood. The gun-shot wound in his leg was infected. The doctors couldn’t tell whether Jack would eventually lose his leg. Mac didn’t even dare thinking about what it would do to Jack if they had to amputate his leg. He shuddered at the mere thought. And although the visits in ICU were reserved to family members, the nurse on duty took pity on Mac and told him where he could find Jack. Maybe, his family would allow him to sit with his friend for a few minutes, she would say. Friends. That word was so trivial and not at all expressing what Jack meant to him. But if this word got him a few minutes with Jack, he’d take it anyway.

When he reached the ICU and the room Jack was in, Mac’s heart stopped for a split second. He was hooked up to a countless number of medical devices and pale like the sheets that covered his seemingly fragile form. Jack had become thin, Mac thought. The man in the hospital bed seemed to have nothing in common with the Jack that left three years ago. The emotions which the sight of Jack sparked in Mac, however, unmistakable confirmed that this man indeed was Jack.

There was no other visitor around. Mac looked around to see if there was someone approaching and when he saw nobody, he entered the room and stepped closer to Jack. Mac’s chest tightened, his breaths were squeezed and he had a hard time to keep himself from crying. He took Jack’s cold lifeless hand into his.

“I’m sorry big guy. I was too late,” Mac whispered. He wished he had been there earlier. He wished he could have saved Jack from Kovacs’ torture. He wished he never had let Jack go alone on this mission. He should have joined him. Mac carefully put his other hand on Jack’s chest. The steady rise and fall of his chest, although artificial, soothed his ragged nerves. Mac’s never been more afraid of something than of losing Jack and now it was so close to happen. It drove him to despair that he could do nothing but stand there and watch it happening.

“Jack, you have to pull through,” Mac started pleading, “I need you,” he whispered his voice laced with the pressure of unshed tears. He was dragged out of his thoughts by a harrumph. He turned around and his gaze fell onto a man who now stood with him in the room. He was tall and broad shouldered, in his late sixties or beginning seventies and definitely shared Jack’s gene pool. He was undeniable related to Jack.

“Angus MacGyver?” the man asked him eyeing Mac carefully, but with gentle eyes.

“Yeah, what gave it away?” Mac asked stepping back from the bed.

“Well, Jack uses to talk about his blond, scrawny burger-named kid. Thought that might fit,” he replied and stepped forward placing a strong firm hand on Mac’s shoulder. This gesture felt so familiar it nearly hurt. It was what Jack used to do to reassure Mac. Mac tensed up, though.

“Thank you,” the man said looking deep into Mac’s eyes. There was an honesty about them, which Mac only had seen in Jack’s eyes before.

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know what you mean. I’m just a friend and came by to visit,” Mac replied while the man had a close look at him. His gaze settled on the large bruise in Mac’s face. He nodded knowingly before he said: “Let me put it that way, Jack’s Dad and I, we are or were familiar with the agency business and were glad to have guys like you to save the day, so thank you,” the man said. Mac didn’t think about what the man said, but shook his head anyway, because he didn’t deserve these words. There was nothing to thank him for.

“Don’t…Not yet anyway,” Mac declined the words that hurt even more. His eyes wandered back to Jack’s still form. This was surreal. Jack was never still. Something was always in motion and if it was only his mouth that wouldn’t shut up and filled in the channel for their comms with constant chatter about some random nonsense.

“No worries. Jack’s strong like a bull and stubborn as a mule. He’ll pull through,” Mac really wanted to believe that. He turned around and was about to leave.

“Stay,” the man offered, but Mac wouldn’t. He didn’t deserve to stay. He didn’t want to take this precious time away from Jack’s family.

“I have to go, not signed off de-tour,” Mac explained and then went off. When he reached the exit, he spotted Russ waiting for him outside. That meant he had to head back to L.A – or could head back to L.A, however you wanted to put it. An elderly lady crossed his path on his way out of the building. When she spotted him, she hurried towards Mac and pulled him into a Dalton trademark bear hug. Mac winced when his ribs protested with screaming pain against that well-meant gesture.

“Thank you for bringing my son home to me,” she whispered into his ears before she released him and left him standing in the middle of the corridor bewildered and not grasping what had just happened. He watched her walk for the directions of the ICU.

“C’mon Mac, let’s head home. I bet you’re beat,” Russ pulled him out of his thoughts, escorted him to a car and drove him to the jet which flew them straight back to L.A. A look at Russ told Mac that he was out of the CIA custody, but he wasn’t free. Mac wished it were Riley and Bozer who came to pick him up. He felt miserable, physically and emotionally. He wanted nothing more but be somewhere and with someone who would allow him to lose it a bit. He needed someone who told him that it was alright if he broke down and wept like a child. He wasn’t sure how long he was able to hold it together, alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: Someone has a secret. Russ doubts Mac and then Codex comes and does something stupid, which forces Mac to do something even stupider aka: a hard way to whump ;)   
> Unfortunately, this story turned out to be a little more complex than I originally thought. Please bear with me.


	9. Innuendo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The arc of tension slwoly runs to its climax and whump

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for taking the time and reading this story. I really appriciate it :D

_Back in the here and now_

Russ read the mission reports carefully. He didn’t like what he read, because it changed everything. Until now, he could rely on Angus’ incapacity to kill. That changed with Kovacs' death. The security net which hung between Phoenix and Codex evaporated with this gunshot. Russ’ gaze wandered over to his mobile. He watched a red spot blink on it. It didn’t move. That was good.

Russ cursed the MacGyver clan. It all started with Ellen’s stupid idea of saving the planet. If it wasn’t for her and her theories, Codex wouldn’t have an agenda justifying the death of billions of people. If it wasn’t for her, they wouldn’t sit in this mess. If he had only reacted faster back then and put an end to it sooner. But he didn’t. He has been too weak for that. Looking someone into the eyes before you kill him was one thing. Killing someone in the awareness that you were about to ruin a young innocent life, was different. Plague versus Cholera and he had closed his eyes, because this one false decision killed his team one year later. He had hoped James MacGyver would stop Codex, but he failed and now Angus stood in the centre of the mess his parents had produced. Family business. How did you expect a young man with well-justified but serious abandonment issues, who on top was too smart for his own good, to react when you mother’s sister showed up and told you that you could fulfil what your long time gone mother had wished for? He had no idea. Angus had become unpredictable and uncontrollable. And he was a good agent. Russ suspected that it only was a matter of time until Mac found out the dreaded truth about Russ' false decision – about double failure.

“Matty, he crossed a line here,” Russ thus yelled at Matty expressing his frustration about the growing complications the MacGyvers caused. Matty had tried hard to keep the mission reports from Russ, because she suspected he would freak out. His attempts to argue Mac’s unfitness for the job became more obvious and under any other circumstances she would have taken Mac aside, talked to him and would have kept him out of the line of fire. But this was no option at this time. They needed Mac if they wanted to stop Codex. He was the only one who was intellectually up to this unit and its plans. Russ saw it that way, too. However, he didn’t trust Mac as she did. How could he? Matty and Mac have been working together for several years now. They have lived through the loss of good friends and innocent lives and lived through close calls. And somehow, she has been around during all those years since she met Jim. She was confident that she knew Mac. This was, where Russ disagreed. Codex had reshuffled the cards. They had an undeniable influence on Angus and nobody could tell how he reacted to that. And now he had shot a human being – a valiant of course, probably one of the evillest creatures on earth. But still. Angus had distanced himself from his own principles. It was possible for him and for this it was even more probable that he would turn his back on them and joined Codex’ cause.

“Russ, did you actually read the reports? He had no other options. Kovacs was about to kill Jack,” Matty defended Mac’s actions not realising that Russ didn’t get the meaning of this. He couldn’t. He didn’t know Jack. And had no idea what and who he was to Mac.

“And it was enough for Mac to throw his principles over board,” Russ therefore countered, “He changed is grounds of reasoning. He can be cold-blooded. I’m sorry Matty, but this changes everything. He has been a risk before. But now he’s dangerous, ready to kill if it helps his cause,” he went on.

“Russ, stop being so paranoid. This was about Jack and Jack’s family. You should know best how far one goes to protect those you love,” Matty emphasised the exceptional circumstances Mac was faced with when he had to kill Kovacs, but Russ unbroken determination to stop Codex and keep Mac out of this ‘family business’ made him reluctant to acknowledge that. So, he said: “They’re not even related!”

“But that doesn’t mean a thing! Family isn’t about DNA and genes. It means those who love and care about you. In that respect, Jack’s been the closest thing to a family Mac has ever had. He’s been there for Mac ever since they met in the sandbox. He re-upped his time in Afghanistan only to be there for his kid. He helped Mac through the Lake Como incident. He’s always been there for Mac. If nobody else was here to help, Jack would set heaven and hell in motion and protect his kid no matter to what costs. So, don’t tell me, he’s no family,” Matty counted Russ out and indeed, there was nothing left to say for him. He had heard about Angus’ and Jack’s relationship, the famous co-dependency. In fact, Jack was the father figure Mac has never had. His gaze went back to the red dot blinking on the display of his mobile. It was in the same position as it was before. It hadn’t moved. But then the blinking was interrupted. Russ inhaled a sharp breath. He knew that he would find out at some point of time, but he didn’t think it would be that soon. His heart raced as his mind came up with all possible explanations he could give. Exit strategy. He looked back onto the display of his mobile. The red dot was there, blinking again in its regular rhythm and same position as before. He breathed a sigh of relief. False alarm.

“Russ, you alright?” Matty asked after witnessing Russ going pale in a split second without warning.

“Yeah, sure. It’s just a lot of pressure lately,” Russ phrased a shared impression of the latest occasions.

“I know, but treating Mac like he was the enemy, doesn’t help,” Matty replied. And she was right, but it didn’t help him to fall asleep at night.

Meanwhile Mac was at home entertaining a good friend from his time at the MIT. Mac was still benched from the work at Phoenix. His medical leave was mysteriously prolonged. Matty also wouldn’t permit him to visit Jack. Mac couldn’t stop thinking that maybe he was under some sort of house detention. Now he stood in his kitchen fetching himself and Rick some coffee and went back onto the deck. Rick was an IT specialist at NSA. Mac was convinced, if Rick had been there when Riley hacked the NSA, it wouldn’t have been so easy for her. Rick was just incredible and some sort of crazy. Behind the relaxed guy, who liked to smoke some weed once in a while, hid a brilliant IT specialist whose visions bordered on delusions of grandeur. But Mac liked working with him. Quite a while now, Rick was obsessed with Cyborgs. For this, Mac helped him to develop some sort of bio-chip – a microchip which was implanted under the skin. It measured and recorded biological data like blood pressure, pulse rate, oxygen and so on. It was creepy, but Rick followed the Cyborg movement and now was at Mac’s home to present a first prototype of his bio-chip. Of course, Rick used himself as guinea pig. Mac was stunned. The chip actually worked, but what got him most interested was the fact that Rick managed to store his I-tunes playlist on the chip which he could play through a Bluetooth function of his computer. The memory space of that chip was immense. Rick really had outdone himself. He was absorbed in his own little world while explaining Mac everything in detail. They forgot about lunch and since Mac didn’t want to be a rude host, he decided to get a few sandwiches from the deli down the corner of the street. Before he went down there, a question popped up in his mind.

“What is the enclosure made of?”

“Titan, but that makes the chip bigger than necessary. Magnesium works, too, but that dissolves after a while,” Rick explained, “I’d like to hear your expertise. I mean, you’re an expert regarding material and substances. Maybe you have an idea,” Rick asked Mac.

“What about an alloy?”

“But it has to be very thin,” Rick interjected.

“Let me think about it. I’m sure there’ll be a solution to that problem,” Mac said thinking hard about what possible substances could fit as alloy.

“That’d be great. I mean, think about it. If all people had such an implant, Minority Report could become real,” Rick started to romanticise. Mac shook his head. In fact, he found that idea more than just a little creepy. His freedom and privacy were a good he highly valued. Admittedly, he didn’t like George Orwell much.

“Yeah, I’m no big fan of police states and surveillance societies,” Mac thus countered.

“Oh, c’mon Mac! Stop thinking George Orwell. Take H.G. Well’s point of view,” Rick became too enthusiastic about the discussion.

“You know that actually ‘ _the time machine_ ’ can also be read as criticism on…” and there Rick interrupted Mac with a sharp whistle and then said: “Please Mac, can we just sit here and enjoy the idea of an ultimate peaceful society,” Rick said, his eyes wandering inside the house.

“Rick, this…” but again Mac was interrupted. This time it was a ‘hush’ from Rick whose gaze fell on Riley, who was about to step onto the deck.

“Stop talking nonsense and introduce me to this beautiful eyesight,” Rick said. Mac chuckled. Rick was practically drooling at Riley’s sight, but Mac had seen this reaction coming. Rick’s always been a womanizer and a successful one, too.

“Rick, please meet Riley Davis a colleague of mine and my new roomie. Riley, this is Rick. We met at the MIT and I’m currently not sure whether this Casanova here is single,” Mac pointed out. He didn’t want Riley to become one of Rick’s many bed bunnies.

“I’m all on my own for three months now and all yours if you want me,” Rick offered himself to Riley who had a bemused grin on her face.

“Know what? I leave you two to it and head for the lab to find a solution to your problem,” Mac said and then get up to give the tow ‘lovebirds’ some private time. “Besides, how long does it take for magnesium to dissolve?” Mac shot one last question at Rick.

“About six months, why?” Rick shot him curious looks.

“Just curious,” Mac replied.

When he came home later that night, he had made some interesting findings. He told Rick about a possible alloy over dinner. Riley had joined them. With the promise to dive a little deeper into the topic and get back to Rick ASAP, he left the two on their own. He had suspected that Riley would like Rick. Well, Riley deserved some fun time away from all the Phoenix chaos. She deserved to be happy after all the shit she has had to endure lately. Shit mainly he – Mac – was responsible for. And if someone was capable of taming the Casanova in Rick, it would be Riley. Maybe there was more than a friendship blossoming. In that case, he really wished them both all the luck on earth. And if not that, then at least a nice evening out and a new gained friend.

He fidgeted with a band aid on his forearm covering what he had told Russ was a bite, while skimming though a file. He used his ‘time off’ to make some research. He wanted some evidence on what his aunt had told him about his Mom and the CIA. He needed to know how trustworthy his aunt was. It was difficult to get hands on information regarding file 47 and those involved in it. He had to act clandestine and called in some favours to find something. His aunt didn’t lie. Indeed, the CIA had been after her and his Mom. It was said they had carried out attacks. The background on this, however, was a little dubious and obscure. The reports he got were heavily redacted. There was not much information on what actually got the CIA’s attention. Mac was missing hints on an immediate threat, but that wasn’t unusual either. They often stepped in before such a threat arose.

He stumbled over the records of a high ranked CIA meeting. It was a meeting held shortly after his mother died. His mother’s activities were classified as terroristic act. The records didn’t say which actions this included. Mac shook his head. He couldn’t believe that his Mom wanted to kill so many people. He didn’t want to believe it. Was that making him blind for the obvious? He didn’t know his mother after all. But he got the chance to get to know his father. He surely wouldn’t be able to live together with a person that supported Codex. And hadn’t his father said that his mother hadn’t been part of it – didn’t support the idea of a mass destruction weapon? He mused about the information he got. The operation that got his mother killed and his aunt severely injured must have been of some larger dimension requiring a lot of resources. Still, there was only a handful of CIA agents mentioned. This either meant that there were several undercover agents or not only the CIA was involved. Mac couldn’t tell which one.

And then there was something else, which caught his attention. One of the reports stated that his mother contacted an agent. There were several sporadic meetings with said agent and his Mom. Unfortunately, the report didn’t state anything about the nature of this contact. This information was redacted. But there was something about it – about this agent. It was the approach. In fact, it took some time until he found it, but he did detect a pattern. The course of action was the same with his mother and with his aunt. It bore the same signature – a familiar one.

With a frustrated sigh, Mac pushed the files off his coffee table. He wished he could talk to someone about it. Maybe he was seeing ghosts and there was nothing. Maybe he only had a hard time accepting the truth. Maybe there was more to it and he missed the point. He wished he could talk to Jack about it, but he was still in hospital recovering from Kovacs treatment. His leg was healing, but they had to remove muscle tissue, which meant that Jack would probably be limping for his ongoing life. The probability that he would gain back the full capability of his leg was slim.

Riley had made up an explanation for Jack for why Mac didn’t come to visit. He didn’t buy it. They had tried a call, but it had been awkward. Neither of them knew what to say and so they decided to end it after a couple of minutes of nothing more than silence. The silence got Jack worried. His spidy-senses were tickling. Something was off, but Matty wouldn’t brief him on what happened during the past three years and Mac wouldn’t tell him. If it was only for Matty’s and Russ’ order not to fly down to Texas, Mac would’ve jumped into the next plane thinking about the consequences later. Both men knew that. But only Mac knew that he managed to earn a barrel of distrust, which would get him into more trouble than just a reprimand.

Mac had to do something. Codex was nearing him. They were getting closer and closer and Mac feared he was about to make a wrong decision. He picked up the files from the floor. There was one person that indeed could give him more information. But talking to Russ about Codex was difficult at best times as long as Mac hadn’t proven his loyalty. Unfortunately, nobody told him how to prove it. By denying the obvious? Mac wished they could at least have an open discussion about Codex, throwing back and forth ideas and opinions, but Codex was forbidden terrain and labelled as wrong. No discussion allowed. You were either for them or against them. Russ didn’t hide his opinion about Codex and how wrong they were. He took it personally. This was the only explanation why he was reacting so irrational, blocking out any objectivity. But it was as if only Mac saw it. Nobody else did. Nobody questioned Russ’ attitude. Was it really all about the lives at stake? All their missions tended to be about saving innocent lives, but Russ never before made such a fuss of it. Why now? What was different this time? Russ was the new boss. Nobody asked whether he could be compromised, too. Mac took the reports he got and skimmed through them anew. He was missing something, but he was determined to find out what it was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Parts of this chapter were inspired by a documentary I watched a while ago about people that really have some micro chips implanted under their skin with which they can unlock doors and their mobile phones and such. I used this information and exaggerated a little. But maybe with respect to Tesla's publications on the neuralink-chip it's less exaggeration than it was, when I wrote this chapter.


	10. Child in Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack's back and what he finds, he doesn't like very much. Meanwhile, Codex drives Mac into a corner and Russ becomes even more hostile towards Mac.

Jack knew that Mac rescued him and he was beyond grateful for it. At first, pride filled his chest, because it was **_his_** kid that saved the day once again. But then, the pride turned into worry. It’s been nearly two weeks now, but he hasn’t seen his kid. Riley told him that for some dubious reasons, Matty didn’t allow Mac to fly over to Texas. She implied that something was going on, but didn’t tell him what it was. However, she let him in on a few things that happened during those three years he hadn’t been with them and it hurt. It hurt to listen to what his kid went through without him at his side for physical and emotional support. His kid must've been shattered after watching Charlie die. Jack wished he could thank this man for giving his life to save Mac from the consequences Mason's moral dilemma. Jack wished he had been there. Jack wished he had been there, when the Phoenix was dismantled and their little family fell apart over it. He wished he had been there to hold their little family together. He wished he had been there for his kid that surely sought the blame for it with himself. That wasn’t right.

Riley left out everything Codex-related and Mac’s on- and off-relationship with Desi. The former was reserved to Matty, who was insistent on being the first one who talked to Jack about this rather delicate matter. The latter, though, wasn’t her business. Nevertheless, what she told Jack was enough for him to realise that Mac must have changed. Given what he went through, it was impossible that he didn’t. Jack was afraid of what the past three years had done to his relationship to Mac. Was he still his kid? He doubted it. From what Riley told him and especially drawn from the way how she told him about the past events, he got the impression that his young Padawan was edging towards the dark side. Otherwise he couldn’t come up with a plausible reason for why Mac actually obeyed Matty’s order and stayed put. His impression was only confirmed when Hank stopped by and described colourful how Jack’s kid got him out of prison and killed Kovacs.

“You trained your boy really good. If he ever gets bored of being part of the science department, let me know. I always need good new recruits,” Hank said with which he got Jack’s entire attention. When Hank finally told him that it was actually Mac who planted the bullet in Kovacs’ head, it was enough for Jack to leave the hospital against better advice. His leg was still bothering him. Walking was an agony and he was still plagued with fatigue as consequence of the blood loss, but he had to go and see his kid. Thus, he pecked his mother goodbye promising her to be back as soon as he made sure that his kid was alright and then entered the plane to L.A. It wasn’t the fact that his kid had killed someone which got his worry increase. It was the idea what this would make with his kid. This burden had to weigh heavy on Mac’s shoulders. He wasn’t a trained killer. He always gave his life to save the others. He never took one. But maybe that had changed, too?

Jack told Riley that he was coming and asked her for some time alone with his boy. She understood, but the shadow that crossed her face didn’t remain unnoticed. He asked her upfront what it was about, but she waved it aside and told him to talk to Matty first. Indeed, he would talk to Matty. All the hocus-pocus and mystery-mongering was annoying. But at first and most importantly he had to take his kid into a bear-hug.

Now he stood in the door frame to Mac’s bedroom watching his kid. Mac was engrossed in new information he gathered on his Mom’s and his aunt’s case. He didn’t notice Jack who watched him carefully from afar. To Jack, Mac didn’t seem to have changed much. He looked a little more mature, but that was to be expected. After all, his worry might have been unjustified and driven by the fear that his kid didn’t need him or want him anymore. Little did he know about Mac’s struggle and his longing for Jack to give him directions and tell him what to do.

After a few seconds passed, Jack cleared his throat to make his presence known. Mac got a fright and jolted out of his chair and with the same move hid the papers he was working on. It took him a few seconds to register what happened and to collect his bearings when he spotted Jack standing on the threshold to his bedroom. They looked at each other locking eyes. Jack had always imagined this as the moment when a father met his son after the journey which turned the son from boy to man. It was such a moment, but his chest didn’t fill with pride at the sight of his grown-up kid, but a shiver ran down his spine. It was worry and fear that overwhelmed him and he forgot all about his bear-hug. There was a roughness on his kid – Mac – that hadn’t been there before he left. He was dark around the edges. It looked as if Mac lost his innocence and Jack couldn’t tell whether it was all Kovacs’ doing.

“Hey, hoss,” Jack said shaking off his initial, paralysing fear and worry.

“Hey, Jack,” Mac replied shyly. If their goodbye was cold, their welcome was freezing, although Mac wanted nothing more than to rush over to Jack and pull him into a whole-hearted hug, but something blocked his way. He blocked it himself or rather what he was about to become did. Jack noticed this inner rift and didn’t make a move. It was like witnessing the light fight the dark or rather his kid fighting the man that stood now face to face with Jack.

“Did they release you voluntarily or did you run?” Mac asked attempting a joke to break the iced atmosphere but failing it.

“I was worried about you,” Jack said in his trademark Texan drawl, but it missed its effect. It didn’t ease the awkward atmosphere between them. He watched Mac’s posture turning defensive - the man was about to win the fight over the kid. Mac’s body tensed up as to prepare for an anticipated blow, because he didn’t know why Jack was suddenly there. And no matter why, but he surely would turn around and leave any second. Jack would certainly not approve what he did, too. How could he? If everybody around him told him that it was wrong, how could he still deny it and say it was right? Maybe in a sick twisted way, but it still was – somehow. And his head couldn't wrap around the fact that he was actually the one who was wrong. It was all a chaotic mess and he had lost his orientation.

Mac's reaction ripped painfully though Jack’s heart. What in hell’s name had happened to his kid that he even expected Jack to lash out? But how was Mac supposed to react? He didn’t know what Jack knew about Codex. But if Matty had talked to him about it, she surely didn’t leave out that Mac was incapable of demonising all their theories. After all, Mac was content that as soon as Jack found out, he probably would have Mac’s ass for it.

“I’m sorry to hear,” Mac replied. Jack shouldn't have to worry about him and he certainly shouldn't leave the hospital against medical advice. He needed to heal and Mac couldn't stay between Jack and his recovers. It felt so awfully wrong. He felt so awfully wrong.

“Don’t be,” Jack responded not wanting Mac to feel responsible for his worry. “May I come in?” Jack then asked, while still standing in the doorframe too far away from his kid that with a nod gave him permission to enter the bedroom. Jack was reminded of how they used to deal with new horses at the ranch. Jack would ask their permission to enter their physical sphere before taking slow steps towards them mumbling soothing nonsense until he was close enough to touch them. It was the same he did with Mac. Slowly and as carefully as possible he walked into the bedroom. Mac didn’t step away, not even when Jack stepped as close to him that they stood toe to toe. And then, upon following a sudden impulse that he couldn’t suppress, he took his kid into the hug he has been waiting to give for so long. And it felt right. It felt so damn right to feel his kid’s head in the crook between his neck and his collarbone when he cupped the back of Mac’s head and pressed it gently towards his chest, just above his heart. It felt so damn right to feel this familiar bony back under his hand. And Mac gave into this hug, not fighting but melting into the touch he has been longing for so long and had been denied ever since. It felt so damn real and sincere and he hadn’t had any of that for quite a while now. Therefore, he made the most of this hug, aware that this might be the last one.

Jack didn’t want to let go of Mac and break the moment, but Mac’s fierce response to his hug told him that there was some serious talking needed. He slowly released Mac, who was still his kid. He might have grown-up, the past three years had shaped him, but he was still there. Together they could chase away the man.

“How’s your leg?” Mac asked hesitantly. He saw that Jack was limping, not heavily but still visible, though. Riley had kept him up to date on Jack’s condition. So, Mac knew how bad it was when, one night, Riley called in tears and told him that maybe Jack would lose his leg because of a developing sepsis. It was Jack’s mother that put her foot down and told the doctors that they could just as well shoot her son if they decided to perform an amputation. So, they better did their job properly and rescued her son’s leg. This run down had been fruitful, but not without long-term effects. They had to remove some muscle tissue causing Jack to limp.

“Getting better,” Jack simply replied while looking onto some papers strewn on Mac’s desk and the he spotted the essay.

“What’s this? Nostradamus predicting a second apocalypse?” Jack asked holding up Gwen’s essay. Mac’s expression turned dark. That was it. The familiar feeling of comfort evaporated.

“This is a lot of trouble,” Mac admitted and took the essay from Jack’s hand and put it back and out of sight. He was not yet ready to lose Jack over this, too. He had lost so much already through file 47 and Codex. He just wanted to hold onto this moment.

“What?” Jack was confused. How could an essay possibly be trouble? And Mac sighed. The moment he had tried to capture sailed away.

“These are the forbidden fruits and I’m causing a lot of trouble only reading this,” Mac wouldn’t lie to Jack, but he also wouldn’t act against Matty’s order and tell Jack about Codex. And it was the right thing to do. He didn’t want Jack to be compromised by telling him his version of what happened.

“Mac, what are you talking about?” Jack’s worry was fuelled once more and seeing Mac going dark like this frightened him. Mac was about to tell Jack to let it go and talk to Matty first, when his mobile went off. It was an unknown number. The caller ID was supressed. It was a video message. When Mac opened the file, the blood froze in his veins. The video showed Desi being tied to a chair in a dark basement. She struggled against the restraints. The duct tape over her mouth kept her from screaming. Then she looked straight into the lens of the camera and Mac’s heart stopped when he saw the fear in her eyes. It was bad, if Desi was frightened like this. A bruise was forming on her cheek. This wasn’t supposed to happen, Mac thought while regretting not to have reacted any sooner.

“We have your girlfriend. Help us and she’s free,” a contorted voice said before the video stopped and the display went dark.

Now they stood in the war room re-watching the video and each time Mac saw it again, his heart sank even deeper. He felt Jack standing behind him. Jack was shell shocked when he entered the war room. It wasn’t the new face of Russ Taylor, but the hostility that screamed at him. It obviously stemmed from something that stood between Taylor and Mac. Jack watched Matty’s usual calm demeanour while Riley and Bozer seemed awfully insecure. Jack had to find out what was going on and thus asked: “Matty, what’s going on here?”

“Not now, Jack. Later. First, we need to find a way to get Desi back. Are we one hundred percent sure that this is Codex?” Matty took the oar in her hands.

“Unfortunately, yes,” Riley replied hesitantly.

“Then it’s easy. Trade me for her,” Mac said. Why delaying the inevitable any longer?

“Are you nuts?” Jack blurted irritated by Mac’s reaction, which only added to his confusion.

“Blondie, whenever did I trade one agent for another one?” Matty cut Mac and Jack off, but Mac wouldn’t have any of it.

“Matty, they want me and this might be the best way to get me into their organisation and stop them from the inside,” Mac explained his plan. It was the best idea he could come up with and eventually it was the only option they had.

“Do you really plan on stopping them or is this your free ticket to join them unchallenged?”

“Know what Russ, if you have a problem with me, then spit it out,” Mac growled. He was fed up with Russ trying to push his buttons. He should just phrase his suspicion and act according to it, but spare Mac these ongoing accusations.

“Ah, c’mon Angus, you know what the problem is. You’re compromised,” Russ countered what earned him a snide snort from Mac, which expressed an arrogance that was so uncharacteristic for Mac.

“You sure I’m the only one who’s compromised?” Mac shot back catching Russ by surprise. Russ was just about to do as Mac had asked and give him a piece of his mind when Matty broke up the battle of the two alpha males in the war room.

“Guys, this is not helping Desi. We need a plan,” she said stepping between Russ and Mac, shoving Mac carefully back into his corner where Jack stood and placed a calm hand on his shoulder.

“I might not know what this is about, but we might try it old school,” Jack suggested and they did it old school.

Riley could track down the location from where the video was sent. It was an old warehouse at the other end of the city. Riley then hacked into their surveillance system and manipulated all cameras and sensors. She didn’t shut them off as not to warn them. However, they wouldn’t see them coming either. Russ and Mac drove to the warehouse. Grudgingly they had put their dissent aside for the time being. Jack had wanted to join them. He didn’t like Mac going on a rescue mission without proper back-up and that Taylor guy didn’t look like he knew how to fire a gun and most importantly, Jack didn’t trust him. Mac was the thorn in his side and to Jack it was obvious that Taylor wanted to get rid of Mac. Matty wouldn’t let him go, though. He still had a long recovery process ahead. His leg was weak. Walking was painful although he didn’t want to let it on.

Russ and Mac entered the warehouse from behind. Mac couldn’t shake off the thought that this was his fault and that he should be the one who was kidnapped by Codex. It beset him with the desire to finally stop Codex. But it wasn’t the right point of time to think about it. They had to make sure that Desi was safe first. Mac scanned his surroundings and mentally catalogued each item he saw which later could be of use to make a fast exit. It wasn’t much, though. A few abandoned pipes, wire and two gas tanks. That could be an easy one, he thought. They silently walked through the building until they found the door behind which they suspected to find Desi. They positioned themselves at the side of the door. Russ had his gun drawn, ready to fire away, but something felt off. Were they rushing headlong into a trap? If Russ had paid more attention to Mac, he would’ve realised that also Mac had a bad feeling about this. It was too easy, too quiet. The cold metal of the gun weighed heavy in Russ’ hands. It was now or never. Adrenaline rushed through their veins. Russ carefully pushed the door handle down signalling Mac to prepare. When the handle was down, they acted fast. Russ pushed the door open and rushed into the room, followed by Mac on his heels, who was all too willing to take it out on those bastards that kidnapped Desi. But what they found was an empty room. No, not empty. Mac spotted Desi hidden in the far corner. He didn’t think about safety when he rushed towards her and removed the gag.

“Mac, you’re here,” she exclaimed on the verge of tears. She was a tough lady, but being kidnapped in the middle of the day got her shell shocked. If Codex managed that, they were even more dangerous than they thought.

“Let’s get you out of here,” Mac replied gently squeezing her upper arm before he cut her ties. In the process he took stock of her injuries and relief washed over him when he saw that there were only a few bruises but no blood. He had to admit this scene reminded him awfully of Jack and how he found him tied to a chair. Mac really didn’t want to live through that again.

When Mac finally managed to cut Desi free, he helped her up onto her feet. She hugged him tightly. She needed to feel him. She needed him. He was far from being perfect and he was difficult at times, but he was there and always had her back. She cupped his face with her hands wanting to kiss him and to let him know that she still loved him, but he turned his head away. It didn’t feel right anymore. Her embrace and her smooth touch on his skin, her soft voice. There was too much that stood between them and a healthy relationship and he wasn’t ready to change while she couldn’t accept him. He saw the hurt in her eyes upon his reaction. The shattering pang in her heart felt worse than when they broke up the first time. This felt so damned final.

“Uh, guys, I don’t think this is a trap,” Russ dragged them out of their bubble which finally burst. He pointed at the wall in the rear of the building: “ _This is a warning_ ” stood there in red letters. Mac knew who those words were addressed to.

“Let’s head out of here,” Mac remarked for the second time of the day.

“Indeed, this is a warning, but did you believe, we’d make it that easy for you to get away?” a female voice said before the woman it belonged to stepped out of the dark corner of the room. It was Scarlett and she pointed a gun at Mac. He clenched his jaw.

“Scarlett, put that gun down,” Russ tried to deescalate the situation. No one needed a blood bath. He looked at Mac hoping he had one of his improvisations upon his sleeves. He hadn’t. Maybe he didn’t want to? Maybe this was a setup? Mac however, tried to come up with a plan. Scarlett was an important pawn in Codex chess. If they could get her into custody, maybe she was willing to cooperate. He watched Scarlett walk towards them. Instinctively he pushed Desi behind himself, to shield her with his body.

“What do you want?” Mac asked initiating a diversionary manoeuvre of which he didn’t know yet how it looked like.

“You know what we want. Your aunt told you,” she replied. So, they haven’t been alone when they sat in that diner. The sting of betrayal drove through him. Russ listened carefully to the news. It was another brick to use to at least ban Angus MacGyver from the Phoenix until this was over.

“Then put your gun down and I come with you voluntarily,” Mac replied.

“Or you put your gun down and surrender,” Russ suggested instead.

“Or I take the third option,” Scarlett said, jumped forward and took Mac into a headlock holding the gun to his head. Mac wished it was Jack who held the other gun. Jack was a good sniper and under the given circumstances he couldn’t rule out that Russ would shoot him accidently. He tried to struggle out of Scarlett’s grip which only tightened around his neck. Fighting was all about physics, right? With that thought, Mac got completely limp. This and his weight brought Scarlett falling down with him. He used the split second of surprise to crawl out of her grip while securing her wrist with a tight grip. The moment, when Scarlett sobered up and was ready to fight him, Russ was already at his side. He kicked away Scarlett’s gun into Desi’s direction and secured her hands behind her back.

“Good move,” Russ said to Mac with a grin of victory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: Jack finally finds out about all that has happened, but will it be too late? Can he stop his kid from doing something stupid? And is Mac still his kid?
> 
> Thank you for reading


	11. All Apologies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Suspense! Jack finally finds out about Codex and how his kid is affected by it. Mac meanwhile has a hard time coping with Codex having kidnapped Desi. He takes a major decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thank you for reading. Now I play a little with the season's canon, esepcially regarding Gwen's and Ellen's reasonings about Codex and their relationship to this group. (and yes, I liked the red Jeep more then his new truck ;) ). Please bear with me.

When they returned safely to the war room, Matty made a quick debrief. There wasn’t much to report. The building had been abandoned. Nobody despite Desi and Scarlett had been there. The former was back safe and sound, the latter safely turned into their custody for further interrogation. However, Desi looked beat and Jack noticed the sad longing look she would cast over to Mac, who stood in the opposite corner of the war room not taking any notice of her. He hurt her and he regretted it. He hated himself for what happened to her. He was responsible for her being kidnapped by Codex and used as bait. Luckily, without success.

“Codex will try it again and we have to be prepared,” Matty closed the debrief. She was concerned. The pressure on Mac by now had to be unbearable. She had to manoeuvre him out of the line of fire. She knew it was near to impossible. He was too involved in this business and even if it was only because he was Ellen MacGyver’s son and Gwendolyn Heyes’ nephew. She looked over to Jack, who frowned in confusion. She hadn’t had time to talk to him, yet. She hoped it wasn’t already too late, because Mac wore the same expression of determination like his father when he prepared for a single-handed mission. She prayed he wouldn’t go and try something solo. Things were complicated enough as they were.

“Did we gain any new insights?” Matty asked Russ who eyed Mac carefully. He waited for Mac to say something. He wanted to give him a chance to come clean, but Mac didn’t say a word. Why should he? Russ had listened carefully to Scarlett and it didn’t matter, who spilled the beans about his meeting with his aunt. Russ had already made up his mind. So, all which was left for him to do was to clench his fists in an attempt to channel his anger and to remain calm.

“Apparently, Mac has had a meeting with his aunt,” Russ spoke up when Mac’s posture made clear that he wouldn’t say a word. Matty sucked sharply in the air at this. This was bad news, no matter how it was interpreted.

“Is it true, Mac?” Matty asked in her scolding tone. They didn’t need this. It wasn’t a good sign that Mac hid it from her. It didn’t help his case which slowly slipped out of her hand. She tried to cover him, but it got harder with each day and some secretive meetings with the enemy didn’t help either.

“Yes, it is true. I went for a run and we accidently met,” he explained. They didn’t need to know about the diner. It would make matters only worse for him.

“Accidently? Serious? You collude with the enemy!” Russ finally phrased a hard accusation that lingered in the air for a while now and now it was out on the table. Matty didn’t like it and most importantly, she had a hard time believing it. But from an objective perspective, Russ had a point. Mac was about to manoeuvre himself into a mess from which he would never get out.

“I’m not!” Mac yelled finally losing his temper. He stepped towards Russ, who walked towards Mac, both like bulls in the heat of fighting over the territory.

“C’mon Mac, she’s your aunt, your only family left. Now just admit it already,” Russ rubbed in the painful truth fully aware that he was hitting a sore spot – a fresh wound. But he wanted to get an honest reaction – he wanted to get the truth. Jack didn’t like how the debrief turned into a cockfight and he didn’t like what Russ words implied and what he disliked the least was that Russ intended to hurt Mac with his accusations. Mac a traitor? Thornton and Nikki proved that one could never rule it out, but Mac? Have those three years changed him that much?

“What is there to admit? That from a pure scientific point of view, Codex is right, whether we like it or not? And anyway, why don’t you start talking? Because when it comes to Codex, you’re becoming a little emotional, don’t you?” Mac now stood face to face with Russ. Jack was appalled. It would be the first time Mac threw the first punch, because he was so awfully angry, but everybody saw that it was within the scope of the possible.

“Matty, we should take Mac off this case. Maybe we should consider security custody,” Russ suggested and Matty countered with a harsh "No". At this point Mac surely would have lost it, if not a familiar pair of strong hands grabbed him from behind by his shoulders and guided him slowly back into his corner. Jack was worried. He’s never seen Mac being so angry. He felt Mac’s tense muscles under his hands and the tremors of tension that ran through his kid’s body. It was that moment in which both – Mac and Jack – realised that Mac had truly changed. Mac had lost his innocence. The lanky, witty sunny boy became a tough, but rough man with dark tendencies. However, they also realised that Jack still could do the trick. He didn’t wipe away Mac’s anger, but boiled it down to a manageable degree.

And then it was Bozer’s turn to speak up to Russ: “What is it between you and Mac? Since the whole Codex debacle, you’re seeking for reasons to get rid of him. What did he do to you?” And there it was, the wedge that Mac drove through the team. Riley remained silent. She loved her job. But Mac was like a brother for her who had saved her life more often than she cared to count. it was messy. So she tried to stay out of the argument.

“You’re all dismissed for the day,” Matty closed the discussion fully aware that the fraction which now threatened to go through the team was dangerous. The team turned around to leave. Mac’s head hung low to hide away from any sort of attention. He has had attracted enough of that the last couple of minutes.

“I’ll go and interrogate Scarlett,” Russ then claimed the right of the interrogator for himself, which got Mac’s attention and he turned around sharply, but got no chance to react as Matty put her foot down once more when she ordered in a clipped tone: “No, you won’t. Mac and you are emotionally compromised. I’ll take care of Scarlett.”

Russ huffed in annoyance, but let it go. Mac nodded with relief. He trusted Matty to keep her objectivity on the case. It didn’t help to calm his fury over Russ, though. On his way out, he walked past Jack. He didn’t acknowledge him, because he was embarrassed that he lost it like that. Despite their first meeting back in the sandbox, Jack had never seen him like that. Mac feared what Jack now came to think of him. He couldn’t know that his outburst fired Jack’s urge to pull his kid close and find out what the hell went wrong during all those three years. So, he called after Mac: “Mac, wait!” Jack was about to limp-jog after his kid, but was stopped by Matty’s firm grip on his forearm and her concerned face.

“Jack, we need to talk,” she said.

“No Matty, not now. I have to take care of Mac first,” Jack replied with increasing nervousness when he lost Mac out of his sight.

“Jack, we need to talk first so you know what and whom to take care of,” Matty said in a stern voice, which alerted Jack and made her wish once again it wasn’t too late for this conversation.

And then they talked. Matty told him about file 47 and Codex. She told him about Mac’s aunt and Mac’s mother, her ideas and fears. It was the moment in which Jack concluded that the MacGyvers were an awfully crazy lot. Genius and madness are close together. But Jack also worried, because how was his kid supposed to cope with the fact that his mother had not died a natural death, but was killed by an agency because of some dubious save the earth plans? He had been lied to nearly his entire life while everybody else around him knew the truth.

Then Matty also told Jack about Mac’s father, who despite being terminally ill, sacrificed his life for his son and tried to keep Mac’s memory of a loving and caring mother alive. It caused Jack to feel a strange sort of lucky sadness. Sad, because how was his kid ever to get over the fact that his father died because of him? Sure, they both didn’t get along well, but losing one’s father after he was found only a short time ago had to be shattering. But Jack felt lucky, because James MacGyver – Oversight – saved his kid and maybe for once acted like a loving father.

Matty went on telling Jack about the Merchant and Mac’s trip into his own head. At this, Jack got angry. A "Are you nuts?" errupted from his lips, because Matty should have known better and that letting Mac wander around in his own head was a dangerous thing. And now they played surprised by Mac’s behaviour? Matty also told him that the scientist that Mac was, could somehow relate to Codex' theories and by then Jack understood what Mac meant with the word ‘trouble’ when they talked about the essay. So much had gone wrong and they failed across the board. Now, Mac had to take the brunt of it, Jack thought. With odd satisfaction Matty watched Jack’s emotion display in his eyes while she talked to him. It was a clear sign that Jack still felt the same for Mac: the need to protect and care. Sometimes sheeven would come to ask herself whether Jack nurish some sort of fatherly love for his kid. She had no answer to this, but Jack still would take care of Mac and was determined to help him. That was good. The other question was, whether Mac would let him and whether it could all happen in time.

Finally, Matty went into her observations on what went on between Mac and Russ. She had the impression that Codex hit too close to home on both sides. But while the reason on Mac’s side was obvious, she had no clue what it was on Russ’ side. She suspected some personal involvement, but couldn’t tell with certainty. She tried to dig deeper into this matter, but didn’t find a hint. Jack asked her to dig deeper then, which was rewarded with a scoff and a "What do you think, I’m doing?". She closed her monologues with the hint that Mac and Desi were maintaining a rocky relationship, which maddened Jack. After Nikki he thought Mac knew better than to cop off with a colleague. Matty chuckled, because Jack could sometimes be awfully old-fashioned and was convinced that Mac was in for the flowers and the bees talk. He would be embarrassed out of his skin, but that might take his mind off other things. At the end she told Jack that she still trusted Mac, but was afraid that this didn't apply to the whole team.

Meanwhile, Mac leant against a rough brick wall of a warehouse. He was waiting. He was determined to put a stop to this. Desi might not be his girlfriend anymore, but she still was part of the family. Codex went too far with this. It wasn’t Desi’s business. It wasn’t a Phoenix business. It was his family’s business and he was responsible for it. He was the reason for what happened to Desi and who knew whom they would take next time? Riley or Bozer? He would be responsible for that, too. He watched the horizon. The sun set behind the skyscrapers. Soon, it would be dark. The perfect time for a surprise visit at his aunt’s. He watched her approach from the parking area. She spotted him immediately and knew what this was about. She had heard about what happened and from afar she could see that Mac took it as declaration of war. She didn’t go along with Codex’ methods of convincing people, but she was too deeply involved as to just turn around and leave the group behind unscathed. This was her lot and she accepted it while savouring every minute it gave her with her nephew, who watched her carefully. He wasn’t sure whether she was alone. He once more scanned his surroundings, checking whether maybe someone from the Phoenix had followed him, but there was nobody. And they knew where he was anyhow. At least one of them did.

“How did you find me?” Gwen asked Angus.

“You’re not the only family member with a history as spy”, he told her and went on: “Listen, this has to stop. Kidnapping Desi crossed a line.” He felt that she understood, because he was well aware that she didn’t go along with Codex’ methods – not anymore. Not after she had sobered up and realised what Codex was about – what it was really about. She was terrified by the subtle threatening undertone in his voice, though.

“I know, but it’s out of my hands. But you Angus, you can stop them,” she pleaded. He was the only chance to stop Codex. That was why she reached out to him. When she joined Codex, she was blinded by her idealism. She wanted to save the earth and Codex provided that to her. To what costs, was something she only understood later, when it was too late to turn around and leave. Now all her hopes rested on Angus, who still trusted her while hoping he wasn’t misled by his deep-rooted desire to finally find his own family. He could be jumping headlong into a scam. He looked at her. His jaw clenched and unclenched. He had to make a decision right then and right there. But did he really have to? Didn’t he made it already the second the video played on his mobile?

“How?” he simply asked.

“Proof. Give them a proof,” Gwen said taking her nephew’s hands. A faint tremor went through his hands as result of the tension. She wished it would be over soon, because she wanted nothing more but wrap Angus into her arms and rock him back and forth while whispering soothing nonsense, all so he would know that there was still someone out there who truly loved him. And he would accept her embrace and believe her, but it wasn’t the right time for that. They were caught up in the middle of a fight each belonging to the other’s opponent. They conspired with the enemy and what for? To save a world - a planet which couldn’t be saved anymore? Doomed to die, as they were. Morituri te salutant.

Mac was about to leave, but then stopped and turned around. Nobody knew whether they would get out of it alive and that he could live with, but he needed certainty on one thing, before he could go rest in peace:

“How did she die?” he asked his aunt, “My Mom, what happened to her?” he asked and looked into her eyes veiled with a sudden sadness the memory of Ellen used to cause.

“She didn’t die of cancer as your father used to tell you. She was shot by an agent. I told you already,” she replied supressing a sob. She didn’t want to get into the detail. Not now. She didn’t want him to lose his trust and his faith. She didn’t know that he had lost his trust and faith in those she referred to a while ago. He had to focus on the task at hand and he would need help with that – help, which she couldn’t provide, but her opponent could. Her lips would be sealed until it was over.

“Yeah, I know. I did a little research and what I found suggests that there was a little more to it. It was one of those bigger missions, so please tell me what happened,” he went on and it was hard for her to not talk about it, because he deserved the truth, but she was convinced it would send him spiralling and that would endanger their mission to stop Codex. She decided to give him as much as the current circumstances allowed her to: “It was. Codex operates a global network and carries out attacks all over the globe. So, the CIA is or was not the only agency involved. The CNI, the BND, the MI6, the CIA and a few others bundled their resources to land a major strike against Codex. And they did,” she confirmed what he had assumed.

“Gwen, what is it that you’re not telling me?” pleaded with her when he sensed that she was holding back something.

“Angus, let us talk about this, when it is over. I promise, I’ll tell you everything, but not now,” she asked him to drop the issue for now and he did, although both knew he might never get the full truth. Not if they didn’t make it out of this alive. They timing for a family reunion and the truth couldn’t have been any worse.

After his conversation with Matty, Jack couldn’t tell how or what he felt. It was so confusing. He felt sad for Mac because of his losses and the painful revelations. But he also felt so angry, because how could Mac be so awfully stupid at times? But then the worry outweighed his anger, because there was yet another bunch of sickos after his kid and Mac lacked the necessary support in his team to fight against them. Jack saw a rip go through the team. There were those who stood behind Mac and those who blocked him. The war room had become a war zone. He had to help Mac. He should have been there for his kid. Maybe he could have intervened before it turned out so wrong. 

On his way out, he met Desi. She looked beat. She approached him and Jack didn’t know how to react.

“You talked to Matty?” she asked rhetorically. She anticipated that Jack wouldn’t take it well that she and Mac had been together. He nodded tight lipped, not yet in the mood to talk to her about this sensitive topic.

“And?” she asked anyway. Better get it over with. Jack saw the shy little girl she was, insecure about herself and her actions.

“And what, Desi?” Jack snapped overwhelmed by everything he just had gotten to know. And he went on: “What do you want to hear? That I’m disappointed or that I absolve you from what you did?”

“Maybe both?” she suggested. She had known from the very beginning that Jack wouldn’t approve a relationship between her and Mac. But she couldn’t stop herself, though. Mac conveyed a sense of security, which she had longed for her entire life.

“Damn it, Desi! You were supposed to protect him, not to fuck him,” Jack yelled at her in frustration.

“He’s still in one piece, isn’t he? And anyway, it needs two to fuck,” she fired back.

“Seriously, Desi. You and Mac? That’s not a healthy match, for neither of you,” Jack replied now calmer, but meaning it. Despite her toughness on the outside, Desi was a very sensitive and fragile girl on the inside. Jack knew Desi and she did know that. He had seen the girl that wished for nothing more but an own family to love and take care of. And he had seen her shatter over the realisation that she couldn’t be any further away from that. And Jack also knew that Mac wasn’t the right person to take care of that girl, because the baggage he carried was already too much as if he could shoulder the girl Desi was. Desi knew that Jack was right. Being with Mac had felt odd from the very beginning, but it also felt good. She felt safe around him and well protected. Jack understood what led Desi into Mac’s arms, but just like Desi, Mac possessed a fragile core which he hid and protected from everyone. Even Jack only saw a glimpse of it on a few very rare occasions.

“Jack, it’s over, so nothing to worry about and as I’ve said, it takes two,” she made her point. Jack’s feature softened. He wasn’t mad at her and she was relieved.

“No worries, he’ll get an earful and if he doesn’t listen, he’ll have to listen to the whole the flowers and the bees talk,” Jack replied and both chuckled imagining Mac and his ears turning red with embarrassment.

With that said, Jack drove to Mac’s house. They needed to talk, a lot. This was going to be a long night for both of them, but these things needed to get out in the air. He parked his beloved GTO, which Riley had thankfully taken care of, and went to the door. It was, as usually, unlocked, but something was off. The atmosphere was stealth and clandestine. There were no signs of a fight or an intruder.

“Hey Mac! How often do I need to tell you ‘never fuck the company’? Seriously, didn’t you learn anything?” he hollered through the house and on his way to Mac whom he suspected to be in his bedroom, since the doors to the deck were closed. He found Mac zipping his go bag.

“Mac, what are you up to?” Jack asked while all his nerves tingled with bad premonition. There was a storm coming up.

“Something very stupid,” Mac whispered taking the bag in his hand allowing himself to look into Jack’s eyes for a few seconds. It was probably the last time he saw them like that: gentle, concerned for his well-being. Mac sometimes thought that maybe this was how the eyes of a caring and loving father looked like, but he couldn’t tell with certainty. His father’s eyes never carried that expression.

“Mac, you’re scaring me here,” Jack said calmly. He wanted to reach out to his kid, but something in Mac’s demeanour prohibited it. Mac’s body language was screaming at him to back off.

“I’m sorry Jack,” Mac said before he strode past Jack. And Mac was sorry. Jack saw the sadness, the fear and the sincere apology all at once in his kid’s eyes, so soft and innocent.

“Mac, wait! Let’s talk this through,” he turned around only to now meet the steel cold eyes of a man, who had made a decision and would follow suit without looking back and no matter the costs.

“Don’t Jack. And don’t follow me,” Mac said and then was out the door. Jack followed him, but was slowed down by his leg. He ignored the burning pain shooting through his calve from the unfamiliar exertion. He watched Mac’s red Jeep speed away. He hurried to his car. His GTO had more power. He could catch up to Mac, but he found the tyres sliced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: The answer to the question as of whether Jack finds a way to stop his kid.


	12. Días de Borrasca

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack finds out what Mac was up to and he has a hard time to believe it. He jumps into protection mode, but will he be heard? Meanwhile, Russ instrumentalises a chaotic situation for his own purposes while Mac's jumping head first into a mess he might never be able to resolve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. I'm still playing with the canon by using snippets and pieces which I will enrich with some h/c, suspense and whump.

He stood in the dark interrogation room facing Scarlett. Her haze screamed murder. He tried to remain calm. If she agreed, there was no way back. Please forgive me for this, Mac muttered inaudibly under his breath, while he and Scarlett kept staring at each other, neither of them willing to make the first move.

“Listen, here’s the deal,” Mac then started, “You’ll take me to Codex and I’ll get you out of here,” he put the offer on the table. Scarlett’s expression didn’t give away what she thought. She had a tough poker face.

“Why would I do that?” she asked him. Mac stepped forward and covered her hands with his. Hers were tied to the table with handcuffs. She was an experienced soldier, but her hands were still smaller than his. He covered them completely with his.

“You want to get back to your little sister. Jenny, was it? You want to protect her and I’m the only option you have,” Mac replied taking his hands off hers that were now uncuffed. Now she looked stunned at Mac while rubbing her sore wrists. It did the trick. It did when he met Riley the first time and it worked now. It was simple negotiation tactics. If you wanted something, you had to offer something in return and prove that you could actually provide it. A sign of good faith, so to speak. Usually, you got back more than you asked for.

“Why the sudden change of mind?” Scarlett asked him. The wariness was back. He had to work hard to convince her of the honesty of his actions.

“Who said that it was sudden?” he retorted smugly. No need to get into a deep conversation with her. He had to safe this speech for the head of Codex. He was content that they would ask him the same question.

“Fair enough. So how did you plan to get me out?” that was the tricky part. He had opted for a less stealth, but rather spectacular escape hoping it would suit its purpose. It was a now or never thing. He put everything at stake. The chances that he would get out unscathed were low and if they caught him, they would probably throw him in the darkest and most hidden cell they could find and throw away the keys. He was Nero, but in sound mind. It was the only option he had.

“You follow me. Nobody gets hurt and we get out. Understood?”

“MacGyver the pacifist. You know about Codex plan, do you?”

“That’s something to think about later.”

Russ watched the scene on the screen of the war room. He watched how Mac and Scarlett walked out of the interrogation room. Mac didn’t even try to hide, because Russ was supposed to see what happened. Mac had a plan. Unfortunately, whether it worked out depended on how his former team members reacted to this. He tried to anticipated their reactions as best as he could, but they were human beings which made them unpredictable to a certain level. He had taken a very high risk with this action, which probably would not even pay off.

This obvious attack on the Phoenix enraged Russ. For him, this was the arrogance of a young genius as consequence of his self-conceit, because he outmatched everyone with his intelligence. Russ couldn’t be any further away with this assumption. He has never met the insecure genius. These glimpses were reserved to Jack whom Russ barely knew. Russ didn’t presume a plan behind this action, because he was convinced of Mac’s conspiration with the enemy and thus had seen it coming a long time ago. Now he had to decide between stopping Angus or letting him go. He wanted to stop Codex and destroy its global network. His chances to accomplish this were higher if he let Angus go. This boy was his ticket to eradicate Codex. He couldn’t escape from Russ anyway. He was aware that his plans could also harm Angus. But that was collateral damage or a necessary evil. The MacGyvers never knew when to stop. Insofar, Angus was not much different from his parents. Russ didn’t know that Mac anticipated his reaction, because Mac had gathered enough information to draw his own conclusions on Russ’ obsession with Codex. Nevertheless, to make it all a little less obvious, Russ set off the alarm which would activate the TAC team on duty. It would cause a hell of a chaos and all attention would be focused on the fugitives. This way he would evade any uncomfortable questions on why he didn’t stop them.

Russ walked down the corridor. He wanted to stop the fugitives together with the TAC team. At least he wanted to generate that impression. He drew his gun pretending to be ready to shoot. He met Desi who had her gun drawn, too.

“What’s going on?” she asked him.

“It’s Angus. He’s helping Scarlett to escape,” he replied. Desi had a hard time believing it. During the whole time, she had been hoping that Russ’ suspicions were wrong. But now Mac proved that he had been right and that she fell for Mac’s scam. Russ watched how Desi grew angry and with satisfaction he noticed that he had convinced her of his suspicion. This was a good thing. He needed someone in his corner, who would follow him without asking too many questions.

Mac and Scarlett rushed through the corridors. It was only a matter of time until they met the TAC team on duty. He tossed an oxygen mask over to Scarlett. She met him with a bewildered look.

“The fire protection system. It suctions the oxygen out of the air to smother the fire,” he explained to her. It had to be convincing after all. When they rushed around the corner, they met the TAC team,´which was led by Russ and Desi.

“Mac, how could you?” Desi asked him in disbelief. She felt betrayed and she had a hard time dealing with that feeling. How could she have been so awfully mistaken about Mac? He had held up her hopes which were no crushed. She would never forgive him this violation of her trust.

“Angus, if you stop here, we can find a solution we can all live with,” Russ tried and half-hearted attempt to stop Angus. Of course, it always bore the risk that Angus might sober up and realise that he was doing something wrong. But Russ counted on the MacGyver-ish stubbornness. He wouldn’t give up. Not now, never. And Mac didn’t, because his plan told him otherwise. And he replied: “It’s too late for that.” He then lit the Bengal fire and held it close to the fire alarm activating the fire protection system.

“Mac, please,” Desi pleaded before the lack of oxygen drained her body of all energy. Mac watched her growing weaker with each passing second and it hurt him. But he needed a proof and this was the less harmful possibility to get one. It might even be not enough to convince Codex and then? He had no time to think about it. Russ didn’t fight the fatigue setting in while more and more oxygen was suctioned out of the air. Angus was even smarter than he thought. This was the last he had counted on. Mac watched Desi collapse into an unconscious heap and it tore his heart apart. He knew that this would happen. It had been the plan. Seeing what he did to her hurt, though. He wanted to tell her that everything was going to be alright, but he had to refrain from that. He had accepted the possibility that he would never get a chance to explain himself and to be understood. He watched the rest of the TAC team and eventually Russ collapse. In a swift motion Mac went over to him and took the gun from his hand replacing it with a note. This would be his other proof, because if his plan and his security net failed, Mac was determined not to be the only one going down with Codex. The note said: 11 01 1971 B2 13 06 1988. Hope dies last.

When Jack arrived at the Phoenix building, Mac and Scarlett were gone, but the chaos their escape caused was still raging. He didn’t know then that Mac was the one who caused it. That was why in sheer panic he ran into the war room, where everybody else had already gathered with their gazes transfixed on the big screen. His heart stopped, when he saw Mac’s picture on it with the word ‘defected’ flashing in red letters at him. He shook his head. It couldn’t be true. He looked over to Riley who had tears in her eyes and fidgeted nervously with the hem of her top. Bozer looked shocked and constantly mumbled “no, no, no” all over again. Russ’ and Desi’s faces were turned into stone and Matty had regained control.

“Matty, what’s going on here?” Jack blurted not getting why his kid stared back at him from the screen on which they usually would find pictures of the bad guys threatening the end of the world. This was all wrong.

“MacGyver’s gone rogue,” Matty finally announced and the blood in Jack’s veins froze. This had to be a nightmare. Jack was reeling to find a logic explanation while Russ was satisfied with the turn things took. He got the chance he had been seeking for since Codex had taken down his team. He was so close to destroy Codex and everyone involved. He would root them out with blunt force and take revenge on those who died through their actions. He finally got a chance to finish what had started twenty-five years ago. He should be grateful to Angus MacGyver for having turned against them.

“Matty, that has to be a mistake,” Jack couldn’t hold back. They were talking about Mac – his kid. He was the last person, who would turn his back on them. At least not without a reason. This was all so wrong. Jack was reeling to find a reasonable explanation to this mess. And at the same time, he had trouble to grasp what trouble his kid had gotten himself into with this. Mac could impossibly be that stupid. Or was this an act of desperation after nobody really took the time to listen and reached out with a supporting hand to his struggling kid? 

“I’m sorry Jack, but this is without a doubt,” Matty said apologetically as she replayed the video of Mac’s and Scarlett’s escape. It was hard to accept and she didn’t give up hope that maybe Jack was right. She wished Jack was right. She couldn’t take any risks, though and from and outsider’s perspective it looked like it said on the screen – that Angus MacGyver defected.

“No Matty. I’m sure this is all staged. Mac would never do something like this. He could never support Codex!” Jack replied despaired. He understood that Mac couldn’t dismiss Codex’ theories. He was a scientist driven by rationality and logic. Of course, he would agree that Codex had a point. But he would never go as far as killing billions of innocent people. He was still his kid. Mac was not a killer. That was what Jack clung to. But what if that had changed, a silent but nasty voice in the back of his mind asked. It’s been three years. That was a long time that was filled with far-reaching events. Jack could hardly assess how they really affected Mac since he has had no real chance to talk to him.

“I’m sorry, Dalton, but the facts speak for themselves,” Russ said sternly. No, they didn’t, Jack thought while remembering that his kid had been honest with him when they talked briefly about his aunt’s essay. Mac didn’t try to play it down.

“No, they don’t. Mac’s not a cold yielding killer. I’m sure he has a plan. Guys, think about it. It’s Mac. He’s family. He would never hurt anyone of us,” Jack tried to make the blind see while pleading for Mac’s case.

“I think, we all agree that Angus has changed. He’s not the boy he’s been when you left, Dalton. He turned dark and he’s ready to kill. He proved it with Kovacs,” Russ retorted.

“These were exceptional circumstances…” Jack jumped into defending his kid’s actions, but was stopped by Matty who still hadn’t made up her mind. The only person who could tell them what was actually behind all this had joined the enemy and the idea that maybe he really had switched the sides broke her heart. This screamed failure into all their faces.

“We have to find Mac first. That’s our priority,” She ordered and then saw a red dot on a map appear on the screen. She frowned. Not knowing what this was supposed to mean, when Russ admitted: “That’s taken care of. I took the opportunity and I had him implanted with a GPS chip when he was in medical. Without him kowing, of course. This way, he’ll lead us straight to the centre of Codex’ actions.”

“You did what?” Bozer exclaimed with bewilderment that Jack and Matty felt the second Russ admitted to what he had done. Jack got the feeling that this was a setup and that this Taylor guy used Mac as an expandable bait. He straightened to his full height and looked Taylor directly into his eyes before asking: “Do you have anything to do with this?”.

“I saw this coming and took my chances,” Russ simply replied. Matty didn’t know what to say. She didn’t like what Russ did, but it could be to Mac’s favour as well. She exchanged looks with Jack. Both knew it was impossible that Mac didn’t know about the chip. This was the life line they clung to, because if he did know about it, things had to be interpreted differently. But for now, she had to do what had to be done.

The war room was thick with tension. Russ wanted Jack to leave, who wanted nothing more but to kill Russ. He wasn’t a member of the Phoenix anymore and he had to stay put. But Russ tolerated Jack’s presence knowing well if he threw Jack out of the building the team would fall apart. It would be the last stroke to the wedge Mac caused to rip through the team. Matty tried her best to remain objective. Most facts spoke against Mac. Nevertheless, to her it felt impossible that Mac defected. Their gazes were transfixed on the red spot on the screen which at some point stopped moving. She ordered Riley to check where this location was. Russ and Desi would check whether it was the compound from which Codex was suspected to organise their attacks. Bozer was ordered to develop a movement profile on Mac. This might give away some clues on a presumed plan. She then ordered Riley to intercept all signals the chip sent. Russ informed her that the chip was a mere GPS chip, but Matty suspected Mac having it manipulated if he knew about it. This thought sparked a fear. If Mac really defected, he could use the chip to lure them into a trap. She had to be prepared for that, too. She looked over to Jack who was at a loss and now alone with her in the war room. He was afraid, too. Mac had become dark. It frightened him. He was terrified to find out what this darkness led his kid to do, what stupid risks he was willing to take for the sake of some dumb suicide squad. He had just gotten his kid back and now was about to lose him again. It was unbearable.

“Believe me Matty. I think Mac’s doing something very, very stupid and I don’t want to justify his actions. In fact, when this is over, he’s in for the longest and loudest roasting in history. But I know him – we know him. He’s not a traitor and he’s not a killer. This is nothing but a very stupid solo-mission,” he said. He trusted Mac. So did Matty, but they lacked the necessary evidence and she was responsible for all Phoenix employees and thus had to mitigate the risks.

“Jack, let’s first find Mac and then I’m sure we’ll find out what’s behind all this,” she said. Jack was so awfully hurt. How could they think that Mac would endanger them – his family.

“Matty, it’s Mac. And when there is on person I trust, it’s him,” Jack told her.

“I know Jack. I know.” What remained unspoken was that Jack simply couldn’t believe that his kid would rescue him from Kovacs and his goons only to let him die a postponed death. But what if all this was part of some sort of a twisted plan? What if Mac used Jack as a pawn in his own chess match? And Matty realised that she couldn’t rule it out with certainty. Somewhere down the road they all had lost their connection to Mac. She wanted to trust in his sincerity and loyalty, because she herself was not prepared to admit that her knowledge of human nature had left her and that the incarnate lie detector that she was had failed her. But the facts at hand only spoke one language: Mac had defected and joined the enemy – Codex.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: We will reach the climax within the next three chapters which will contain a lot of action. We'll find out how cruel someone can be and Jack has to decide, whether he's still willing and able to do everything for his kid. An easy choice? Maybe not after his worst nightmare became true?


	13. Overture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the brink of war: Codex and the Phoenix prepare for the show down in three acts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Unfortunately, this chapter turend out to be a little philisophical. Feel free to skip the respective paragraphs (at the beginning and in the middle). But this chapter also contains bits and pieces that brings us closer to the clue.

They drove past a forest. The leaves started to turn yellow, red and orange. The colours of autumn. The colours of decay. In a colourful rebellion mother nature retired and left her children to winter’s fate. Nature was rough. There was nothing romantic about it. It was about survival, prey and predator. It was an infinite cycle of death and rebirth, of eating and being eaten. The human being, however, was incapable to adapt to this cycle. He tried to break it in the mistaken belief he could conquer nature. And what did nature do? She defended herself in the form of global warming, droughts and floods, famine and pandemics. From an ecological and evolutionary-biological point of view, there was nothing wrong with it. Darwin’s principle of adaption still applied and it determined who survived and who was faced to extinction. Survival of the fittest. But was it fair? Was it fair that those who had no means to fend off mother nature’s counter actions bore all the consequences, which the rich, the voracious, the economists and the predators once initiated and were now reluctant to stop, because they were too afraid of losing their ‘benefices’? Was it right to let those who had no means to initiate a change die because of what the top ten percent once set off? Weren’t these top ten percent the actual enemy that had to be conquered? Was it possible that his mother favoured a solution, which killed the innocents that were already fighting for their right to exist instead to get to the root cause of the problem? His father had said "no" and that his mother didn’t know about Codex’ plans. But there were remaining doubts. File 47, Codex. It all tainted the memories he had of his mother. Thinking about her no longer caused the sad longing, but made him ask how she could possibly have supported such a plan. How could she possibly go so far? The memory of his mom was now filled with dread. It always had made his heart feel heavy, but now it was a different heaviness. It was an obscure heaviness not only caused by the emotional, but suppressed pain. Now his heart was filled with doubt and fear, when he remembered his mom. And it felt wrong. He felt bad about it, about his doubts. He felt like he was betraying her and her memory, but he couldn’t switch it off. A seed was sown. It started to grow and like ivy it wrapped around his heart and fed on the fear and the sadness he carried in there. Soon enough it would have wrapped all around his heart and would suck it out until nothing was left, but meagre remains of what it once had been.

They reached a seemingly new and huge log cabin. This must be it, Mac thought when Scarlett got out of the car. A blond girl ran towards her and she scooped her up. Her sister, Mac assumed. He watched Scarlett affectionately caressing through her sister’s hair. She didn’t lie when it came to her feelings for her sister. Her gestures carried so much love. It made Mac rethink. Was Codex really the enemy? He saw his aunt stepping out of the cabin. He got out of the car and walked towards her. Gwen was accompanied by two black clad guards – Codex soldiers. They watched her closely. It felt as if someone suspected something. However, when she spotted Angus, she couldn’t suppress the genuine smile that formed around her mouth and reached her eyes. She walked towards him and finally wrapped him into an embrace, which he returned and of which both wished it would be under different circumstances. It was probably the last hug. They were both traitors and would have to bear the consequences and they were ready to do it.

Gwen led Mac inside the log cabin. They searched him for potential weapons or bugging devices. There were none. The metal detector didn’t react to magnesium. They entered an elevator still in the company of the two guards. A bad premonition ran through him and settled down in the pit of his stomach. What if they sensed what he was about to do?

When the doors of the elevator opened, he was stunned at the sight in front of him. An underground city. Despite the missing sky, nobody could tell that it was an underground city, because it looked so normal. Streets filled with cars, crowded pavements, cafés and diners. It was amazing. Gwen felt pride swell in her chest when she watched Angus’ reaction. She had planned this whole city and she had been in charge when it was constructed. This was her baby. She designed it, developed the mechanics of an autarky village. But Mac also realised that whatever Codex planned, it would make the earth inhabitable. Why else the need for such a city? He assumed something nuclear, but was aware that there were more means to turn the earth into a life -threatening planet.

“Are you autarkic?” Mac asked her curiously. He really wanted to get to know how such a city could be run without the modern conveniences which were available to vast extent on earth like electricity, water treatment but also agriculture.

“We are. I’ll show you later,” his aunt told him, but then fell into the MacGyver trademark lengthy explanations, which got Mac totally absorbed and would have Jack riled up out of his skull. They used artificial UV-lights to grow plants and generate food. Waste and sewage were used to supply the city with necessary heat, which also powered generators to provide electricity. Water, however was difficult. She explained to him the complex system of water treatment to retain potable water. At some point, however they would need fresh water. It was difficult to install new water reservoirs if the earth was contaminated and toxics seeped into the underground water. A complicated and even more complex filter system of activated carbon filters would be needed. Gwen was genuinely thrilled to hear what her nephew would say to her city. She looked forward to discuss possible filter systems with him. She looked forward to a few hours of normality before hell broke loose. They couldn’t wait to have a through scientific discussion. They both lacked an equal counterpart to throw ideas back and forth with. But first, Mac would have to meet their leader – Leland. He would decide whether Angus was friend or enemy.

The two guards led Mac to the man, who called himself the head of Codex and appeared to be an old and physically weak creature. Mac couldn’t, however, deny that it was impressive that this inconspicuous man managed to gather the masses around him. Masses that followed him unconditionally. Psychologically, this man had to be a master-mind.

“Angus MacGyver, finally you’re here and ready to take over your mother’s heritage,” the man started and Mac’s assumption was confirmed. This man knew how to choose his words. But Mac also was immune against this sort of manipulation. He would withstand, no matter how hard it was.

“The question is, are you worth it?” the man went on and his words stung. Mac found himself willing to do everything to be worth it – worth to take over his mother’s heritage. This urge subsided when Mac remembered that his mother wanted to save the planet, but would have been reluctant to kill for this goal. That was just impossible. And even though everyone tried to make him believe it, he believed it wasn't true, because he got to know his father and he was content that his father would have never supported such an idea, but stopped it. She had initiated the fight for the preservation of the planet earth as a basis for life, but she would have never accepted Codex' solution to that problem. That was not her heritage, but the pursuit of power by one single man.

“You know, this here is not only about saving the planet,” Leland went on while Mac thought to himself that this underground city was solid evidence that it was rather about destroying the planet than saving it. “This is also about mankind. This here is about raising man kind to the next higher level, to take another step on the evolutionary ladder. Unfortunately, not everybody is suitable for this. We have to choose carefully, who’s worth to be part of the gene pool and who’s not. Unfortunately, your father got in the way of our cause. He was a good man. Very capable and talented, but he paid with his life. That’s sad. He was a visionary with the means to implement his visions. Your mother, she sacrificed herself for us. But we can overcome both losses, because now you’re here. You have the skillset of both of them. That makes you very valuable for us, but are you worth it?” Leland asked. Mac felt the bile rise to his throat. He swallowed dryly. The words got under his skin, but probably not to the effect Leland tried to trigger. Mac grew angry – angrier as ever. He was no material of high biological value. His parents never had devoted themselves for theories of superraces and Übermenschen. Mac wished Jack was there to tell him not to listen to that bullshit. But he wasn’t and probably would never be again. Mac didn’t expect him to come back when this was over. He didn’t expect him to understand him. He made the decision and he had to bear the consequences.

“I always imagined how it would be, finally meeting you, but how can I be sure that you’re here to support us like your mother did and not to cross our plans like your father did? But this is a risk I’m willing to take. And now go to your aunt. She’ll introduce you to our plans. I’m curious to hear what you have to say about them,” Leland ended his monologue and the two guards led Mac back to his aunt, who explained Codex’ crazy plans to him hoping he would have an idea to stop them.

They planned to trigger a volcanic eruption in the Yellow Stone National Park. The volcanic ashes would enter the atmosphere and the sun’s rays wouldn’t be able to get through to earth. The consequences of that were disastrous. Well, at least if the plan worked out the way Codex thought it would. However, even the realistic consequences were dire enough. Mac looked at his aunt. They needed time. The plan was to be implemented the next day. That was not enough to stop Codex – to stop Leland. Mac assumed that the Phoenix by now knew where he was and that they were planning a strike against Codex.

They did. Russ’ obsession to eliminate Codex didn’t allow him to wait, but told him to take the chance at hand and launch a major strike. Mac wished he knew what Phoenix plans were, but he had cut all connections to them – had to, if he wanted to convince Codex of his intentions. He was flying blind and there was this tiny little chance that he was mistaken about Russ and that he would do nothing at all. He’d be fucked then. He was fucked now already, but then things would be even worse, if that was even possible on his personal scale measuring his fuck-ups. Mac shoved that idea aside and took a closer look at the plans. Maybe he could win some time. The magma chamber of the targeted volcano was small. The pressure would be high, but the amount of volcanic ashes probably not sufficient to reach Leland’s goal to cover the atmosphere in a veil of particles blocking the sun. They needed to cover a wider area by triggering several eruptions including Hawaii, Japan, the Philippines, Italy and Iceland – the biggest and most active volcanos.

“This will delay our plan for at least a week,” Gwen concluded. His explanation wasn’t too far-fetched. She herself had indicated the risk of failure when focusing only on one volcano to Leland.

“Are you sure this will work out?” Gwen looked at Angus. This was their only shot and it depended on a third party to actually react to her nephew’s defection, while he had lost the contact to that base.

“Do you trust me?” Mac asked her seeing the doubt in her face. He felt it himself, but he forced himself into the belief that he wasn’t misled by Russ’ determination to strike against Codex. This was some personal business for him, too. And although Mac didn’t know yet what it was, he saw it was a strong trigger, because Russ was seeking revenge. He sought revenge for what Codex did to his team and he sought to finish a business he should’ve finished twenty-five years ago. Only Mac didn’t know about that particular detail and Russ wished he would never find out about it. But he was not stupid. He could tell that Mac had done some research and started to get his maths together.

“I do,” Gwen replied.

So did Jack, who was frantically looking for clues to Mac’s solo mission. Jack was content that Mac had left something behind that would erase any doubts regarding his loyalty. Mac would never rush headlong into such a risk without security net. Bozer helped Jack. Together they turned the house upside down to find something – anything. In the course of their search they found the files and records Mac had collected on his mother’s – Ellen MacGyver’s – case. Of course, his kid wanted to know what really happened, after so many years of being told that his mother died of cancer and then finding out that she was killed by some agent. Of course, Mac wanted to find out the truth about his mother – whether she was a terrorist ready to kill billions of innocent people. Mac had always adored his mother. She had been unattainable and now the pedestal on which he had raised her for twenty-five years was shaken and the image he had of her was in danger of shattering. Of course, he wanted certainty about what really happened.

When they didn’t find anything in Mac’s bedroom, they went to the living room. Jack’s glance fell on the record player. He looked at the disc record lying on it. It was ‘Pearl’ by Janis Joplin. Jack frowned. Mac was nerdy, but this?

“Did Mac become a feminist, or what?” he asked Bozer. Well, after meeting a girl like Desi, it was in the scope of the possible, Jack mused.

“No, I guess that has something to do with his Mom. His father told Mac how his mother used to play this record up and down and would sing along with it. I think Mac just wanted to find out more about who his mother was,” Bozer concluded. That made sense, Jack thought.

They didn’t find anything, but Jack was reluctant to give up on his kid. Heck, Mac was the most loyal person he knew. He never left him. The booby trap, Cairo, Kovacs. Mac had never run for his life when Jack didn’t follow him on his heels. Mac couldn’t have changed that much. Why was he the only one seeing that? How could this Russ Taylor guy develop plans on a major strike against Codex, which definitely endangered Mac’s life? How could Desi possibly help him with that? Russ had made clear he would show no consideration of Mac, whether he actually defected or not. Angus had made a choice and he had to bear the consequences, Russ thought.

Should it turn out in retrospect that Angus had not defected, he had at least taken a good chance, but Russ didn’t believe in this scenario, because after all Angus was Ellen MacGyver’s son. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Matty wasn’t happy either, but understood Russ’ reasoning and somehow, he was right. If Mac pulled a stunt like this, without telling anyone of them, he had to deal with the results of it.

“Damn it, kid!” Jack exhaled. He was angry. Why didn’t his kid reach out to him and talked to him? Why did his kid put him through this roller coaster of fear? Well, to say Jack was afraid was an understatement. He was terrified. What would happen to his kid when this was over? Would he even get out of this? Jack knew, Mac wasn’t the enemy, but he was the only one who saw it that clearly. Matty finally convinced Russ to wait with the strike until the next day to give Mac a chance to give them a sign.

With a fear that sat deep in his bones, Jack found himself driving to the graveyard of Mission City. He went over the wet lawn. The sun was already setting. A few remaining sun beams shed a warm comforting light on the gravestones of Ellen and James MacGyver. Jack took in the silence and fought hard against the image of a third gravestone with Mac’s name on it. He cursed the MacGyvers for the heritage they left their son. They had left him a chaotic mess and Mac was left to tidy it up risking his reputation and his life in the course of this. Jack placed a hand onto James MacGyver’s gravestone while fighting hard against the urge to kick against it - hard. After all, James MacGyver had saved Mac’s life. He was grateful for that and thus he said: “Thank you. Thank you for saving my kid,” and he meant it, “I know now it’s my turn to save him, but I really could use some advice here,” Jack expressed what Mac thought while staring at the screen displaying Codex’ global network. He played on time hoping it was enough for Phoenix to plan a counter strike. He connected with the Bluetooth function of the computer. He thought about Rick and hoped that maybe he could help Riley to cope with the tsunami that was rolling up to them. He thought about Jack and how he missed having him at his side. It hurt not to be able to tell Jack that he was sorry. It hurt not to be able to let Jack know what he meant to him. But Mac had chosen this path and he had to walk on it now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: We strike first; And we're unrehearsed; Here we go again; To stage the greatest show on heaven and earth; Come on, get your money's worth or: let the war begin. Who will win? Who will lose? The final fight in two acts.


	14. The Empire strikes first

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Russ is ready to strike. Jack tries to stop him. Does Mac's plan work out?

Jack sat in the war room. His mind was blank. They were talking about a strike against Codex – not only from the ground, but also from the air. Riley had analysed the place and surroundings they’ve located Mac at since he and Scarlett left. It turned out to be a compound which probably bore massive human and capital resources. Satellite scans showed that there was a huge armoury not only containing rifles and a few guns. No, it was by far more dangerous than that. They were talking about anti-aircraft missiles and potentially nukes. Codex was well prepared and it was now or never. Jack couldn’t believe what he heard and only thought about what his kid had gotten himself into. And then there was this painful question of whether he could have stopped Mac in time, if he just had been around? Maybe Mac would now sit together with them in this war room debating as to how to stop Codex for good, if Jack had been there to shoulder some of the burden his kid had to carry all on his own for so long. But he hasn’t been there and had now to listen to all kinds of strategies which were about to kill all people involved.

The first strike would be an air strike from the south to chase Codex to the north where ground forces would intercept them. Desi was leading the ground forces. If the air strike was accomplished, she would take over and finally lay to rest Codex. Russ assumed that this strike would hit numerous of civilians that lived in the compound as the chosen ones worth it to survive. Collateral damage. Jack didn’t like the sound of that word. Mac surely would have vetoed such a plan not speaking of stopping it entirely. But Mac wasn’t there. Mac has become the target.

“Guys, this is not a plan, but a death sentence. You’re endangering the lives of thousands innocent. You’re endangering Mac!” Jack yelled not able to hold it back any longer. Did they prove to be much better than Codex by such a strike which was about to kill people, who were no soldiers and probably even oblivious to truth behind Codex? And Matty shared Jack’s concern, but she had no other idea. The one person, who might have come up with an alternative equally effective had left and they didn’t know whether he was defected or was engaged in a stupid suicide squad. It was the threatening atmosphere in the war room which made Matty wish she had talked to Jack earlier. It had been too late.

“We don’t have any other option and Mac endangered himself the very second that he joined Codex,” Russ replied earning Bozer’s death glare, who then countered, “Who's to say you didn't drive him to that action? I mean the GPS chip, who knows what else you planned behind our backs?”

The air in the war room was highly explosive. The wedge had finally managed to break the team apart, split it in two camps that drifted towards each other like tectonic plates threatening with an earthquake. Russ wanted to ban Jack Dalton from the war room. Matty had vetoed him, since this was no longer about Codex, but Mac and if one person could talk any sense into this guy and get to the core of this whole mess, it was Jack. And hell, Matty knew that Mac would need Jack when this was over. Despite this, Matty and Jack knew that Jack wouldn’t leave until he got the answers he was looking for. Jack wouldn’t leave until his kid looked into his eyes and told him that he had switched sides. He wouldn’t leave until his kid told him straight to the face that he gave shit about what happened to him and their ‘family’ if Codex got its way. Unless that happened, Jack would stay by his kid’s side and do his outmost to save him from greater harm. He had promised it once and he had been close to breaking this promise. He wouldn’t risk breaking it again.

“Guys, stop it. Jack, I know it hurts and God knows this is not easy for me, but we don’t have another option. Codex is preparing for their strike. There is so much activity around L.A, in Hawaii, Italy and even Iceland. If we wait, we’ll risk that they make the first move and since we don’t exactly know what it will be, we have to get ahead of them,” Matty had a hard time to retain her objectivity. Like Jack she didn’t want to believe in Mac’s defection, but they had to prepare for the worst.

“Mac’s buying time!” Jack countered remembering a mission in which Mac had done just that. He convinced the US Forces that they needed to prepare more troops to strike from several sides. He had been convincing and the general swallowed it – hook, line and sinker. Mac used this extra time to settle the conflict with less evasive, but equally efficient means.

“Diversionary tactics,” Russ retorted. Angus was a mastermind just like his parents. He knew how to manipulate the people around him. His mother had been the best at this. She led him around by the nose. This wouldn’t happen again.

“Desi, c’mon, you know Mac,” Jack pleaded for a further ally. How could these people that had trusted Mac and relied on his skills for years turn their backs on him now? Hell knew where these people were if it wasn’t for Mac. They had all made use of his kid to a vast extent, but when the slightest doubt arose, they were willing to let him down. Jack was furious about it. Was it really Mac who was disloyal or these people? Former friends and now enemies.

“I’m sorry Jack, but sometimes we have to sacrifice what we love for the greater good,” Desi replied apologetically not believing in Mac’s innocence anymore. Even if she wanted to, she couldn’t. He had stomped over her feelings repeatedly. How could she possibly be able to believe in his innocence? He had hurt her again and again and now it seemed to make sense to her. Mac joining Codex provided a logical explanation to her hurt feelings and their failed relationship.

“You know, if Mac was the one standing here in this room and one of us was out there with Codex,” Bozer stared into the direction of Desi and Russ while speaking, “he wouldn’t hesitate a second to get you out of it safe and sound, notwithstanding any doubts and disloyalties. He wouldn’t let anyone of us down until he has the hard facts.” Jack didn’t listen to Bozer’s words. His gaze was fixed on the blinking red dot on the screen symbolising Mac. Matty followed his gaze and saw what he did: .--.-..-- **...** -...----....------------

“Matty, we have to stop this now. Mac’s trying to contact us through this chip. Here, see, the blinking is Morse-code: Wait til 1400. Matty, he has a plan,” Jack exclaimed. A small wave of relief washed over him, because this showed that Mac didn’t defect, but did a stupid one-man stunt of saving the damn world. He was still on their side. Also, Matty felt some tension leave her shoulders until it was crushed under Russ' interpretation of the message: “He’s trying to deceive us. Desi, launch the strike.” Jack was about to jump out of his seat and punch him into the face, but was stopped by Matty before he could do some serious harm to Russ. He shot a pleading look over to Desi, who turned her gaze down to the floor not meeting his eyes.

“This is wrong,” he one more time begged Matty and Desi to just stop and Matty would if she could, but Russ paid her and the Phoenix. He was the one with the last word after all. If he wanted to strike, he would just do that. He didn’t need her permission. There was nothing more for her left to do than watch and pray for Mac to get out of it unscathed.

Meanwhile, Mac and his aunt sat in the command centre of Codex watching the screen that showed them what went on in the periphery of the compound. The plan was to evacuate the civilians, those who have proven worth it to survive and distribute their genes to the gene pool. The evacuation would be led by Gwen under the pretext to find and collect further plant species for their underground world. The evacuation was planned for 13:30 and should give her sufficient time to get a safe distance between the civilians and the combat operation. Gwen had asked how he knew that Phoenix would strike and he had only shrugged his shoulders. He didn’t know it. He counted on Russ’ obsession and the adjoining hatred. It was mere gut feeling at this point. He has had no chance to develop his plan let alone let someone beside his aunt in on it. It would’ve been too risky and he doubted Russ would have bought it. He probably would have accused him to find a cheap way to buy into Codex. But Gwen trusted and didn’t question him, because out of her point of view, Russ was the right person to count on in this situation. She had seen the hatred and the hurt of a broken-hearted who lost a team to an allegedly ambush. He had screamed betrayal, although there was none. So, she understood on which grounds Mac anticipated that Russ would blow up and jump into his plan of eliminating Codex along with the MacGyvers. It was an unpaid bill and it was a long time overdue. However, she didn’t know about the Morse code and that Mac tried to contact his team. He wanted to keep her out of this, in case Codex found out. He hoped someone picked up on it. If not, he at least had tried.

“It’ll work out,” his aunt said placing steady hands on his shoulders and gently massaged the tension out of them. What she also didn’t know was that he spied the Codex system and gathered as much information on the global networks, evidence on attacks and plans, as he could. At first, he thought he was driven by his need to find out more about his mother, but later on he found out that this was only one reason. The other reason was that he wanted to stop Codex and he shuddered inwardly at the realisation that at the end, he hated them as much as Russ did and that he was more alike Russ than he wanted to admit. Codex ruined his Mom, got her killed. Codex killed his Dad and was about to do the same with his aunt and him. Of course, he wanted to stop them, maybe even more viciously than Russ.

Unfortunately, Codex was like fungus. There was a visible body, but the network was hidden underneath and nearly invisible. It would take years to clear every Codex related terror cell. They could land a major strike against Codex today. They could cut resources and win time, but they wouldn’t stop them. The battle however, would be leveraged to a whole new level. But maybe it was just a big mistake. He looked at the screen and suddenly his aunt’s hands’ pressure on his shoulders was painfully strong and he heard her sucking in a sharp breathe. They didn’t notice his Morse code. They had launched an air strike. He saw the jets coming their direction.

“You have to hurry. Get the people out now. We might have about fifteen minutes until the first strike,” Mac urged his aunt who had her eyes fixed on the screen where two red dots symbolled the jets carrying deathly weapons approaching the compound.

“When this is over, we’ll talk and I’ll tell you everything. All the truth,” his aunt said before pulling him into a fierce hug to say goodbye. Both knew that they probably wouldn’t see each other again when this was over. Both knew that they could not win this. But Gwen hoped, though. She hoped for her nephew, who just like his mother gave so much and gained so little.

“I love you, Angus. Your parents, they loved you so much. You meant the world to them and they would be proud of you, because you’re doing the right thing,” his aunt said and kissed the top of his head while wishing she could have told him more often that she loved him and how much his parents loved him. He wasn’t ready to lose yet another family member. She was the last piece of family he had left. He wasn’t ready to be all alone. He was reluctant to let her go and afraid he would break apart. She felt his insecurity and it hurt her. But this was their fate. They made a lot of choices, several bad ones and now had to be happy with what they got.

“And now go and save the world,” with these words she kissed him finally goodbye and both prepared themselves for the job to be done.

Mac ran through the underground city to warn Leland. Well, what did warn mean? If they wanted to land a major strike, it meant to get Leland as the Hydra’s head into custody, but he was stopped on his way by Scarlett who wore her TAC gear. She blocked his way and didn’t budge.

“C’mon Scarlett and let me through. The Phoenix launched an air strike, we need to get out of here and get Leland somewhere safe,” he urged her to let him through, but what he earned was a snarky grin.

“You really believe they fell for your plan, do you? No worries, Leland’s gone. They’re on their way to the dam. They’re about to set off the eruption just as planned. They didn’t buy your scam,” she snarled and Mac grew despaired. He knew that Leland wouldn’t accomplish his aim that way, because Mac and his aunt were right. However, the explosion would cause the dam to burst and the valleys beneath would be flooded. It would take too much time to explain it to someone who didn’t trust you. Fuck, Mac thought. How could he have possibly believed it could be that easy?

“Okay, Scarlett, listen to me. We have to stop them,” he told her.

“Why should I? You were working against us from the very beginning?”

“Because Leland doesn’t want to save the planet, but destroy it. If his plan works out and the dust blocks the sun from reaching the earth, everything on it will die. There will be no untouched nature, forests or green fields, but desert and acid. Your sister won’t grow up in a peaceful world, but an artificial underground world ruled by a dictator who claims the right to decide who’s worth it to survive and who’s not,” Mac pleaded with her to see the actual facts which Leland never openly spoke about to them. Leland wasn’t out there to save the world, but to save his predominance.

“How do I know that you’re telling the truth?” she asked, but he could see the seed of doubt he had sawed and he took it.

“You want the best for your sister. You want her to grow up in a safe and protected environment. Insofar, I’m the only option you have,” he said and heard her muttering a ‘fuck it’ before they felt the earth beneath them sake violently. The first bomb hit its target.

“They’re attacking us?” Scarlett asked in disbelief.

“I told you so. But don’t worry. Gwen evacuated all civilians. Your sister’s safe with her, but if we want to prevent any further damage, we need to hurry up now.”

Scarlett shook her head. It was the second time she trusted him, though and they ran towards the exit in the south – in the direction of the strikes, because Mac knew Desi and her team were waiting at the north side of the compound. They smudged them out to force them to the north. Mac knew these tactics. Jack had explained it to him several times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: Jack's back in the field and does what he does best. But no matter what, Mac has to pay the price for his actions and Jack has to watch it helplessly. Russ is like a pitbull. Once bitten hard, he won't let go and this time it will be Desi, who will hurt Mac. Or: the introduction of the whump and fluff that justifies 20 more chapters ;)


	15. Hell's Bells

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We reach the tip of the climax. Can Mac stop Codex? Jack's determined to be there for his kid, but now has to live through his worst nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. I hope you'll like this chapter. It was one of the most difficult ones to write for this story. I hope it's not too confusing.

They followed Mac to the directions of the dam in the Yellow Stone National Park. The GPS told them that Mac had to be there somewhere, but they didn’t know why. They didn’t know what went on. They had no idea what the plan was – if there was a plan at all. They were flying blind just like Mac was. Jack watched Desi’s growing tension. The Taylor guy didn’t want Jack to join the TAC team, but once again it was Matty who put her foot down. She needed Jack. He should intervene and de-escalate if it came to a show-down between Russ and Mac. She was not yet ready to let Mac down, until this mess was unequivocally resolved. For this, she needed Jack. Mac needed Jack, because if there was one person who could read him like an open book, it was Jack. And as it seemed, Jack was the only one who still believed in Mac’s innocence, who stood in his corner.

For Russ it was clear that Angus had defected. He didn’t expect anything else from Ellen’s son. Like mother, like son. From a hidden corner of his mind he heard that tiny voice which told him that it was wrong to hold a grudge against her son and that it was wrong to conclude from the mother to the son, but the pain was still there. The scars were invisible, but the sting remained during all those twenty-five years. It had survived and after subsiding to a dull background noise, it had surged back into this one burning sensation that fired his need to eliminate Codex. The past events gave him enough reason to believe that he was right about Angus, because after all Angus MacGyver was a grown-up man with serious abandonment issues, who never got a chance to get to know his mother and who barely got to know his father before he watched him going up in flames. It was only logical that Angus sought the proximity of the last remaining family member - the last blood relative. It was only natural that the insecure and frightened boy was eager to please his Mom and aunt. It was to be expected that he joined Codex and Russ would do everything in his power to stop Angus from any further mischief. Only Jack knew that Russ was wrong. Mac wasn’t the small insecure boy, who sought the love of mommy and daddy. He was the one who sought justice, no matter how close it hit home and no matter how much it hurt him. It was this damn lack of self-preservation which made Mac endure the worst pains instead of letting things rest. Mac wouldn’t stay still until he had uncovered everything and paved the way to justice. No matter at what costs. No matter what it cost him.

They neared the dam. There were two black but abandoned SUVs. Desi gave the sign to exit their cars. One half of the team stayed back to secure the dam. The other half including Jack followed Desi. They found the entrance to the control centre of the dam from where hydraulics and mechanics were controlled. They climbed down a steep ladder and where hit by the dampness and coldness of a typical basement. Jack was afraid of what they would find – in which state they would find Mac. When Mac told him that he was about to do something stupid, Jack hadn’t grasped the dimension of stupidity his kid had been talking about.

When they reached the end of the ladder, Desi told him to lead one part of the team to the left, while she would take the rest to the right. Desi trusted Jack’s sense of justice. He would turn Mac in pending a full investigation, which Jack was interested in, too. Little did she know about the bond between Jack and Mac. Jack wouldn’t turn in his kid. He knew that Mac’s case was long lost. At least that was what Jack suspected given the Taylor guy’s behaviour. Fo this, he would bundle up his kid and run. Even if it meant that he would spend the rest of his life on the run. Even if it meant that he would never see Texas and his family again. But Jack still trusted his kid. He was sure that Mac knew what he was doing and that he had improvised a safety net, even if it was very unnatural for his kid to act upon a well elaborated plan. Mac improvised. However, improvising evidence to prove his innocence was probably a little difficult, even for his kid. Jack didn't dare losing hope, though.

They slowly walked along the corridor careful not to make any noise. Then Jack stopped signalling his team to follow suit. There were voices. One sounded painfully familiar. He couldn’t make out what was said. Noiseless and slowly they walked on towards the voices. They reached a corner. Then Jack heard a grunt, a thud and a groan. He peaked around the corner, but didn’t like what he saw. Mac lay on the floor with one of the Codex soldiers towering above him. Then, he picked Mac up as if he was a toy and threw him against a pillar causing Mac to groan anew. Jack assessed the situation and did his maths. Three black Codex soldiers and an old rickety man with a detonator in his hand who stood next to something which looked awfully like a bomb. Mac had no chance to fight these guys. Jack knew it. Mac did, too. Jack watched Mac scramble back onto his feet ready to fight the guy, who now bent down and picked up a gun. He pointed it at Mac. Jack watched Mac’s eyes dart through the room to find something he could improvise with. Mac’s heart sank at the realisation that all which was there was either fixed to the ground or walls or was out of his reach. Jack saw it, too, and drew his gun. He took a breath and counted to three. Mac heard the shot and then watched the black clad guy crumble to the ground. Shot in the chest. Mac didn’t have time to think about what had just happened, but he felt a familiar presence and protected like he hadn’t felt for a long time.

However, the other two guys didn’t take long to react to Jack’s well-aimed shot and Mac who felt as grounded and calm as he hadn’t since Jack had left, picked up the gun from the floor and hid behind a pillar to not get caught in the cross fire. Then there was another gun shot and the two guys dropped dead. It was a trademark shot. Mac remembered it from the sandbox. It wasn’t all in his head then.

It was that moment in which Desi arrived with her team. She had heard the commotion and they ran to support Jack. But there was no time to process what happened and who did what, because Leland’s hand hovered over the detonator and Mac had to stop him. There were footsteps and more Codex soldiers appeared and Desi’s team had to surrender. She knew Jack was hiding behind the corner on the other side, but he couldn’t do anything.

“I think that’s it,” Leland said, but Mac didn’t agree. They might be caught in an impasse, but he would make sure that also Codex wouldn’t get out of it. He picked up the gun and Jack watched it. Just like Kovacs, but this time Mac was not only facing one guy with a gun, but an army of soldiers with their guns now pointed at Mac, who was oblivious to this. ‘No, no, no’ was all Jack whispered hoping for his kid to find another solution.

“I don’t think so,” Mac replied. He didn’t have any alternative. He couldn’t risk the bomb to go off.

“Hand over the detonator,” Mac said with calm and steady voice and stepped forward to Leland. Desi’s team meanwhile had their guns pointed at the Codex soldiers, making use of Mac’s diversionary tactics. How Jack hoped it was just that, but only Mac knew he was ready to do everything to stop Leland.

“If I don’t, do you shoot me then?” Leland smirked derogatively.

“I’ve been down that road already once. I’ll do it again,” Mac replied his cold and unyielding voice sent shivers down Jack’s spine. There it was again the darkness, which threatened to swallow his kid and Mac was ready to do it. He would kill again if he had to. He wouldn’t let Leland get away.

“Not on my watch,” Jack mumbled and meant it. He wouldn’t let Mac shoulder the responsibility of another death and then he fired. The bullet hit Leland in the shoulder sending him down. He dropped the detonator in that process. Desi’s team used this distraction to take care of the rest of the Codex soldiers. Mac picked up the detonator and disabled it. He then ran towards the bomb and disarmed it. He had to make sure that no one was going to use it. Mac was hyperfocused on stopping Codex that he didn’t notice Jack coming towards him.

He stepped out of the shadows of the corner where he had hidden and walked towards his kid. From the periphery of his sight, Mac noticed someone walking towards him and he spun around. Then he saw him – Jack - and everything suddenly made sense. It really hadn’t been all in his head. Mac saw the hope in Jack’s eyes – misled hope. There was none left for him. Jack didn’t believe it, though.

“Mac?” Jack asked his kid. He wanted to take him into his arms, because it was over now. They could now go all back home and work on sorting out this mess. But it wasn’t over. Not for Mac. He was still alive. He had to check on his aunt. He had to find out whether she was still alive. Who knew what would happen to him, when the Phoenix arrived? He still needed answers – answers to so awfully painful questions and he doubted he would get these answers once Phoenix got their hands on him and his aunt. Mac looked at Jack and wished they could call it a day and head for his place for some cold beers and pizza. But he had to find closure.

“Take this,” Mac said handing the now useless detonator to Jack, “I have to check on my aunt. I promise, I’ll turn myself in afterwards,” he told Jack, who didn’t understand what his kid was talking about. Shouldn’t what just happened be enough evidence to prove his case? But Jack let it slide and let Mac go, much to Desi’s dismay. Russ had ordered her to take Mac into custody and bring him to the Phoenix. Now she had to watch how Jack let him go, because Mac’s pleading eyes told him that his kid needed more to find closure and Jack wouldn’t get in between Mac and his salvation.

On his way back to the compound, Mac’s mind was blank. He had no time to process what had just happened. It wasn’t over, at least not for him. If they both were alive and before whatever happened to him and his aunt, he needed to talk to her - needed to finally find out what happened to his Mom. He drove like a maniac, afraid that Codex or the Phoenix could stop him before he had a chance to talk to his aunt. Well, the latter surely followed him. He couldn’t tell where he stood with the Phoenix. He recalled the disappointed look on Jack’s face when he told him that he had to go. What he did to Jack hurt him, too. He hoped he would get a chance to talk it through with him – to apologise. Mac was convinced: it wasn’t over. Not for him.

And he was right. Desi and her team followed him. They had order to take Mac into custody and she was determined to do so. Jack, however, had promised Matty to make sure that his kid got a fair chance and to de-escalate if needed be. For Jack it was obvious where Mac’s loyalties lay. He had been ready to kill to stop Codex. That was enough evidence. Desi couldn’t possibly have missed that. But after Thornton, Jack also knew how complicated such things were.

They reached the compound. Flames burnt high in the aftermath of the air strike. Desi’s team positioned themselves waiting for more orders. The place was crowded with Codex soldiers. Mac’s manoeuvre had crossed Desi’s plans. She had taken part of the team to the dam. Hank’s team wasn’t enough to take on a Codex army.

Mac spotted his aunt who talked to the commander in chief of the Codex troops.

“Surrender. It is over,” she told him without success. She wanted to prevent any open fights. There was no need for more dead people.

“She’s right,” Mac said approaching his aunt, “Leland is in custody. The Phoenix is surrounding you. There’s no way out of this,” he went on supporting his aunt. Gwen turned around and relief washed over her when she saw her nephew bruised but otherwise intact standing closely behind her. This sparked the hope that maybe at the end everything would be good. But both felt the eyes of Phoenix snipers on them. Russ watched them through his telescope. Mac’s case was a mess. It wasn’t clear where he stood. But Gwendolyn Heyes was still alive. Ellen’s sister, her accomplice. She was responsible for his nightmares and scars, the pain and the never-ending self-reproaches.

“Shoot her,” Russ ordered for this and tried to find a better position to get a good shot at Heyes himself, but he couldn’t. Mac was blocking his view. Jack on the other side didn’t understand this order. There were no fighting actions. She was talking to Mac and the soldiers. Might as well be that she tried to persuade them to stop and surrender.

“Gwen, maybe we should surrender now. I’m a little afraid someone feels an itch in his finger,” Mac told his aunt sensing that they were watched carefully. One wrong move could mean a trigger being pulled.

“If they don’t want to, it’s their decision. But it’s not too late for you. I’m sure we can find a deal which suits everyone,” Mac begged his aunt to finally leave Codex behind. His hopes rested with Matty, who always had a solution.

“Who told you that we’ll let the two of you go alive?” the commander in chief asked. Now the Codex guns were pointed at them, too. That was what you got from playing a double game or as in their case a double-double game. You’re about to get shot from all sides and all parties involved. Jack recognised the death trap, too. His heart stopped. De-escalate. But how? He screamed over comms to not shoot, but he wasn’t sure if anyone listened to him. He was no Phoenix operative. He had no rights. His eyes were glued on Mac. This was his worst nightmare becoming true.

“Damn it, stop aiming for Mac and Heyes!” he screamed once more over comms. Everything about this was wrong. He saw more Phoenix agents position themselves for a better view at the target

“Shoot Heyes,” Russ ordered and Jack got angry. This wasn’t how the Phoenix acted. They had their principles. Nobody shot someone without good reason.

“We can’t. MacGyver’s blocking the view,” Hank replied looking over to Jack who nodded in thanks. At least someone listened to him. His glances fell back onto Mac, who stood with his back turned to them. He was talking to his aunt.

“Shoot anyway!” Russ grew agitated looking for a better angle for his own shot. Jack looked at Hank, who shook his head and put his rifle down followed by his team. He wouldn’t shoot a friend. But Jack had no time to feel relief. A shot shrilled through the air followed by a second one.

Mac heard the buzz of the flying bullet, before there was a burning sensation in his right shoulder. Its force knocked him to the ground. Jack watched his kid fall. Hit by a bullet from a Phoenix agent. Jack screamed at the top of his lungs and was on his way to his kid. He turned around to see where the shot came from. He looked into Desi’s direction. Sometimes you have to sacrifice what you once loved for the greater good. She hasn’t been ready to sacrifice Mac, though. She only had to clear the view for Russ’ final and mostly satisfying shot. Jack had trouble to grasp that the woman he had trusted with his life and with Mac’s now had shot at his kid. Hell, she once declared to be in love with his kid. This was twisted and wrong.

The pain exploded in Mac’s shoulder. Black spots danced in front of his eyes. So much for being alive. He lay on the ground and then with a thud he saw his aunt collapse. A red dot bloomed on her chest where her heart was. Now her heart was really broken. With her last strength she reached for her nephew’s cold hand before the life poured out of her through a bullet wound. Mac wanted to get up and do something, but he couldn’t. There was already too much blood forming beneath him and the pain was excruciating. He closed his eyes. His last thought was about Jack and how much he had put him through. He hoped Jack would get over it. He hoped for forgiveness, although he didn’t deserve it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: Dead or alive? Friend or foe? Free or in custody? The aftermath of the battle. Wild speculations are very much welcome!


	16. The Unforgiven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the fight between Codex and Phoenix. Some people never stop to hold a grudge while others are fighting hard for fairness. Others are put out of commission.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this story. I really appriciate it.  
> Sorry for this chapter. I probably went a little over board with this one. The one suffers too much and the other turned out more evil than planned. But maybe the bad week I've had and the even worse one ahead of me serve as excuse for it. I needed to vent my anger on someone ;)
> 
> @ sophiemc: when you first came up with the idea of Mac being in custody, this chapter was already drafted. When you asked me to maybe write a ficlet about it, this chapter only needed its finishing touches (which totally went over board, I know). I couldn't tell you, though and for this I put you off and asked for time. I hope you can forgive me.

Mac felt numb. He was awfully heavy. All tension was drained from him and he was floating through an equilibrium of indifference. Everything felt fuzzy. Thinking was difficult. As soon as a thought formed in his mind it was gone before he could grasp it. But that was okay, because he simply didn’t care anymore. He didn’t even have an idea what he should care about. He drifted through a thick fog that was wrapped around him like a cocoon. It suffocated him, but not too badly. He wasn’t cut off air. Breathing was just a real effort with his heavy chest. The fog lifted very slowly. He got aware of something. Of himself. The numbness subsided and he started to feel his body again, which still felt so awfully heavy. When the fog cleared a little more, he realised that maybe he should start to care again and find out what was going on with him. His instincts told him that this was not a natural state he was in. He tried to open his eyes. His eyelids were heavy like stone. Opening was a real effort. His awareness grew. There was the dull throbbing pain in his shoulder, but he had no idea where it came from. That probably would’ve been a little disturbing, but the cobwebs of indifference still occupied his mind.

After what felt like an eternity, he managed to open his eyes. His vision was blurry. He blinked to clear it, but it didn’t work. His vision remained blurry around the edges. Keeping his eyes open was a struggle. They threatened to droop again. Something told him that he had to fight this. He tried. He had trouble focusing. He couldn’t fix his eyes on anything. He didn’t know where he was. Everything was somehow swimming and numb. He tried to lift his arm that felt so heavy. He couldn’t, but he was too numb and too indifferent to feel panic at the familiar sensation of restraints around his wrists. His instincts, however, told him otherwise. They tried to make him understand that this meant danger. Restraints were never good. On pure instincts then, he tried to thrash against the restraints, but his body was too weak to do anything about them. He couldn’t even muster up more strength when he felt that there were restraints around his ankles as well. It felt like he was caught and locked up in his own body. This was an awfully unsettling idea, but he didn’t care, while his instincts were screaming at him that this was wrong. He didn’t comprehend what happened to him. The throbbing pain in his shoulder grew worse. His instincts told him that something was off. His mind didn’t say anything at all. His head was stuffed with cotton. There was no way for him to understand the situation he was caught in. He gave up on the restraints and then turned his head only to suddenly meet Russ’ face. What happened? What was going on? He wanted to ask, but he couldn’t.

Russ watched Angus’ heavily sedated body surface and the weak attempts to fight the restraints. He watched how the young man tried to form words, but he couldn’t. Mac’s tongue felt too heavy, too big and filthy. He felt paralysed. Even breathing demanded a high effort. Russ watched Angus a little longer. He was satisfied. He was told that there was no prison MacGyver couldn’t escape from. Patricia Thornton had tried and failed. Russ had always been convinced that catching and locking up Angus MacGyver was a challenge. But it wasn’t impossible. It only took the right time and the appropriate means. The timing had been perfect and not even Angus could work his way around these means. Had he taken advantage of the exigence of a seriously injured Angus MacGyver? Yes. Were these actions justified? Yes, because Angus MacGyver had not yet been cleared of all doubts. He didn’t care how many people believed that Angus was still one of them. He didn’t care about the facts, which were supposed to convince him from Angus’ innocence, because Codex was still out there. They had caught Leland and killed Gwendolyn Heyes. That, however, was nothing but a superficial cut. They had cut off the head of the Hydra, though it wasn’t yet defeated. But he would go on. Codex’ underground structure was still active and needed to be excavated before more damage was done. He wouldn’t rest until this was accomplished. He wouldn’t rest until he had eliminated Codex and he would make sure that this terror group no longer would try to reach out for Mac as Ellen MacGyver’s inheritor. He wouldn’t let Angus’ go until this target was reached. But Russ took mercy and decided to let Angus in on the plans he had for him.

“You’re in Phoenix medical, until your shoulder’s healed. Then you’ll have to answer a few questions. I want to know all about Codex and you'd better cooperate, because otherwise your suffering will only prolong and I promise, I can make you suffer long and slowly. So, choose wisely. There's nobody here who will help you this time. It'll only be you and me,” Russ explained to Mac. No, this story wouldn’t end with a happy ever after. He was determined to destroy Codex and he would find out about Angus’ role in this business. Russ would press him for more information on Codex. He was convinced that Angus knew more than he had let on the whole time. Angus wouldn’t see the light of day until Russ didn’t have the last bit information on Codex squeezed out of him, no matter the costs.

Mac heard his words, but they didn’t make much sense to him. The words flew incoherently through the space and Mac couldn’t catch them or their meaning. He still didn’t understand what went on. It was disturbing. He tried again to struggle against the restraints. Russ saw Mac’s growing agitation, but the nurse was already there.

“No worries, I’ll make sure you won’t break out of these,” Russ said tapping against the black Velcro-restraints fastened around Mac’s wrists, while a nurse injected something into the IV in Mac’s hand. Mac felt a sting, a burning sensation and then something warm flush through his system. His body grew heavier again. The fog thickened and the cocoon tightened around him. His visions got blurrier and grew black around the edges. He slowly sunk back into a meaningless black hole without time and space.

“Sorry Mac, but since you’re like Houdini, I have no alternatives,” he heard Russ say before everything around him went dark. He lost that battle and sunk into sedated oblivions losing himself to the growing indifference.

When the fog cleared once more and he opened his eyes again, his vision was still blurry and he couldn’t focus. He didn’t remember that he had woken once already. His mind was blank. His body was still way to heavy and his limbs where still tightly secured to the bedrails. He still didn’t understand what he had done. Time and space were floating and his body with them. Nothing made sense and he didn’t care about it. He still couldn’t shake off the effects of the sedatives they had him on. He was detached from everything. He turned his head and this time he met Jack’s brown eyes. Sadness and worry were written over his face when he took Mac’s retrained hand. Jack looked worn. Mac couldn’t tell why.

“You really fucked up big time, hoss,” Jack said, “And I don’t know how to help you out of this one,” he admitted and brushed a strand of hair out of Mac’s face. His kid probably didn’t even recognise him. He was drugged up to the skull and his eyes didn’t carry their usual awareness. They were dull. His kid was totally out of it and oblivious to his surroundings. Jack was at a loss and having to watch Mac being treated like a wild animal – like he was one of the bad guys they used to hunt down and lock up – tore him apart. Mac was still not free from all doubts and the Taylor guy didn’t hold back his intention to eventually dump Mac in a black site if he didn’t cooperate. Jack had given up to find a logic behind the man’s reasonings a long time ago. Jack tried his best to make the blind ones see. There were still a few facts suggesting that Mac might have defected. For Jack this was bullshit, but nobody seemed to listen to him. It was a messy case and a pro/contra list wasn’t of much help. There were as many facts speaking for Mac as there were speaking against him.

Mac wanted to say something when his mind started working again. Slowly, but he was able tp put things back together. He wanted to tell Jack how sorry he was that after everything he has had to endure during those three years, Mac dragged him into this Codex mess, too. Jack deserved better. But Mac’s mind was incapable of forming any words. He was trapped – trapped in his own body. The nurse returned and once again injected something into Mac’s IV. Jack shot her a death glare and watched Mac struggle against the effects of the sedatives, but it was a losing game. They didn’t give Mac a chance to recover from the effects, but made sure he was securely under. Taylor had ordered that Mac was to be kept sedated until he had found a solution for Mac’s escape skills. No, Jack didn’t like it. This wasn't going to be a fair trial. They had their scapegoat. Area iacta est. He watched Mac’s eyes droop under the heavy sedatives they had him on to keep him from running. And he felt helpless, useless even. Jack couldn’t help his kid out of this mess. Guards waited outside the room and made sure nobody without permission entered or exited it. The feeling of failure ripped through him and the unfairness of this screamed into his face. He wanted to take it and slam it against the wall, but he couldn’t. He would be of even less help when he killed this Taylor guy.

He got up, left medical and headed to Matty. Maybe this Taylor guy owned the Phoenix, but she had to do something. She had to rescue Mac this time. After he rescued her, her reputation, her beloved ones so many times, it was her fucking job to rescue Mac, Jack thought.

The third time Mac opened his eyes he saw Matty’s concerned face. He didn’t remember Jack. He didn’t understand his situation. Instead, the indifference grew and grew. Why care about anything when there was nothing left to care about? Matty tilted her head not sure whether Mac was aware of her presence. It hurt her to see him helpless and defenceless like this - out of commission. This wasn’t Angus MacGyver. This was a sick game and Mac had to pay the stake. She knew that this was her growing distrust of Taylor speaking from her. He went far over board with his actions. But she couldn’t stop him. He was obsessed and close to mania. She had to break this spell. But for this she needed something in her hands she could work with.

“Mac, I really could use your help here. I trust you and I know what you did, but I need some more hard facts to prove your case. So, if you have something - anything,” she nearly pleaded. Her hopes rested on Mac. He had to have more solid facts to prove his loyalty and convince Russ that he never was part of Codex. She didn’t expect an answer though. Mac was in no state to say something. A nurse entered the again and injected something in Mac’s IV.

“Is it really necessary?” Matty snapped at her, but the nurse only shrugged her shoulders apologetically.

“If this causes any long-term damage, you’ll have to answer for it, too,” Matty snapped. She had enough. After the strike against Codex the Phoenix was divided in two. There were the ones who were convinced that Mac defected and those who were convinced that Mac was still one of them. She tried to retain her objectivity, but she was sceptical about the turn things took. Mac’s case wasn’t easy. There were a lot of facts that spoke against him: he had avowed himself openly to Codex theories; he had helped Scarlett to break out from Phoenix prison; he hadn't let anyone of them in on his plans; but worse of all weighed that he was Ellen MacGyver’s son, emotionally compromised because he lost his whole family despite his aunt, who has been the right hand of Leland. But he had tried to communicate with them and didn’t initiate any actions against them, but helped to stop Codex from implementing their plans. These were strong arguments which however could also be interpreted from another perspective. And that was what was happening the very moment. There was no fair trial waiting for Mac. He was given no chance. She didn’t know who was right and wrong. Only Mac knew that. But she was content that if Mac was guilty int the slightest sense of the accusations, if he had switched sides, he would plead guilty and assume repsonsibility for what he had done. He would admit everything and provide them a quick end to the process. If, however, he had gone on a secret solo mission – and something in the back of her head suggested just that – he deserved a fair process. He should get the chance to surrender or prove his innocence. He didn’t deserve any less after what he had done for them – the Phoenix.

Jack was fuming. They weren’t giving his kid a fair chance. He knew that the facts spoke as much against Mac as they spoke for him, but weren’t they supposed to judge in his kid’s favour then? What about in dubio pro reo? Mac obviously didn’t fight them – the Phoenix. There was nothing, which could be interpreted as counter act. But they treated him like a suspect – like a criminal. They didn’t even allow him to sit with his kid for longer than ten minutes. That was wrong. He always sat with his kid. And his kid was hurt. His shoulder was covered in thick bandages and nobody told him about the damage that was done, instead they pumped his kid full with sedatives to keep him from running. Did they actually care about what they did to the kid? The whole Phoenix medical stuff knew how bad Mac suffered from the side effects.

He needed to get his kid out of there and Matty was about to give him an opportunity when she summoned him into her office. She told him that the guards in front of Mac’s room would rotate in two hours. The guards on rotation would be delayed for about ten minutes. This was Jack’s slot to get his kid out and onto the tarmac where a jet would wait for directions. Matty didn’t care where Jack took his kid. It should be far enough so Russ didn’t immediately find them and hauled Mac’s ass back to the Phoenix. She needed forty-eight hours. She needed that time to dig through the facts and find a way to either rehabilitate Mac or to convince him that admitting the obvious was for the best for all of them. However, she hoped the former would be the case.

“Riley, I need your help,” Jack nearly commandeered Riley two hours later with his and Mac’s go bag in one hand. Riley followed him to the medical wing. The guards were gone. They approached Mac’s room. He didn’t have to tell Riley what he was about to do. She knew it. She didn’t feel good about it – about being dragged into it. As much as she wanted to believe that Mac acted upon a plan which included stopping Codex, she wasn’t convinced. She wasn’t like Bozer, who trusted his friend, a full one-hundred percent and didn’t doubt his friend’s innocence. She had her doubts and if they turned out to be true, she was about to be liable with treason and she’d be back in prison in no time. She didn’t want to go back to prison. She loved Mac like family, but she wasn’t ready to risk her freedom for him. Worst of all, she also knew how wrong this was after everything he had done for her. No traitor by law, but she was ready to send a friend to his doom. It scared her. She was disgusted by herself. But she also was only a human being.

They entered the room. Mac was asleep – a drug induced sleep. She watched as Jack without hesitation unfastened the restraints and removed the IV. He ignored the bleeding. They didn’t have much time and by the looks of it, Mac was in no state to help them. Jack then tried to lift Mac’s limp body into a sitting position. It was a struggle. Mac’s body was a deadweight. He was about to fall over when Jack tried and checked whether Mac could sit upright on his own. He couldn’t.

“Would you mind giving me a hand here?” Jack snapped at Riley when she still stood like frozen to ice in the room watching Jack. For him it was easy to believe in Mac’s innocence. He knew Mac best of all and he was probably right, but she couldn’t shove the lingering doubts away.

“Damn it, Riley! Snap out of it and help me!” Jack hissed while he carefully moved Mac so he was sitting with his legs dangling over the edge of the bed. She went over to Jack supporting Mac’s deadweight while Jack worked on getting his kid into proper cloths. He ignored the doubts which were written all over Riley’s face.

“Hey kid, maybe you could wake up and help me a little here,” Jack asked Mac’s unconscious form while he tried to put jeans on him. What he received was a grunt, when the movement jostled Mac’s injured shoulder. It was a struggle, but somehow Jack managed to dress Mac properly. He hadn’t lost his practice. It was a sad fact that they both had helped each other dressing and undressing more often than they cared to count.

“Now we need to get him to the air strip,” Jack told Riley while carefully sliding Mac off the bed. She was on Mac’s left side, wrapped her arm around his waist while taking his other arm to shoulder his weight like Jack did.

“J’ck?” come some intelligible mumbling from Mac. Jack was glad to hear that Mac was finally coming around.

“Yeah, it’s me. We’re getting you out of here. Maybe you could help us a little,” Jack told his kid. Mac responded by trying to lift up his own weight, but his body felt so awfully heavy and his legs were wobbly. Mac stumbled and Riley tightened her grip around him. It was a slow process. Her body screamed under the strain, but she didn’t want to disappoint Jack so she carried on. Jack did the same. He hoped that there was still enough time for them. They saw the air strip in front of them. A jet was already waiting. Mac meanwhile surfaced some more. He comprehended that he was moving and that Jack was there. His brain did the maths and ordered his legs to help Jack. Riley was relieved when they finally reached the jet and the pilot helped them to get Mac in. They sat him down on the couch. Mac then realised where he was and what was about to happen. They were going to run, but he hadn’t finished his task yet. He wanted to prove that he was no traitor. He wanted to smash Codex, too. But his brain was fuzzy and his tongue so heavy. But he had to give something to Matty, something that would allow him and Jack to return.

“Knife,” Mac managed to pronounce. Jack understood, but then again, he didn’t, but they also didn’t have much time. He handed Mac his red Swiss army knife, which he took with trembling hands, dug the tip of it into his forearm and then cut it up a few inches.

“Shit! Mac, stop it!” Jack screamed not knowing what Mac was about to do when he saw the blood ooze out of the cut. He wanted to stop him, but Mac wouldn’t let lose the knife. With the last strength he had left he poked with the tip of the knife through the messy wound and produced the chip out of it. He took it and handed it Jack. Later, Mac would be glad that he was too out of it to even notice what he had done.

“Gross, dude,” Jack said when the bloody chip fell into his palm.

“Matty,” Mac told Jack and Jack understood. This chip was Mac’s life insurance.

“Oh kid, you’re a genius,” Jack said with a grin and was about to exit the jet to run to Matty, but was stopped because Riley screammed after him: “Jack! What now?” She was helpless about the situation and scared. She didn’t comprehend what went on while Mac looked at her owlishly. She didn’t want to be alone with him. What if someone noticed the escape plan and caught her with Mac in this jet?

“Now…I think I’m going to pass out,” Mac slurred heavily before his body went limp and he fell forward into Riley’s arms that stopped him from face planting on the jet’s carpet. Jack wasn’t too happy about this development and didn’t like the idea of leaving his kid alone. He saw Riley’s doubts and he wasn’t sure whether he wanted to understand them. He had no time for such an inner discussion. He had to go and find Matty. He had to trust Riley and that she would do the right thing and keep Mac safe like he had done for them ever so often.

“Stop the bleeding and get him into recovery position. Make sure his airways stay free when he throws up,” Jack said routine phrasing his words. He was about to run off, but was again stopped by Riley who was afraid.

“Jack!” she screamed and her face told a story of doubts and insecurity and distrust. It hurt him to see that she didn’t trust Mac after everything they’ve been through.

“Riley, do you trust me?” he said crouching down to meet her eyes. He needed her to watch over Mac while he was on his way to Matty. She had to hold the fortress. Riley nodded.

“That’s good, because I trust Mac,” he said and then left. He meant it. He trusted his kid. He ran as fast as he could to hand the chip over to Matty.

Shortly later, he sat in the jet with Mac lying on the couch. He was still unconscious. His head rested in Jack’s lap.

“This is going to be a helluva hangover, kid,” Jack said while brushing his fingers through the blond strands of hair. It was only a few hours until they touched down in Austin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: Meet the Daltons! We get to know Jack's family and the ranch. We also will have some fluffy re-bonding between our two favorite agents, while in the background people still cannot stop to work against Mac or do they work for him? Well, it's not over yet and real motives will be revealed.


	17. Slumber

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just some fluff and whump to introduce the Daltons into this story.

Jack’s uncle didn’t ask any questions when he picked Jack up from the air strip, who was half carrying half dragging a drugged out of his skull Mac to the red pick-up truck. His uncle knew the drill as Jack’s father did. It made life on the ranch much easier. He didn’t need cover stories to explain visible injuries or hospital stays. Their existence was accepted as well as the fact that he couldn’t talk about how he sustained a bullet wound or a broken limb or a bruise or whatever goodie the goons had handed out to him. He couldn’t talk about his job, just like his father couldn’t and just like his uncle couldn’t.

They drove in silence. Jack checked Mac’s pulse and breathing every once in a while, to make sure his kid’s blood pressure didn’t crash due to the heavy sedatives. Jack shook his head at the thought that only one Angus MacGyver could piss off people so badly that they sedated him with drugs to keep him under control. But it scared him too. It revealed how huge the dimension of terrifying trouble was in which Mac got himself into. Mac had proven that he could fool even the supposedly best. This scared the elite and if the elite was scared, they would not rest until they got rid of what scared them. Mac. The more he hoped that Matty would find something to help Mac out of this mess. He had never thought that his hopes would once rest with Matty, but they did.

Jack brushed a strand of blond hair out of Mac’s clammy face. The drugs were working their way out of his system. Jack understood Russ’ need to destroy Codex. He had felt the similar urge when it was about Kovacs. It helped to focus. This urge drove you to your best and satisfied your needs. However, Jack didn’t understand why Russ was so keen on nailing Mac. Sure, Mac shouldn’t have sympathised with Codex’ theories so openly and yes, he was Ellen MacGyver’s son, but that wasn’t his fault. There was no such thing like original sin which was passed on from parents to their kids. It made him furious that Taylor tried to portray Mac as the sad and abandoned boy, who was ready to do everything to prove posthumous to his Mom that he was her good boy and worth it being loved. He hit the same nudge like the LAPD back then when Mac was accused of terrorism. They couldn’t be any further away, because the scrawny burger-named boy didn’t do anything only to be loved by someone. He didn’t do anything only to please. He had met that annoying streak in the sandbox. Matty had to put up with it when she took over the team after Thornton. And Mac definitely didn’t run after his father like a little puppy after its owner to get a treat. The contrary. No, Mac never did something only to please, but either Russ didn’t know that or didn’t want to. What did Matty say: Russ was good in reading people and solving puzzles? Jack remembered that she even used the words “the best” in this sense. Well, even the best couldn’t get past the walls of one Angus MacGyver and that was what scared the best. Mac could hide everything from Russ and Russ wouldn’t even know that the boy hid something from him. Russ did not make a secret of his compulsion to control, but it was impossible to control Mac and that was what got under Taylor's skin and Jack saw it. He wasn’t the smartest guy on earth, but he had good instincts and he knew his kid.

They drove through the dark Texan night. The ribbing of the crickets and the looming humidity of upcoming rain filled the air. Rain was good. The soil was already stone hard and the cattle needed to be fed through the winter, too. So, they needed rain to keep the grass from withering. Jack breathed in the night’s air – clean and fresh - and he relaxed. The comforting feeling of being home spread through him. It filled him up. It made him whole. Here, I am human. Here, I can be. This was his retreat when missions went really bad and he not only needed to recover physically, but also emotionally. His family was here: his mother and his uncle, his siblings, cousins and nephews even and who didn’t live on the ranch, didn’t live far away and those who did came for a visit frequently. The main house appeared in the headlights of the car. He had always wished to bring Mac around some time to share his caring and loving home with him. It never happened and the circumstances now were rather suboptimal.

His uncle helped him to get Mac inside the house. Low grunts told Jack that Mac was slowly surfacing again. They carefully lifted him out of the car and then guided him upstairs into the vacant bedroom next to Jack’s. Jack carefully lowered Mac onto the mattress and unlaced his shoes. He then pulled Mac’s legs up onto the bed, too. Mac immediately curled up into a protective foetus position, curling into himself as much as possible. This reaction spoke volumes of how much agony his kid was in. And Jack did the only thing he knew that could help to put his kid’s mind to ease. He sat down on the edge of the bed and brushed through is hair while telling him that he was safe now. Jack was there and he was ready to do whatever was needed to protect his kid from further harm. When Jack felt that maybe his words had sunken into his kid’s dazed mind, he carefully peeled Mac’s shirt from his shoulder to check on the wound. Crimson spots dotted the bandages and Jack assumed that he had pulled a few stitched in his attempt to get his kid out of the Phoenix. He then checked Mac’s forearm. The dressing of that wound also needed to be changed.

“Your Mom already called Dr. Walter. He’ll be here in half an hour. That should be enough time to tell us what all this is about,” his uncle said with a concerned face. It was scary how his father’s brother started to look more and more like him – like his Dad. Growing old properly made all Daltons look alike. After his father passed away, his uncle had taken over the business of the ranch. He has taken his father’s place without replacing him – without wanting to replace him. He led the business until Jack would finally return home. At some point, his uncle morphed into the solid rock that provided support and advice to Jack. His uncle, Frank, was different from his Dad. He had his own ways, but he was there for the family.

When Jack had gently placed a blanket over Mac, his uncle led him into the kitchen where a mug of hot steaming tea and his Mom were awaiting them. He greeted his Mom with a whole-hearted hug and a kiss to the cheek before they sat down and Jack started to spill the beans or at least as many as he could. He explained to them that his kid was in a precarious situation. He let the words “accused defection” slip to give them the full picture. His uncle understood and so did his Mom, because James MacGyver hadn’t been the only father who had paved his son’s path to greater things. Jack Dalton Senior had seen is son’s skills and realised that he was destined for something beyond the ranch. Jack Dalton Senior knew from the very beginning that his son was destined to follow him into his footsteps. But different from James MacGyver he didn’t shut Jack out of his life. He stayed close by his son and it was this close relationship which made Jack follow onto his father’s path. This path, however, wasn’t only the path of a soldier, but also the path of an agent of one of the alphabet agencies. His father’s past made life at the ranch easier, because his Mom and his uncle didn’t need any lengthy explanations and Dr. Walter was used to not ask too many questions. He learnt it, when Jack’s father was still active. Now Dr. Walter passed on his tradition to his son. Yeah, around here, they were all a very traditional lot.

“The only thing which counts here is, do you trust him?” his uncle asked at the end with his deep-brown eyes fixed on him ready to detect any doubt. But he wouldn’t find it. There was none.

“I do. He would tell me if anything was true about these accusations,” Jack said, because he believed it. His uncle nodded. There was nothing left to say.

Jack returned to Mac to keep vigil only to find his mother’s lap dog curled together in Mac’s back and snoring. Jack knew better than to hush her away and let her stay with his kid. Maybe she could provide some comfort, too.

Dr. Walter came to check on Mac. Mac didn’t regain consciousness during the brief examination. The drugs had him still securely under. The doctor was concerned about Mac’s blood pressure and the amount of sedatives they must’ve pushed into his system, but there was nothing he could do about it. Mac had to sleep it off. He told them to check on Mac regularly and make sure that his breathing was steady. He cleaned the wound on Mac’s forearm and changed the dressing. It would heal just fine. Nothing to worry about. Then he had a thorough look at the shoulder which he commented with a “that looks bad” before he bandaged it more properly. Dr. Walter advised them to get the shoulder checked out as soon as Mac was in the state for it. This well-meant warning got Jack worried. He still couldn’t believe that it was Desi who had shot Mac. He had screamed at her how she could’ve possible done that. She had only shrugged her shoulders and told Jack that she needed to get Mac out of the way for a proper view. Otherwise it would’ve been Gwendolyn Heyes and Mac. He understood the reasoning, but told her that the next time, she should aim for the calf. Less damage, same effect. A shot in the shoulder was only harmless if it was executed in a straight line and with a small calibre. From an oblique angle and with a big calibre, it could cause quite some damage. Jack didn’t know whether this was the case with Mac. He knew that they had to remove the bullet which went in from behind, from the front and he also knew that bullet entered diagonally. His experience told him that Dr. Walter was right with his comment. He hoped that he wasn’t, though.

He watched his kid during the night and only dozed off for a few seconds. He wouldn’t leave his kid out of his sight. He saw the fine sheen of sweat covering Mac’s forehead. The drugs were leaving his system promising a hell of a hangover. If you wanted to really torture the kid, sedatives were the means to choose. The medical staff at the Phoenix didn’t get into the habit of patching the kid up under local anaesthesia for nothing. Mac just needed a lot of time to recover from such drugs and was easily fly on an ibuprofen high. Seeing him on morphine was definitely worth the fun. The aftermath, however, was less pleasant.

Mac woke up to a skull cracking headache. He didn’t dare opening his eyes. His mouth was dry and his tongue was too big for his mouth and felt like it was made of sandpaper. The sensation of a hangover from hell overrode the throbbing pain in his shoulder. He swallowed dryly to fend off the building sickness in his stomach. Jack saw that his kid was fighting his way back to the living and drew the curtains. The morning sun would only add to the pain. Jack once again brushed away a few strands of hair from Mac’s forehead what earned him a low grunt that acknowledged his presence. Mac felt the familiar gesture and probably would have worried about what Jack had gotten himself into, but he felt way too miserable as if he could form only one single thought. With all strength and courage that he could muster up, he pried his eyes open. The room was dark that helped, but not much. His skull felt like it was broken or as if his brain was swelling to double its size ready to burst out of his skull.

“Hey hoss,” Jack greeted his kid with a low voice. Mac still looked dazed. He was caught in a state between awareness and numbness.

“What…?” Mac wanted to ask Jack what happened, because he didn’t recognise the room he was in and he didn’t understand what caused the throbbing pain in his shoulder or why he felt so god awful, but Jack silenced him. Mac was not yet ready for any self-loathing. That could wait for a little longer. Jack offered him some water, but Mac declined. It would make him sicker and he wouldn’t make it in time to the next bathroom or bucket when it came running back. His limbs felt like they were made of rubber. Jack understood and gave Mac some time – time during which Mac remembered what happened. It came back in running images of disaster. He remembered the air strike against the compound. He remembered the fight beneath the dam. He remembered who kept him from having the blood of another human being on his hands and he felt endlessly grateful for it. He was about to say ‘thank you’, when Jack, who still could read his mind, took his hand and squeezed it while saying: “That’s my job. Nothing to thank me for.” And then the image of fatality hit Mac hard. The bullet, the buzzing sound of the bullet flying by his ear, the sharp and burning pain in his shoulder and the bloody rose blossoming on his aunt’s chest. Jack watched his kid struggling back into a coherent state of mind and it hurt him. He rather wished his kid would remain in a state of ignorance a little longer. The past events would weigh heavy on him and Jack wasn’t sure whether Mac was ready to face the music he had ordered with his solo-mission.

“Gwen?” Mac asked when he was a little more coherent. Jack didn’t reply immediately and Mac didn’t need an answer when he saw the shadow of grief dance over Jack’s face, his eyes turning even more gentle than before. Mac felt the sting in his heart, but suppressed the tears and sobs waiting on the edge to be finally allowed to fall. He didn’t give permission. They had known what they got themselves into. But it still hurt. He also understood that now he would never find out what happened to his Mom. He wouldn’t find out who killed her and what Russ had to do with Codex. He dreaded this void. It wasn’t in his nature to leave things unresolved. Thus, this void could easily swallow him. Jack watched a mix of unintelligible emotions wash over his kid’s face and he took his hand. There wasn’t much he could do.

“I’m sorry,” Jack said helplessly, because he was not sure what else he could say. Gwendolyn Heyes had been Mac’s last blood relative. Now he had lost her, too and suddenly Mac felt awfully lonely. He had never felt like that before. Not even, when he didn’t know where his father was, because he simply believed that he was there. It was this believe that had filled the spot of an absent family. Now, nobody was there to fill this spot. Mac tilted his head and Jack saw the question forming in Mac’s head, but he shook his head. It wasn’t the right time now. Mac anyway was too dazed to comprehend the complexity of the events that lay behind them. Jack also knew his kid. When he was coherent again, he would press Jack for information on what had happened and that was early enough for him to know. So, he didn’t tell Mac who shot his aunt. But he told him that Russ wanted Mac in custody for his actions. Russ wasn’t convinced of Mac’s innocence and clung to his accusation of defection until it was proved otherwise. Mac knew his case looked bad. There were pros and cons, but Mac knew that in a case of accused defection the cons usually weighed heavier. He had known that and taken the risk anyway.

“Sorry to ask this stupid question, but…did you?” Jack asked not even daring to speak those words, but Mac didn’t take it amiss. It’s been three years. People changed and Jack had all right to doubt him, too.

“Gwen and I tried to stop them, but I needed to be convincing,” Mac explained slurring his words as a lingering effect of the drugs. Jack took the words and treasure them, though. He believed Mac, because it was his kid speaking. This stunt was a trademark act demonstrating his kid’s inherited, prevailing lack of self-preservation and adjoining stupidity. Of course, his kid would do something like that when he had a choice between wait in safety and do something neck-breaking to stop whatever evil was out there.

“And why didn’t you talk to anyone?” Jack asked, because such a solo mission with the adherent risks was beyond stupid. It was impossible for Jack that his kid didn’t know what consequences would follow his actions. The more he was stunned that he didn’t let anyone in on his plan as some sort of life line.

“You weren’t there,” Mac mumbled revealing just how much he trusted Jack and how much he had missed him. It tore Jack’s heart apart to hear that there hasn’t been anyone there taking his place and that his kid had been without the much-needed support only Jack could provide him. During those three years Mac felt like he was falling free incapable to catch hold onto something or someone. And now? He was still falling, because Jack couldn’t help him. Mac messed up big time and Jack regretted those three years and felt responsible for what happened. He could’ve prevented this and he could’ve helped his kid through the hard times. And it would’ve been so simple. He simply could’ve stayed by his kid’s side instead of leaving him on his own. Jack watched his kid falling back to sleep. The short conversation had wiped him out.

When Mac woke up again, he felt a little less terrible. He took a few sips of water Jack offered him and the latter sensed where this was supposed to end and helped Mac to the en suite bathroom, where Mac broke into heavy and bone breaking heaves when his stomach rid itself from its contents. Jack rubbed soothing circles over Mac’s back. His t-shirt was drenched in sweat clung to his body like a second skin. Mac leant against the shower cubicle panting heavily, while pressing his hands tight against the side of his head that threatened to explode. Jack knew the drill and handed Mac another glass of water that came running back and ended up in the porcelain bowel. Mac was still pale and his face tinged green so Jack went on handing Mac some water, which the younger sipped only to throw it up again. At some point, Mac clung to the toilet bowl as if his life depended on it. Jack didn’t leave his side. He continued to rub soothing circles of comfort over Mac’s back and handed him a cloth to cool his face with. When Mac finally kept the water Jack handed him, Jack scraped Mac’s miserable limbs off the floor and guided him back to bed to let him sleep it off.

Meanwhile, Matty was furious, because Riley didn’t manage to download the data from the chip Jack had given her. She ran out of time. She had asked kindly and even yelled at Riley to eventually do her fucking job, apologised for it and told her about the importance of the chip, but nothing worked, because Riley never before had seen such a technology. It was high-tech of the newest generation. If you hadn’t developed this chip, it was impossible to read it. Riley was blocked. Matty saw it, saw that she was in two minds about what happened and it paralysed her. Matty tried to assure her that she had nothing to be afraid of, but it probably wasn’t very convincing after she had told Riley only shortly before that her failure could mean one innocent life being disposed in a black site.

Matty asked Bozer to analyse the video footage from Mac’s and Scarlett’s break out. Maybe Mac had left a subtle message there as well. But until now, nothing. Russ took whatever resources he had to find Jack and Mac. Not only Russ wanted to find them. Mac was a key-suspect gone missing and Russ took it personal.

“Matty, even if I wanted to believe that Mac’s innocent, I couldn’t sit here and do nothing. It’s not only a Phoenix business,” Russ defended his actions, while his beliefs faded. Mac had left messages and acted counter Codex. He still clung to the fact that Mac had been in contact with his aunt, though. She’s been Leland’s right hand. They’d been close to each other, worked together. But if what Scarlett told him during the interrogation was right? What if it was true that Gwendolyn Heyes had turned her back on Codex and reached out to her nephew to ask for his help? They would probably never find out the truth. He didn’t take it amiss that Matty supported Jack’s and Angus’ escape.

“Russ, what is it with you and Codex? What’s behind all this?” Matty would at some point ask when she remembered Mac’s accusations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: A little more fluff, because Mac deserves a short break. But Russ is still out there and he has an agenda. Will Matty be fast enough to stop him or will he get his paws on Mac again?


	18. Process of Belief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's start to wrap up some lose ends and get on the fluffy side for another chapter: After three years Jack and Mac get the time to talk and test where their friendship stays. Find out more about the ranch, while Matty is working fiercely in favour of Mac's case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this story and please excuse the length of this chapter. I had so much on my mind for this one.

And Russ spilled the beans, well not all. Only what he assumed Matty could find out on her own if she did some research. So, he told her that he had been part of a task force composed of agents from the CIA, CNI, BND, MI6. The ultimate purpose of that task force: stop and eliminate Codex. It had been his first big mission and it was the first time he led a team. Soon, however, he found out that hunting and stopping Codex was a difficult endeavour. Already back then, Codex operated through a global network organised in small terror cells. He admitted that he had become obsessive with Codex back then, but he had been successful or so it seemed. He circled Codex and was closer to them than ever. They wanted to recruit him. He had proven to be worth it. Then, he was supposed to meet the head of Codex. He had been blind and didn’t recognise the scam. He wouldn’t meet Leland, but a group of black clad soldiers who ruthlessly killed them with a hail of bullets. He was the only survivor and that only barely. He even told Matty about his second chance to take down Codex – his opportunity to take revenge for what happened to his team. This time he and his new team didn’t make any prisoners. There were no survivors on Codex side either, but it didn’t silence his desire for revenge. His bruised pride and shredded heart didn’t heal. They still hurt. He didn’t tell Matty about this tiny detail, but kept it for himself. This and that he did meet Ellen MacGyver both times. He didn’t tell Matty how Ellen MacGyver turned out to be the reason because of which his first team died. It was nothing but pathetic how a young agent fell for the innocent and natural beauty of a married woman. She had turned his head as if he was nothing but a boy falling in love. Matty didn’t need to know any of it.

“Russ, things like these leave scars and they never stop to hurt,” Matty replied, “You seek revenge and someone to blame for it. And I understand that. But Mac’s not the right target for that. Don’t get me wrong. Should the accusations turn out to be right and that he deluded us, I’ll personally make sure that he’ll be brought to justice. But I want that he gets a fair chance,” she told Russ.

After Jack helped Mac back to bed, his kid fell back to sleep immediately. He needed it, needed to sleep off the effects of whatever substance they had pumped into him. Jack stayed and kept vigil the whole day and night. He made sure that his kid didn’t dehydrate and made him drink some water and tea in between short phases of wakefulness. He wiped the sweat away from his forehead. He did all this while thinking about how he could clear his kid from all those doubts and concluded that only his kid himself could do so, but he was in no state to do that. Mac felt pathetic, because he was so dependent on Jack’s helping hands and those of his family. When he woke up again, Jack sat dozing in the arm chair next to the bed with a small, dark furred dog curled up on his lap. Jack didn’t look peaceful, though. Mac could feel the tension from Jack’s body from afar. Jack looked tired, sheer exhausted. The sight of Jack’s worn appearance made him feel bad. He felt bad for what he put Jack through so shortly after returning from his hunt for Kovacs. It wasn’t fair that he dragged Jack into his mess. Jack simply didn’t deserve that. He was supposed to rest and heal. Mac had seen the results of Kovacs torture and he was convinced that it not only left physical scars. Hell, Jack was supposed to take care of himself, not of Mac. He was supposed to enjoy his life after those goddamned three years, but not to clean up the mess Mac had produced within these three years. He wasn’t supposed to risk everything only for Mac. He wasn’t supposed to risk himself for Mac. It just wasn’t worth it.

Jack woke up to Mac tentatively staring at him. He could see the guilt in his kid’s eyes. There was a lot to talk about. But Jack decided he would give Mac, who still looked a little greenish around his nose, a chance to get civil before they plunged in into the deep but heavily needed conversation. He wasn’t the least surprised by the eagerness which met him when he offered Mac the prospect of a hot shower. And although Mac was still a little shaky, he was determined to manage on his own steam and Jack let him. He took it as a good sign and that his kid was recovering from whatever had been done to him. Mac could hardly wait to wash off the dirt from the last few days. There was, however, one hurdle to take which stood between him and a decent shower: the bullet wound in his right shoulder hindered him from lifting his arm properly. He tried to pull off his shirt, but his right arm simply wouldn’t raise with the left one. When a frustrated “fuck” reached Jack’s ears, it told him two things: his kid was at the end of his rope. The tremor of his voice conveyed not only frustration but a certain extent of despair, which made Jack highly alert. Most importantly, though, it told him that his kid needed his help. As swiftly as possible he entered the bathroom and saw his kid struggle with his shirt.

“C’mon, let me help you,” Jack said and carefully took Mac’s right arm, lifted it and then gently and as carefully as possible stripped Mac’s shirt off. He inspected the wound and took in a sharp breath. Desi indeed had done a number on Mac and he started to fear that the damage done was a lasting one. Jack assumed torn tendons, since Mac could barely lift his arm. But he hoped for the best, though. Until now, nobody had given him an accurate diagnosis on the shoulder. Mac, for his part, was not as optimistic as Jack. He has had his fair share of shoulder injuries. This time, there wasn’t a sore muscle or a broken bone blocking his movements. His arm simply didn’t react. The command given from his brain didn’t reach the recipient.

Meanwhile, Matty grew impatient with Riley’s non-progress regarding the chip Mac had left behind.

“Damn it, Riley, how difficult can it be to read such a chip?” Matty finally snapped exasperated. Russ was about to find out about Mac’s whereabouts soon and Matty knew what that meant. They would take Mac into custody and lock him up in some black site hidden away from the world. There would be no formal hearing, probably not even an interrogation. There was no fair trial waiting. Time was running out and Matty grew nervous. Riley could do nothing more but shrug her shoulders. More than once she had explained to Matty that this chip was of the newest generation, probably not even available on the market, yet. She wasn’t experienced with that technology. She felt awful about it, because something told her that her doubts had never been justified and that she held the evidence in her hands.

She took the chip into her hands and inspected it. She understood that this was Mac’s silver lining and no matter her doubts, she didn’t want to be responsible for Mac losing his last chance to explain himself. She had to do something. She didn’t want to be another person on Mac’s list of people who failed him. She took a closer look at the chip. It was small. Her computer didn’t have any appliance to read it. She looked at the case the chip was embedded in and went to Bozer’s lab. She wanted to find out what the case was made of. Bozer ordered an analysis and it came back with a result Riley had already suspected: magnesium. She could have kicked herself. It didn’t give her any hint on how to read the data stored on the chip, but she knew whom to ask. The solution had been in front of her eyes, but she didn’t see it. Her insecurities and doubts had made her blind for the obvious. She didn’t even consider that maybe she was part of a safety net Mac had secretly spun among his team. She failed him to an unexplainable dimension and her heart sank. She had never thought that she would do it one day, but she had let someone who was supposed to mean more to her than a friend down for her own self-preservation. She let the one person down who wouldn’t even think twice about risking his life for hers. She felt sick. She, of all people, should’ve seen it. She of all people should’ve believed in Mac. She didn’t and she couldn’t do anything about it now. She had to react and help Mac now. She cursed herself a few more times, but then dialled a familiar number. She was determined now. She would prove his innocence.

When Mac stepped out of the shower, he felt a little more decent to face the world – to face the Dalton family. To say he felt embarrassed about his first appearance on the ranch was an understatement.

“Ready to face the family?” Jack asked grinning like Cheshire cat. The sound of pots and pans rattling in the kitchen made Jack’s stomach churn with anticipation of what his Mom and Rosa – the maid – might have prepared for breakfast. Jack was confident that his Mom had already prepared enough to feed an army. She used to express her love through food and bear hugs. She taught him the meaning and importance of such hugs. Yes, Jack couldn’t deny that he felt happy to be home again. He was looking forward to catch up with his brothers and to tease his sister. When he guided Mac downstairs, he noticed the stunned glances Mac casted around. The house was furnished and decorated with love and care. Jack’s Mom loved it comfy and cosy. There was a lot of dark massive wood and big plush upholstery. And maybe Jack just failed to mention to Mac that the ranch was the heart of a big undertaking – a developing empire. The ranch supplied high quality meat to posh restaurants and hotels all over the country and they were now thinking about leveraging the European market as well. In the afterthought Jack should’ve prepared his kid a little better for this. But then again, there hadn’t been much time.

When they reached the next flight of stairs, Mac stopped. The wall was hung over and over with pictures of the family. He immediately spotted Jack: big grin and holding his High School diploma in the air. In another one, he was framed in the middle of what Mac suspected were his siblings. Jack looked happy on that picture and Mac wasn’t sure whether he had seen Jack that happy once. The guilt was back. He shouldn’t have kept Jack away from his family for that long. He wasn’t supposed to be away from his source of happiness for such a long time and he wasn’t supposed to risk it – not for Mac.

“Our ancestral portrait gallery. Impressive, isn’t it? We’re a big family. Look here, that’s Duke, my little brother. He’s the one taking care of the accounting and stuff. He’s a real bright guy. Didn’t need to go to the Army. Went straight to college. Here, this is Henry, my big brother. He joined the forces and now takes care of the cattle. He has really good instincts and can read the cattle like no one else,” Jack pointed at two men who unmistakably were related to Jack. They shared the grin and the same kind eyes. Jack, however, wasn’t ready yet: “Look here, that’s my sister Lucinda. She’s a little weird, but otherwise a good person. She’s doing marketing. And oh, don’t forget about Donald, my other brother. He’s taking care of sales and distribution,” Jack went on pointing at one picture after another and Mac had trouble following him. A knot formed in his stomach. Maybe, he was a little afraid to meet Jack’s family, but he would never admit to that. Then Mac’s gaze settled on another picture. It showed Jack in full dress together with an older white-haired man who had his strong arm wrapped tightly around Jack’s shoulder. It was the same big grin and the same kind eyes.

“Your Dad?” Mac asked hesitantly, not sure whether Jack’s father was a terrain he still had permission to enter after all those years. Mac was still insecure on what terms they stood.

“Yeah, that’s Pops. Man, he’s been so proud when I joined the Delta Forces. Couldn’t wipe off that grin for weeks,” Jack said before he abruptly shut his mouth when he realised that it was Mac he was talking to. As always, he got lost over the stories about his family. There was no topic he loved more to talk about. They were the most important people in his life. They gave him all support he needed and he loved them unconditionally as they loved him. He had simply forgotten that he was talking to someone who just recently lost his father and his aunt. He talked to someone who had just lost all his family and someone, who probably didn’t even know what family was nor meant and the last thing on his mind was to make his kid feel out of place because this.

“C’mon let’s head for the kitchen and grab something to eat. I’m starving,” Jack then said to change the topic. Mac didn’t have the heart to tell him that he felt anything else but hungry and this silence was rewarded the very second in which they reached the kitchen where the whole Dalton family had gathered for breakfast. The smell of sizzling bacon and scrambled eggs hit Mac’s still awfully sensitive stomach with force causing his stomach to turn inside out - again. Luckily, Jack noticed how all colour drained from Mac’s face and managed in time to guide him to the guest bathroom where Mac ended up heaving dryly and producing nothing but burning bile.

“Sorry,” Mac groaned when he slumped back against the cold tiled walls. Jack handed him a cloth to wipe his face with.

“Nothing to be sorry for. Should’ve seen that coming,” Jack replied apologetically knowing well that his kid now was looking desperately for the hole in the ground to disappear in.

When Mac was ready to get back onto his feet, Jack guided him outside to the porch avoiding passing by the kitchen. His kid needed some fresh air and maybe meeting the whole Dalton lot at once was a little overwhelming, too. They settled down on a swing hammock. The brisk morning air helped Mac to clear his head. The sight in front of him was amazing. There was a huge garden. The neatly mowed lawn was framed in rose bushes. Horses stood on the bordering pasture. On the other side were the cows grazing with their calves. He could hear the bulls growl in the distance. At the end of the garden was a small pond. Ducks drifted through water lilies. It was so peaceful. Mac relished that moment not able to remember when was the last time he had felt so calm. He was certain that he’s never seen something that beautiful before. It was easy to imagine why Jack loved it here. Jack gave Mac some time to let some of the ranch’s peacefulness sink into him. He needed it – deserved it. Jack’s Mom stepped out onto the porch followed by Rosa who carried a trey with breakfast.

“Here, drink this. It’ll help to settle your stomach. Mint and camomile,” Jack’s Mom placed a mug of hot tea in Mac’s hand cupping his cheek with the other one. Mac blushed instantly at the gentle gesture. He didn’t know how to react. Jack noticed Mac’s uneasiness and his heart stung, while witnessing how uncomfortable such a well-meant gesture made his kid feel. It was like it threw him for a loop. Well, Mac would have to put up with it and get used to it, because his Mom lost her heart to the kid the very second in which she saw him. She saw the person that Angus MacGyver was immediately. She looked behind all masks and walls, veils and scams. She had seen the abandoned and lost kid and she wanted to take him into her arms and never let him go. But Jack warned his Mom. Mac was skittish and not used to the Dalton way of showing affection. They had to proceed cautiously, because after all: Mac was a grown-up man who’s had more life experience than most men at the end of their days and has endured more pain than one should.

“Uh…thank you,” Mac replied insecurely.

“You’re welcome,” Jack’s Mom said and then disappeared to leave them to their business. Jack remained silent. He saw that Mac’s head was working. There were things which needed to be said and Jack would give Mac the space he needed. His kid has never been a person of many words. It took him a while to find the right words to begin with.

“I didn’t defect to Codex. I just didn’t have any other option left to stop them,” Mac finally said in the need to assure Jack that he really didn’t switch the sides. The day before was nothing but a blur and he wasn’t sure whether his semi-drugged testimony had been very convincing. He hoped Jack would believe him. He needed Jack to believe him. He didn’t realise that Jack believed him from the very beginning of this drama, because Mac thought that he was being realistic when he assumed that three years was a long time. The basis of their trust got shaken and he wouldn’t take it Jack amiss when he lost his ability to read Mac and distinct the truth from the small lies Mac used to keep Jack at distance with once in a while. Jack believed him. He had believed him when he told him that he didn’t defect the day before and he was adamant to believe him now, because it was the truth. It couldn’t be anything else, because his kid looked him into the eyes and they didn’t give away any reason to think he held something back.

“I needed to get inside and find out what they planned to stop them, but Russ wouldn’t let me near them. He doesn’t trust me. He thinks I would carry on my Mom’s legacy. Whatever that is,” Mac started telling Jack and Jack listened carefully picking up the subtle sadness his kid’s voice conveyed when he talked about his mother. Mac went on: “I don’t trust Russ, either, because this here is personal for him too, but he never talked to anyone about it. I got the impression that he had some personal vendetta going against Codex, but I have no proof,” and then Mac told Jack how he infiltrated Codex. He told him about his aunt who had reached out to him for help, after she realised what Codex actually planned – to destroy the planet instead of saving it. He told Jack that his aunt suspected that Codex was after him – Mac – because they thought he would finish what his mother had once begun. He also told Jack that he wasn’t sure about what his Mom had to do with Codex, but that his father had told him that she never supported the plans of killing billions of people to save the planet. Mac also told Jack that, somehow, he believed his father. He got to know that man and had trouble believing he would’ve been capable of sharing his life with a woman that pursued such crazy plans let alone that she would’ve been capable of hiding those from him. Jack didn’t know what to make of that piece of information. Somehow, he also couldn’t picture Oversight as a man who was easily kept in the dark. On the other hand, he had seen more men becoming blind with love than he was willing to admit. It hit the best. What Jack struck the most, however, was how clinically Mac talked about the past events. Accurate facts, but leaving out the inner perspective. Whatever could tinge Jack’s objectivity as judge of Mac’s miserable situation was left out with surgical precision, while Mac was not yet ready to face the inner perspective – his inner perspective.

Mac went on and told Jack that after he was reluctant to join Codex, they took Desi which had been the last straw. Jack understood. Mac wasn’t a man who let others pay his bills. It had never been easy for Mac to watch others suffer because of something he did or didn’t do. That was the reason why Mac used to jump head first into life risks. That was the reason for why he went on such a stupid solo mission. But that was his kid, the kid that locked himself up in a room together with a leaking canister of deadly nerve gas. Nothing off about it. But his kid had changed. He had become darker around the edges, rougher even. But his kid was still there hidden beneath some thick layers of callousness which threatened to suffocate him - Mac. It kept Mac effectively from having to deal with the inner demons which the past three years unleashed. This in itself he considered as a good thing, though.

Mac explained Jack that Codex didn’t seek to save the planet, but to install a new world order with Leland as the leader who decided who was worth living and who wasn’t. That idea sent chills down Jack’s spine and he believed that Mac was no traitor, because he would have never been able to decide over life and death. Mac also told him about the chip he used to store as much information on Codex’s network on as he could gather in such a short time.

“You know, the thing with the chip was really gross, dude,” Jack commented on that one and Mac simply asked him what else he was supposed to do. Mac hoped that Riley could read the chip, because that was his life line and it contained enough information to initiate a global counter act against Codex and to help Russ fulfil his plan to finally eliminate them. Mac hoped that then he would finally spill the beans and tell him why he had been so awfully obsessed with it. Mac really hoped that afterwards things would get back to some sort of normal. But Jack also concluded that there was one more thing Mac was oblivious about: if Codex was still out there and if they were really after him, then he was still in danger himself. He kept that thought to himself. Mac would probably shrug it off while not sensing that maybe there were a few people out there who would mourn his loss. This was something to tend to another time.

“Would it have worked? I mean, if they had set off the bomb, would it have meant the end of the planet?” Jack asked of interest.

“Nope. Remember Eyjafjallajökull? The Iceland volcano that erupted? Some dust, a few days dim light and less air traffic. Nothing major, but the dam would’ve burst and valleys beneath would have been flooded. Evacuation was impossible at that time,” Mac explained to him and it calmed Jack that they haven’t even been near the destruction of the planet.

They fell back into silence and Mac took a few sips of tea. Jack saw some colour return to his kid’s cheeks. Now Jack knew what happened and now it was time to figure out how clear Mac from any doubts. Sure, the chip would help, but what if that part of the plan didn’t work out?

“Do you know what happened to my aunt?” Mac asked. He knew that she died, but he needed to know how - who. He looked at Jack who didn’t have the heart to tell his kid what really happened. Mac saw in Jack's eyes that this was bad. Jack shook his head. The words wouldn’t leave his mouth.

“Who?” Mac simply asked seeing the inner fight Jack was battling.

“Russ shot her,” Jack finally managed to say. Mac accepted the answer. He should’ve expected it.

“Why does he hate me so much?” Mac mumbled rather to himself than addressed to Jack, but it broke Jack’s heart anyway. Jack scooted a little closer to his kid and put an arm around his shoulder tucking him a little closer. He wanted to let his kid know that he was there and that he – Mac - wasn’t alone. Mac hadn’t told Jack about the little note he left for Russ when he escaped with Scarlett. It obviously didn’t fulfil its purpose and Mac drew his own conclusions from it. They left only little room for optimism for his case.

“When were you actually going to tell me that the ranch is a little more than the small cattle farm as which you used to describe it?” Mac suddenly broke the silence in the need for some normal Jack and Mac banter and Jack picked up on it.

“I was waiting for the right point of time. I wanted to make sure that you love me for myself and not only for my money,” although Jack was convinced that his kid did just that – love him for the person he was.

In L.A. Matty screamed at Russ: “Damn it, Russ! Mac helped us. He didn’t work against us!” after she pointed out the facts: Mac led them to the compound. He knew about the chip and replaced it with a more advanced one. Mac had tried to stop Leland. Desi had been a witness and testified it, after Matty confronted her with Jack’s description of what happened beneath the dam. The longer she thought about it, the more obvious it became to her.

“But Codex is still out there. His mother’s heritage still very much alive and I want to know what he knows. If he cooperates, I’m sure we’ll come to an agreement. But as long as he behaves like a suspect on the run, it’s hard to believe him,” Russ countered. He was angry. They did cross Codex’ plan, but didn’t have enough intel to finally eliminate that group. Neither Matty nor Russ knew that Mac had already forwarded that information to them.

“Matty, it’s his choice. I’ll leave it to him,” Russ said: “but as long as Codex is still out there, I won’t cross the bridge that he’s still on our side.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: Russ once more pushes Mac into the corner. Does Mac have another ace upon his sleeve to fend off Russ or will he surrender? What will Jack do to protect his kid?


	19. Pushed Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Russ finally knows where Jack and Mac hide. Riley found out how to read the chip. Matty finds out something else. A race against time, while we also find out about those three years in which Jack hunted Kovacs.

With Rick’s help, Riley finally found a way to read the chip. Unfortunately, in the meantime Russ had found out where he would find Mac and Jack. He promised Matty to give Mac a chance, to leave him a choice. Matty, however, wasn’t convinced that there was an actual choice. Russ had reached a state of blindness which made him incapable to evaluate the facts unprejudiced. It was blindness induced by a trauma that he had never overcome. He couldn’t let another MacGyver ruin his plans of stopping and eliminating Codex for good. He didn’t see that Mac actually helped him and aimed for the same goal but for different reasons and with different means. He wasn’t capable of interpreting the hard facts. His opinion was tinged by the fear of yet another conspiracy.

Matty realised that Russ was about to lose focus. The only way to stop and keep him from doing something he would regret later, while protecting Mac from the stigmatisation as traitor, was to clear Mac and convince Russ. For this, she re-watched the video footage of Mac’s escape with Scarlett again and again. Her mind stopped at the same scene over and over again: Mac bent down to retrieve the gun from Russ’ hand. That seemed odd by itself. But there was something about how he grabbed for the gun, too. She watched it again. Mac didn’t grasp for the barrel, but took its grip which was still in Russ’ hand. That seemed unnatural. A quick grasp for the barrel and then run. She zoomed the picture to Mac’s hand. He hid the thumb beneath his palm instead of stretching all fingers towards the weapon. That was strange. He reached for Russ’ gun and then wrapped his fingers around it – all of them. She rewound the tape and watched it again, this time slower. She watched how Mac nudged Russ’ hand before reaching for the gun. She watched how he grabbed the gun with four fingers before he used his thumb, too. She zoomed closer to the hand and re-watched the scene again in slow motion focusing on the thumb and the space between thumb and index finger. She stopped the video when she thought to have seen something. Something bright in contrast to the black background. And she paused the video and zoomed closer. A piece of paper. He slipped a piece of paper into Russ’ hand. She grabbed her phone. She needed to find out more about it. She only got through to Russ’ voice mail. That was not good. She stormed out of the war room and bumped into Desi who didn’t know where Russ was or why he had his mobile switched off, while in real she knew that he was on his way to drag Mac’s sorry ass back to the Phoenix. Finally, he would have to answer for his actions.

“Did he tell you what was on the piece of paper Mac gave him before he and Scarlett took off?” Matty asked her. The bewilderment in Desi’s face told her that she didn’t know. Her stomach twisted. That video left a bitter taste to Russ’ actions. They’ve been all too focused on Mac, because of obvious reasons. Now she realised that she should’ve had an eye on Russ, too. And now after Russ told her about his Codex related past, she wasn’t sure whether Mac was just a pawn or an actual target. Mac had reached out to them, at least twice. They had let him down, at least twice. It was that moment in which Riley chose to let her know that they were downloading the data from the chip. ‘They’ in that case meant Riley and some guy called Rick who was befriended with Mac and worked for the NSA. He was an IT-specialist who invented the chip Mac had used and apparently Riley knew this Rick after Mac introduced them to each other and the whole puzzle fell into place and Matty cursed herself for not having seen any of it before. Why did it never occur to her that Mac was a strategist just like his father? Mac had put up a safety net among his team, but it didn’t work, because said team didn’t look close enough and was too focused on the obvious.

She followed Riley to the war room. The download process was slow. The data was huge, but there were already first pieces visible. It was background information on the plan they just came to cross and folders about different cells: Barcelona, Zaragoza, New York City, Washington D.C., Rom, Hamburg. Matty regretted not to have spoken more openly about what she had thought about Mac’s defection and she regretted not to have taken his side. She again tried to reach Russ and to stop him from whatever he was about to do. She didn’t even know what that was and it scared her. Did he come up with the cavalry or did he, true to his word, go to Mac and to talk to him – leaving him an actual choice?

In Texas, Mac and Jack sat on the porch in silence. It was the comfortable silence both had been missing during those three years. They didn’t need words to feel the other’s presence. Sitting there within earshot and in each other’s sight was enough, because they knew the other was there ready to defend or protect. Whatever was needed. They created a cocoon of comforting silence around themselves. Damn, did Jack miss his kid during those three years. At first it felt like missing a limb, his right arm – his sniper arm. He had trouble functioning. At some point he functioned, though, but it was because he got used to having lost his limb. It never grew back. He wasn’t the same without Mac. Mac provided security. No matter how hopeless a situation was, Mac always persuaded him that there was a way out and Mac always found that way. That was Mac’s thing to do: save the day, go home and have few cold beers and pizza. He missed those evenings with his kid in which he felt simply normal. He wasn’t a soldier, a Delta or a spy then. He was simply Jack Dalton from Texas and Mac never failed to let him know that this was perfectly enough. It grounded him. Mac grounded him.

Mac, however, was oblivious to all this. He took advantage of Jack and his big heart and dragged him down with him. It was selfish. It was unfair, but Jack was the only person in his life he trusted unconditionally. He was the only person he could rely on and Jack sensed that this was the reason for why Mac didn’t talk to anyone of the team – the “family” - about his plan and his reasoning, before he left for Codex. It pained Jack to realise that nobody of their little family had been there for his kid or had been enough for his kid. Nobody has had what Mac needed to protect him from himself and it had hurt to witness how they’ve been at a loss, unsure of how to interpret Mac’s actions. They have proven to be incapable of handling Mac. In Jack’s head a picture arose which made him shudder. It was the picture of Mac as the family’s pet everybody liked to have fun with, but nobody wanted to take the responsibility for. It was wrong. All it needed was to make Mac feel that he belonged. That feeling left together with Jack, when he went to hunt Kovacs.

Jack felt Mac’s eyes on him. He turned around to meet those blue eyes. His kid was still plagued by the fatigue of the blood loss. Jack’s Mom fed him with lots of red fruit tea and berries to help with it. They didn’t have the heart to tell her that it was only of little help, if at all. Mac’s worry grew. He still couldn’t lift his arm and Jack was right. He really should have a doctor have a look at it. He couldn’t bring himself to get it done, though. Not while the sword of Damocles hung over his head threatening to rush down on him. Anyway, there were more important things to take care of. He had to make sure that Jack was alright. Mac has been circling around his own problems for too long. It was time to step out of his selfish bubble and turn to Jack.

“How are you?” Mac for this simply asked, because he saw that those three years left the one or other mark on Jack. Jack didn’t answer right back and let his gaze wander to the horizon. Dark clouds were telling him about an upcoming storm and he understood Mac’s need to get things straight before the storm approached and they were caught in the middle of it.

“I’m okay or rather getting there,” he responded not taking his eyes off the horizon while he absentmindedly rubbed his leg. He became sensitive to the weather. He felt Mac’s eyes burn his skin. Of course, this was not enough for an answer, especially not after he admitted to not being fine. This rang all alarm bells in Mac and his worry surged. He should’ve been thinking about this earlier.

“It’s been a rough three years,” Jack stated sensing that his kid was about to blame himself for this. He told Mac about those three years at least what he remembered. It was difficult to separate the countless number of events which blurred into one messy and endless brawl. Mac saw that it wasn’t easy for Jack, but he wanted to tell Mac. Mac, he could tell anything. With his family it was a little difficult. Although they knew he had a secretive job, they were willing to listen. It was, however, different to talk to someone whom he could tell the whole story without having to leave out bits and pieces or cover up the real shit. It was easier to talk to someone to whom he could reveal the dark facts, which hunted him at night and had a cold grip around his heart.

So, Jack told Mac that the first year wasn’t that bad. They cleared out one hideout after another and chased Kovacs around the globe. And then he made a mistake and Kovacs made full use of it. Yes, the first year wasn’t that bad. No losses on their side and Kovacs becoming nervous. But then they ran out of luck. Jack suspected that it was that point of time when the mole was activated. Hell broke loose in Tres Fronterras, a black spot in a South American region squeezed in between Columbia, Venezuela and Brazil. The claims of power were unresolved with all three countries claiming the region being part of their sovereignty. For this, it was a lawless and rough region. Perfect for Kovacs and his business. They waited for the night to take down the fortress from Kovacs. They never carried out their plan, because they didn’t enter the region unnoticed. Kovacs knew that they were there and where they were. They got no chance to realise this plan. As soon as the dark night swallowed them,they were surrounded and caught in a messy cease fire. Jack lost half of his team. Jack survived with nothing more but a scratch. The bad conscience of the survivor prevailed and had its grasp tightly around Jack. He should’ve seen that it was a trap and warned his team. His team had been his responsibility. It had been his job to protect them. But he didn’t. He failed. This weighed heavy on him and he was sure that he would never obtain salvation for his doings in that night and the years that followed.

“You know that it wasn’t your fault, right?” Mac told him, because there had been a mole and there was nothing Jack could’ve possibly done. A mole in the chain of command was worse than anything else and it was dangerous. Mac shuddered at the thought of what risk Jack had been at. It reminded him of how close he had come to lose Jack while he was totally oblivious to it. Jack nodded in reply, because rationally he knew that Mac was right. But emotionally, he couldn’t shake off the feeling of responsibility.

After that event, the hunt had become fiercer and more despaired and then Jack made a mistake. And another one. And another one. They should’ve abandoned the mission, but he kept on with it. He sought vengeance. He owed it to those who died in the action. He became obsessed. He should’ve stopped himself and given the command to someone else. He couldn’t be blamed for the mole, but for his ill sense of judgement. Mac thought that after such a massacre, the remaining team should’ve been called back home. Things like that dragged you down. It was like quick sand. The more you struggled the deeper you sunk in and the less you could actually move. Then, Kovacs caught Jack and his remaining team in Nicaragua. They had hoped for a quick death, some even begged for it. But no such luck. They faced weeks of torture. Days full of beatings and electrocution, water boarding and other yet unnamed methods of cruelty. Jack told Mac that at some point, he accepted to never come back home again. He had accepted to die in the hell hole Mac had rescued him from. He had accepted that he would never get a chance to say goodbye. And it hurt Mac to hear that Jack had been ready to give up, but then Jack surprised him by saying that he wanted to, but couldn’t. Something had been there holding him afloat. Somewhere in his fuzzy and mangled mind he had known that Mac would come for him and he didn’t want to disappoint his kid. Mac felt the heavy weight of the responsibility that had rested on his shoulders crash down on him.

“And when all this is over, the two of us take some time off and go on a very long vacation,” Jack closed his story and cupped the back of Mac’s neck with his hand. Mac instantly relaxed under the warmth of his hand. Jack’s Mom stepped onto the porch distracting them from the heavy conversation by setting a trey with more red tea for Mac and blue burry muffins in front of them.

“Boys, you need to eat more. There’s nearly no meat left on your bones,” she scolded them. Jack, indeed had lost some weight, but that was hunting Kovacs and then being held and tortured got you. Mac on the other hand, had always been on the skinny side and Jack witnessed with amusement that his mother had joined the club of “how to fatten Mac up”. By the sight of Mac, one person wasn’t enough and as much as Jack believed that Bozer had done his outmost, he’s done a poor job. Jack’s Mom firmly handed each of them a muffin.

“Thank you, Mrs. Dalton,” Mac replied all the polite, decent boy he was raised to, but shy and uncomfortable around so much attention and affection. Jack remembered the time back in the sandbox when he had started to actually care about the scrawny burger-named kid. He still remembered the disbelief on Mac’s face when he implied that he stayed for Mac. He also remembered how hard Mac tried to push him away afterwards. Mac simply didn’t want to grow too attached to Jack suspecting he would leave anyway, because at some point of time they all did. It had taken some time and even more fussing until it sunk in that Jack was meant to stay.

“You’re welcome Angus,” Jack’s Mom replied and again cupped Mac’s cheek, “but please call me Edith,” she said and Mac ears turned beet red. Jack had a hard time to suppress his laughter, because no matter how sad the background of this story was, it was hilarious how Mac’s self-esteem shrunk to a non-existence around Jack’s mother. It held a glimpsed of what he pictured was the young Angus MacGyver.

“Okay, Mrs…Edith,” Mac stuttered overwhelmed by Edith’s affection and Jack finally burst into laughter.

“Stop it Jack and show Angus the stables. I’m sure he’d like to see more of the ranch than just the porch,” she scolded him and slapped him with the dish towel she held in her hand. Jack got up, but didn’t stop laughing.

“Then c’mon hoss. We don’t want to be on the wrong end of my Mom’s path,” he said and Mac followed him. They walked slowly. Jack was limping. The strain from the past few days caught up on him and it definitely didn’t help the healing process. Mac himself felt still a little wobbly. It was like in old days: bruised and beaten to hell and back, but still alive.

Jack started to tell Mac the story of the ranch while showing him the stables. The horses were mainly out on the pasture. That the ranch became such a successful undertaking had rather been an accident. Jack’s father and his brother – Frank - had actually wanted to breed horses. It all started with a small number of cattle for their own use. But then, on the 4th of July, the Dalton’s gave a big party with BBQ. Of course, they served steaks and burger from meat of their own cattle. Turned out that Jack’s father had a good hand in cattle breeding, too. The meat had a high quality and soon they had offers from local supermarkets and butchers that offered to sell their meat. Jack’s Dad decided that it could do no harm and started to sell the meat. A few years later, the Daltons sold their meat nationwide. Jack was proud and Mac was, too. This was an amazing story and Mac came just to think of how much he had missed Jack’s Texas stories.

“I missed you, you know?” Mac said, because, somehow, he wasn’t sure whether he would get a chance to do so otherwise. Jack stopped and turned to Mac. He looked so young and so vulnerable and there was so much hurt in those eyes. He stepped forwards and pulled his kid into a tight hug.

“I know,” he said pressing Mac’s head a little closer to his chest, “I know.”

“Angus MacGyver!” Suddenly a stern and dreaded voice echoed through the stables. Jack’s blood froze in his veins. They turned around. Russ approached them. He was alone. Mac knew instantly that this meant no good news. Both, Mac and Jack straightened themselves growing to their full height.

“What do you want?” Jack hollered and switched into his protection mode.

“I want to make a deal with Angus,” Russ said stepping closer to them, “If he comes back with me now, I promise we’ll find an arrangement we can all live with,” Russ offered. Mac was about to speak up, but Jack silenced him by shoving him behind his back.

“And what if he doesn’t come with you?” Jack asked not trusting this Taylor guy for a second.

“I’ll come back with my team and we’ll take him into custody, officially,” Russ replied. Mac stepped forward. “I’m going with you,” he said intending to show that he had nothing to hide, nothing to answer for. This could be his best chance to get out of it. He probably would shed some feathers but might come out of this otherwise mainly unscathed.

“Are you nuts? Mac, this won’t be a fair deal. The cards are stacked against you,” Jack retorted. He didn’t understand how Mac could be so naïve after all what happened, after all what Russ had done to him. He didn’t understand how Mac could still trust that guy. It was unbelievable. Mac didn’t trust Russ. Didn’t trust him at all, but from his point of view give in and surrender was the better option.

“Angus, you have two options: A) you come with me voluntarily and we’ll find a solution without anyone taking any harm or B) I’ll come back with my team and we’ll turn this ranch upside down and take you into custody. There’ll be a lot of attention and I’m not sure what it’ll do to the reputation of your business, Mr. Dalton, if the evening news report about a raid on your ranch,” Russ knew he was pushing the right buttons. Mac would never allow for something like this to happen to Jack. Jack realised what this guy was up to and his blood was boiling. He was about to punch the Taylor guy into the face, but was held back by Mac.

“Jack…,” he was about to start, when Russ decided to push a little harder: “I forgot about option C) Codex comes here to get you, Angus. You know their methods. Remember Desi. They won’t be gentle.” That stopped Mac. Codex was still out there. His plan failed. He didn’t collect sufficient intel to stop them. He knew what that meant. Russ was right. He had to leave the ranch. Otherwise, Jack and his family would be the next target after Desi. Mac was about to step forward to let Russ take him. Jack was furious. How could his kid voluntarily turn himself in?

“You forgot option D),” came a deep baritone from behind. Jack’s uncle Frank came up to them with an old shotgun aiming at Taylor, “Leave my property or I’ll shoot you a new one,” Frank growled. Russ stepped back instinctively raising his hands in surrender.

“If Angus comes with me, we’ll have no problem,” he tried again. The echo of the shotgun being fired rang though the stables.

“I’m not negotiating. So, you’d better leave or I’ll make use of my right to shoot you,” Jack’s uncle said.

“Okay, okay. You’re all aware of the consequences,” Russ said and then left. Mac shook his head. He had caused a good mess and now he dragged Jack and his family with him. This was awfully wrong. Jack wanted to talk to Mac, but he walked straight past them. He had to think. He was becoming a risk. A risk for others. He endangered those who should matter most to him: Jack and his family. After all they had taken upon themselves, they deserved that Mac found an end to it. His plan failed and although he had known about this possibility, he was devastated.

“Angus, Jack’s right. You won’t get a fair trial!” Frank called after Mac, but he didn’t listen. He had to make a call. There was no other way. He and his aunt had talked about this possibility. Codex won’t stop: “You have to eliminate them with one strike, otherwise you and everybody you love will be in danger. Codex is loyal and Codex is vengeful. You betrayed them. They won’t forgive you and they’ll seek vengeance,” the words his aunt had spoken to him swirled around in his head. Well, he never took into consideration to survive this anyway. He shouldn’t have survived this, but joined his aunt and his parents. That was supposed to be his destiny. Apparently, though, he’s been wrong and now Jack and his family would have to pay for his mistake either way. If not Codex, Russ would tear down what they had built. He couldn’t let that happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: Find out how Mac reacts to Russ' visit at the ranch. And find out more about Matty's discovery.


	20. Me and Bobby McGee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac does have another ace upon his sleeve, does he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This chapter will mention suicide/suicidial topics. If you're not comfortable with reading such content, please don't read this chapter.

Matty was busy coordinating all Phoenix teams available. The war room was buzzing with energy. It wasn’t the first time she led and coordinated such a big op. This here was different, though. It wasn’t for the fact that her teams were now scattered all across the globe: London, Cape Town, Barcelona, Washington D.C. That was her everyday business. But this time all teams worked towards the same goal – clear out all Codex cells which were strewn around the world and clear Angus MacGyver from any lingering doubts. The latter one being her secret priority. Missions like these never lost this one special tension. It was these ops, which got her adrenaline fuelled. It pushed her to her best and she was hyper-focused. She had everything and everyone in view and she was determined to bring every single team and every single agent back to the Phoenix including MacGyver. When Riley eventually managed to download all information saved on that chip, they were confronted with Codex’ dimension. Russ didn’t lie about it. It was huge and it was dangerous. Now they prepared for the final strike without Russ, who was still out there chasing ghosts and she hoped he would find out soon that he was following the wrong track. Mac wasn’t the enemy. Codex was. Mac had infiltrated them and provided the Phoenix with as much information as he had been capable of gathering. It was enough to put an end to it. There were still some open questions, though. What stood on the paper which Mac had left for Russ when he took off with Scarlett and why didn’t Russ mention it? Her track of thoughts was interrupted by an assistant who handed her an envelope. She looked at it. Who wrote letters in the year of email and short messages? She turned it around. It was addressed to her. The tiny, but neat handwriting told her whom this letter was from and she opened it. Her blood froze in her veins and she speed dialled a number praying that she could prevent the worst from happening.

Jack was surprised to hear his mobile ringing. Only few people knew he had one and even fewer knew the number. He was even more surprised to see that it was Matty who called him. He picked up, but got no chance to ask for the reason for her call.

“Jack, where’s Mac?” she yelled into the phone. She was nervous. She never was. That got him alerted. If Matty was nervous, the shit hit the fan.

“I don’t know…” Jack replied reeling for any clues on what went on.

“Then go, find him now!” she screamed harshly. Her voice left no room for further questions, at least she thought so.

“Matty, why?..What…” Jack wanted to asked confused, but was cut off.

“Stop asking questions and find Mac! I sent a chopper,” she said and then hung up leaving Jack alone with his questions, but alert enough to know that something was going on and that he better found out what it was. He ran to the kitchen where he found Rosa and his Mom preparing supper.

“Have you seen Mac?” he asked them.

“He wanted to go for a walk. He seemed a little distressed. I told him that the creek was a nice place to think things through,” she told him. Concern was written all over her face. Jack nodded and took the keys for the jeep from the keyboard while telling his Mom to tell some of the workers to go and look for Mac. They needed to search the whole ranch. His heart was pounding hard against his chest. Whatever it was, it was nothing good. His spidy senses weren’t only tingling. They were screaming.

Meanwhile, Matty had sent a chopper and a search party to look for Mac from the air. Russ, who was oblivious to the events that took place during his absence, entered the war room. He fumed with fury because Mac refused to turn himself in. This only complicated things. And he was angry for how the Daltons treated him. They chased him away from the yard like he was some stray dog. He wouldn’t put up with this. This was unacceptable. They were hiding a traitor. Conspiracy was everywhere, he thought. Matty spotted him and she grew livid. She was convinced that if Russ had piped down instead of throwing around wild accusations, they wouldn’t sit in this mess now. This man stopped at nothing and now it was one of her agents paying a way too high price for it if it turned out that she was too late. She couldn’t hold back any longer and although all of them had been a little bit blind, it was Russ from whom she had expected to remain cool headed and objective.

“Do you need any more evidence?” she hissed, slapped the letter hard against his chest and stormed off. She had to rescue an agent.

Jack drove like a maniac. One should think that his kid had already used up the quota of stupidity to which he was entitled. Turned out Jack was wrong. It had taken him fucking three years to get back to his kid. He wouldn’t allow anyone taking him away from him now. Not Codex and especially not this Taylor guy. And he cursed himself. He had been there. He had witnessed how this Taylor guy had pushed all the right buttons. He had wanted to give Mac some space before addressing what this guy had said. Jack slammed his hands hard against the steering wheel. Since when was the creek so damn far away from the ranch? And how was it possible that his kid in his state got so far? He hadn’t thought that Mac was that fit. Count on his kid and his fucking stubbornness. How he hated him and his ability to give him one grey hair after another. He surely would be the reason for his first heart attack. Then he reached the creek. He stopped the car. It was the moment which Matty chose to call again and ask for any progress. Jack had found Mac. From the windshield he could see the body lying still on the banks of the creek. Matty asked for Mac’s status, but Jack didn’t reply. Panic and fear surged and his attention narrowed down to a tunnel vision strictly fixed on the body lying in the dirt in front of him. He ran towards this still form life pouring out of it.

They were taught that the survival of the others and the success of the ultimate mission was their first priority. If you got caught without prospect of being rescued and when you reached your breaking point – ready to talk and send everyone to doom – then it was your job to stop yourself. If your existence endangered the existence of all others, it was your job to take care of it. It was your job to wipe out your very own existence. They handed you those tiny pills assuring you that it would be quick and painless. They all hoped to never have to make that decision while knowing that the chances that you would have to do so were very real. The mere thought of it was scary.

Jack ran to his kid ignoring the pain shooting through his leg – an immense biting in his calf. And then in a swift motion he dropped down to his knees hovering over his kid. Mac’s face was ashen pale, lips greyish blue, but Jack gently slapped his face maybe he could coax a reaction out of the motionless body. Nothing. Jack ran his knuckles over Mac’s breast bone hopes resting on the annoying sensation. He received nothing. His kid wasn’t breathing anymore. He heard Matty’s voice scream through his mobile, but he didn’t pay any attention. He tried useless attempts of CPR pressing down hard on Mac’s ribcage again and again until the bones gave in and then pushed air into Mac's lungs. Jack did it again and again, but it got him nowhere. And he tried. And he failed. He tried again. He failed again. At the end even he realised that there was nothing left he could do despite to sit down and cradle his kid in his lap rocking him back and forth like a mother that rocked her child to sleep. And he sat there rocking and brushing strands of blond hair out of his kid’s face. He pecked the top of his kid’s head while an endless stream of tears flowed down his cheeks. He pressed the lifeless body tightly against his chest nearly crushing it, because maybe if his kid only felt that he was loved, he would turn around and come back to him. He broke into violent sobs. He cried. He screamed. He couldn’t stop. His body vibrated with grief. His body shook violently with void. He’s never been in greater despair before. It was unbearable – unsurvivable. When the chopper eventually arrived, his uncle came and took his kid out of his arms and folded Jack into a wordless hug.

There was nothing left to say when they – Riley, Bozer, Desi, Russ and Matty – sat in the war room listening to a voice message Mac had left for Russ, before he went onto his solo mission. The note Mac had given Russ had been a simple code easy to decipher. The last numbers: 13 06 1988 was Bozer’s birthday. He then was the one indicating that capital B could stand for the flip side of a record. It was also Bozer, who found out that 11 01 1971 represented the publishing date of Janis Joplin’s last record “Pearl”, released posthumously. It was “Me and Bobby McGee”. And indeed, Mac had manipulated the record that Jack and Bozer had found lying on the record player. Mac had left a message for Russ and it was audible that he considered that Russ might not listen to or forward it:

_Dear Russ,_

_I think at this point it is fair to say that I’m not the only one for whom Codex is some personal business. I guess it’s a fifty-fifty chance that this message will fulfil its purpose to let you in on the plan and to function as a safety net for upcoming doubts regarding my loyalty._

_With my aunt’s help I’ll infiltrate Codex. I’ll try to collect intel and prevent them from whatever they plan. I have to rely on your help and on the Phoenix, though. So, things could get a little rough if you’ll wait too long. But I doubt that. You’re obsessed. I count on this chance to get to Codex and that it will trigger your actions, fast._

_My aunt knows that she has made a mistake and she's ready to answer for it. But at first, she’ll take the responsibility for what happened and I’ll help her._

_I don’t know whether you’ll get this message and what you’ll do with it. At the end it’ll only be the two of us, who’ll know the truth._

These were the words spoken from Mac while all Phoenix teams were scattered around the globe to clear out one Codex Cell after another destroying the global network and eliminating the threat Codex posed on everyone. Matty looked at to her team. Desi was pale. Bozer cried silent tears and Riley tried to comfort him by gently rubbing his upper-arm. Riley didn’t know what to feel. She was numb. She didn’t deserve to shed a tear over a friend whom she had betrayed at first. Matty’s eyes fell on Russ. He realised his mistake. He had lost his objectivity, while Mac had counted on him to retain it. He swallowed thickly. He had fucked up.

“There will be consequences,” Matty said and then got up. She had to make some phone calls and arrangements.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: Jack's dealing with the aftermath of what happened.


	21. Pure Mourning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of Mac trying to escape from everything.

Mac surfaced slowly from beneath a thickly liquid covering and holding onto him. Its heavy weight pushed him back under and he let it happen not fighting the forces pulling him down into a dark ocean. But there was something pushing and pulling into the opposite direction. It dragged him onto the surface. And when he felt the dull ache in his head and the throbbing pain in his shoulder, he knew he was about to return to the land of the living. It truly surprised him. He didn’t expect that.

After a while there was this annoying beeping-sound of a heart monitor and this itch of a nasal cannula in his nose, the oxygen tickled annoyingly. He wished he could return to the depth he was emerging from.

Jack sat by his beside. His eyes were red and puffy from crying. His appearance was overall dishevelled – scruff – from living through the trauma of losing his kid – his son by heart. It’s been so damn close. In fact, it’s never been closer. Cairo had been far away compared to the last stunt his kid had pulled. This time had been pure luck. The medics Matty had sent with the chopper said that he had saved his kid’s life after all. It hadn’t been futile. He wasn’t convinced and at the end he didn’t care who or what pulled his kid’s sorry ass back to the living. Someone or something did and that was all that mattered. All he knew was that it was the last straw. He would probably never overcome this. Nobody could ever make up for this. And he looked at the pale and still form lying in a hospital bed and he could feel the lifeless body in his arms again. He shuddered. He once more shook his head in disbelief. Anger and worry took turns in occupying his heart. He worried about what had driven Mac that far that he didn’t see any other way out. He worried about his kid’s mental state and about what those fucking three years had done to him. And then there was anger – sheer fury – about his kid and how he could so easily throw his life away without even wasting as much as a second thought about what it would do to Jack. Jack had trouble to understand how his kid could so easily give up and end his life for nothing. It was a selfish thing to do and this selfishness and egoism caused a blazing fire of fury surge in his heart. He had been there. Mac could’ve come to him, but he didn’t. Jack was angry, because Mac had put him through this, made him face his worst nightmares and biggest fears – made those become reality. It churned a deep-rooted angst he had never felt before and he was helpless against it. The real chance of losing his kid had triggered something he had never felt before and he could’ve lived without having experienced it. It was fear, failure, grief, helplessness, insecurity all at once. It was unbearable. He thought he was about to break apart. It had been so definite. He had to watch it happen. It had been the first time he didn’t know how to go on. He had been ready to just jump after his kid. Why going on if he lost his purpose? Why going on when the most important person in his life left him behind? Abandoned him?

Mac’s head felt achy and fuzzy. The heaviness was leaving his body. The sounds surrounding him became louder and he knew that there was no way, but to face the world – again. In full knowledge of this forlornness he slowly opened his eyes. His eyelids felt heavy and as if they were made of sandpaper. His gaze hit the large-pored gypsum plasterboards of a hospital ceiling. He swallowed thickly before he turned his head towards the heavy breathing he heard to his right.

“You’re inventing you’re very own dimension of ‘fuck up’, do you?” Jack asked when he saw that Mac was awake and his blue eyes settled on him. Jack rubbed a tired hand over his face and sighed. He had foreseen that returning home and meeting Mac would be a little rocky. He had never thought about how complicated it could become.

He was relieved to see that his kid was awake and alive, but his anger didn’t subside. It rather took a very prominent place in his heart. Jack didn’t plan on hiding it either, because why should he spare his kid the effects that his stunt had on him, after he didn’t spare Jack the trauma of nearly losing him? Mac stayed mute. His brain was unable to process what he had put Jack through without even a second thought. He simply failed to grasp the dimension of it. He thought he was doing the only right thing. It simply didn’t occur to him that someone would miss him and truly mourn his loss. He couldn’t grasp that Jack rather put up with every shit Mac dragged him into than with losing his kid.

“Do you have any idea how much persuasion it cost Matty for her to convince the doctors that you do not belong into one of those tiny rooms with barred windows and peepholes in the door? I didn’t know how much sleep deprivation and experimental drug use while concussed can mess up your brain’s chemistry. I don’t even know whether anything of what she said was scientifically accurate and I don’t care. But no, you’re not in the psychiatric wing where you actually belong to,” Jack went on letting his anger run wild. His voice which was a heavy growl told Mac to step back and not to mess with Jack any further. It was the voice Jack used when he was really and truly pissed off. It slowly dawned to Mac what he had done and that he had made things probably only worse than better. He looked into Jack’s eyes and in fact, he had never seen them that angry, at least not with him. Jack’s anger was boiling over and he talked himself into rage. He couldn’t stop himself even if he wanted to, which he didn’t.

“Damn it, Angus, do you have any idea what I went through holding you in my arms, lifeless, not breathing? I thought you were dead!” Jack now yelled and his glaring eyes demanded an answer from Mac, who had no words. He hadn’t prepared a justification for his actions. Why should he? He didn’t expect to need one. But he could tell that Jack demanded something, an explanation at very least.

“I’m sorry,” was all Mac’s mind came up with, because Jack was right. Mac didn’t know what he put Jack through. He only wanted to protect him and his family.

“Fuck it, Mac! ‘Sorry’ doesn’t cut it anymore!” Jack yelled back not considering that Mac didn’t intent on hurting him. Jack also didn’t consider that it simply didn’t occur to Mac that there were actually a few people out there who would miss him when he was gone. Thus, Mac couldn’t imagine what toil Jack would have spiralled to if Mac hadn’t made it.

“I mean, what did you plan this time?” Jack went on with his tirade not willing to give his kid a break until he was convinced that he understood, but Jack’s fury only caused Mac to pull up his defences or at least what was left of it and he snapped stubbornly without thinking: “Not that I’d wake up again,” at which Jack grew livid with white, hot anger that churned up in his heart with the force of an explosion, and he replied through gritted teeth: “If I didn’t know that I was doing you a favour, I’d kill you with me own hands. What the fuck did you want to achieve with that?” Jack asked, but actually didn’t want to understand, because what Mac had done was beyond stupid, and Mac felt drained and had no energy left to fight with Jack, so he turned onto his side with his back to Jack and mumbled: “Maybe I just wanted to be with my family, somewhere where I belong,” and he meant it although it hadn’t been that apparent to him when he did what he had done. His answer caught Jack off guard. The raw pain it conveyed hurt him and he felt helpless again. And he got up from the chair he sat on and with all force he could muster up kicked it into the opposite corner of the room. He didn’t notice that Mac flinched upon the loud clatter. Jack was ready to start a new tirade of fury. He was about to raise his voice again. It was his mother’s gentle hand and her calm: “Jack, let it be,” that kept him from flying into another anger fit. He simply didn’t get why his kid never talked to him about it. But there’s been no time. Everything happened so fast. There had been no time to talk.

Jack’s Mom gently guided him out of Mac’s room. The kid needed rest and so did Jack. She talked to him sweet nonsense of comfort, but it missed its effect, because the words failed to embrace the dimension of what happened. Nothing was going to be okay, because Mac’s little stunt had changed everything, because Mac didn’t act out of some emotions. The contrary was the case. He was a highly rational acting person and that made his act a lot different – bigger. If Mac didn’t find a way out, it was bad, because Mac always found a way out. That was what he did. Save the day, go home and laugh about one of Jack’s ill placed movie quotes. What Mac did wasn’t a plea for help or a plea for attention. This one went deeper – very deep. Too deep as if some tea and well- meant words could repair what got broken. He told his Mom all this and she nodded, because she understood. Maybe it would take more than some tea and well-meant words, but at the end they would mend what was broken. They always did. And she reminded her son that Angus wasn’t a lost soul only a very lonely one and that he was stronger than Jack gave him credit for. They walked in silence to the truck and his Mom took the car keys from him.

She drove out of the town along the highway, back to the ranch. It was already dark and Jack kept staring out of the window, watching the rear lights of the cars on the opposite lane chase by. He was exhausted. His leg bothered him, too. The sprint didn’t do him any good. He started blaming himself for the past events. He was convinced, if he had been there and not away on his hunt for Kovacs, he could’ve prevented this from happening. He would have noticed that Mac was spiralling. He would have been able to stop this Taylor guy and he would have made a plan together with his kid on how to stop Codex. He couldn’t get over the fact that if he had been there, he and Mac would now sit around the fire pit with the rest of the family, maybe even with this Taylor guy, and enjoy some beers and pizza.

“It’s not your fault,” his Mom said, because she read his mind. She took his hand into hers. She was there. She had a strong presence, which she had always had. She would help him and Angus. Not only she, but the whole Dalton family. Well maybe Lucinda could be a little difficult, but they got used to her little drama queen attitudes and at the end, she was a Dalton, too. She had a good heart.

In the evening, Matty called Jack to let him know that it was over. Mission accomplished. Codex was the past. The Phoenix succeeded and cleared out all terror cells. Hundreds of people were taken into custody all over the world. Mac had made it possible. The intel he collected had been the key. She also assured Jack that Mac was cleared of any doubt. No investigation. No trial. It was over. As if. Jack yelled into the phone that it wasn’t over because Mac had tried to kill himself in the course of this mission and this one wasn’t solved yet. They had driven Mac into a corner without prospect of escape. No, nothing was over. The struggle had just begun. Matty accepted the blame and the onslaught, because she deserved it. It was some sort of self-punishment. Russ had played his games with them and she hadn’t seen it. She had been way too focused on Mac and it hadn’t helped to prevent the worst from happening.

“I expect a full investigation on Taylor. I want him to answer for what he did and if you won’t do it, I will and I will leave no traces,” Jack told her and she believed him. Jack was out there, ready to kill. She guaranteed that she herself would lead the investigations and that justice would be done to Mac. It was an empty promise and both knew it. The Phoenix was not government agency anymore. Taylor owned the place. No matter what she dug out he would never face the dimension of consequences his actions deserved. Jack was nearly crushed by the powerlessness over this injustice. 

Jack didn’t get any sleep that night. He sat on the porch listening to the toads populating the pond. The clouds passed by. No rain. No storm. The stars were blinking bright in the sky and somehow it felt ironic for Jack. His uncle stepped onto the porch and sat down next to him occupying the spot which had been Mac’s only a few hours ago. It had felt so damn familiar. It had felt so right to have him within arms’ reach again. This was where his kid belonged to. Right next to him. But Mac either didn’t feel it that way or didn’t want to, because he tried a stealth attempt of stealing away from him to never to be seen again.

His uncle handed him a glass of strong Bourbon. “It does not dispel the nightmares, but it calms the nerves,” his uncle said. He settled into silence with Jack. His uncle knew what he was talking about. Like his father he had been in Vietnam. Was part of the special forces and later CIA. He had his own fair share of nightmares like Jack did. Now Jack could add another one to his collection and it was the worst one. At some point he always found a way to deal with his nightmares, but how to deal with this one? Holding his kid dying in his arms? He was convinced that he would never get over it. He felt his uncle’s strong hand cupping the back of his neck, squeezing it gently. He’s never been so close to losing his kid and it hurt. It damn hurt and he felt the tears pricking in his eyes again and he turned towards his uncle who took him into his arms. Simply held him when he lost it again. Nothing his uncle could have possibly said could’ve been of any help anyway. But maybe his Mom was right and together they would mend what was broken.

Edith took her knitting and drove back to the hospital. Angus wasn’t supposed to be alone now. She was worried, too. She agreed with her son that they had a long road ahead, because there was far more behind this than it appeared to be. The tip of the iceberg. But she wasn’t sure whether Angus knew that, too. Even the strongest got hit. Or maybe in this case, the strongest in particular? You paid a price for everything. There had to be another side on the coin of being a genius who defied all odds. They had to find out what had trigged Angus’ attempted suicide. They had to, because something like this wasn’t supposed to happen ever again. But Edith sensed that this wasn’t achieved in the short run. They had to work through layers of hurt and trauma. She knew it. Knew it from Jack’s stories and from those blue eyes.

With a sigh she sat down in the chair next to the bed and continued her knitting. It didn’t take long until the rustling of the bed sheets caught her attention. Mac was tossing and turning with a nightmare. He was back in Kovacs fortress. His hands covered in blood. He looked at them and then up. Jack’s bloody body lay on the ground a crimson rose blossoming on his forehead. He looked back at his hands that now held a smoking gun. Edith saw Angus’ growing restlessness. It had to be a bad one. She knew those from Jack and his Dad. She slowly got up and put a hand onto Angus’ shoulder to gently coax him back to reality. Mac felt the hand on his shoulder and jerked awake, gasping for air. He was disoriented. He needed some time to realise that it had been a nightmare and that he was in hospital.

“Jack?” he asked still halfway in the lands of his nightmares.

“It’s me, Edith. Jack’s home and hopefully asleep,” she replied quietly not taking her hand away from his shoulder. She noticed the faint hint of disappointment rush over Angus’ face. But Mac was realistic enough to know that he didn’t deserve Jack staying with him after what he had done to him.

“He’s awfully worried about you. You gave him quite a scare – all of us,” she said. Mac didn’t reply, because what could he say? Jack was right. ‘Sorry’ didn’t cut it anymore. Edith saw his insecurity. Jack had been harsh. Maybe a little too harsh. But at the time being he has had no other means than to scream the words he felt. She was a mother of four kids that couldn’t be any more different from each other and she had lived through similar moments between sheer desperation and helplessness, because no matter how hard you tried to keep harm away from your kids, it wasn’t enough.

“You should go back to sleep. You need to rest. Tomorrow will be a new day and we’ll have enough time to talk about what happened,” she said. Angus looked so tired, so young and vulnerable and she wasn’t sure whether what happened wasn’t bound to happen anyway with such a young soul working for such a long time in Jack’s line of work. Kids usually didn’t possess the mental abilities it required to cope with life and death on an everyday basis. Barely enough adults had. But Jack had assured her more than once that Angus wasn’t a normal twenty-and-whatever-years old and she saw what he meant. His eyes looked much older than his physical appearance. They’ve seen a lot of misery already and how much evil a human being was capable of producing. He had lived through it. It made it all the more surprising that these eyes didn’t hold the resignation which she usually met when talking to veterans who lost their ideals to the war when they realised that they wouldn’t change a thing and that survival was the only thing that mattered. Angus’ eyes still carried hope – hope, which wasn’t meant for him, though.

“Did Jack ever tell you how he and his brothers ganged up against Lucinda’s date for Home Coming? When Lucinda found out about it, she gave them an earful. Our house became a crime scene. A vendetta followed another one,” Edith started talking chuckling in between at the mischief her kids had been up to, “Lucinda got so riled up that she mixed dye in Jack’s shampoo. His hair was all red for weeks,” Edith went on with her story just like Jack would do and it did the trick like Jack’s stories did when Mac couldn’t calm down. The words warmed him from the inside and the pictures his imagination made up out of the words relaxed him, because it was like watching peaceful moments which put his own inner turmoil at ease. Edith watched how his breath evened out and he fell back to sleep. She went on with her story while picking up her knitting. She would provide him as much comfort as she could - as he would let her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: It's not over now. Mac and Jack return to L.A. for the debrief on the Codex mission. Justice is an utopia added to that, Mac will come closer to a truth which will send him spiralling again. Can Jack catch his kid's fall?


	22. The evil that men do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The debrief after the Codex mission. A lot of emotional pressure and injustice.

Jack stood in the hospital room shaking his head. Only two days ago Mac barely leaped off the hoop to death and now he was getting ready to head back to L.A. as if nothing had happened. Matty had asked him to come back for the debrief. She didn’t say he had to come immediately. In fact, she had told him to take the time he needed, but Mac wanted to get it over with. Jack got that point and even understood, but his kid should at least rest a few more days, but he could talk his mouth off. Mac wouldn’t listen.

“Mac, do I need to remind you that only two days ago you wanted to kill yourself? Sorry, but I really think you should rest a while and assess what went wrong there,” Jack snapped when his kid wouldn’t stop packing his things in a bag. He ignored what Jack said. He had to admit that maybe it hadn’t been his brightest idea. But he also didn’t see the need to get to the core or however Jack phrased it. There was no core to it. There wasn’t. Full stop. It had simply been a bad decision. It didn’t carry implications on his mental state. He was fine. And that was what he told Jack over and over again, but Jack wouldn’t have any of it, but said: “Sorry kid, but only because you pretend that it didn’t happen doesn’t make it go away. And I won’t let it slide. Not this one.” Jack was persistent, but Mac ignored him even more. He looked at Mac from top to bottom and he didn’t like what he saw. Mac was still too pale and too shaky. He looked like he was past exhaustion. Mac was in no proper state to leave the hospital and Jack had a hard time believing that anyone with a medical degree would disagree with him on this one. He asked Mac for the discharge papers. There were none. Of course not. He had discharged himself. Against medical advice. Mac might not feel peachy, but he was fit enough to return to L.A. He had to. Scarlett had texted him. She wanted to meet him. Somehow, she managed to strike a deal. She had blown the whistle and for this they let her go. Mac was happy for her, because all she did, she did for her sister. She wanted to protect her. She wanted her to grow up in a safe environment worth living in. He couldn’t and wouldn’t hold this against her. Now she wanted to see him. Gwen had left something for Mac and asked Scarlett to give it to him in case she didn’t make it out alive. Scarlett didn’t know what it was, but was determined to hand whatever it was over to Mac. Jack didn’t know about that.

Although Jack knew it was a futile attempt, he tried to stop Mac. He tried to appeal to his reason, but his words were brushed off with yet another clipped “I’m fine,” of which both knew it couldn’t be possibly any further away from the truth. Jack sighed exasperated, but then decided if his kid would go, he would go, too. He wouldn’t let him out of his sight until he was sure he wouldn’t pull a suicide stunt again. As this word popped up in Jack’s head, he gulped. They haven’t been talking about it yet, didn’t call a spade a spade. Mac avoided the topic vehemently. Jack tried to talk about it. He tried to confront Mac, but it still felt like they were walking around this topic like on eggshells and now the words were forming in Jack’s head and they stung.

“Jack, you don’t need to come. You’ve been through enough yourself. You need to rest,” Mac said genuinely worried about Jack, who looked tired as hell. The limping got worse, because Jack neglected his own health and skipped PT so he could take care of Mac. That wasn’t right anymore. Mac made his decisions. He was an adult and in full possession of his sense. It wasn’t right if Jack took the brunt of his ill-fated decisions. He simply couldn’t put his own needs over Jack’s wellbeing.

“After the stunt you pulled, you can be lucky if I let you go to the bathroom alone,” Jack snapped. Mac didn’t even try to hide his annoyance about this. Jack at least should understand that he has had no other option left. Jack knew the job. He didn’t act upon some sort of emotion. He wasn’t depressed or something. It was the only way to protect them: to protect Jack and his family, Bozer and Riley and Desi from Russ’ wrath and from Codex. He had to protect them from himself, because nobody could tell what he would’ve been forced to do to keep Codex from doing any further harm. Jack was aware of the ‘if your existence endangers others rule’, but for him it wasn’t as easy. He wasn’t convinced that this rule had applied to this case. He had expected his kid to have a plan and find a way to annul this rule. That was Mac did. Breaking rules without breaching them. He simply couldn’t accept that Mac after realising that his plan didn’t work out – that he failed – wasn’t capable of coming up with an alternative plan. But Mac had been drained of all ideas to improvise his way out, but Jack didn’t want to hear any of it, because it was Mac. Full stop. And it was these expectations which made Mac feel like he had failed across the board, because he didn’t find a way out. It hurt. It really did. All the while Jack didn’t want to give his kid the impression of being a failure but make him realise that he wasn’t just an expandable asset. All Jack expected from Mac was for him to realise that he was a loved family member to Jack. Heck, his Mom had been ready to adopt the kid the second he put a foot onto the door step drugged up to the skull and oblivious to anything. It took his Mom a split second to determine that he was now the youngest chick in her nest, much to his sister’s delight who hoped their mother now had found a new victim. Jack didn’t have the heart to tell her that it didn’t change the fact that she still was the only daughter in the herd. Mac’s disappearance from the earth would have left a number of broken hearts, but Mac was emotionally blind and couldn’t see that he mattered to others - to Jack. Now, Jack had made it his personal mission to make him understand. He would force him to if he had to.

They didn’t talk much during the flight to L.A. In fact, they stayed mute, although Jack had so much to say to his kid, but he was aware that his kid wasn’t receptive for what he had to say. Mac’s thoughts focused on Scarlett and what she might have to tell him. His thoughts circled around his aunt and why it was decided that she didn’t deserve a chance to explain herself – why Russ decided that she didn’t deserve it. And every so often his thoughts would pass his Mom and the question which role she played in this whole Codex-dilemma. His Mom had become an enigma to him and he hoped that maybe Scarlett had some code to decipher her. Jack saw that Mac was anxious, but couldn’t put a finger on why. He doubted that it was the debrief. Maybe this Taylor guy? Jack was all too eager to blame him for everything, even for the upcoming zombie apocalypse. For this, he didn’t hide his hostility when they arrived at the Phoenix and the first person that they met was him.

Russ looked like a doused poodle. Matty had started an investigation and it was the right thing to do. He had been blinded and had made wrong decisions. He shouldn’t have treated Mac like that and yes, he probably should’ve trusted him more, but Mac hadn’t made it easy for him. Mac has had his own agenda and didn’t inform anyone about it. He must’ve been aware of the risks and consequences. And Mac had been aware of just that. He knew the risks. He still felt betrayed by Russ, though, because he shot his aunt. He had tried to let him in on the plan, but Russ had ignored the note. Matty had told him that much. So, Mac tried his best to ignore Russ’ presence while Riley and Bozer casted pitiful and apologetic looks at him. That hurt. It felt like they didn’t know how to interact anymore. Pretending as if nothing had happened felt wrong because a lot happened. In fact, it was too much. And while Bozer has had no problem to show that he was fully on Mac’s side, Riley had been insecure. She had wanted to trust her friend, but she found herself incapable of doing so. She tried to tell herself that she didn’t know Mac as long as Bozer did, but knew that it was a charade. She had trusted Mac with her life on more occasions than she could count and in retrospect, it was all too clear how mistaken she had been and that she should’ve known that Mac wasn’t out there to hurt anyone of them. Because Mac had brought Jack back and taken all the risks with it. It was stupid to think he’d do any harm to Jack, because Jack was his family. And Bozer? He was afraid of the elephant in the room. He had never bought Mac’s tough act when he enlisted and shipped off to Afghanistan. He had seen his friend struggle with his emotions. He had seen him in his most vulnerable states. He had seen him struggle to keep control while all he wanted to do was break down and cry. He had seen all this and worse. So, for him it was difficult to accept that Mac’s attempt to end his life was simply a chess move during his solo mission. Mac could make the others believe that. He wouldn’t buy it. But it caused a huge grudge to rip between their friendship, caused by Bozer’s insecurity on how to handle this. How to handle a friend who didn’t see a way out and worst of all, didn’t see that there might be a problem?

The debrief was tiresome. Listening to himself talk, it sounded as if he had acted up on a well elaborated plan. It felt so uncharacteristic, because Mac never did act upon a plan. Russ mistakes didn’t remain unhidden. He mentioned the note and the manipulation of the chip. The debrief hurt. It hurt to listen to Desi who explained matter-of-factly and without regret that she had shot Mac into the shoulder, because he blocked the view to Gwendolyn Heyes. It hurt, because he thought that they’ve once been in love with each other. That had to mean something, right? But it didn’t and somehow Mac was debating as to whether the break up really was only his fault, because he pushed her away, but hers too, because she lacked the warmth he sought for. He noticed that maybe bitterness was talking. What she did had been rational and he hadn’t given her any other chance. It hurt though and not only in his shoulder.

Then it was Russ’ turn to talk and explain what happened. At that point, Mac was ready to jump up from his seat and leave the war room. Jack saw it and was willing to follow suit, but his kid stayed, because he needed to hear what Russ had to say. Matty felt the atmosphere change the second Russ started talking. It became hostile again. Mac’s posture became all stiff and his clenched jaw signalled that he was nervous. She should’ve spared him this one, but an exchanged look with Jack told her that maybe Mac needed this to resolve the issues around Codex for himself. Both, Jack and Mac, were curious as to whether Russ would spill the beans. And he did, but he held something back when he admitted that Codex indeed had been some sort of personal business for him, too, after they lured him into a trap and massacred his team. Jack, Matty and Mac mutually agreed that Russ must have left out the most interesting part of the story and at least Matty was determined to dig deeper. She owed it to Mac, who had become the target of Russ’ blind obsession. And although Mac was responsible for that, too, since he riled Russ up instead of keeping his mouth shut, the whole thing had gone off the rails. It had been her job to bring them all back on tracks, but she had failed, too.

Russ managed to make his reasoning and action seem plausible regardless that he was hurting Mac even more, if that was even possible, Jack thought. Yes, Mac was a highly intelligent man, who had lost his mother way too early. There were no doubts on that. But stating that from an emotional point of view it was only understandable that Mac would reach out for any and even the tiniest piece his mother had left so he could be close to her, sounded ridiculous in Jack’s ears. Mac was one thing not: emotional. Mac, however, thought to himself that maybe Russ was right. Maybe his reaction had been triggered by his needs to get to know his Mom better and his need to be close to her. Of course, Jack knew that Mac had abandonment issues and he – Jack – had triggered them by leaving for hunting down Kovacs. Jack was convinced that the wound he ripped into his kid’s heart with his disappearance left a nasty scar. Jack was also convinced that this might have caused his kid some discomfort but it would have never let Mac to act blindly and out of control. Mac wasn’t too sure about that, though. He doubted his actions and himself. After all, his reasoning had been tinged by his family and his desire to belong somewhere, that was what Mac started to believe. He had lost his inner logic, his rationale.

To sum it up: Russ has had no other option than to shoot Gwendolyn Heyes. She was Leland’s successor. She was Codex. And maybe Angus was right and maybe she had changed her mind after realising what Codex planned, but Russ didn’t know about it. Mac didn’t talk to him or anyone of the team. How was he supposed to know? If he had, this tragedy might not have happened. There was a big question mark at the end of the sentence and it was Jack who thought that maybe he was in the wrong movie, because he got the impression as if the Taylor guy was about to blame Mac for the death of his aunt.

“Sorry Angus, I didn’t have any alternative,” Russ said and Jack clenched his fist thinking that even if Mac had told him he wouldn’t have made a different decision. He had seen Russ interact with Mac. Jack was convinced that the bastard would have accused Mac of lying to safe his aunt. And then it hit Jack like a sledgehammer when he looked over to his kid sitting there his shoulders hunched. What Mac had said in the hospital grew to a whole new dimension and Jack had a hard time fighting the urge to grab his kid and usher him out of the room while telling him not to listen to the crap this man said. Russ’ words got Mac thinking. They slolwy creeped under his skin and got lodged there. Maybe he should’ve been more forthcoming. If he had told Russ about his aunt, maybe he had offered to help? While Mac wasn’t sure about it, Jack was convinced that the Taylor guy would’ve used that opportunity to pin something on Mac. Mac thought that maybe he really had done one big mistake. Maybe it had been him who was blind. He had been emotionally compromised. Maybe he had been seeing ghost and his distrust against Russ had been unjustified? Mac felt the growing confusion inside of him taking up more and more space.

While the debrief dragged on, Jack’s urge to get his kid out of this nightmare increased, but then Mac put on the brave façade again when it came to the question of how to further proceed with Angus MacGyver. There would be no further investigation on his case, because after all, it was doubtless were his loyalties lay. But there was no longer a place for him at the Phoenix.

“Sorry Angus, but you’ve just burnt too many bridges,” Russ said. Matty was stunned. He hadn’t told her about this decision. For her it had been understood that Mac would return to the Phoenix. He was still part of the family. Apparently, she had been wrong and Russ made full use of the fact that he was paying the wages of the Phoenix employees. He had the right to decide who he paid and who not.

“We have to look at it rationally and although you did accomplish something great here,” Russ said, “it also proved that you have a tendency to play after your own rules, just like your father used to. This makes you unpredictable and a risk which I’m not willing to take,” Russ concluded and Mac couldn’t seriously care any less about whether he still had his job or not, because he had said it once and he would again: he couldn’t work with and for someone he didn’t trust and he didn’t trust Russ. There were investigations, but Mac was realistic enough to know that Russ would never bear any consequences for what he had done. He owned the Phoenix. What hurt – really hurt – was the fact that after everything his father had done for him and for them being like him had become a bad thing – a stigma. After all, it had been his father who had given his life to fight Codex. It had been his father who even after his death had provided them with a major lead on Codex and it had been his father who had made sure that the image of his mother remained immaculate - that it remained as Mac had kept it in his heart during all those years. He had convinced Mac that it indeed had been his mother who had spoken up saying that the only way of saving the planet was killing half of its population, but that she would’ve never been able to implement such a plan. She hasn’t been a monster. She hasn’t been like Leland and Mac’s father had been convinced of that and Mac believed him.

After the debrief was officially over, Jack felt the pulling need to be close to his kid and he walked to his side. He needed to feel his kid’s physical presence. He wanted to be there for him, to hold him, to keep him in one piece, because by the looks of it he was close to fall apart.

“How about we head back to yours, have the one or other beer and a long deep conversation about what happened?” Jack suggested and Mac acknowledged that he had only good intentions, but he wanted to meet Scarlett. Alone. He shoved the emotional storm inside of him aside and subdued his inner turmoil, because it was not yet over. Not for him anyway.

“Maybe later? I have to meet someone first,” Mac for this replied catching Jack’s worried look. Jack didn’t like the idea of Mac going somewhere alone. The shock of the past days still stuck in his bones. But he also heard that this meeting must be something important for Mac and Mac wasn’t yet ready to share it with him. He also saw the fragility shimmer through the tough façade. And then there was a restlessness which told Jack to pipe down and accept whatever business his kid had to take care of.

“Will I see you later?” Jack asked to make sure Mac got the message.

“Yeah,” Mac answered feeling bad for what he had done to Jack. He understood Jack’s need to be close to him after everything he had put him through, but he had to do this alone. This was too personal. He was not yet ready to share it with Jack.

“Promise?”

“I promise to meet you later today,” he said and both knew Mac wouldn’t break his promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: We'll find out what Scarlett has to hand over to Mac and Jack tries hard to catch his kid's fall. But does Mac want to be caught at all?


	23. Another Abyss

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally Mac finds answers he was looking for. He wasn't looking for what he finds out, though. Finally we find out what was behind Russ obsession.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and all the nice kudos!   
> Due to some social obligations I might not have the time to post a second chapter this week.

Mac drove through the Californian autumn sun to meet Scarlett. She looked worn, but more at ease. Clothed in blue jeans, t-shirt and anseakers, she didn’t look like the soldier she’s been once. She rather seemed like a college student. They sat down on a bench and watched the people in the park: those who went for a walk, those who played soccer and those who just sat there to enjoy the smooth warmth of the sun.

“You look like shit,” Scarlett said when she eventually handed him a file. The handwriting on its cover was his aunt’s handwriting.

“You’re not about to win a beauty pageant either,” Mac countered with a smirk which caused a shy smile on Scarlett’s face.

“I just wanted to say thank you for being honest with me, for not letting me down. You told me to trust you and you didn’t make me regret it. That’s really precious to me,” she said, because after a long way paved with lies and scams, she appreciated every spoken word of honesty and truth.

“I’m only glad that it worked out in your favour. If you need anything, someone to help you to get back onto your feet, just let me know,” he offered.

“Thank you, but I have to make it on my own from here,” she said and got up to leave, but turned around one more time and said: “I hope you’ll find what you’re looking for in there.” And then she left him alone. He waited a few more minutes, scanned the surroundings to make sure there was no one watching him before he opened the file with shaking hands. The first page contained a handwritten letter from his aunt. He read it and then went carefully through the file. It somehow was what he had been looking for, because it gave him the answers to his questions. But these weren’t the answers he had hoped for. It was too painful. Broken trust all over again. And while reading the file again and again, something inside of him shifted. Something crumbled inside of him. It was too much to bear. He has had his suspicions, but this was beyond of what he had been capable of imagining. Then he felt something snap and then break inside of him and he drove back to the Phoenix to pick Jack up. He was afraid he might not be able to keep his promise. His hands were shaking and he had to grasp the steering wheel tighter to steady them at least a little. His knuckles turned white with the force he gripped the steering wheel with. It didn’t help much. The tremors passed through his whole body by the time he reached his destination.

They were standing outside of the Phoenix complex. Jack had caught up with Hank and his old team. Thanked them once more for their efforts and the risks taken to rescue him and his team. Then Mac texted him that he would pick him up and now they stood outside saying their final goodbyes, because that was it. Jack wouldn’t return to the Phoenix and although Matty assured him that despite his injured leg he would be very valuable for training the newbies, he turned down her offer. He wouldn’t go back. Not without his kid and especially not as long as that Taylor guy worked there and owned the Phoenix. He would never under no circumstances betray his kid a second time. He got a first-hand experience on the consequences. He didn’t need a repetition. No, Jack had other plans. He wanted to take Mac back with him to the ranch to let his mother and the rest of the family pamper Mac back onto steady feet. He needed it. They both needed it.

Jack saw Mac walking up to them. His motion and posture told Jack that something was off. Mac was obviously fighting for control. The fact that Jack didn’t know why and for what made him antsy. Mac didn’t know what to feel when he read what his aunt had left him. It was too much. Too much hurt, too much anger, too much sadness. They weight of it dragged him inside himself. It was pushing and pulling him from the outside world into his innermost being. He was absorbed by his head and about to get stuck there. It was difficult to focus on what went on outside. He felt like he was about to implode – crashing and shattering into his own self. Jack saw that there was some sort of cold but blunt aggression radiating from Mac and he froze, because this was so not Mac. He watched him marching up to them his eyes glued on Russ with all his hatred and anger sparking from him like hungry flames.

“I might have burnt bridges, but you, you burnt lives,” Mac said steady and calm voice, but with so much hatred that Jack was afraid that his kid was about to punch Taylor’s face. Instead, he slammed a file against the man’s chest and walked away without looking back. The file dropped to the floor. Taylor as stunned as he was failed to grab it in time. Jack took a while to sober up from what happened and then bent down to pick up the file. A picture slipped out of it and without knowing it, he saw that it was Mac’s mother. The same eyes, the same smile. He would wish that the file didn’t contain anything more when he read the letter on the front page.

The file disclosed Ellen MacGyver’s involvement in file 47 and Codex. It was a different story than the one Russ had tried to make them believe. And it proved that James and Angus MacGyver had been right: Ellen had never been part of Codex.

Yes, she set up file 47. Why? Because the planet was dying but no matter whom she talked to about it, no matter how high or low ranked, nobody seemed to care. They didn’t understand the need to initiate the massive changes that were necessary to save the planet. Nobody listened to her and nobody really cared about it. They didn’t want to. She then pointed out the only alternative they had: cut the earth’s population to a half. By this, she had hoped to trigger something – a new way of thinking. But the message didn’t convey what she wanted to say: that they needed to make a change now. Instead, file 47 was interpreted as the plan of a mad scientist. Ellen’s hypothesis wasn’t new. So, Codex not necessarily had to have its ideas from file 47 – from Ellen MacGyver. But it was pinned to her.

When Gwendolyn, Ellen’s sister, met Leland, she was intrigued by his visions. He’s been developing the idea of file 47 further and provided a platform to save the earth. They were about to do something big. So, she thought. Ellen had warned her from the very beginning that Codex was dangerous, but Gwen didn’t listen. Ellen didn’t turn her back to her sister. She couldn’t watch how her sister got caught deeper and deeper in Codex’s catches. Then, Codex became radical. They were classified as terrorist organisation. Soon agencies from all over the world tried to stop Codex: CIA, MI6, BND. Codex was enough of a threat for them to pool their resources and work together. One day, Russel Taylor was approached by a dark haired but blue-eyed woman with a genuine smile. They met in London. She told him taht she had information regarding Codex and he was all in. He would’ve been without her mentioning Codex, because he’s never seen something as beautiful like her before. It seemed to be a double win. She provided him with valuable intel and the way she talked to him made him assume that maybe she too belonged to an agency. She told him the whole story and he asked her why: because she wanted to save her sister. That was her condition. If he launched a strike against Codex, he would make sure that her sister was safe and given a second chance. He promised it and meant it. She trusted him. She trusted him with her life and the life of her dear sister.

What they didn’t know was that Codex had Ellen under observation. Codex knew about their meeting and their conversation. Gwen knew her sister and she encroached upon their close relationship. So, when Ellen said: “I’m not going to watch you ruining your life and the lives of countless innocent,” Gwen reacted and told Codex about Ellen. For this, they were prepared when Russ and his team waited in an apparent ambush to eliminate the group around Leland and cut off Hydra’s head. Russ’ team was surrounded by Codex and massacred in a bullet hail. He was lucky to survive. He blamed Ellen and concluded that she was part of Codex as well. It never occurred to him that she was a victim herself. He didn’t believe her when she approached him again and told him how sorry she was. Russ made clear that he didn’t trust her and especially not after she broke his heart when she said: “I’m a wife and I’m a mother. What do you think? That I want my child to grow up in a hostile environment? No, I want him to grow up on this planet with a conscience for nature and the life together with different species and nations. I don’t want to steal away the wealth of our planet from him. I want to preserve it. How could I possibly support Codex?” She was married. He never really got over it.

Russ made a new plan. They infiltrated Codex. The second strike was in London, too. They surrounded Codex in a warehouse where Codex was busy with an arms deal. Gwen was involved. Ellen neither knew something about the deal nor about Russ’ plan. She was only afraid and wanted to warn her sister, save her and when she entered the warehouse, it was too late. Gwen was severely injured, blood dripped from a gaping wound on her head and face.

“Oh Gwen,” she sobbed kneeling into the puddle of her sister’s blood while cradling her in her lap. Tears fell down onto her sister’s face mixing with blood. “Don’t give up. I’ll get you help. You’ll see, next year this here will be nothing but a bad nightmare,” she told her sister in between sobs. She didn’t hear the footsteps approaching her from behind nor did she feel the gun pressed against her temple.

“No, you won’t,” the familiar British accent she had once trusted said and when she turned around her blue eyes met his. Then he pulled the trigger and she fell backwards her blood mixing with her sister’s. He never thought about the five years old boy who now had lost his mother. He didn’t waste a thought on the hardship it meant to grow up without a mother. And it never occurred to him that he might have made an error in judgement.

The second strike was supposed to be success and it was. Codex needed fifteen years to grow back to full strength and twenty-five years to become a real threat again. And when the danger which Codex posed was apparent again, Russ bought the Phoenix and started his agenda.

After Jack read all this, he started to run, run after his kid and instinctively he ran to the parking deck to the spot where Mac usually parked his Jeep. And there he was. He sat on the floor, back against the column, his arms slung around his shins with his legs drawn up to his chest and his chin resting on his knees. He stared at a spot on the opposite wall. His eyes were blank.

“Hey hoss,” Jack said silently as not to startle his kid. He couldn’t imagine how his kid must feel after reading this file. Betrayal didn’t even begin to describe what he must be feeling. Russ murdered Mac’s Mom and then he had the audacity to use him for his own vendetta. It could’ve hardly been any worse.

“I…don’t know what to say,” Jack went on. He didn’t get any response. Mac didn’t even acknowledge his presence. He just sat there and stared. Jack crouched down to meet Mac’s eyes, but they were void and even when he directly looked into them, Mac didn’t react as if he had retreated into himself. Jack put a hand on the kid’s shoulder. No reaction. Then, he flopped down next to his kid as close as possible, their shoulders touching. His kid needed to feel that he was there and Jack needed to feel that his kid was there, but all he saw was a shell with nothing left inside.

“How about this, we go back to the ranch and take a decent time off. I’m sure my Mom will spoil you till you drop. You’re her new addition to her nest. Oh, and we have all sorts of cars and tractors you can play with. Maybe you can get Pop’s first tractor running again. If not, it’s okay, too. Then, we at least gave it a try,” Jack did what he did best: talk. Talk about this and that, because it always helped to get his kid out of his head. Not this time, though and after a while he stopped talking and just sat there waiting for his kid to snap out of it. But nothing happened and a few hours passed and Mac not even as much as shifted his position and Jack was beyond worried.

“Hey Mac, I think we really should leave this place. I don’t know what you think about it, but carbon monoxide poisoning after all what happened doesn’t seem like something to look forward to,” Jack said. Still no reaction. His mobile rang. Matty. Jack got up to be out of Mac’s earshot. She asked him where he was and how Mac was doing.

“No good. He hasn’t moved an inch for over three hours now. He doesn’t even react to anything,” he told her and got her worried. Awfully worried. But something like this was bound to happen. It had been too much, the pressure too high. She should’ve put a stop to it much sooner and she regretted that she had failed to do so – that she had failed to save Mac from this one.

“He’s probably having a mental break down. We shouldn’t be too surprised about it. Stay where you are and I’ll send medical staff to you to assess the situation,” she said. Whatever it was, she considered it her job to get Mac out of it.

“Matty, he’s not a nut case,” Jack protested, because he wouldn’t allow anyone to lock his kid up in a windowless cell and pump him full with all kind of drugs. Of course, all his alarm bells were shrilling. And yes, he cursed himself that he didn’t drag his kid’s ass to a shrink’s office after he tried to kill himself. He had seen that his kid was at the edge, but he didn’t pull him away. No, he let him jump over it.

“And I didn’t say he was, Jack. He’s probably awfully exhausted and we need to help him,” Matty said sensing where Jack’s reaction came from. He agreed. Mac needed help and thus he turned around to talk to Mac. He was gone. The spot he had occupied for the past few hours vacated. His car was still there.

“No need to send someone, Matty. He’s gone.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: What happens to Jack now? What happens to Mac? Will they see each other again? Will Mac get better or was this the last straw?


	24. Along the Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack's broken. After everything he's been through in the past three years, the storm he has to face upon his return leaves its marks on him. Will he be able to help Mac? Does Mac actually want his help? Does Mac even realise that he needs help? Does Mac come back at all?

It was a week now and nobody had seen Mac. They looked for him at his home, at Jack’s vacant apartment. They even drove to Mission City and Massachusetts. Nothing. Riley had a program running which would alert them if Mac was spotted by CCTV. Nothing. He disappeared off the face of the earth never to be found again. They all knew, if Mac didn’t want to be found, they wouldn’t. And they didn’t. They didn’t make any progress and Jack was furious. He was even more when Matty told him that they officially stopped looking for Mac, because Russ claimed needing the resources. Jack didn’t stop. He drove to every hospital and every police station and then there was a call. The dreaded one. They found a body. Young male, lean, blond. No papers or anything else to identify him. Jack drove down to the police station. His nerves were fried. He was sick. This couldn’t be the end. He wasn’t capable to grasp that maybe he had lost his kid now for good. The police officer met him with a sorry look on his face. Jack’s fist itched. He would’ve liked to wipe this look out of the man’s face. He didn’t want pity. He wanted his kid back. The mere thought of Mac being gone forever crushed him. He was led to the morgue. It was cold and sterile. The smell of disinfectant insulted his nose. There was only one table in use. A form covered up with a white sheet lay on it. It was pure agony.

“Take your time,” the coroner told him. Jack took a deep breath. Tears formed in his eyes. His body was tense as if he braced himself for a fight. He was shaking with tension. No, he wasn’t ready. He would never be. How could he possibly be? He swallowed. The sterile room was closing in on him. He wanted to bolt. The muscles in his legs twitched. He never had wanted to run so badly from something like he did now. Then he nodded. He had to get it over with. The sheet was carefully drawn from the figure beneath, head first. Jack nearly collapsed when the pent-up tension left his body the very second in which he saw the face. Whoever this poor John Doe was, it wasn’t Mac. Jack’s body started shaking again. It felt like going into shock. An assistant carefully guided him out to the corridor where he broke down in tears. He has never been as glad in his life, because it wasn’t Mac. But he was despaired, because he didn’t know where his kid was. His Mom sensed that he was close to a real break down and talked him into returning home back to the ranch. They could sit down together and find a solution. Together, they would find Angus, but Jack had to come home. He couldn’t do this alone. He needed help himself. Nobody wanted to waste a thought on the 'what if'. What if they never found Angus again? What if they didn’t find him alive?

Several more days passed. Jack’s hopes dwindled. No life sign from his kid. No idea where or how to find him. Thus, he settled in a daily routine at the ranch. Just like his siblings he worked there. It was decided that he would take over the ranch and take charge – take their father’s position – from his uncle. Of course, he would work at the ranch and support his siblings, but taking over the whole business? That didn’t feel right, not after so many years in which he had jetted around the globe pretending to be a hero while his siblings kept the ranch running. But nobody listened to him so it was decided. Things were busy from then on and he managed to push his worries aside. He couldn’t forget about Mac, his kid, though. His heart was heavy with grief.

He stepped into the den and hollered: “Mom, have you seen Lucinda? I wanted to check with her whether we need to launch new ads!” He was hushed to silence by his Mom who appeared out of nowhere motioning her head towards the couch.

“Be quiet. We have a visitor and he’s sleeping,” she scolded him. He didn’t understand what that was supposed to mean.

“Who?” he mouthed anticipating danger. Still all the well-trained soldier. She motioned to him to look and so he walked around the couch and didn’t know what to say or feel when he saw the familiar blond shaggy hair. His eyes were closed, the head rested against the back rest of the couch, his legs were outstretched nearly hitting the coffee table. Edith’s lap dog, which Jack still considered as cat, rested on his lap. A bundle of dark brown nearly black fur. Jack took in the sight. He was in bad shape. Too thin, too worn, too pale. He also saw that Mac wasn’t asleep. Jack looked over to his Mom, who understood and left the two of them some privacy. Jack nudged Mac’s foot before he sat down on the coffee table in front of his kid. He was overwhelmed by his emotions. It was like a storm raging though his heart. He was relieved to see that his kid was alive and came back to him. But there was this worry and anger that accompanied him. The feeling of helplessness. He met those tired blue and blood shot eyes. The blue was a stark contrast to the nearly black circles under his eyes. The kid obviously hadn’t slept in days.

“You look like shit,” Jack said in the need of testing the waters. Well, it was the truth. Mac picked up on Jack’s distance and straightened himself to sit upright facing the man in front of him. He had anticipated this reaction. He had put Jack through too much. He only wanted one chance to say goodbye and sorry and then go his separate way. Jack was thinking about what to do. Yes, he was pissed off by his kid’s behaviour, but he also knew that pushing him away and leave him to fend for himself wouldn’t help either of them.

“What do you want?” Jack asked the words pronounced harsher than intended. He needed to assess the kid’s state, because he looked like he was beyond his limits – beyond his limits’ limits. That was why he cursed himself when Mac jumped up from the couch ready to leave again.

“Look, I’m sorry. You’re right, I…shouldn’t have come here,” Mac said. He felt awfully dumb for assuming that Jack would want him around any longer. He jinxed everything. It hurt Jack to see how skittish his kid had become. Anticipating the worst from everyone. So, he stopped Mac from leaving by grabbing him by his upper-arm. Mac’s body tensed up the second Jack touched him. It was then that Jack realised that he didn’t want his kid to leave. He also didn’t want to see his kid hurting the way he did. He wanted to wrap him into his arms and, if necessary, never let go. He simply couldn’t turn around and walk out on the kid. Even not, if it was the best for him. The kid would probably give him so many more grey hairs and probably was the death of him. But this was better than a life without his kid. And thus, he said: “Sorry kid, this came out all wrong. I’m glad you came here. I was worried and I still am by the looks of you.” Jack let his kid know that he didn’t reject him and then guided him back onto the couch. Peaches immediately reclaimed her place in Mac’s lap and Mac instinctively started to scratch her behind her ears.

“Where have you been?” Jack asked. He was beyond worried. Saying that his kid looked scruff was an understatement.

“Here and there. Nowhere really, just…walking around,” Mac replied. He had tried to run away from everything but it didn’t work out. Everything that happened followed him. He didn’t remember where he had been. It was nothing but a blur. He had been wondering aimlessly around for days on and on. He hadn’t noticed anything around him. He still felt so awfully detached from the reality – from his reality. It felt like he was a spectator of his own life.

“And what now?” Jack asked on. He was at a loss. He’s never seen Mac dissolved like that. Heck, Mac always managed to pull himself together. He was always the one who got back up onto the feet no matter how hard the blow. Jack was sheer incapable of finding an explanation. He didn't know what was different this time. Why didn’t his kid bounce back to his usual self? What the hell had gone wrong through those three years? And it didn’t appear to Jack that maybe him leaving – abandoning – his kid was one reason for why Mac was so awfully broken. Shattered to pieces he himself couldn’t pick up and glue together anymore. Jack’s always been his shield taking the brunt of the blow and if he couldn’t shield Mac, he always provided him a safety net that caught Mac before he fell too deep. With Jack gone, this was gone, too. Each blow hit its target – Mac – with blunt force to his core. And he fell. He fell and until now. He never really stopped falling. It was Jack who doubted that he still was enough for his kid. He doubted that after those three years, he still could be of useful help. They had lost their rhythm and Jack wasn’t sure whether they could pick up the one that got lost.

“I don’t know,” Mac admitted because he really didn’t and Jack’s worry skyrocketed, because his kid always had a plan, always found a way out, no matter how dire the situation. And Jack didn’t know whether he still had the means to support his kid, while Mac wasn’t sure whether it was right to turn to Jack and burden him with his shit. Jack definitely had enough on his plate to come to terms with. Those three years left marks on him.

Jack and Mac looked at each other and it was that scene to which Edith re-entered the den. What she saw were two broken men. She’s seen a lot of them. She had raised army boys: her husband and brother in law, two of her sons. Each of them had come home broken, but she mended them. The family did. And Angus did. When Jack came home from his first tour in Afghanistan, he had turned dark. He had trouble to cope with what he had done. He always knew that he did it to protect his comrades and his country. It didn’t keep the nightmares away and eventually he grew dark.

It was a scrawny, burger-named blond who dragged him out of his darkness. At first by simply being his annoying self. There had been no email or phone call in which Jack didn’t complain about the slowest EOD-tech of the whole unit. Not only was he slow, but he also didn’t listen to Jack and didn’t accept him as his superior. He didn’t accept hierarchy. He had his own head, was stubborn like a mule and difficult. At some point the complaints were replaced by stories of how the kid never failed to amaze Jack. With little means he disarmed bombs and repaired their equipment. And then his kid became his kid. His kid, who gave up his leave so a comrade could fly home to his dying granny. Jack didn’t know then that his kid didn’t have anybody to return home to. It was his kid who repaired the radio of one of Jack’s mates, although the guy had nothing more than some snarky comments left for the kid. It was his kid who didn’t care where someone came from or what he did, because he simply believed that everybody had a good nature. It was his kid who looked behind Jack’s tough façade and saw the man he was besides a trained elite soldier ready to kill. It was his kid who was traded as one of the best, but was oblivious to it because he always looked up to others while forgetting about his own achievements. At the end it was his kid whom he couldn’t leave behind to fend for himself and Edith had been relieved that her son had found another purpose in his life. A purpose that went beyond killing people, but meant actually protecting one. And then she remembered her son’s smile on his face when he was told that it was his kid who rescued him from whatever evil catches he had been caught in. For him it was only natural – understood – that Angus would come and get him out. No questions asked, because he thought his kid capable of everything. But now? Now he was faced with his kid’s vulnerability and imperfection. And Edith could tell that it scared him and that the feeling of helplessness made him awfully angry.

Mac sat there in the den and had no idea how to go on. He was broken and Jack was angry, because that wasn’t who his kid was. His kid would have set backs, but he would stay on his own two feet. Mac always had a plan and if there was no plan, he would improvise. Mac got out of everything. Only Mac didn’t know how paperclips, duct tape and chewing gum were supposed to help him out of the mess he had gotten himself in. These weren’t the means to help him. It wasn’t enough anymore.

Mac lacked the means to help himself. There was nothing left. But it was wrong to ask Jack to show him the way – to lead the way. It wasn’t like Jack didn’t want to help, but he couldn’t. It was this materialised fear which paralysed him. Edith saw that this fight was going to be a tough one and she had to admit that she wasn’t sure whether they could help Angus, because he looked so close to the edge.

“Jack, why don’t you help Angus to settle in the upstairs bedroom? Rosa already prepared everything,” Jack’s Mom suggested and Jack nodded grateful for his mother knowing what to do. He guided Mac upstairs. Mac’s body shook with waves of tremors and Jack couldn’t tell whether it was exhaustion or even fear. Mac followed him, but felt awfully out of place. He didn’t belong here. He wanted to run. Jack watched how Mac stood in the middle of the bedroom. It was the same which provided him shelter when Jack rescued his kid from Russ. Mac looked so awfully lost. His body screamed insecurity.

“You should sit down. You look like you’re about to keel over,” Jack said motioning for the bed, but Mac sat down in the red wingback chair in the far corner of the room by the window. Mac was nervous and Jack saw it. He sat down on the bed facing his kid, but Mac’s eyes won’t meet his.

“You know you have to deal with what happened,” Jack started an attempt. Mac knew he was right, but it wasn’t as easy. It was too much.

“You can talk to me or my Mom, my uncle anyone of us. You know that?” he told his kid while respecting his needs for distance. Mac nodded musing on the words while absentmindedly drawing his legs up to his chest, his arms wrapped tightly around them and his chin resting on his knees. Jack watched him closely assessing whether Mac once again was about to disappear in his head and indeed Mac was, because it helped against the pain. Being part of that world just hurt so much that he could barely bear it.

“Mac, do you understand me?” Jack asked to make sure Mac was still with him.

“But where to start? Dad? Mom? Codex? The Phoenix? My aunt? Where?” Mac simply replied revealing the dimension of shit he was confronted with and it hurt Jack to see how his kid struggled to stay afloat while the shit kept piling up around him. Mac was drowning. The past events swallowed him like a big black gullet that sucked everything in that it may rest forever and ever in the dark, untouched, unloved and detached from the world and those who lived in it. Jack watched how Mac slowly vanished in that hole. Mac didn’t fight it. It promised rest and peacefulness. No more pain and no more sorrow. He looked forward to the relief it meant. He looked forward to be alone. No senses. No hearing, no seeing and no feelings. Blank. Jack saw how Mac disappeared, his gaze becoming blank. The attentiveness vanished from his eyes. His gaze went into the empty room, just like in the garage and Jack’s fear spiked.

“Mac?” Jack aske. No response. Not the bat of an eyelash. He out a hand on his kid’s arm. Nothing.

“C’mon Mac, you have to snap out of it,” Jack said remembering Matty’s words about a mental break down. He gently shook his kid, but Mac wasn’t there anymore. He had settled down in a silent corner of his mind.

Jack’s Mom entered the room after a while and coaxed Jack out of the bedroom to the kitchen. She’s seen men in all kinds of state. Traumas had many faces. Jack, just like his father, would get caught up in bad nightmares and sleepwalk or rather sleep-fight through the horrors he relived. They told her that the last three years have been horrible. Jack would get those nightmares even when he napped in the den or the barn. Frank watched his nephew closely and tried to keep pressure and stress away. The worry for his kid, however, kept on triggering these nightmares. But she was confident that she could help her son. She had always mended her husband, no matter how broken he returned home. She had helped him to overcome whatever kept him away from his life. It needed time and comfort, and she had plenty of that. And she would do the same for Angus. Because mending Jack meant mending Angus and the other way around. But unlike Jack, Angus didn’t face his demons. He ran away from them and tried to shut everything and everyone out. His last resort. She knew from other veteran wives that this was a dangerous state. Angus might never find his way back to them. Nevertheless, she placed a mug of hot steaming tea and a plate of cookies on the coffee table next to the wingback chair.

It remained untouched. Jack returned to him, placed a hand on his arm to make him aware of his presence, but he just sat there. He didn’t know what to say. His Mom came and replaced the now cold tea with a new hot steaming one. She squeezed Jack’s shoulder encouragingly. After a while of silence, Jack got up, turned on the light on the nightstand and left hoping that maybe his kid only needed some rest. It was Mac after all. He would snap out of it, eventually. Mac always got back onto his feet. But what if not? There mere idea that his kid might not make it this time, broke his heart, because he was responsible for it. If he had been there for his kid, it would’ve never happened.

He went to bed, but didn’t get a peaceful sleep. He was back at the compound. He could smell gun powder. He heard people scream and run for their lives. He heard a fire burning, feeding on the compound and the people trapped in it. They were screaming, but he didn’t move to rescue them. He was rooted to the spot staring at a familiar lean back. He saw the blond head turn around. Dead eyes stared at him in disbelieve and blue tinged lips asked him: “why?”. Jack’s gaze followed the blue eyes travelling down the blonde’s body and looked at his chest, A dark red spot directly over the heart. The blonde’s gaze went back up asking again: “Why?” before he collapsed to the ground. Jack didn’t jump forward to catch his fall. He didn’t cradle his kid in his arms. There was a heavy weight in his hand that glued him to the ground. He looked at the weight in his hand. A smoking gun. He woke up screaming, because he killed his kid. It was his fault. He could still feel his kid's blood sticking on his hands. He wanted to get up and wash his hands, but he couldn’t. His leg hurt. His whole body ached. He was paralysed. He couldn’t even stop screaming. Then suddenly, he felt something warm and soft around him. It was his Mom who sat down next to him and enevloped him into her tight embrace rocking him back and forth, murmuring a “it’s not your fault. You’ll be okay, both of you. You’ll see. It’s not your fault.” She sat with him until crack of dawn. She then replaced the now cold tea with a new one and the cookies with some salted crackers. She cupped Angus cheek to let him know that there was someone waiting for him. After breakfast, Jack would sit down on the bed again and tell Mac about the plans of the day: the vet would be coming today. The cattle needed the annual shot. The workers already started to round up the cattle. It would probably an exhaustive but eventful day. He promised Mac to stop by later and then went to work.

While Jack was at work, Edith settled down in the rocking chair in the opposite corner from Angus. She knitted, humming silently and once in a while she would look up to find that Angus hasn’t move.d Jack came by once in a while bringing a new cup of tea. After dinner he sat down with his kid again. He told him how one of the new guys underestimated the strength of a calf. It had been hilarious. He switched on the light on the nightstand and went to bed. Mac stood in front of him with a gaping bloody hole in his chest where the heart was supposed to be. He looked at him and accused him: “You left me! You left me just like the others. You killed me. Why? Why did you leave me?” Mac screamed at him and then Jack screamed until his Mom came and folded her arms around him murmuring: “It’s not your fault. You’ll be okay. You’ll both be. It’s not your fault.”

The next day Dr. Walter came by to assess Mac’s state. He was concerned and confirmed Matty’s words. He suggested them to get Mac admitted. Wait longer could only hamper the prospect of healing. He added to the worries by pointing out that Mac while in this state probably hadn’t been eating or drinking anything. Jack’s stomach twisted at the idea of admitting Mac to the psychiatric ward of a hospital, while the rational part in him saw the logic and need of it. But it also meant failure, because he wasn’t enough to help his kid anymore. His Mom remained calm and collected. She understood Dr. Walter’s reasoning, but asked to give Angus one more day. The mug was replaced again, the crackers, too. This evening Jack didn’t go to sleep in his bed. Instead he lay down on the bed in his kid’s room and rolled onto his side with his eyes fixed on his kid. It was probably the last few hours of privacy they had. Frank would arrange for Mac being admitted to a renowned facility the next day. His heart squeezed. Losing his kid had always been a risk he had to put up with, but he had always thought it would be through death in consequence of some heroic save-the-damn-world stunt. It never occurred to him that his kid might get lost in his own head without him having the means to drag him out again. It was a restless sleep. Jack woke up again and again checking whether maybe his kid had found his way back to him. He was disappointed each time.

He didn’t wake up with much hope left when the first sunbeams of the day filtered through the curtains. He woke up to a pair of blue eyes resting on him.

“Mac? Are you with me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: Does Mac eventually snap out of it? Will Mac and Jack get back to their bromance? There's a rocky road ahead of them and finding their way back is harder than both had expected.


	25. How do you feel?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac and Jack a like two planets that circle around each other, but don't the share the same elipse. Will they get back to their old relationship? Or do they have to built a new one?

Mac nodded, not trusting his voice. He felt awful. Exhausted. His limbs hurt. So did his head. All energy was drained out of him. Physically he was simply unable to move.

“Oh kid,” Jack said, got up and clasped Mac’s face with his hands looking him deeply into the eyes. Mac looked rough. His skin was nearly translucent and his eyes were blood shot and deeply sunken into his skull. They were surrounded by now even darker circles. Hollow cheeks. Sick. It was like facing a catastrophe with blood and flesh. Jack huffed at that thought. There was no more meat on the kid’s bones left. Skeleton in a skin suit. Jack shook off these thoughts. There were other priorities to tend to. He had to make sure that his kid wouldn’t get lost in his head again.

“You scared the hell out of me,” Jack said resting his forehead against Mac’s, but Mac didn’t lean into the touch as he usually would have. He wasn’t sure whether it was right to give in to this physical comfort after all he had done. Jack handed Mac the mug of tea which Mac accepted with shaking hands. Only now Jack noticed how bad his kid was shivering, but he also didn’t know what to do. To say that Mac felt ashamed for his break down was an understatement. It didn’t even come close to describe the discomfort he felt. He shouldn’t have lost it like that – again. He didn’t see what the others saw, what Jack saw: a young man, who’s been fighting the world’s evil for years, while his own demons reached closer to him. And he – Mac – was oblivious to their existence and now these demons caught up on him when he was most vulnerable and defenceless. There was now another fight waiting for him who had nothing left to fight with. For Mac it felt like he was imposing himself. He clung to Jack like he was his life line. It was weak and selfish. He shouldn’t burden Jack with his shit and he shouldn’t drag Jack’s family into this. He didn’t want to take advantage of their good nature. He should’ve stayed away. Jack had enough on his plate. He looked down on himself and felt even more embarrassed. He wore the same cloths he did when he left the Phoenix garage. This was beyond disgusting. He sighed. At least he knew what to do now. He put the mug back onto the nightstand and then carefully unfolded his limbs. His muscles were stiff and sore and that little bit of movement was tiresome. Jack watched his kid carefully. Mac was obviously past his limits. Pure stubbornness fuelled his movements. Jack just knew too well how these moments felt. He’s been living through them more often than he cared to admit. But Mac had always been by his side then. He had provided support and steadied him. Mac had always replaced the strength Jack had been lacking. Now it was Jack’s turn to provide that strength. It was his job to help Mac to pull through this.

He looked Mac over and then asked: “Shower?” He sensed that Mac probably wanted to get rid of the past days’ filth. Mac nodded and then went back on concentrating on his stiff movements. Finally, he managed to plant his feet back onto the ground. He didn’t dare to stand up, though. He lacked the solid grip needed. His legs were shaking. His whole body was. Awfully. Jack saw Mac’s hesitation and realised that his kid was in no state to get up and walk to the shower on his own steam.

“C’mon let me give you a hand,” Jack said reaching out for Mac who debated whether to declare defeat or to remain stubborn. He decided for the latter and pushed himself out of the wingback chair. The second he stood the earth started spinning. Jack saw Mac swaying and instantly was at his side. He slung an arm around Mac’s waist to steady him and keep him from falling. Mac fought him and tried to get out of his grip, but failed. Jack’s grip around him only tightened with his struggle. Mac had not much left to fight Jack’s determination. Jack ignored Mac’s attempts to push him away and guided him to the bathroom where he helped Mac to sit down on the lid of the toilette. It hurt him to see Mac being weak like this. It wasn’t the first time Mac needed his help. There had been enough missions that roughed them up quite good leaving them physically weak for weeks. But this time, it wasn’t a mission gone wrong that caused Mac’s condition. It was trauma that absorbed him and his energy. It was unknown terrain for both of them. Jack, however, was ready to navigate them through it while Mac wasn’t sure whether he should want Jack to sail together with him through these troubled waters.

“I’ll take it from here,” Mac said then. He needed to get a grip. He had to make it on his own steam, but Jack wouldn’t leave his side. He was sure that the second his kid would have to get back onto his feet, he would keel over.

“I don’t think so,” Jack for this replied. His kid hasn’t been eating for days not talking about sleeping. He’s been under a lot of pressure even before he went to rescue Jack. It was an act of impossibility to go own without help. Jack saw it. Mac didn’t want to admit it and ignored the fact that the short walk to the bathroom had left him breathless and with beads of sweat forming on his forehead. So, Mac hasn’t given up yet. He was stubborn enough to prove that he was fully capable of taking a shower on his own. Heck, he was an adult. A grown-up man. He had to do this on his own. He reached for the hem of his shirt to pull it over his head, but he failed. His right arm wouldn’t move. He couldn’t lift it. Jack stepped in to help him while thinking that even if Mac could’ve lifted his arm, he probably lacked the strength to pull the shirt over his head. Jack then examined the wound on Mac’s shoulder. The stitches were pulled out. Jack suspected that Mac did it himself at some point when the stitches annoyed him. The wound didn’t look good. The whole shoulder looked bad.

“You really need someone to have a look at it,” Jack commented and was about to help Mac out of his pants, but Mac slapped his hands away. His cheeks burnt with embarrassment while Jack didn’t take any notice of Mac’s face turning red. He just wanted to help. There was nothing wrong with it, right?

“I can do it from here,” Mac insisted, though. It earned him a snarky huff from Jack, because it was just ridiculous how his kid was capable of fooling himself. Even if Mac would lose his legs, he would tell Jack that he could walk on his own, Jack thought. He didn’t back off, but remained insisting. In protest, Mac crossed his arms in front of his chest. He ignored the fact that he was too old for putting up the act of a pouting teenager. But seriously, Jack was invading his personal space. He wasn’t ready for that. Not yet. He had kept this space all for himself during those damn three years. It was difficult to share it with someone again, with Jack. Jack sighed. He didn’t understand why his kid wouldn’t let him help. He didn’t want to see the distance those three years had caused between them. There was a gap in their relationship and they needed to bridge it until it could be mended. Usually, such things took a while, but Jack wasn’t a man known for his patience. He wanted to go on from where he had left. They had been separated from each other for long enough. It had to end. Now.

“Mac, stop that shit. We’ve seen each other in our worst states more often than we can count. Hell, I even ralphed all over you while you helped me to take a shower,” Jack reminded Mac of the consequences of a mission that went really bad. Jack had ended up with a bad concussion and a truck load of guilt, because they had lost a new member on his TAC team: young, married, becoming a father. He’s been seeking absolution in the bottle. No good idea. Alcohol and concussion don’t mix too well. On day three Mac had found him sprawled all over the carpet of his living room. Jack had passed out drunk. Mac had hauled Jack onto his feet and half carried and half dragged him to the bathroom, undressed him and then put him under the shower. Mac had been about to shampoo his head when Jack lost his stomach contents all over Mac’s button down. Mac didn’t care and just stepped under the spray of hot water with Jack and fully clothed.

“You were drunk and concussed. You’re not even supposed to remember that one,” Mac protested sullenly. That had been different. Jack really had needed help. He had been in really bad shape and it hadn’t been his fault. It had been different from his situation, because Mac had manoeuvred himself into the mess he sat in and now had to manoeuvre himself out of it.

“But I do,” Jack concluded and then helped Mac to undress and step into the shower. He made sure the water was comfortably warm and ignored the bones poking from underneath the translucent skin. Mac’s state was alarming, but Jack tried not to let in on. He didn’t want to crowd Mac with his concerns. The fight for getting permission to help Mac made him realise that the mutual understanding between them was gone. It had gone with him when he left to hunt down Kovacs. They had a long way ahead, but Jack was determined to mend their relationship while Mac was still not sure whether he deserved Jack’s kindness and attention.

The hot shower felt awfully good on Mac’s skin and it helped his aching muscles to relax. He tried not to think too much about the fact that the only one who kept him standing upright in the shower was Jack who made sure that he didn’t collapse into a pile of his own misery. Jack felt Mac’s body tremble under his touch. He wasn’t sure whether it was anxiety or sheer exhaustion or a combination of the two that made Mac tremble like that. He rested a hand between Mac’s shoulder blades. A gesture which he had always used to calm his kid. Maybe it was just his imagination, but after a few minutes he felt the tremors subside. Mac savoured Jack’s gentle gesture and he felt how the knots came lose. Building trust, regaining trust. Jack wasn’t out there to judge him. Jack wasn’t out there to hurt him, had never been. After feeling Mac relax a little more, Jack took the shampoo and gently massaged Mac’s sculp. It helped Mac to loosen his anxious tightness a little more. The trust was still there. Jack felt it. That was something Jack could hold onto. He helped Mac to lather up respecting his kid’s strong need for independence. It must’ve been difficult enough for Mac to reach out for Jack and ask for help in his own twisted way.

Jack allowed Mac a few more peaceful minutes under the hot steaming water before he turned the shower off and wrapped his kid’s thin frame in a towel and with another one rubbed Mac’s hair dry. He fetched the cloths which mysteriously appeared lying on the shelf – an old t-shirt from Jack – the Ramones – and sweat pants. Mac looked a little lost in these cloths. But that had to do for now. Then Jack guided him back to bed. The covers were neatly folded back and a new mug of hot steaming tea waited for Mac on the nightstand.

“Try to get some sleep,” Jack said when he had Mac safely tucked in. The kid looked beat and Mac truly felt exhausted. The mattress gave way under his weight and the soft pillows felt like home. Maybe he could really get some rest now and work out how to go on from here.

Jack left him. He still had a ranch to run and Mac curled together on his side and closed his eyes. But sleep wouldn’t come. There were too many thoughts raging through his head. His dad, who had given his life for him. Maybe if he had tried harder, he could’ve saved him. He was sure he could’ve fixed the remote detonator to set off the explosion from safe distance. He thought about his Mom. He wanted to restore her reputation, but he failed. Instead, he ran away like a little child. He should’ve done her justice. Then there was his aunt. She had realised her mistake, but never got a chance to make it good again. Of course, they knew that this could happen, but she had deserved better. He should’ve done more to rescue her. He failed. And then his thoughts circled around Jack. Again and again. In the few weeks he’s been back, Mac managed to send him to hell and back. Mac couldn’t tell how he was supposed to make it up to him. He’s been there for Mac and how did he thank him for it? By burdening his shit on Jack’s shoulders, while Jack had enough own shit to come to terms with. And then there was Kovacs and although Mac didn’t really feel sorry for what he did to him, it scared him. He was afraid of who and what he became.

With a frustrated sigh he turned onto his back. The best thing he could do for Jack was to get his bearings back together and get out of his head – compartmentalise. He really had tried for weeks now to dissect every event into tiny little pieces which he could stuff in the boxes or shelfs they belonged to. The boxes and shelfs were all neatly labelled, but most of them were already filled to the brim. The box labelled ‘guilt’ was already overflowing: Zoe, Nikki, Thornton, his Dad and his Mom, his aunt, this poor guy in the power plant. Jack. Again, and again Jack. It was too much. He needed much more space to store all these things away. But there was no open space left. His mind was stuffed and everything lay around bare at the surface and it hurt: hugging his father for the last time; learning who his mother really was; watching his aunt die; Jack; Jack bleeding to death; Jack nearly dying. He tried to put it all away no matter where to, just away, but it had settled down as a heavy lump on his chest and mind and he felt like suffocating. He was choking on it. And it tore at his heart – tore it apart.

Eventually, he gave up on sleep. He needed to occupy his mind with something or he would go stir crazy. He got up. He still felt a little shaky. Then it occurred to him: was it actually okay when he wandered around the house? Looking down on himself and with the cloths he wore – Jack’s cloths – he was far away from decent. He was about to open the door when a brunet woman – Jack’s sister – came into the room.

“Good, you’re awake,” she said eyeing him warily before asking: “I was about to get some lunch. You wanna join me?” She took the empty mug from Mac’s hand. Mac felt a little surprised and overwhelmed. Apparently, all Daltons had the same streak of hospitality: bone crashing kind.

“No worries about your cloths,” she went on as if reading his mind, “You haven’t seen Jack in the summer wearing only his boxers complaining he would overheat otherwise,” she scoffed and led the way to the kitchen before she turned around to face him. She raised an eyebrow and went on: “Sorry, I forgot you served with Jack in the sandbox. Of course, you’re familiar with that look. Probably have seen even worse.” She emphasised her words by rolling her eyes. It was easy to imagine that she didn’t share Jack’s taste of fashion. She wore a pencil skirt and a blazer. She looked like one of those business women at Wall street. Professional and sophisticated.

“As if this guy doesn’t possess any decent cloths that he could’ve given to you,” she ranted on like a fishwife. They reached the kitchen where Rosa and Edith prepared lunch. Mac thought it amusing that she had a maid but still couldn’t stop working herself. But Jack had told him that the workers lived on the ranch as well. Rosa was mainly responsible for their wellbeing.

“Lucinda, darling,” Edith exclaimed her eyes gleaming with affection at the sight of her daughter whom she enveloped in a tight hug. “and you brought Angus. That’s good,” Edith said hugging him too. She felt how his body stiffened under her embrace, but she ignored it and went on talking to her daughter: “How was New York?” she asked and put a bowl with rich salad in front of her daughter and a bowl of porridge for Mac. He needed to eat, but Edith knew that after days without proper food the stomach could easily be upset by too heavy meals. They had to make sure he ate regularly and kept his food.

“Tiresome, but we agreed on a success fee. Should be a little incentive for them to work a little harder,” Lucinda started talking about her business trip. Unlike Jack, she didn’t have the strong Texan accent, but he took that she was travelling a lot around the country. She worked with different marketing and advertising firms to place the Dalton meat properly on the market.

“Oh, and before I forget, please remind Jack to get Angus some proper cloths. This here,” she pointed at Mac’s current cloths, “is not fair at all.”

“Lil’ sis not everybody’s a fashion queen like you are, but no worries. I called Bozer and he’ll send some of your cloths,” Jack said stepping into the kitchen. He sat down next to Mac. He didn’t miss that his kid had hardly eaten something. He blamed his sister’s dominant presence for that. She was a little intimidating. Although she was the little one of the family, she had the sharpest tongue.

“Lucinda, I don’t know what you’re complaining about. You know your brothers’ favourite summer clothing. Compared to that, Angus looks like he was ready for Homecoming,” Edith chuckled and Mac blushed. Jack jumped in to defend his and his brothers’ honour, while Lucinda pointed out that Mac indeed perfectly embodied the California style, which made Mac turn beet red and Jack burst into laughter. Soon the rest of the family joined them and Mac was caught in the middle Dalton’s family banter which put his mind at ease.

When he lay in bed that night, his thoughts were chasing each other again. He was bone tired, but his brain wouldn’t shut off. Every time he closed his eyes, images of Jack’s unconscious and bleeding body appeared in front of his inner eyes; or he saw his father bleeding and crying the tears of their last goodbye while holding the remote in his hand; or his mother crouching next to him; or his aunt reaching for his hand. And he opened his eyes, because he couldn’t bear those images. At some point his heart started to race as if he had run a marathon. He got up and went to the bathroom. He splashed some cold water into his face to calm his running pulse. It was then when he heard the painful screams coming from the bedroom next door. Jack was caught in another nightmare. He relived the massacre of Tres Fronterras. He was fighting one of Kovacs goons, who pinned him to the ground threatening to slice his throat with a dirty knife covered in the blood of his comrades. He felt a hand grabbing him by his shoulder. He didn’t care. He wouldn’t give up – he couldn’t. He hurled his body up from the ground and swung his right fist at his attacker who loomed dangerously above him with a knife in his hand. He felt his fist connect with a hard cheekbone. A grunt. A crashing sound. A painful yelp, when Mac, who had tried to wake Jack and put a hand onto his shoulder, crashed with his injured shoulder into the nightstand next to Jack’s bed sending it down with him in the fall. Mac saw stars dancing in front of his eyes. Jack hadn’t lost any of his strength. Then more commotion. Edith came bustling in and rushed over to her son, taking him into her arms, rocking him back and forth to calm him down, while Frank crouched down to Mac to check whether the young man was alright.

“Angus, you with me?” he asked and Mac blinked at him while collecting his bearings which Jack’s fist had scattered across the floor along with Mac himself.

“Yeah…yeah, sorry…I should’ve known better. I know about his nightmare and I shouldn’t have touched him. Sorry for the mess,” Mac apologised for his mistake while cursing himself how he could’ve been possibly that dumb. He didn’t know what had gotten into him. He damn well knew how Jack reacted to being touched when caught in such a nightmare. His words were ignored, though, because Mac was the only one thinking that there was a reason for an apology. Frank took his chin and gently turned Mac’s face towards the light and hissed in sympathy.

“That’ll be a nice shiner, but I don’t think the cut needs stitches. C’mon up and let me have a better look at it and your shoulder,” Frank said. He saw that Mac had bit his lip during the fall that was now bleeding, too.

“Oh shit, hoss. I’m sorry. I’m sorry…I,” came from Jack, who was suddenly standing above him and helped him up back onto his feet.

“Jack, it’s okay. Not your fault. You didn’t hit me on purpose. I should’ve known better,” Mac tried to calm Jack, but it didn’t help, because after such a nightmare, Jack’s nerves lay bare on the surface.

“Jack, Mac’s right. This here is not your fault and Mac, neither is it yours. Accidents happen and now let’s get you checked out,” Edith said with Dalton-determination hushing her kids down to the kitchen where they could better inspect and treat the wounds.

Mac sat on the kitchen stool. Frank disinfected the cut on Mac’s cheek and lip, before handing him an ice pack. He then, without any further warning, peeled away the collar of Mac’s t-shirt to get a better look at the already damaged shoulder. It was red and swollen. Mac had trouble hiding the throbbing pain his crash landing onto the nightstand had caused.

“We’ll have a doctor have a look at it tomorrow. I’ll drive you to the hospital,” Frank decided without asking Mac and Jack first, because both men were in no state of making any grave decisions on their behalf. He exchanged a look with Edith who nodded. It was time that the more life experienced ones took over the command.

“Frank, I really appreciate your offer, but I can take Mac,” Jack interjected feeling the need to be with his kid, who sat in the kitchen and felt like a bystander while the decision makers talked about his business.

“You have PT and you make sure you go there,” Frank determined.

“I really appreciate your concern and effort, but I’m fine,” Mac protested while letting them know that he was still there.

“Angus, sorry to say that, but you’re far away from fine and you really need your shoulder get checked out,” Frank dead-panned him with a ‘don’t mess with me about this’ tone Mac only knew too well from Jack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: Mac tries to deal with the past events on his own and his usual way. Jack is left to watch his kid hurtin and it's unbearable. This causes a tension between them which is bound to explode.


	26. Malegría

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac's inability to deal with the past events strains Jack's efforts to rebuilt what got lost during those three years. Aka: Mac not only needs to get his shoulder repaired.

Mac sat in the waiting area of the hospital waiting for a doctor to come and examine the damage done to his shoulder. Mac knew that it was bad. He still couldn’t lift his right arm and the throbbing pain never dulled down entirely. The throbbing in his cheek reminded him of his little encounter with Jack. Mac didn’t get any sleep afterwards. He was bone tired and considered himself as wrecked.

“Mr. MacGyver, would you please follow me?” a nurse approached him. Mac got up. So did Frank who neatly put back the magazine he had been skimming through. Mac stopped. He wasn’t sure what Frank intended to do, but Mac surely wouldn’t let him go with him to see the doctor. Having Jack accompany him was already annoying. Frank was a complete stranger, though. And damn it, Mac was not a five-year-old anymore.

“I can take it from here,” Mac said assertive and followed the nurse. Frank did, too. Mac grew irritated. He looked at Frank hoping this gesture was enough to make him back off. It wasn’t. Mac stopped again and said: “Frank, you really don’t need to join me. Why don’t you make use of the time? I’m sure there are a few errands you could run while I’m with the doctor.” Mac had a hard time remaining polite, especially when he saw that Frank didn’t intent on leaving him.

“Angus, I don’t mean to offend you, but you don’t give the impression that you’re capable of making considerate decisions on your behalf,” Frank said calmly. Mac’s jaw dropped. He wasn’t sure whether he was supposed to feel offended, though. He was denied the competence of acting like a grown up and he didn’t like that. Mac was about to pipe up and put Frank back into his place, but then Frank put an arm around Mac’s shoulder making his point unambiguously clear. Mac huffed frustrated at the realisation that mother-henning and helicopter-parenting was a genetic disposition running dominant in the Dalton’s genes. Mac also was certain, no matter what he would say it would meet deaf ears and just like Jack, Frank would come up with a counterargument. No reason to waste his time or breath.

In the examination room, the nurse took Mac’s blood pressure. It was too low. Nothing new on that side. He always had a low blood pressure, he explained to the nurse. She raised a questioning eyebrow. His blood was taken. He made sure not to let her take it from the arm with the abused veins Murdoc used to administer that drug cocktail. He wasn’t in the mood to come up with a cover story to explain that scar. The nurse found reasons to complain anyway. It was difficult to find his veins. Nothing new either. The nurse soon came to the conclusion that she was dealing with a rather reluctant patient. Frank smoothed over the bumps by chatting cheerfully away over the fact that Mac behaved like a grumpy kid. It took Mac’s mind off, too. X-rays, MRI, CAT scan. He was in for the whole program. This was going to be a long day.

At some point Mac must’ve zoned out, because he blinked and when he opened his eyes again, he found himself lying on the examination table an IV sticking in his hand and a thin blanket covering his legs. Frank explained to him that he passed out after the MRI. Apparently, his blood pressure was a little lower than usual. The nurse took his blood pressure again. She didn’t hide her concern this time. When she was done, she told them that the doctor would see them in twenty minutes. Mac sighed and closed his eyes. Waiting in hospitals. Not really his favourite way of spending his time.

“You do know that taking care of yourself and being taken care of is not a bad thing in general, do you?” Frank asked him when the nurse left. Rationally, Mac knew that. Emotionally, however, it was a different story to tell. Not that he has had a lot of time to take care of himself lately. And somehow, when Jack left, he had decided that he had to stand onto his own two feet. He decided he had to stop to depend on someone else. It had been the time to grow up and be independent. It was difficult for him to discern independency from being cared for – to be loved even. The latter somehow always was accompanied with the feeling of being a burden to others. And the fact that Frank, who hardly knew him, had to waste his morning and noon in a hospital to babysit Mac, because Mac managed to give the impression of not being competent enough to handle it on his own, was embarrassing.

“Well, Jack already warned me that you’re a difficult patient. Not like he’s any better,” Frank went on and sat down in a chair next to where Mac was lying. He put a hand on Mac’s forearm and said: “I had my shoulder dislocated once. I fell off a horse, but we had not much time. There was a heavy storm coming up and we had to bring in the cattle. Jack’s father set my arm. But later, Edith found out and shooed me to a doctor. She can be very persuading, if she has to.”

“Well, I guess I’m in good company then,” Mac sighed.

It took thirty more minutes for the doctor to finally come to see them. The verdict was not good at all. There was some tiny shrapnel from the bullet in his shoulder. A source of potential infections. It needed to be removed. The force of the bullet had torn all but one tendon. He would need surgery to clean the affected area and maybe they could do something for the one tendon which wasn’t torn yet. The chances that he would be able to lift his arm any time soon – ever again – were slim. The damage done was a lasting one. Mac took in the information, but didn’t really process it. There wasn’t much to process. He was going to be crippled for the rest of his life. It didn’t help that the doctor kept emphasising that after all, the surgery was necessary to remove any sources of potential infection and to relieve the pain. The doctor looked at Mac and stated that he assumed that Mac was experiencing quite a bit of it. Mac didn’t know. His mind had been awfully occupied lately. He didn’t notice the pain, really. All in all, the injury wasn’t life threatening, since the damage was already done. However, it was life altering. Something, Mac really didn’t want to think about. For this, there was no rush to proceed and the earliest appointment Mac could get would be in three weeks. Performing surgery in Mac’s current condition was in any case way too risky. The doctor told him to use those three weeks to eat, sleep and rest.

The verdict couldn’t have been any worse. Eat, sleep, rest. How was he supposed to accomplish this? His mind wouldn’t shut off and the fact that he now was declared an official crippled didn’t help much either. Food was the last thing on his mind. He simply wasn’t hungry. His appetite was non-existent.

Frank and Mac drove home in silence. Mac still wasn’t sure what to make of that guy. At least that way he had a made-up explanation for the tension that built up inside of him. When they finally returned to the ranch, Jack and Edith were already waiting for them in the den. Jack looked at Mac. He was still worried. The kid was still too pale, too thin and the dark circles stood in stark contrast to his blue eyes. Mac wasn’t getting the much-needed rest. He read the tell-tale signs.

“Hey hoss, what did the doc say?” Jack asked, but before Mac had a chance to answer, Frank started to fill them in. At that point, Mac had trouble to hide that he felt offended by this seemingly paternalism. He sheer hated it, especially since he didn’t know the person that presumed to speak on his behalf.

“I’m fine,” Mac stated – a statement originating from stubbornness only. Jack sensed that Frank invaded Mac’s personal space, something Mac had little tolerance left for. He snapped. Understandingly. Jack remembered how often he had burnt his fingers when in an attempt of sheer providence, he tried to take over to give Mac some time to rest. It always ended up in snarky comments and Mac pushing his limits even further than necessary to prove his case. It had been a slow process for Mac to accept Jack’s help and to allow him to take over once in a while. Knowing the source of Mac’s self-reliance and independence, it was easy for Jack to handle his kid’s distrust and he slowly worked his way into his kid’s personal space. He couldn’t tell whether his presence there was still desired and tolerated, though. Thus, Jack casted warning looks over to his uncle when he replied to Mac: “Angus, you’re not fine. Remember, you passed out during the examination.” That, Jack didn’t know about, for which he gasped: “Mac?” in growing concern. That Mac wasn’t fine was obvious. However, he seemed to be really far away from it. It was Edith who noticed how Mac’s body tensed up. He was ready to jump like an animal caught in a corner. For Mac, it felt like the Daltons had finally ganged up against him. Their concern was smothering him. Edith knew Frank and Jack only meant well. They wanted to help, but she also saw that Mac wasn’t yet ready to accept their help.

“Angus, your friend Wilt Bozer sent some cloths for you. Maybe you’ll feel more like yourself in your own cloths,” she suggested to resolve the growing tension in the room and to give Mac an opportunity to claim back his personal space. Mac’s posture changed immediately at his friend’s name. He hadn’t talked to him since he helped Scarlett to escape from the Phoenix. And suddenly he felt bad. He had totally forgotten about Bozer. He turned around and went upstairs. He needed to call him.

When he was gone, Jack, Frank and Edith sat down and talked. Frank pointed out that Mac was probably in a state of denial after he finally got a chance to tell them what the doctor had said. Mac was denying that he was in the dire need of help physically and emotionally. To Jack it was obvious that his kid was struggling. He tried to compartmentalise and the process took longer than usually. Of course, it did. Too much in too little time. That was a feat of strength. Jack was still confident that his kid would bounce back eventually. He always did. That was his thing. Edith wasn’t sure about that, but she also didn’t know his kid as long as he did. At the end they all agreed that it might be better if they backed off a little and waited for Mac to come and open up to them. Mac had always been independent. But it had grown worse during the past three years.

For Edith, however, there was more behind this behaviour, which was polite but still sought to push them away. Just like Jack, when he met his kid again after those three years, she was reminded of one of the many abused horses that found shelter on the ranch. He was wary, somehow distrustful even and tried to keep them at a safe distance. He needed time but Jack grew impatient. He wanted his kid back. He didn’t accept that Mac was a different person from the one he had left three years ago. He wanted Mac back. The old Mac. The kid he had left behind. It was impossible. Mac simply wasn’t that person anymore.

Mac talked to Bozer. Long. He apologised for not having caught up with him any sooner and thanked him for sending his cloths down to the ranch. Bozer understood. He had seen what happened. He had seen the impact it had on Mac. He had accepted that his friend had changed and quit Phoenix, because it was time to leave it behind. Times had changed. Everything had. Bozer explained to him that it was time for him to move on. He would pick up his movie career. He still had the contacts he made before Russ turned up in their lives. Mac felt bad because he was responsible for yet another twist in his best friend’s life. He was really a lousy friend. He sat down and burried his face in his hands. The thoughts were racing through his mind again. There was Bozer nearly bleeding to death under his hands from a stab wound. It ranked very high in his top-ten guilt list. It would have never happened if it hadn’t been for him. Then there was the relationship to his Dad, which he never really got to mend, because he had been too stubbornly holding a grudge. And then there was Jack. Jack, who needed time to heal and Mac who was keeping him from it. And his thoughts kept on chasing and racing through his head. He sighed and picked through the duffle bag Bozer had sent. He couldn’t suppress the smile when he found his running shoes. That could work, he decided and got ready for a run.

When Jack saw what Mac was about to do, he shook his head in disbelief: “Are you nuts? You just passed out a few hours ago and now you want to go for a run?”

“Jack, I’m fine and I really need to clear my head. I’m going crazy,” Mac tried to make Jack understand, but failed, because Jack replied: “Then talk to me, Mac, but stop running yourself into the ground.” Jack was nearly begging his kid to open up to him. He was there, finally. He wanted to help. He had to help him, but his kid didn’t let him. Instead, Mac tried to go on as if nothing had happened.

“I…I can’t. It’s too much. I still don’t know where to start and where to stop,” Mac tried to make Jack understand. His mind was stuffed to the brim with images, thoughts, guilt and regret, emotions. It was overflowing. He feared that if he once started, he couldn’t stop himself. If he actually could start. He was blocked. Jack saw Mac’s inner turmoil, how he struggled. He saw it in his eyes. A storm raged inside of him. He stepped aside to let him go. Honesty needed to be rewarded and if this was what helped his kid, he wouldn’t keep him from it and Mac went for his run.

It was a fight. After what couldn’t have been more than twenty minutes, he was panting heavily. His heart was pounding hard against his chest and he felt like he had already run a marathon. He stopped and bent over to catch his breath. His temples were pounding announcing a building headache, while his mind started racing again. Why couldn’t he help his aunt. What could he have done differently? How could he have prevented those events which cost his aunt’s life? He shook his head and went on. He sped up hoping the strain would help to shut off his mind, but after a few feet he had to stop again panting. He gave up on the running part, but since he wasn’t yet ready to turn around and go back to the ranch, he decided to just go for a walk surrendering to the thoughts in his head.

He had no idea where he was going until he reached the creek. The creek. He went down to the bank and sat down. A brisk wind blew. He pulled his jacket a little tighter around his midriff, to preserve some of the warmth. He looked into the water. The water surface was restless. The wind confused it. And even though it was only a shallow wind that made for subtle waves, it still made a big mess. He watched the rippling water surface and in the blink of an eye, he thought he saw the image of his mother looking up at him from the depths. His mother, who had suffered so much injustice and was torn from life out of blind hatred; his mother, who was stolen from him because ambitions and hurt feelings of honour were more important than her life. Had Russ ever been thinking about what he had done? What consequences his actions would have? What would happen to Mac? Probably not and he couldn’t damn him for it, because he wasn’t any different. He killed Kovacs without second thought. He didn’t care whether there was someone, who might love him or be loved by him. He hadn’t cared about whether this man had a family. He was no different. He shook his head and threw a stone into the water destroying the picture and created even more chaos before he left and went back to the ranch where Jack waited for him anxiously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: Jack's at his wits' end and resorts to measure that push Mac only further away. Aka: Mac's emotional state is in tatters


	27. Against the Grain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack does everything to protect his kid even if it means to hurt him. Mac however is still not convinved that he just like Jack needs some help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! A Friday's chapter =) Thank you for your time and reading this story. It means a lot to me!!!!!!

Jack sat in a dark, damp and mould room – a basement. He was tied to a chair. He was shivering, but it wasn’t cold. The room was filled with a stifling heat. He was realistic enough to conclude that the blood loss and an infected wound were the cause for the coldness he was experiencing.

He had lost all sense of time. He didn’t know whether it was day or night or how many days had passed since he and his team were kidnapped. It felt awfully long though. He had no idea of what happened to his team. He didn’t even know whether they were still alive. He tried to shift into a little more comfortable position and hissed. A searing pain shot through his leg. There was still a bullet stuck in his calf and that for quite some time now. Jack shook his head. He was content that if not Kovacs’ goons killed him that bullet wound would. He had accepted his fate. It had been a possibility from the very beginning. It was okay. He only had wished to see his kid again to get a proper goodbye. He sighed and closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he wished he had never closed them. Huddled into a heap of dishevelled and bloody cloths lay his kid unmoving and miserable. His heartbeat went to two-hundred miles per hour. He wanted to scream his partner’s – his kid’s – name, but he had no voice. His mouth moved, he pressed air through his vocal cords with all force he could muster up, but nothing came out. He thrashed against the restraints. He wanted to get to his kid, but nothing happened. Then suddenly Kovacs was there. A dirty grin was plastered all over his face, but Jack couldn’t take his eyes off his kid, who wouldn’t move.

“You went on the hunt for me, but you killed him,” Kovacs snarled kicking the lifeless bundle that then turned to its side. Lifeless eyes kept staring at Jack. He tried to scream and reach out for his kid, but he couldn’t move.

“The very second you left, you killed him,” Kovacs said again and again and Jack’s heart tore apart. Each time another piece was torn out of it.

While Jack was back in Kovacs' cruel hands, Mac lay awake staring at the ceiling. He tried to grasp one of the many thoughts that ran through his mind, but failed. He had given up on an attempt to shut his mind off and fall asleep when he heard Jack tossing, turning and groaning. His heart clenched. Jack didn’t deserve these nightmares. Jack needed to rest. He deserved some peace after so many years in which he risked his life for the sake of the others – for Mac’s sake. Mac sat up and pushed the sensation of the still building headache away. He got up and carefully went to Jack. This time he was smart enough to not touch or shake Jack. Instead ,he cleared his throat and started talking to make Jack’s subconscious aware of his presence. Jack was usually hyper-alert bordering hypersensitivity when he was caught in such nightmares.

“Hey big guy,” Mac started and crouched down to be on eye level with Jack when he opened his eyes. Standing up could spark a fight reaction as long as Jack hadn’t processed that it was Mac and no immediate threat.

“You’re okay,” Mac went on soothing Jack, “You’re safe, at home, at the ranch,” Mac said calmly in a low voice. Jack responded with a grunt. His tossing and turning slowed down. And Mac went on talking to Jack: “Everything’s alright. You’re safe. Nobody’s here to threaten you.” Mac went on like this until Jack’s body stilled and brown eyes met his. When Jack realised that it had been nothing but a nightmare and that his kid was still alive, he leapt forward and pulled Mac into a fierce, bone crushing hug. His kid wasn’t dead, but very much alive and he was where he belonged: at his – Jack’s – side.

“Oh Mac, you’re still alive,” he mumbled and Mac chuckled a little and returned the hug, but Jack went on: “You’re real and breathing,” he said and then released Mac from his arms to take a good look at him, before pulling him back into the hug.

“You really are alive, are you?” he asked in the need of reassurance. He feared he was caught in some sort of loop and still dreaming. It didn’t happen often, but sometimes it did.

“Yes, last time I checked, I was still very much alive,” Mac replied silently and Jack hugged him even tighter and Mac ignored the ache in his back from the strange angle he was caught from crouching next to Jack’s bedside.

When Edith passed by, woken by the commotion, she smiled. Angus was helping. Jack would heal, but only if Angus would, too. Otherwise Jack would have to learn what it meant to lose a beloved one once again and she doubted he would recover from that. He’s had a hard time dealing with his father’s death. But he had known it would happen and got time to accept and deal with it. He got a chance to prepare himself for that loss. It had taken a toll on him, still. Edith doubted that Jack could ever accept Angus leaving for good. She sighed and went back to bed. How to help someone who was convinced that he was fine while he couldn’t be any further away from it? And it was this moment in which she remembered what Jack had said to her when Angus woke up after nearly killing himself: ‘this one went deeper – very deep. Too deep as if some tea and well-meant words could repair what got broken.’ These words made her suspect something else responsible for Angus’ defensive demeanour. What if they were facing the consequences of an underlying trauma which nobody had ever directly addressed before? This idea scared her, because she couldn’t tell how they were supposed to find out what triggered Angus’ ‘I’m fine attitude’. She was sure there was no way of helping him if they didn’t address the core issue. A subtle fear crept up her spine, because the prospect of not being able to help Angus grew so much more probable on this background and the more likely it appeared that they would lose him for good. It would shatter Jack for sure. And with this ice-cold grip around her heart, she went back to bed. It was the first time she doubted her abilities to mend what was broken. It was the first time she doubted that the Dalton family was enough to heal a broken soul.

It took Jack a while to calm down, but he eventually released Mac and looked a little longer at him. He made space on the bed and invited Mac to sit next to him and Mac followed that invitation. Jack drew the blankets over the two of them and then started talking about his nightmare, because he needed to let it out in the world and talking to Mac was just so much easier than to his family, because Mac understood. And Mac listened. His heart grew heavy at the realisation that Jack felt guilty for leaving him.

“Jack, there’s nothing to feel guilty for. I know that you would’ve stayed if you had gotten an actual option, but you had none. Nothing that happened to me or Riley or Bozer in these past three years is on you. That’s life, Jack. Things happen, good as bad and we can neither predict nor keep them from happening,” Mac said. Hypocrite flashed through his mind, because whom was he kidding? Wasn’t he suffering from the same disease called self-loathing? But that was not in question that very moment.

“But I had a choice. I could’ve said ‘no’,” Jack interjected thoughtfully, because he felt that back then he missed the right moment to say ‘no’.

“And what then? No job. Okay, you probably would’ve found a new one. But watching how the rest of us gets our assess kicked? No good. Hearing stories how people get injured or even died on a mission, which was supposed to be yours? Even worse,” Mac pointed out that Jack’s guilt trip would’ve been longer and more tiresome, if he had said ‘no’ and Jack admitted that Mac was right.

They sat like that until crack of dawn and Jack decided to get up and prepare some breakfast. Mac helped him, but then only picked at the pile of scrambled eggs and took the one or other bite. He wasn’t really hungry. His mind was too occupied to let anything else through but the need to eventually compartmentalise. Jack didn’t say anything, but made a mental note to ask Rosa to prepare some waffles for Mac next morning, while Mac tried to find a way to cure Jack from his nightmares.

During the day, Mac helped the workers as much as he could with his right arm being useless. Another fact he had yet to come to terms with and a fact which made Jack swear to God to give Desi a full-blown run down, if not even a knock down, should he ever see her again. The workers liked Mac. He repaired tools, gates and vehicles in no time and was easy to get along with.

In the evening, Mac would make sure to eat a little more for dinner, but his appetite was still lacking behind. Jack noticed, but he didn’t say anything. Afterwards he and Mac would talk for a while or just sit in silence before they went to bed. Jack would fall asleep only to be caught in another nightmare, while Mac wouldn’t fall asleep at all and would later coax Jack out his nightmare. Thus, they settled into their routine. Mac ignored the growing headache that increased with the growing lack of sleep, while Jack’s concerns would grow simultaneously. Mac seemed to disappear. He became thinner and thinner. He barely ate and the circles under his eyes told him that he wasn’t the only one having trouble sleeping. His kid wasn’t getting any better, but worse. Mac didn’t realise it. He was too occupied with his thoughts, the guilt and his failure to compartmentalise. It was tiresome to control his emotions. The events of the past years, he couldn’t grasp and catalogue them. It was such a mess. He lacked the capability to sort through it.

Jack watched Mac sitting on the porch rubbing his temples in an attempt to alleviate the headache. He sat down next to Mac and handed him a glass of self-made lemonade. Something sugary would help his kid, so he thought. He felt bad for keeping his kid from the much-needed rest at night. Mac shouldn’t have to get up every night and sit with him. But it felt so damn good to have him around again – to have him at his side. He was selfish. At least a tiny little bit. He saw the tremors going through Mac’s hands. They wouldn’t stop shaking anymore. That was wrong, because Mac’s hands never shook, no matter how close, no matter how dire and with only few seconds left. His mind and his hands always remained calm. Not now anymore. Mac couldn’t stop his hands from shaking and he couldn’t concentrate on a single thought. It was pure exhaustion and Jack took a closer look and saw that Mac’s whole body was actually shaking, something Mac hadn’t realised. It broke Jack’s heart to see his kid like that so he said: “I’m sorry. You need to rest and I’m keeping you from it. Maybe I can sleep in another room. It’s not like this mansion doesn’t have enough of them.” Jack’s words hurt Mac and made him feel even worse, because this was Jack’s home. Mac was a simple guest. If someone switched rooms, it was him. Jack’s shouldn’t have to worry about him. Not like this.

“Don’t be sorry Jack. It’s okay. I’m glad I can help. It’s not like I’m sleeping anyway,” Mac said in the dire need to soothe Jack’s conscience, while slipping up with his own problems which he had planned on keeping for himself. Jack was shocked by Mac’s confession and looked at him. His concerns doubled.

“When was the last time you slept? I mean really slept for eight hours straight and not this ‘I zone out for days thingy’,” Jack confronted Mac and he saw Jack’s worry, which got his guilt sparked. Mac knew that he was caught in a vicious cycle, but he couldn’t break it. He blinked at Jack, who asked again: “Mac, when was the last time you slept a solid eight hours?” Jack’s fear returned. He remembered Matty’s words about the effects of sleep deprivation.

“You know I’m not sleeping much. Never needed eight hours,” Mach tried to placate Jack, not thinking about the fact that Jack knew him better than anyone else.

“Okay six hours?” Jack kept on digging deeper into the issue, but got no answer, because Mac couldn’t remember the last time that he had gotten more than a nap. Jack swallowed and stared at his kid. No sleep. This idea triggered images. Images, Jack wanted to forget. Images from his kid laying in the damp sand at the creek. And here it was again, the anger followed by the fear of not being capable of protecting his kid – of not being enough to keep him alive.

“Damn it, Mac!” For this it erupted from his chest as the place of origin of this fear. He struggled for words, but found no, but he was determined to do something about this. Thus, in the evening he sat on the bed in Mac’s room and waited for him to exit the bathroom and go to bed. He had watched Mac at dinner. He’s been really struggling to eat. He cursed himself, because, somehow, he had seen the signs but didn’t step in. He let it slide. Other signs he simply ignored like the fact that Mac’s runs were much shorter than they used to be or that Mac avoided to talk about the past three years. So, he waited for Mac to come out of the bathroom.

“Jack?” Mac asked when he came out and found Jack sitting on the bed. He looked grim. Did so, since he let slip that he wasn’t sleeping properly.

“Ready for bed?" Jack asked him and then handed Mac a pill and a glass of water. Mac frowned: “What’s this?” he asked.

“Sleeping pill, you need it,” Jack replied matter-of-factly. He was not in the mood for discussing this with his kid. He wouldn’t take this risk.

“I’m not taking it,” Mac said handing Jack the pill back, but he wouldn’t take it but crossed the arms in front of his chest. This irritated Mac. He hated being patronised and that was exactly was Jack was doing. His kid was in no state to take care of himself so it was on him to do so.

“You will,” Jack for this deadpanned, which got Mac agitated, because he wouldn’t allow anyone telling him that he had to take some sort of drugs. Especially not when the side effects were worse enough to outbalance any good the sleeping pill could do.

“No, I won’t. You know that I don’t do well with this this stuff,” Mac countered frustrated that he had to remind Jack of the side effects.

“And you don’t do well without sleep either, so take it,” Jack countered not having forgotten about what Matty had said in the hospital about sleep-deprivation being one reason for Mac trying to jump over the edge. Mac pointed out that he wasn’t keen on living through yet another hangover from hell, but Jack shook his head. He didn’t care about a hangover when this was about saving his kid’s life.

“I don’t care. But what I do care about is protecting you and keeping you alive and I didn’t forget what happened the last time you’ve been sleep deprived,” Jack blurted letting off the pent-up steam he felt pressing hard against his chest. The fear.

“Jack, Matty made that one up so I won’t end up in a psychiatry,” Mac tried to make Jack understand that his little stunt at the lake was not caused by lack of sleep, but had a very rational component in it.

“You sure about that?” Jack huffed not giving way. He had trouble to comprehend why his kid had done it. Mac realised that he had to try to make Jack understand and that he had to explain himself.

“What was I supposed to do, Jack? You know the drill. Russ would’ve ruined everything you and your family have been working for so hard and I don’t even want to think about what Codex would’ve been capable of doing to you,” Mac explained to Jack, but his words met deaf ears. Jack didn’t want to imagine that Mac had to sacrifice himself for him – for Jack. This went beyond all of his understanding. This wasn’t how the game was supposed to be played.

“Yeah, and this Taylor guy just knew which button to push and you let him!” Jack yelled not believing that his kid would’ve pulled such a stunt if he had been in a better condition than he had been back then.

“C’mon Jack, you can’t be serious,” Mac nearly pleaded, but realised that Jack was just that.

“Oh yes, I am, because I’ve never been so fucking scared in my life. It hurt and I’ll never forgive you that one, because it was so fucking stupid,” Jack made his point and Mac knew he had lost this fight and somehow really fucked up.

“So,” Jack went on, “either you take it, or I’ll make you. Your choice,” Jack said being dead serious and Mac sighed in defeat. He could tell Jack wouldn’t give way and he wasn’t keen on finding out what Jack was capable of only to force him. At least he would be able to shut his mind off for a few hours, he thought dreading the hangover this would cause him. So, he swallowed the pill and went to bed. Jack watched him satisfied and his conscience was put at ease for now. Mac felt his body grow heavy and his eyelids slowly slipped shut. That was fast. Jack crouched down to Mac brushing a hand through Mac's hair. He was surprised that the effects of the pill kicked in that fast.

“I hate you,” Mac mumbled, before he got lost to a dreamless sleep and his breath evened out.

“Sleep tight,” Jack said before he left.

He went down to the kitchen. His mother sat there reading the newspaper. He sat down opposite to her. She sat aside the newspaper and took his hands into hers. She had listened to their argument. She wasn’t eavesdropping, but she needed to know what happened.

“You know, having kids is the greatest gift on earth. But they also confront you with your worst qualities. The fear of losing them drives you crazy. You want to protect them from everything and everyone, but that is impossible and you think you have failed and you’re not enough. Every bruise or scratch is proof that you haven't taken enough care of them. Every fight with classmates or teachers, every bad grade is your fault, because you didn't do enough. And it frustrates. You get angry, but you learn to deal with it and you learn that children are independent people who make their own decisions. But most of all you learn that they are not perfect and make mistakes and you live with it and you start to understand that they don't do these stupid things to annoy or hurt you. These things happen. They are a part of life and no one has any faults with them. So, don't be too hard on Angus. Don't punish him. Because believe me, whatever he did wrong from your point of view, whatever he did it to you, he didn't do it to hurt you. He cares about you too much for that. Because you are not just his friend or partner to him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: In denial of his incapability to deal with his past, Mac wants to go on with his life. Will it work out for him? Will the Daltons find a way to help? Or will they only remedy the symptoms?


	28. Bad Medicine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack + Mac = argument

He woke up to a pounding headache and he cursed Jack. He curled together to ease the cramps in his stomach. Yes, he did sleep, but he didn’t feel rested at all. He felt awful. Once again.

“Hey kid,” it was Jack’s voice, but Mac was really not in the mood to face him. He tried to hide away by pulling the covers further over his head. He couldn’t keep the groan from escaping his lips when another cramp ran through his stomach. This really had been one of Jack’s worst ideas, ever.

“Listen, hoss, I’m sorry. I lost it there. I’m just worried about you and I don’t know how to help you,” Jack tried his best to apologise for forcing his measures upon his kid. The conversation with his Mom had been sobering. It made him realise that also Mac was only a human being and not almighty. He deserved the right to make mistakes and to fail just like everyone else did. It wasn’t fair to expect that he had a solution to every problem and could solve every puzzle, while they got a pass every once in a while, when they struggled with their task at hand. There was one thing, however, that made him feel uneasy: Mac didn’t just struggle with a job or a mission. Mac struggled with his life. That was bigger than just a job. It was huge and unfair. Jack watched Mac, who still wasn’t in the mood to face Jack and was even further away from accepting his apology. He felt way too miserable for that. Thus, Mac remained mute not even acknowledging Jack’s presence.

“C’mon Mac, I know what I did wasn’t okay,” Jack went on after he didn’t get a reaction from his kid. He understood that Mac was probably angry with him. He wouldn’t hold it against him. They had to talk this through, though. He needed a sign from Mac that told him how he could help. But Mac wouldn’t give him one, because he was determined to make it on his own like he always did. But Jack would have none of his ‘lone-wolf-shit’. He put a gently hand onto Mac’s shoulder and tried once again: “Mac I’m sorry, so could you please at least give me a sign that you’re with me and not stuck somewhere in the depth of that nogging of yours?”

“Still hate you,” Mac mumbled like a sullen teenager, while his stomach cramped again. Jack noticed that Mac felt miserable and placed a bucket within the kid’s reach. He seriously felt bad for what he had done. It hadn’t been fair. He had been blinded by fear and for this he had developed a distrust against Mac, which wasn’t unjustified but led to some sort of what could best be described as displacement activity. Jack was ready to admit all that to his kid, but he would’ve liked to see his kid first.

“I know and I’m sorry, but I really would like to say it to your face,” Jack replied. Mac only curled together further, because a really nasty cramp insulted his stomach. Also, he didn’t want to hear an apology. He wanted to be left alone so he could get the peace and silence he needed to compartmentalise.

“Are you okay?” Jack asked when he saw Mac shift underneath the covers. This innocent question caused Mac to finally snap: “No!”, which caught Jack a little off guard and had him alarmed at the same time. Mac admitting that he wasn’t well always set off Jack’s alarm system. Though, he could also hear that Mac was way past the border of pissed off. This was going to be a walk on the tightrope and Jack was convinced, no matter what he did or said now, he would lose.

“Shall I call Dr. Walter?” he asked carefully what earned him only another snarky comment from Mac who was really fed up by now: “Do as you please. That’s the what the Daltons do anyway.” Jack flinched at that. That was to be expected. They only wanted to help and by doing so they had repeatedly invaded Mac’s personal space. And while Jack should’ve known better, Frank didn’t. It got Jack angry, because Mac’s behaviour didn’t leave them an alternative than to force themselves upon him. Mac was still trying his ‘I’m fine tour’ with them, although it was obvious that he wasn’t fine and that made it so much more difficult. But Jack accepted his share in this reaction and let it slide for now.

Later that day Doc Walter scolded Jack for having forced the sleeping pills upon Mac. They were particularly strong ones prescribed to Jack for his PTSD. Taken on an empty stomach, it was no surprise that Mac felt miserable. For someone like Mac who suffered severe side effects, this was really a rough punishment. Other than that, Mac’s symptoms were nothing to worry about. Effect of strong meds on an empty stomach. He prescribed some acid blockers and a mild sedative of which everybody knew Mac would never take. The Doc used the opportunity to point out that in Mac’s case, weight was starting to become an issue. The flu season had just started and a nasty bug was going around and Mac didn’t seem to have many resources left to fight against it. He also once more suggested to get Mac some professional help. Mac would benefit from it. Jack was convinced of that, but he and Mac also knew that Mac couldn’t just walk into a normal shrink’s office and start talking about what was on his mind. The Phoenix could’ve provided that help with doctors having the needed security clearance. But that was not going to happen. They dropped Mac like a hot potato. That made Jack angry once again, because it was unfair. Mac bore the consequences of everything and gained nothing. He had given everything and got nothing in return.

Later, Edith brought Mac some tea to settle his stomach and talked to him. The tension between him and Jack didn’t remain unnoticed. As the family’s diplomate it was her job to smooth the waters.

“Jack didn’t do it on purpose,” she said, “He’s just worried about you. Seeing you like this scares him. He wants to help you, but he doesn’t know how and I know this is not easy for you, too. You’re trying to go on and to stay afloat, but that keeps you from healing. You need to stand still for a while and just face what happened. It will be awful, but you’ll feel better afterwards,” Edith said trying to coax Mac out of his sullen state. He knew that her words were right, but he wasn’t actually listening to the part that expressed concern and care, but to the one which told him that he was keeping Jack from healing by burdening him with unnecessary worry.

“Angus, it’s not a bad thing to fall down. It’s not a bad thing to be vulnerable or to be a human being. It’ll help to let others accept that you’re not almighty and that can actually be a good thing,“ Edith said. She had to weave a safety net for Angus so he could actually let loose and himself fall. But she also saw the hesitation. Hesitation which stemmed from Jack’s expectations in his kid: bend not break. And while Edith didn’t blame her son for this as Angus with his lean and self-confident appearance conveyed the image of a strong unbreakable hero, she saw that it might be these expectations which kept Angus from finally letting go. Jack all the while thought he didn’t expect anything from Mac. He only wanted his kid back. He needed the world to return into its axes and be normal again. He would accept a new normal as long as it encompassed his kid. Mac was not sure whether this was possible. He had changed. He wasn’t the boy Jack had left behind. But Jack would even accept that, like a father would accept that his son was a grown-up man. He only wanted Mac to snap out of his funk. He wanted his smart-ass comments, watch him tinker with all kinds of projects and go crazy about a new hypothesis he had been reading about in one of those journals he used to read. He could cope with a little darker, a little quieter and a little more settled. What he couldn’t deal with was his kid physically and mentally fading away in front of his eyes.

And it was this agony Jack felt and that he couldn’t hide from Mac, which caused Mac to pack his bags. He had to leave. Jack needed his family and his ranch to get over Kovacs. Mac had to find another way to cope. He could not and would not impose himself any further. It was time to get his bearings back together and if it didn’t work the easy way, it had to be the hard way, however that one would look like.

“You wanna leave?” Jack asked surprised to see Mac standing in the bedroom packing his bags. Mac turned around. He felt a little like a thieve caught in the act while Jack felt like being punched in the gut.

“It’s better that way,” Mac replied. Defeat swayed in his voice. Jack’s posture stiffened. This was the opposite of what he had wanted to reach during the whole time. He had put all his efforts in letting Mac know that he was most welcome on the ranch and that he belonged there like anyone else. Obviously, it didn’t sink in.

“For whom?” he asked demanding an explanation. He wasn’t ready to let Mac off the hook that easily.

“For you, for me, it’s…” but Mac was cut off by Jack: “It’s bullshit.” Jack was angry, because his kid thought it was better for him – Jack – if he left. Mac sighed and ran a tired hand over his face. He had known that Jack wouldn’t want to understand. It annoyed him. Jack could get so awfully complicated and Mac was tired. He wasn’t in the state to take on a complicated Jack.

“Jack, we have to be honest. I keep you from healing. You’re worried and you shouldn’t be. You need your energy and support. I’m in no state to provide you this and I’m also not capable of taking the worries away. I can hardly manage on my own and that has to change, but it won’t as long as I hide away here,” Mac once again tried to make Jack understand, but he wouldn’t, because he saw something else there: Mac was running again.

“Mac, stop running away from what happened and start talking. Face it,” Jack replied with stern voice stepping inside the room to get closer to Mac, to even block his way. Mac felt the aggression caused by Jack’s anger.

“Jack, I told you that I can’t. I’m not like you. I don’t talk. I make things up with myself.” Mac desperately tried to make Jack see that he was different from him. He had other coping mechanisms and it wasn’t good if Jack forced his own measures upon him. That didn’t work. Mac didn’t work like that.

“You can do it here,” Jack was reluctant to let Mac go. He had a bad feeling about it. He was afraid that Mac would at some point ignore his issues – whatever they were – and go on as if nothing had happened. And he couldn’t allow that, since Mac had proven of being capable of the stupidest things.

“No Jack, I cannot,” Mac snapped well aware that they were having yet another argument and that his condition was the reason for it. Jack was about to say something, to tell Mac that he only needed to tell them what he needed and they would provide it to him, but Mac wouldn’t let him say one more word and went on: “You’re cocooning me here and that’s not okay. I need to get back to L.A. and pick up the pieces that are left of my life and go on,” Mac explained to Jack. He had to do this because otherwise he feared to eventually crumble under the pressure of the past’s events. But Jack didn’t want to hear any of it. He was fed up. He was fed up with worrying about Mac. He was tired and sick of it. Mac being away, out of sight and earshot would only make it worse. It was easier having him close by. It was easier to bear. Jack shook his head, because he knew that Mac only ran away and this wouldn’t help him at all. He was about to bottle it up and then what? At some point that bottle would explode and Jack was sure his kid couldn't put that Djinn back into its bottle again.

“Damn it, Mac! Stop running away,” Jack hissed trying to hold his temper.

“I’m not running away!”

“You are, but you label it ‘going on’. So, stop it. Stop going on and just stay fucking still for a while,” Jack yelled having lost the battle against his temper.

“How? Jack? How am I supposed to stay still? I don’t know how!” Mac then yelled back not giving shit about what he said anymore and went on: “I always went on. Angus your Mom died and now please stop crying and go on. Angus, your Dad left and won’t come back, now get ready for bed ‘cause it’s a school’s night. Angus, your instructor just blew up in front of your eyes, but you have to go out there and disarm the next IEDs. No matter what, it’s always: Mac you have to go on. So, don’t blame me if that’s what I’m doing now!” Mac yelled zipping his bag closed. He then walked past Jack who simply stood there realising that Mac only applied what he was taught. He should run after his kid, but he couldn’t. He was paralysed. The depth he had always anticipated was slowly unfolding in front of him and it was scary. It was scary to see that Mac indeed had some severe issues and indeed was just broken.

Mac was fuming, but wasn’t sure whether it was because of rage or anger or sadness. He heard the blood rush in his ears and his heart thumped hard against his chest. He clenched his jaw tight to keep control. On his way out, Frank blocked his way. Mac sighed a breath of frustration. Didn’t the Daltons know when enough was enough?

“Angus, don’t go. Not like this,” Frank said in a calm gentle voice. Frank understood that they asked too much of someone who was used to getting his way, simply because there had never been anyone around who cared. They asked too much from him if they told him to talk and eventually break down so they could do the job of piecing him back together. But they were also afraid of the consequences if they gave in and let him have it his way. Frank was glad that Angus was polite enough to not just march out of the door. At the end, Mac knew that his tantrum was addressed to the wrong targets. Logically, he knew that they meant well and wanted to help, but it was smothering him and the expectation, not matter how low, that he might be the person again he’s been three years ago sat like a crushing weight on his shoulders.

“Angus, if you leave now, Jack won’t be able to catch your fall and he cannot pick you up when you hit the rock bottom. Here, you’re safe. We can hold onto you,” Frank tried to make Mac understand why he should stay with them, but Mac just shook his head. If he fell, nobody would ever come to catch him. He had learnt that lesson the hard way. That was why he needed to get his act together and start compartmentalising.

“No, it’s better, if I go,” he therefore said and left, but he was still within earshot when Jack told Frank: “Angus MacGyver doesn’t fall. He’ll always fly higher than the pile of shit underneath him is high. He’ll fly until he’ll crash and burn.”

Mac didn’t understand what Jack wanted to imply with this. The light-headedness he felt interrupted his thinking. He blinked to clear his vision from the white spots that danced in front of his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: They can at least try and cure the symptoms, right?


	29. Crisis Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing but fluff and a little bit of whump.

Jack watched his kid and ran his shaking hands through his hair. He had watched Mac collapsing like a puppet with its strings cut. He had watched it, without there being anything he could’ve done to prevent it. How was he supposed to help Mac? He had no answer to that. Instead of thinking about further options and alternatives, his mind stayed blank while his hands folded and unfolded the leaflets the doctor had given him. Mac looked god awful and the fact that they actually managed to insert a NG tube was enough for Jack to know how bad it was. Mac was beyond exhaustion. Mac was at the thin border of being malnourished and the reason for his collapse was a plummeting level of blood sugar and pure good old exhaustion. Forced fed. NG tube. Mac would hate it. Jack remembered one time when a mission went really bad and they’ve been wandering through the jungle, injured and more dead than alive. Phoenix medical staff decided to artificially feed Mac. The attempt of inserting a NG tube ended in a trashed examination room and a heavy nose bleed for Mac. The doctors had to give up on that attempt. And now? Mac was too weak to fight off any insult. He probably hadn’t even regained consciousness when the medical staff made the decision. Mac was about to crash and burn. Jack saw it. There was no way to fly any higher.

And then there were those blue eyes. They were dull. Sediments had covered the real depth and what was hidden down there. Mac wasn’t ready to let it surface. He simply wasn’t capable of doing so. Jack had finally understood. After all Mac was no Dalton and forcing the Dalton way upon him was bound to failure. Jack only hoped that it wasn’t too late. Mac knew that Jack and his family didn’t mean to offend him, but how were they supposed to handle a not only physical but also emotional cripple like him? He had been denied the chance to deal or come to terms with. Instead he had shoved it aside to bottle it up, so he could go on functioning and fulfil his purpose. He had done so over and over again. And it was so difficult to make Jack understand, while Mac knew it would be so much easier if he simply let him in. There were rare moments in which he wished he could make Jack see the demons which the past events had triggered to surface. Mac was convinced that it could make things so much easier. But he couldn’t make this one step, because it would mean that he had to finally admit to having unresolved issues, which was tantamount to failure. And failure was nothing he was entitled to.

Mac looked into those tired brown eyes and felt immensely bad for what he did and had done to cause this look. His heart broke and the pieces pierced through him. It stung. It hurt. He hurt and worst of all, he hurt Jack.

“They couldn’t rule out an eating disorder, so they gave me these,” Jack said tiredly and held up the leaflets that contained information on symptoms and how to get help if a family member or friend suffered from an eating disorder. Mac gulped maybe that was his problem. He was confused enough to accept everything that promised him to overcome the poor state he was in. He would accept everything if it stopped him from hurting Jack any more than he already had.

“And?” he asked quietly only now realising an annoying itch by an annoying tube shoved up his nose. He groaned when he realised what it was, but accepted it. He didn’t deserve any better. He fucked up along the line and Mac cursed himself that he hadn’t had gotten a grip and stopped himself from it. How had he let it come to this? He had always been able to stop himself before he hit the rock bottom, but this time it felt like he couldn’t stop himself from falling. No matter how deep, deeper always remained an option.

“Well, these here, no. Because dude, you’re all, but not exactly discreet when it comes to puking,” Jack said before binning that leaflet. The heavy atmosphere remained, because Jack was out of his depths here. Maybe these leaflets contained the answer to the question of why he wasn’t enough for his kid anymore. Maybe there he found the reason why he couldn’t help Mac the way he usually had done. He held up another leaflet and went on: “This here, however, I’m not sure. You’re obviously not eating and I don’t know whether there are other symptoms to look out for. Maybe I should do some research on this,” the last sentence was only mumbled to himself when he folded the leaflet and put it into his pocket. Mac accepted that answer. Maybe he should think about it a little, too.

“Anyway, I…I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how to help you,” Jack went on. The words tore Jack's heart apart. Jack had trouble to suppress the tears while sobs threatened to choke his words: “But I can’t do this any longer. I can’t watch you like this anymore. You’re destroying yourself and I can’t stop you. That hurts, but what hurts most is that you’re probably not even able to stop, because you don’t have any other means to deal with what had happened. I try to help you. Since I’m back I try to reach out to you, but you’re too far away. I’m sorry, but I really don’t know what to do anymore,” Jack said and then left the room with a heavy heart and tears forcing their way out the very second he closed the door behind him. Maybe Mac’s better off without me, he thought and walked down the silent corridors of the hospital. Jack has never made such a tough decision before. He felt terrible for leaving his kid, but he didn’t know what else to do. And Mac accepted it, because Jack deserved better, but it fucking hurt. It hurt him, too. Everything what happened hurt him, too, it only didn’t seem to matter. It never did. And his heart screamed at him to run after Jack, to call out for him to make him see that he did matter to Mac. Jack mattered to him much more than his own life, but he couldn’t muster up the courage to pronounce this. He wasn’t supposed to rely on someone. He was supposed to figure it out on his own and fix it. And no matter how often Jack told him that this was bullshit, this was the truth Mac had come to live with. Accepting a new truth wasn’t easy.

Mac lay on his side curled together. Chills went through him and the thin sheet they gave him as covers did nothing to retain any warmth. He’s been able to convince the doc that he didn’t have an eating disorder. To prove his case, he managed to eat the hospital food that neither in taste nor in texture had a right to be absorbed by his stomach, but he kept it in anyway and was rewarded by the annoying tube being removed which left him with a nose bleed that still didn’t quite stop. He was pouting. Everything felt so unfair. He wished he could sleep, but he couldn’t. His mind didn’t shut off and he felt so awfully cold. He was wallowing in his misery and he really didn’t care anymore.

He didn’t notice that Edith entered the room, packed with a bag of books and her knitting. She moved carefully and silent. She didn’t want to startle Angus in case he was asleep. Jack came home, heartbroken and sullen. He told them that he couldn’t take it anymore. Now she was on her mission to sort out what stood between her boys, because they needed each other. Angus needed Jack, because he was the only one whom he allowed to take care of him - whom he allowed to love him. And Jack loved Angus as if he was his own flesh and blood. To turn away from him was like losing a limb. He would never get over the grief.

She sat down and watched Angus who only noticed her presence when her warm hand cupped his cheek. With her thumb she gently stroked it and then carded her hand through his hair. He imagined himself to remember how his mother had done this. But he didn't know for sure. He turned around to look at her. He expected her to tell him that it was better for all of them – for Jack – if he went back to L.A. and left the ranch.

“What are you doing here?” he thus asked to get it over with and Edith felt how Mac was about to brace himself for an act of rejection and it hurt to witness it. Angus was not capable of realising that he was worth fighting for.

“My kids are fighting and as mother it’s my job to make sure that my kids get along,” she replied. Her words met disbelief, so she went on: “You might not feel it yet, but you are as much part of the family as Jack is, as Lucinda is, as Duke is, like Henry is, like Donald is. Your head is not yet ready to comprehend it, but when it does, you’ll feel it, luv. You’re way too head driven, while Jack’s way too emotional. That’s why I’m here. Since you’re the one using his head more often than his heart, I suspect it is easier to talk some sense into you,” she scolded Angus and Mac was more than a little surprised.

He wanted to say something, but he was grasping for words like a fish grasped for air when lying on the beach and Edith used this momentum: “Jack’s right when he says that you have to snap out of the funk you’re caught in, because look at yourself. It’s becoming dangerous and Jack’s not a coward. If he turns away, because he can’t take it anymore, then it must be bad. But I also understand that you have your own ways of dealing with your demons. We and especially Jack have to accept that. But no matter how you plan on dealing with whatever torments you, you’ll need energy which you don’t have. Since you came to the ranch the first time, you’re not getting better, but worse and that has to change. Now,” she said satisfied with her motherly determination and went on: “And I don’t want to hear anything about ‘but Jack did’. Believe me, he’ll get an earful, too. It’ll be just more impactful if I can tell him that you have started to work on your part of the deal,” she said and gave Mac some time to let the words sink in.

He still waited for her to tell him that it was better if he left them, but that never came. Instead Edith produced several books out of one of her bags and carefully placed them on the hospital bed next to Mac. Edith saw the anticipating tension in Mac’s body and her heart sank. He still expected her to turn around and leave. What must’ve happened to a young soul that he didn’t expect from someone to stay, let alone ask someone to? And then she remembered her son saying something about abandonment issues and that Angus had been left behind once too often in his life and it made sense that he didn’t expect them to stick around. So, she reached out and took one of Angus’s hands into hers squeezing it reassuringly. And Mac understood she would stay at least for now.

Edith then went on with her agenda. She told Mac that most importantly Mac had to get some rest and that included a decent night’s sleep. Edith made it first priority because Angus’ lack of sleep was triggering most of Jack’s fears and probably made Angus snap more than necessary at Jack. If she wanted some peacefulness back under her roof, both men had to relax. Hence, Angus needed to sleep. She had talked to some of the veteran wives in her book club and all agreed that what was most decisive were sleeping habits that had to be strictly complied to. It was supposed to help the body to prepare for sleeping. It also was necessary to put the mind at rest. Some suggested a diary or some silent conversation before turning the lights off. Others suggested reading and Edith opted for this one. Angus was not yet ready to share what went on in his head. Therefore, she had brought several books. They needed to find out what could help him to shut his mind off.

Mac suggested those journals he used to read, but Edith wasn’t happy about that, because for sure this would rather stimulate his mind than put it to rest. Mac had to admit that she had a point. Reading an article could leave him thinking about it for hours. Desi had hated it. Edith had talked to Jack and looked into what Mac might like to read. Jack came up with Michael Crichton and Frank Schätzing and this whole science and sci-fi genre, since Jack knew that Mac had read all H.G Wells books and essays. She handed Angus “Limit”, after Jack carefully pointed out that “The Swarm” could hit a little too close home.

Mac took the book and watched how Edith waited for him to actually start his new sleeping habits at that very moment. After an hour and several comments from Edith telling him to actually read the book and not only to thumb through it, which by the speed he turned the pages was the best assumption, she took the book out of his hands and told him to lie down and sleep. Mac was still not really convinced that this could help him any. Even while reading his mind had started to come up with this and that. It had kept him from properly concentrating. He was actually surprised to even know what he had been reading about, since his mind had been so awfully occupied. Nevertheless, he did as he was told not daring to take on one Edith Dalton and closed his eyes. He listened to the soft clicking of Edith knitting while she hummed a soft tune.

After a while he drifted off, but to a place where the guilt he carried on his mind was visualised. He saw how his father sat bleeding on the floor. He leant against the barrels with the detonator in his hand, which Mac was supposed to fix, but failed to do so. He looked up at Mac and his lips formed the words “Why?”. Instead of staying with his father and explaining him the reasons, he turned around and left. He left like a coward fleeing from the evil he once had caused. He ran through dark corridors. People were screaming, but he didn’t see them and he couldn’t make out the words. It was all mashed into one sound of misery, but it did nothing to Mac. He kept on running as if the screams didn’t concern him – as if they had nothing to do with him. Finally, he reached a door. He opened it and entered the room. A woman was there. Her back was turned towards him. She had dark brown hair and a lean frame. Mac instantly knew who she was. He went towards her, but didn’t say a word. She turned around. Her green eyes stared at him and she asked him “Why?”. He had no answer to it and he turned around and left running. He ran along the dark corridors. He still heard the people scream and he ran. He ran as fast as he could. He ran and then there was a door. He didn’t care where it led to and pushed it open and then he was outside. He stood in the centre of a field. It was quiet. Nobody was there. He was free, but his hands felt strange, as if coated in something sticky and when he looked down, he saw that his hands were covered over and over in blood.

Edith didn’t hesitate when she got up from her chair and went over to Angus after she noticed the tell-tale signs of a nightmare. He didn’t toss and turn as violently as Jack did, but his breath went fast and she could hear him mumble inaudible words. His body was tensed up. It was nearly cramping. She went to the foot of the bed and put a hand onto his shin. His body stilled.

“Angus?” she tried to carefully wake him up, “Angus, open your eyes. You need to wake up,” she told him, but his breath wouldn’t slow down. Jack probably would know what to do – how to calm Angus down. He knew him so much longer and better, but he was not there and it was on her to try. She debated whether it was safe to get a little closer to Angus and decided that it was. At least he wasn’t thrashing as violently as Jack used to. Thus, she got a little closer and put a hand onto his arm that was trembling with tension.

“Angus, you with me again?” Mac felt that there was someone. He felt the hand on his arm. He had no idea who it could be and anticipated an immediate threat. He bolted upright to fend off whatever was there to attack him.

“It’s just me,” Edith said interpreting the reaction as the foothill of a well-trained fight and flight mechanism. Blue eyes immediately darted to her and Mac sighed a breath of relief when he realised that it had only been a bad dream and that he was finally awake now. He needed some time to return to the here and now, though.

“You okay?” she asked him concerned as she didn’t get a response. Mac couldn’t answer, because his stomach called in with bad news. Fortunately, Edith had raised enough kids to see when an accident was about to happen and grabbed a kidney bowl to prevent the worst. And Mac groaned, because he was sure this was not helping his case in front of the doctor.

The next day and one gastroscopy later, a silent and subdued Jack came by again. His Mom had given him an earful. She told him that he should stop expecting and start understanding. Angus wasn’t a Dalton by blood, but by heart – by theirs at least. They had to accept that he dealt differently. She told him that they should limit themselves to help Mac with his symptoms so he gained the strength back to get to the core of his issues. And Jack listened and understood. Hadn’t Mac actually tried to tell him just that?

Now he was back with his kid an apology on his tongue when the doctor entered the room. Jack was about to leave, but was stopped by Mac who simply said: “Since when do you leave, when it’s getting interesting?” And Jack understood that one, too. No apology needed. They were both stubborn and idiots at times. This was what made Edith conclude that although Angus didn’t grow up with them, Jack made a good job raising him the Dalton way. When she was done with Jack and since she was still in her Mama bear mode, she put Frank in place. They didn’t know Angus for long. They didn’t know his past and what lay buried under the sunny nature. This should be enough reason to be careful. One never knew what triggered what. Satisfied to see that her words sunk in, she declared that they needed to give Angus a daily routine at the ranch – integrate him. Frank pointed out that since Mac couldn’t lift his right arm anymore, it could be difficult to find him some proper chores at the ranch. That earned him a glare from Jack, who said that in no time nobody would even notice that Mac had a problem, since he would find a way to work around it. For this, Edith once more scolded Jack and told him to lower his expectations. It was Jack, who then reminded Archimedes and how fond Mac must’ve been of the dog. They had several herding dogs and Jack was convinced that not only Mac would enjoy working with them, but also was capable of training them. Thus, it was agreed to leave the dogs chores to Mac and to let him do what he could do best: repair and improvise.

However, Mac needed to be released from the hospital for this. He was still weak and was diagnosed with a bad gastritis, which explained his trouble eating. It was very likely the consequence of the neglects and onslaughts of the past few months. The list of food Mac was actually now allowed to eat was short and it was decided to help Mac with protein shakes. Jack offered him a life line – a conditioned one: “If you agree to a few days of actual bed rest and I’m not talking about sleeping, just rest, I might convince the nice doctor to cut you loose.”

Mac accepted that deal as he accepted the doctor’s diagnosis and the treatment. He was not in the mood to fight any suggestions anymore. Not the doctor’s nor, Edith’s, Jack’s or even Frank’s. He had realised they meant well and he also knew that he wasn’t capable to get out of this mess – his mess – on his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: Mac settles into a new routine at the ranch. The question of who is to blame as well as a visitor turn up on the ranch.


	30. Fuck you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac and Jack start to wrap their heads around the past events. It slowly dawns to Mac that maybe there is a more serious underlying issue which he tried and tried to ignode. And while both men try to recover, a visitor comes to the ranch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and leaving kudos to the story. I really appriciate it. Sorry for posting only one chapter this late this week.

Mac found his routine at the ranch. Together with the workers he got up in the wee hours of the morning. He just couldn’t stay in bed longer than necessary. He wished he could, but his mind and body were asking for a distraction and the longer he stayed in bed the louder did his mind and body scream. So, he fed the dogs and would try to eat some breakfast. Sometimes with success, but more often he only managed a plain toast. Since he wasn’t allowed any coffee anymore, Edith had prepared herbal teas for him. She had a vast assortment of teas for him: for breakfast, for lunch, for supper, for when he couldn't fall to rest at nights, for stomach cramps, for simply every life situation Mac could face at the ranch. He was quite busy during the days. There was a lot to repair at the ranch and it felt good that people needed him and not only as a shield that protected them from harm with his own life. He was about to find a new purpose and while it didn’t take away the nightmares or shut off the guilt, it helped him to fall a little more back into his balance. Jack, Edith and Frank watched Mac like hawks. There were improvements. Small ones. For example, when working with the dogs brought a little smile to his face or when he trained those young dogs for which Frank had already given up all hope. There were setbacks. Disastrous ones. For example, when they feared that Mac was about to go crazy, because he didn’t get any sleep for days in a row or when the doctor at the hospital cancelled Mac’s appointment for his shoulder surgery, because Mac’s condition still didn’t improve much.

It was painful to watch Mac adjust to his new handicap – a missing function in his dominant limb. He often would raise his right arm to fetch something from the upper shelves only to realise that the arm didn’t respond to the command given by the brain. He would squeeze himself beneath a car or truck to repair it, just how he used to, only to realise that it didn’t work that way anymore. And he grew frustrated and threw tools into the dust of sheer frustration about his handicap. It pained Jack to watch his kid like this, but Mac had to work his way around his handicap like Jack had to work his way around his. It was definite that he would never lose the limp. The damage done by the infected bullet wound had been too extensive. And thus, Jack and Mac would sit together in the evening licking their wounds and try to comprehend what had happened.

Jack would talk to Mac, because he sensed that it still calmed his kid. He would talk about the ranch, his childhood, the little and the bigger mischiefs he and his siblings were guilty of, but he would also talk about those three years. It felt like these years were lost years. Not only felt, they were in fact lost. He had given three years of his life and it didn’t feel worth it. Three years and he had lost so much. He had lost Riley. He had seen it in the jet when she wasn’t sure whether helping Mac was a safe thing to do. There were doubts that had never been there before. She had told him that she still trusted him, but he doubted that it was the truth. They had to rebuilt. They talked over the phone and there was a distance between them that hadn’t been there before and Jack couldn’t bridge it. At least not as long as Riley was enclosed by the walls of shame. She felt awfully ashamed. She should’ve defended Mac against Russ’s accusations. She should’ve ignored Matty’s order and let Mac get into contact with Jack rather sooner than later. She was convinced if she had helped Mac and Jack to see each other again, she could’ve prevented Mac’s solo mission. So, yes, what had happened had been her fault, too. She had told Jack how bad she felt for how she had reacted or not reacted. Jack told her that she indeed should’ve trusted Mac. He also pointed out that he was the wrong person to talk about it. Riley knew that. However, an apology would not be enough to make undone what she had done or what she had failed to do. It felt like ice water pouring down on her when she realised that she had never questioned Mac when he did what he did to protect her, but questioned him when he had needed her to protect him. It was ironic. It was Janus-faced. It was simply unfair. And yes, she had to admit to herself that she wasn’t better than those people who had used Artemis37 and then raised their hands in innocence when she was shoved into prison. She had been doing the same with Mac only to save her ass and she had a hard time to get over it. It was complicated. Everything had become complicated.

But Riley wasn’t the only kid to whom Jack had lost his connection to. He had lost his connection to Mac, too. But what he also saw was that not only he struggled to live with it, but his kid did, too. He saw Mac fighting to get back to what they once had. It felt reassuring. There was an agreement between them. Unspoken and unnegotiated. But it was there. However, the price Jack had paid for those three years had been too high and the gain meagre. No, it hadn’t been worth it. The nightmares, the pain in his leg, the fact that he had lost the strength in his leg, but worst of all was having to look in those blue eyes. His kid seemed too lost, too hurt and Jack couldn’t help him. That was the worst feeling. Helplessness.

The daily routine and having Jack so close by his side did something with Mac. He felt how he slowly slipped more and more into ease. He felt some of the tension that blocked his mind leaving him. And he started to feel safe again. He hadn’t noticed that he hadn’t felt safe for a long time. He hadn’t felt safe for all those three years. And when Mac managed to let the one or other word slip, Jack would shut up and listen carefully. That was what he did when Mac out of the blue started to talk. They sat on the porch, enjoying the last sun beams of the year while both nursed a mug of hot tea which Mac had clutched tightly in his still trembling hands. Mac couldn’t tell where these words came from, but they were formed and wanted to be released. For the first time in those three years Mac didn’t think about whether it was right or wrong to say these words aloud. He skipped the inner debate he had become used to have before he told anyone about what was on his mind. He didn’t even think about his choice of words. He just started talking and Jack kept his mouth shut and his focus on his kid.

“I…just can’t stop feeling like I’m all on my own now. After watching my father giving his life away for me, I’ve never felt as alone before. There is no one left of my family: my Mom’s dead. My grandpa died while I was deployed and now my father is gone, too and my aunt, whom I thought about as a crazy bitch, was killed. Even during the time when my Dad wasn’t around, I didn’t feel that alone. In some way I just felt that there was still someone out there. There was still some family left and the hope that maybe at some point I could just have that little family that was left,” Mac said and Jack listened not letting on how his heart once more shattered to pieces. Every word felt like a little dagger that jammed into it. He wanted to run to get away from the pain of the words, but he didn’t. He stayed and listened when Mac went on: “It got a little better when I realised that my aunt wasn’t such a crazy bitch. She did make a mistake and she was ready to answer for it. She was the one coming up with a plan to stop Codex, to destroy them. It felt like I was part of something again. As if I belonged. I lost that when Russ started to imply that I was compromised and then started questioning my loyalty. The Phoenix family was about to cast me out and I couldn’t do anything about it. And I just made it worse when I started to understand Codex and the theories. I probably shouldn’t have done that. I probably shouldn’t have let my aunt get so close to me. It’s probably all my fault,” Mac said and ran a shaking hand through his hair. The emotions raged inside of him and it felt like he was about to break apart. He took a deep breath to calm himself. 

The hurt was so overwhelming and Jack turned towards him and said: “It’s not your fault, Mac. You did what you thought was right. That is …was your job. Had always been. It’s not your fault that after so many years your team wasn’t able to trust you.” Jack wanted to ease the pain. He didn’t want his kid to blame himself for what had happened. If everybody had been a little more honest and if they had known Russ’ part in the game, it probably wouldn’t have turned out like that. Everybody would’ve made it out of it a little more unscathed, so Jack thought. And he knew he should’ve been there. He had tried his best to turn things around, but it’s been too late. Although he knew that it wasn’t his fault either, he couldn’t shake off the feeling that he contributed to the massive failure, though. It was his job to protect his kid. Had always been and he failed.

“Doesn’t feel like that. I …should’ve tried harder. I should’ve tried harder to make them trust me and I should’ve tried harder to save my Dad. He really tried. He wanted to rebuilt what got broken over so many years, but I told him 'no' – somehow. I wasn’t ready and I wanted to hold that grudge. I wanted him to understand how it felt to reach out, but to be turned down while trying. And then it was too late. I…the remote detonator, it was damaged and I tried to,…to repair it, but it didn’t work. And then he told me to leave and I did just that. I left him behind. Abandoned him,” Mac said and Jack had a hard time hiding the relief that washed over him. For once James MacGyver had done something to protect his son. Jack didn’t tell Mac how glad he was that Mac left his father to his fate, because the broken voice Mac spoke with was enough evidence that his kid didn’t think he had made the right decision.

Jack noticed that Mac wasn’t finished and gave him space to go on talking. It was obvious that he needed it. They had been working on that part for a while now. And Mac kept on talking: “With my aunt’s the same. I can’t shake off the feeling that I simply didn’t try hard enough. She reached out to me, because she knew that I could help her, but all I managed was to get her killed. I got the last family member killed. Great job, Angus MacGyver,” and he started to sound bitter and he felt the self-hatred arise again. He clenched his fist in the need to punch something hard and solid. He refrained from it since he didn’t want to lose it in front of Jack. Not again. There had been too many ‘agains’ and he just had to stop it. Jack saw how angry Mac got and he took Mac'sclenched fist into his hand, wrapping his warm fingers around it.

“It’s not your fault, Mac,” he was repeating himself and he would go on like this until Mac saw the truth behind his words. They all had made mistakes. It had been a collective failure and Mac was suffering most from its consequences. They’ve all made errors in judgement: Matty, he, Riley, Desi and all the most Russ Taylor. Bozer with his big heart was probably the only one who had detected the scam. He lacked the means to act according to it, though.

“You know it’s not true,” Mac simply replied, because it wasn’t. It had been his job to safe them all and he failed. He was the one with the means, but he didn’t use them. He hadn’t learnt hard enough how to deploy his skills to the benefit of survival. And he felt the icy cold from back then crawling up his body. It was paralysing. He felt the fear of that time of not being able to control the situation and dying alone, forgotten and condemned because he was not good enough, because he had not trained his abilities sufficiently. He shook his head and shoved aside the memories of this skiing trip in the Swiss Alps.

“It’s not your fault, kid,” Jack said again this time. With his free hand he turned Mac’s face to face him. It didn’t sink in, though. Those blues eyes screamed at him: “I don’t believe you.” Because of this, Jack didn’t even start to tell Mac that he wasn’t alone either. He wouldn’t believe him. His Mom was right: Mac still didn’t feel that he was part of their family – that he was a beloved family member. And it would take a while for Mac to get his head and his heart around it. However, Jack couldn’t refrain from telling his kid: “Mac, you never told me where this idea stems from, but I have a pretty good idea of its source and I have to tell you, it’s time to leave it behind. You’re an adult now. It’s your life and you live it as you think it’s appropriate. So, no matter what your ol’ man used to tell you, forget about it. You’re free to choose your path.” And Jack saw that he was getting a little too close to the core of the issue. Mac grew defensive, but he didn’t snap. He listened and turned around. How was he supposed to explain to Jack that it was not as simple as that? How was he supposed to toss away his parental imprint? Thriving, achieving, saving. That was what he was raised to. Failure was unforgiveable. He had learnt it that hard way. Bozer more than once had pointed out that this vacation had changed him. Just like his time in the sandbox had, just like Murdoc’s kidnapping had. There were just a few things he didn’t talk about, because he didn’t want to relive the moment. These things were proof of his own failure and that he wasn’t enough.

Their routine went on like this and Jack was glad for each word that slipped Mac’s lips, even if it was just some of their typical banter and mocking. Jack’s brothers easily fell into it and soon there Dalton lot was laughing. Lucinda would only scoff at them and enter into their banter her own way: with snarky comments and by accusing them for being way too childish for their own good. That was his sister and her eyes told them, she didn’t mean her words in the sense they were said. It was her way to rile them up. Mac laughed, too, but the smile would never reach his eyes. They were clouded with hurt and the feeling of loneliness.

One day, his Mom came to him announcing that they had a visitor in the guest house. A woman, who wanted to talk to him and Angus. Jack nodded. Edith decided to tell Jack first and let him assess the situation, whether it was safe to let her talk to Angus. His fragility increased with each day and with every word he said more emotions lay bare on the surface. They had started to act more cautiously around him so they wouldn’t accidentally hit one of the many sore spots that were now slowly surfacing. Angus was becoming an emotional mine field. They all saw it and they all understood. It was a terrain that they left to Jack who knew the way through the mines. He would know when it was the right time to set a mine off and which ones should be left aside.

When his Mom told him about the visitor, he couldn’t tell who it could be. He simply didn’t know any person who wanted to talk to them since Codex entered the path of history. He went to the guest house. The perfume told him, who it was. Matty. He wasn’t too happy about her turning up at the ranch. The contrary. She hadn’t had the decency to get in touch once ever since Mac was back from wherever he had been hiding. She had dropped them.

“Matty,” he announced his presence and his voice revealed his dismay. She nodded and accepted it. She hadn’t been proven to be reliant the last few weeks. She knew that. There had been a lot going on at the Phoenix. Cleaning up the mess Russ and Mac had left had required more time and efforts that she had initially thought it would. And while Mac had left the Phoenix Russ was still there and her boss. Secretly she had investigated on him and his role in the Codex mess. Turned out that Mac’s aunt had been honest with her nephew. Codex had been Russ first big mission he was leading. He had been overly ambitious and it had blinded him. Then he fell in love with Mac’s mother and the chaos was perfected. But besides collecting details and getting an insight on what had happened, there had been nothing she could’ve done. Russ was still the boss and how to fire a boss? As long as the private sector and the government was willing to work with them, everything could get back to normal. Well, a new normal. But then Washington knocked on their door and requested detailed information on what happened with Codex. And that had been the point on which the trouble really started.

Jack looked at her closely. She looked tired and concerned and differently from what Jack would accuse her for, she still cared about Jack and Mac. She simply did not have the time to check in on them. Maybe, she also felt ashamed, too, because she made an error in judgement and failed. She hadn’t been able to keep the events from happening. All which was left for her to do was sweeping up the pieces and see what could be put back together and what was lost for good. The damage done was extensive.

“Jack,” she replied stepping towards Jack. He looked worn, tired and it was obvious that he hadn’t recovered from Kovacs. It made her feel bad. Bad, because against her better judgement she hadn’t stopped Jack from leaving. She had known that this had been a fatal decision and she saw its consequences in front of her. She had known that Jack wouldn’t come back unscathed and she had known that the family would fall apart in consequence of Jack leaving them. But she had closed her eyes and hoped for the best. Her hopes had been crushed by reality.

“What do you want?” Jack said going straight to business. He felt betrayed by this woman. And Matty knew he had all right to. For this, she saved him lengthy apologies and empty phrases and went to business: it was considered to reinstall the Phoenix as a governmental agency again. The decision was subject to several conditions. One was that Russ would give up his position and leave the Phoenix. Matty’s findings on Russ’ case conveyed the strong indication that Russ had bought the Phoenix only to pursue his personal vendetta against Codex. This didn’t comply with the former spirit of the Phoenix Foundation as an agency that helped everyone who had no other means left. The most serious factor was Washingtong distruts, though. Russ had proven impressivly how manipulative he could be. The fact that not even Matty had been able to look through his scam was reason enough to not trust this man with a leading position in a governmental agency. Washington didn’t want to wake up one day and realise that the Phoenix had been used for yet another personal business from Russel Taylor. Hence, he had to go. However, Matty’s findings had also risen an interest in Angus MacGyver. Matty couldn’t tell why, though. Washington didn’t let anything slip about Mac’s case. All she knew was that there would be a hearing in Washington D.C. They wanted to hear Mac, wanted to hear his opinion and his story on what happened with Codex. No reinstalment without MacGyver’s testimony. That was the other condition.

“After everything that happened, you turn up here and ask Mac a favour? Hasn’t he given enough?” Jack was furious. He had expected Matty to throw herself into the dust in front of them. He didn’t expect her to ask them – Mac – a favour.

“I know that I ask a lot and Mac doesn’t have to come to the hearing. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t. He has all right to hold a grudge,” she said. She wouldn’t push Mac, but she wanted him to know anyway. Jack shook his head. She accepted it, because something inside of herself doubted her reasons for this visit. Because yes, she wanted Mac to help her reinstall the Phoenix. She had lost it once and she had never overcome it. When the Phoenix had been dismantled, she had lost her purpose and she dreaded that feeling. She also knew how wrong it was to ask Mac for help on this one after he had been dishonourable discharged for shattering one of the most dangerous terrorist groups on his own and against all odds – odds they as his supposedly family had caused. And Jack’s demeanour screamed at her how wrong this was and she didn’t flinch when he said harshly: “I think, it’s better if you leave now.” He didn’t want Matty to talk to Mac. He wouldn’t let the Phoenix get to his kid again. He would protect him from them.

“Jack, please. Let me talk to Mac,” she pleaded, though, while knowing well that Jack was in his protection mode. She didn’t take it amiss. He had enough reasons to. But she also wanted to hear Mac’s opinion, because another well-known fact to her was that Mac had a tendency to be lesser resentful. His will to give his father a second and even a third chance was an impressive example for that. Stupid, was the word Jack would use to describe it.

“Do you know what you did to him? He saved all your fucking asses and what did he get back? Nothing. He gave everything he had. There’s nothing left to take, Matty,” Jack tried to beat some sense into her head and Matty nodded. She understood, but didn’t give up and listened carefully what Jack had to say.

“I mean he’s not sleeping anymore. Four hours in a row is what we call a success. He needs to take these ugly protein shakes so he won’t lose any more weight, because he simply cannot eat enough. He needs surgery to repair the damage done by Desi in his shoulder, but the doctor cannot perform it, because Mac’s condition is fucked up like hell. He’s in constant pain and all because nobody of you was able to trust him, to build the trust so he felt safe to open up and talk to someone about his plan, about his aunt. You fucked up and Mac’s the one bearing the consequences and you have the nerve to show up here and ask him for a favour?” And Matty deserved all this and probably even more. She reached out for Jack and put her hand onto his arm. She looked into his eyes. They looked tired. Jack looked tired and she worried about him. Of course, he would never leave his kid alone, but to what expenses?

“I know Jack, and I want to help. I want to help both of you,” she said meaning it.

“Yeah, no thank you. We have it from here,” Jack snapped not wanting anything from Matty or the Phoenix. He was done with it. And Matty believed him, but she also saw what it all had done to Jack. Mac wasn’t the only one suffering the consequences of being an agent for a secretive governmental agency. Jack did, too. But Jack would deny it for his kid’s sake. His kid needed him, needed him to be strong, because Mac was in no state to fight for himself.

“I know Jack, but please think about yourself, too. You need to recover, too. There are facilities that are specialised to deal with such traumas like Mac’s. I can make necessary arrangements,” she said concerned about Jack’s wellbeing, but stirring up a hornet’s nest.

“What? Do you really think that I would ship Mac off to some lunatic farm? Are you fucking kidding me? He’s not crazy, he’s hurt, Matty. He’s hurting, a lot.” And with that the conversation ended. Since it was late, Jack grudgingly accepted Matty to stay the night. But she couldn’t sleep. In the wee hours of the morning she got up and stepped out onto the veranda of the guest house. The air was chilly, announcing the approaching winter. The horizon was painted in dark colours, still. The orange of the nearing crack of dawn being a stark contrast to the deep purple of the vanishing night. The view of the veranda went to the main house. In the corner of her eye she saw something moving and directed her gaze towards the porch of the main house. She could see a form sitting on the bench on the porch of the main house. He had his legs drawn to his chest and his arms slung around the shins. His posture looked exhausted, burnt out, defeated and she understood Jack even better now. They had done a number on Mac. The damage done was extensive. The more she was convinced that Mac might benefit from professional help, but after everything that happened, she also understood Jack’s reluctance to let Mac out of his sight. So, she kept watching. She watched another frame stepping out onto the porch carrying a quilt which he then wrapped around his and the other man’s shoulders to protect them against the morning chills. She saw the thin one leaning against the other man’s shoulder. Trust. She understood why Jack wouldn’t leave Mac too soon.

Before she left, Mac came by. Jack had talked to him. Matty had a hard time to hide how shocked she was by his appearance. There was nothing left of her favourite blondie. He was sick. He was struggling and it was so obvious, but other than Jack, he didn’t hold a grudge and told her, he would think about the hearing. She told him to take his time and to decide what he thought was best for him. That was all she asked for – that was all she could ask him for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: Mac finally get's his shoulder repaired or at least as much as possible. It would've been so much easier if they were still at the Phoenix.


	31. The universal Cynic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac gets his shoulder repaired. Not as easy as thought. Jack wished they were still with the Phoenix.

The doctor took mercy and decided that while Mac’s condition was still not peachy, he couldn’t put off surgery for much longer. The pain was increasing and there were signs of an inflammation. So, it was decided that the surgery would have to be carried out. Mac was not very happy about it. He knew it was supposed to help him and to alleviate the pain. But he was scared. They would force him to sleep for the procedure and rationally he knew that it was necessary. Everything else would be inhuman. It didn’t help him to get rid of the fear of losing control, though. Not being in control had always scared him. It had become worse. Codex and Russ had taught him that giving up control, that losing it was a dangerous thing. He couldn’t risk it again.

Jack registered Mac’s fear and accompanied him. He drove Mac in the early morning to the hospital. The air was brisk. The atmosphere in the car fraught. Mac nervously clenched and unclenched his jaw. He had his eyes fixed on the fields, cars and everything else they passed by on their way to the hospital. He had his eyes everywhere, but wouldn’t let his gaze wander to Jack. Mac knew that Jack had noticed his uneasiness and he was embarrassed for acting as childish as he did. He tried hard to put it off, but he couldn’t. For Jack it wasn’t childish but perfectly understandable. Heck, he has had his fair share of surgeries. It never was easy. One felt like a lamb that voluntarily went to the slaughter. Jack watched Mac’s nervous hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt and he took a heart. He told Mac that he would wait for him. He tried to reassure Mac by telling him that everything would be fine and that there was no reason to be scared, because Jack was there and would make sure nobody hurt Mac or at least not hurt Mac beyond what was necessary to repair his shoulder. Mac appreciated Jack coming with him. He also tried to let Jack’s words calm him down, but it didn’t work.

He filled in the paper work with trembling hands. By the time they prepared him for the procedure, his nerves were fried. When Jack had to leave the room, Mac’s fear skyrocket and he had a hard time to get a grip. He tried to focus on something else – on something nice - but there was nothing nice left in his mind. It was packed with memories which either hurt or conveyed guilt. Usually both. To say he was scared shitless, was an understatement. He tried to shut his mind off by staring at the greyish white ceiling above him. Size, carrying capability. Every formula he could produce popped up in his mind, but it wasn’t enough.

The nurse noticed that he was edging towards a panic attack. They gave him something to calm him down, but it didn’t help. His pulse fired away. In the operating theatre they noticed that Mac couldn’t calm down, not talking about falling asleep for the procedure. The anaesthesiologist was helpless. The surgeon was about to lose his patience. The surgical nurse took pity and stepped out to find Jack. Maybe he could tell her what went on. And he did the second she explained him what was the matter.

“Survival training’s kicking in,” Jack mumbled. For the first time he wished they were at the Phoenix medical where they knew how to cope with agents who were trained to withstand the effects of drugs and due to too many traumas that they had endured lacked the ability to function like the average person. The nurse stared at him and he tried to come up with a cover story which did serve as an explanation. For this, he stuck to the simple explanation: Mac had served in the Army. EOD-tech for special forces. He hoped that she didn’t know that basic training did not include courses on how to not give in to the effects of drugs and torture. She bought it. Jack was relieved, but that didn’t solve the problem. If Mac didn’t soon give in, the surgeon would cancel the surgery, she told him.

“Can I talk to him?” Jack asked her. She had to think a little about it. Jack couldn’t go to Mac, but maybe over phone could work out. It was worth a try and Jack gave her his mobile number. The nurse returned to the surgery theatre and a surgeon who grew impatient with every passing second. Mac felt sorry for keeping everyone from his business, but he didn’t have his nerves under control. If he gave in, what then? Who knew whether this was his death sentence as well? Who knew what they would do to him?

“There’s someone who wants to talk to you,” then out of the blue the nurse said to him before she held a phone to his ear. He didn’t understand what went on until he heard the warm familiar baritone echo through his inner ear.

“Hey hoss, they told me that you’re giving them some trouble in there. Believe me, I know that feeling you have. You’re scared, but don’t be. I’m waiting just outside the operating theatre. I’ll make sure you’re safe. They told me the procedure should take no longer than three hours and believe me, when the three hours are over and I haven’t seen you since then, I’ll come barging in and take you home. Understood? I’m there. I’ll protect you, as always. You trust me, right?” Jack said and his words, his voice flowed into Mac’s veins like some warm soothing liquid. He did trust Jack. Always had and always would. He believed him when he said that he would barge into the operating theatre to get him out. He’s been the one rescuing him out of Phoenix medical, rescuing him from Russ and his sick games.

“By the way, did you know that Mom plans to go for a ride next Saturday? I tried to talk her out of it, but she’s stubborn like a mule. Let’s just hope she won’t opt for Aramis. He’s too wild. Maybe I can persuade her to take Princessa. She’s a quiet mare. You know, the brown one that always greets you neighing when you enter the stable,” Jack went on talking while Mac’s body grew heavy with more and more of the warm liquid flowing through his veins and he felt how he slowly relaxed. The fear and tension poured out of him. There was no room left in his veins for that with all this warmth inside of him. He saw how an oxygen mask was placed over his nose and mouth. He didn’t fight it. He blinked and Jack’s words faded into a far distance.

Jack was relieved when he suddenly heard the nurse’s voice telling him that the succeeded and Mac finally fell asleep. The surgeon was still there, but not amused about the fuss.

Three and a half hours later, Jack watched Mac sleep off the effects of the anaesthesia in the recovery room. The surgery had taken longer than expected. Besides Mac’s little stunt, the damage done proved to be more extensive than expected. They removed shrapnel and infected tissue, tried to reattach one of the tendons and cleaned out the wound. The chances for Mac to regain full function of his arm were not existent. Maybe with lots of PT he could lift his arm to a forty-five-degree angle, but that was about it. His shoulder was now immobilized by a sling that secured his arm to the midriff. Mac wasn’t supposed to move his shoulder at all within the next couple of weeks. Jack sighed. He felt so awfully sorry. Mac didn’t deserve this. He was too young to lose the function of a limb. He grew angry again. Desi should’ve aimed for the calf, not the shoulder. The bullet had been too big, the angle bad. She should’ve known that, but Jack was not yet ready to accept that maybe Desi didn’t care about the damage she caused.

He was dragged out of his thoughts by Mac who restlessly started to shift in the bed. Jack watched him. Then Mac’s eyes opened, but before Jack could say something, Mac started thrashing against the restrains his right arm was in. The feeling of being restrained was all too familiar and panic soared inside of Mac when he realised that he couldn’t move his right arm. It felt just like waking up in Phoenix medical after Desi shot him. He didn’t realise where he was and had totally forgotten that he was recovering from a shoulder surgery. He was having a full-blown panic attack and Jack realised it immediately knowing very well where it came from. He jumped off his chair, stepped over to the bed and took Mac’s left arm. He lifted it up and down to show Mac that he wasn’t restrained. He wasn’t back in Phoenix medical.

“Hey kiddo, calm down. You’re not tied to this bed. See, your arm is free. Try to move your legs. They’re free as well,” Jack said while holding Mac’s right arm to keep him from moving it. Mac saw Jack and realised that he was right and then it all came back to him and he remembered why he was in a hospital. He looked at his right arm, though, and saw that it was held in a sling and was secured to his midriff. Immobilised. He sighed a breath of relief but was distressed by the feeling of embarrassment again. He hated himself for not being able to control himself and his emotions. He had always had the ability to keep his emotions in check. It had been a life saver in so many situations and he had been proud of it. He had been proud of being able to shove away the emotions, because if something killed you it was them. Now he had lost that ability and it terrified him. He had never felt as vulnerable before and he didn’t like that feeling.

“You okay? Back with me?” Jack asked and Mac nodded, the panic slowly fading while the embarrassment became more and more dominant. He felt Jack’s hand on his chest. It was warm and calming. He felt his pulse slowing down. Mac took a deep and slow breath. And then another one and another one.

“That’s it, kid. Just calm down. Deep breaths in and out,” Jack went on and Mac listened. He was safe. Jack had kept his promise. He could still trust Jack who now sat down next to him onto the bed and brushed the bangs out of Mac’s forehead. Mac’s hair was longer again. He didn’t care about it. Getting his hair cut was the last thing he worried about. He was glad when he managed one day after another without major crisis. Jack didn’t mind either and Lucinda kept pointing out that Mac could tie up his hair surfer style. That would look good. Mac still blushed on instant at such words directed to him. Jack was glad for his sister’s words. Not only did the signal that she did like Mac, but that she did care about him, too. And the more people were out there who cared about his kid the better, Jack thought. His kid needed to feel that he mattered. His kid had to feel that he was of value like everyone else, like everyone he had saved during his job risking his own life in the course of his actions. Jack thought that maybe this was the key. He thought that maybe his kid could overcome whatever trauma and issues that were hunting him if he simply accepted that his life was worth saving as well. Jack also knew that this was going to be a long and bumpy way. They probably wouldn’t even reach that goal, but if they got only a little close one by one, it would do. Jack was convinced of that. And Jack sat there with his hand on Mac’s chest mumbling soothing words until the panic attack vanished.

“Doc said, if you behave yourself, I can take you home this evening,” he then told Mac. For this, Mac swallowed down the nausea that built up in his stomach. He felt awful, but from past experience he knew that the side effects of the anaesthesia could definitely extent his hospital stay. He couldn’t stop from shivering, though. He felt so awfully cold and tired. Jack picked up on it and once more wished they were at Phoenix medical. They knew about Mac’s post-op antics. The nurses there would’ve made sure that Mac was all wrapped up in warm blankets. He took off his jacket and placed it over Mac’s trembling body hoping that it could provide some warmth to his kid.

“Go back to sleep, hoss. You’ll feel better afterwards,” Jack told his kid when he saw how Mac fought for keeping his eyes open. Upon Jack’s words, Mac closed his eyes and drifted off to sleep again while Jack carded his hand through his kid’s hair.

Later, Jack went over to the nurse station. Since Mac wasn’t going to be back in L.A. too soon, at least if it was for Jack, he wanted to ask them to send the bills to the ranch. Maybe this way, Jack could secretly pay the one or the other bill. Mac had no health insurance anymore and no regular income. Jack was sure that the medical bills were going to financially ruin his kid. He just didn’t want to add this to Mac’s pile of worries.

“Oh, sorry Mr. Dalton, but we were told to send the bills to this address. We did so with the bills of the other hospital stays, too. Was it wrong?” the nurse said to him. She was visible confused now and showed Jack the address. It was L.A. The addressee Mathilda Webber, Director of the Phoenix Company, still owned and led by Russel Taylor, not yet re-installed as a governmental agency. So, she had listened to him. This was the least they could do for Mac.

“No, sorry, my mistake. I didn’t know they wanted it to be sent directly to them,” he thus replied and went back to Mac.

The doctor kept his word and cut Mac lose in the evening. Mac wasn’t firing on all cylinders, but was eager to leave the hospital rather sooner than later. Thus, Jack guided his still doped-up kid to the truck and drove him back to the ranch. Mac slept through the drive and Jack let him. He had the radio of the car on and the silent tunes combined with the drugs in Mac’s system were enough to let him fall asleep immediately. Back at the ranch he settled Mac in his bed which Jack’s Mom had already prepared with sufficient pillows and blankets. There was already a tea waiting for Mac there, too. Mac, however, didn’t notice any of it. His head was too fuzzy because of the drugs that he couldn’t even recall how he got from the hospital into his bed at the ranch. He wasn’t even lucid enough to realise how Jack gently tucked him in and Edith placed a soft kiss on his forehead before the left him so he could sleep off the effects of the surgery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: Mac decides that he has to get his life back (or rather a life). Jack and his family is wary about it and then a storm comes up and the cattle has to be brought to a dry place.


	32. Stranger than Fiction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mac decides that it's time to go and let go

The surgery did help. The pain lessened, but the rest was an ordeal. Mac couldn’t remember when he had ever been so dependent on the help of others. He couldn’t use his right arm at all and that proved to be a challenge day in day out. It started with small things like meals. He couldn’t use his knife, so someone had to cut up his food. It was embarrassing. Jack had to help him get dressed and undressed. That felt even worse. He wasn’t of much help at the ranch anymore. He couldn’t even feed the dogs, because he needed two arms for that. When Mac grew unbearably frustrated, Duke took a heart and introduced Mac to the office work at the ranch. One handed, Mac wasn’t as fast as Duke typing into the computer, but he finally had a purpose and a task again. He learnt fast and Duke soon came to the conclusion that maybe Mac would be a good cover if he went on vacation the next summer. Mac handled the numbers and tables well and even had the one or other idea how to make accounting and bookkeeping a little more efficient, which Duke appreciated.

PT was a pain, though. He had to make his daily exercises and Jack was determined to make sure that his kid stuck to the training plan he was given. He even helped his kid. He had to, because without the ability to lift his arm, rotating the shoulder proved to be more than difficult. At first Jack winced at the sight of the surgical scars, but he got used to it. They both had their fair share of scars. Nothing to worry about. And Jack saw that Mac was trying. He tried hard. He did his exercises, he stuck to the sleeping routine he and Edith had developed, he drunk those nasty protein shakes and he tried more and more often to confide in Jack. He was fighting, but without much success. His inner demons were eating him up from the inside.

He was still working on compartmentalising everything that had happened. He finally made his peace with Russ. That was the easiest part to take apart and stuff away into boxes. Because at the end, Russ was neither friend nor family. He didn’t belong to Mac’s emotional world. Mac was now working on the fact that his aunt died. He had found a simple strategy to overcome this. He treasured the moments they had together and put away the rest. They had both known the risk. After Mac realised that Russ had rather acted like a maniac upon his obsession, Mac came to the conclusion that he probably couldn’t have kept him from killing his aunt. He had wanted to do so for twenty-five years. There had to have been the feeling of revenge as a very strong driver for his actions. The guilt, however, that he couldn’t get over. Although Mac was able to judge the events from an objective point of view, it didn’t make the feeling that his aunt died because of his failure go away. He also didn’t find a way to deal with his father’s death and with the revelations about his mother. It was difficult to catalogue their actions. It was their images that caused him to wake up drenched in sweat and panting heavily. It was the last hug and the last look into his father’s eyes that broke his heart over and over again into ever tinier pieces. It was the idea of his mother being falsely accused and awfully misunderstood that made him angry.

That they weren't there anymore was still difficult to bear. He missed them. He missed them awfully. He wanted them back. He knew that Jack and his family did their utmost to make him feel like he was part of their family, but he still felt so awfully lonely – abandoned. He wanted to have his own family back. He didn’t want to be a stray anymore. He wanted to have a place, where he could feel that he belonged. He wanted to be somewhere where nothing was wrong with him. He wanted to be understood and accepted. He wanted to be with someone who didn’t tell him that his actions were driven by issues he had to overcome. He simply wanted to have a home. That still wasn’t the ranch. He knew that the Daltons and Jack tried hard, but they didn’t understand. And how could they? Mac grew more and more convinced that there were just some things nobody else understood but your own family, your own blood.

It was Frank who, after realising Mac’s still ongoing inner fight, suggested that maybe Mac needed professional help to facilitate the process of getting better. He did make progress, but it wasn’t enough. Not enough sleep, not enough food, not enough anything. And Mac had been thinking about it, too, but wasn’t convinced. Because they simply didn’t and couldn’t understand.

“You have to give it some time, kiddo. I know you’re growing impatient with yourself, but it is a lot you have to deal with,” Jack said when he saw that Mac once again tried to push his limits by suggesting that maybe he should pick up his habit and go for a run. Mac needed to let off steam. He needed something to channel his frustration. It was a frustration which was fed with Mac’s impatience and his feeling of being misunderstood.

“It’s taking too damn long, Jack. I want things to get back to normal again. I want to be normal again,” Mac told Jack. He hated the feeling of being a nuisance. Something else Jack and his family had been fiercely but unsuccessfully working on. He was a valuable addition to their family. They tried to make him see it, but he didn’t. The grief he carried in his heart was blinding and deafening him for this. His parents were his parents – his family. They were supposed to love him, although his father did a poor job here. But they were his. He couldn’t demand this from the Daltons. He was just some stranger who tumbled into their lives and because of Jack’s way too good nature he was imposing himself.

“Mac, you are normal. You have changed, yes, but that happens. That’s life. We aren’t the ones we’ve been when we started this rodeo and we won’t be when it ends. That’s life, Mac,” Jack tried to explain to Mac, to soothe him. Mac grew tense again. Something had triggered his kid’s fight or flight syndrome. There was a slow-burn mechanism at work. And Mac seriously thought that he needed to leave. He needed to get independent again, stand on his own two feet. He’s been asking for too much for too long.

“No Jack, nothing about this here is normal. Look at me! I’m clinging to you like a little insecure child and that’s not right,” Mac huffed growing agitated by his incapability to find his way back to his normal self. Jack scoffed: “I would be glad if you for once would cling to be like that. Would make it easier to have an eye on you.” And Jack went on: “You know, you are independent. You’re working on the ranch like anyone else does. No preferential treatment here. You’re sticking to your PT plan. You work hard on yourself to overcome your issues and you do have success. Look at you, you sleep more, not enough yet, but a regular four hours is more than nothing. You gained back some of your weight, it’s still not enough, I know, but it’s more. You’re improving Mac. You’re getting there. Don’t let your impatience get in the way and ruin this progress,” what Jack didn’t say was: ‘please don’t leave again’, because he felt it was too early for Mac to hear these words.

Mac listened and breathed in the autumn air. He could smell the winter’s chill already. Soon it would be freezing cold, but not before the autumn made a big scene. There were heavy dark clouds approaching on the horizon and promised heavy rain and storm. It was about time to bring the cattle in. The hey was already mowed, dried and stored. The cattle though were still grazing. They were kept outside for as long as possible. Frank and Edith had started to stock up on food and supplies for the case that heavy rainfall caused the river, which the creek fed into, to overflow the banks and flood the streets. They would be cut off the world for a while then.

“I listen to what you are saying,” Mac replied to Jack. He did. To him it was obvious that Jack wasn’t ready to let him go now, but Mac wasn’t comfortable anymore. He had to leave and he told Jack just that: “I have to move on. I have to start over, somehow. No idea, how and what, but I think, I need to get my life – a life – back.” And Jack nodded. His kid was about to leave. He couldn’t hold him much longer. It hurt. It hurt, because letting his kid go felt like parting all over again. Jack hadn’t had a chance to get over their last separation, the one three years ago. He could impossibly handle another one.

“And do you have an idea what to do?” Frank asked for his plans when in the evening they sat together in the den and Mac had thanked Edith and Frank for all they’ve done for him, but that it was time for him to move on. Frank wasn’t surprised. The young man was awfully independent. It had been hard work to get him to stay with them that long, but it was time to let go. Edith, however, saw the pain in her son’s eyes. For Jack, it felt like abandoning his kid all over again.

“What about returning to teaching?” Edith suggested understanding Angus’ need for a new perspective in his life – an own perspective. Sometimes, one needed to move on and leave the comfort zone to thrive again. She was confident that this was what Angus was about to do now. He wasn’t running anymore. He knew that he wasn’t well and somehow accepted it, but he also had started to fight again and if this meant he had to get back onto his own feet, they had to let him go. They couldn’t be selfish and wrap him up in the comfort of the ranch if what he needed was the world outside of it. He needed to choose his own fights again.

“Not, if I can help it,” Mac replied. Eighteen months of teaching had nearly killed his idealistic enthusiasm. Looking into those bored and dull faces, carried on heads that were chock-full with input provided by the internet and television and didn’t understand why the laws of nature determined their everyday life. He also was realistic enough to know that maybe he didn’t have much of a choice. But maybe he could get a chance in a lab. He would have to work his way up, but that shouldn’t be a problem. He’s always had taken the harder way and it always worked out.

“I guess, you want to return to L.A.?” Jack asked hesitantly. There were a lot of companies in Texas as well, but looking into his kid’s eyes after he had asked his question made him realise that his kid was spreading his wings again. Lone wolf. That was Mac. That, he had always been. He appreciated the time with a pack – with his pack – but was happy if he could go stroll around on his own again. Always ready to come back, always there to help. Never ask, though. Never being helped. Solving life’s puzzles on his own. No matter what.

Mac didn’t answer, there was no need to. A heavy silence settled over them. It was the silence of a yet unspoken goodbye. They would part again. It was difficult for Jack to digest and Mac understood why, but he had to do this. He felt the urge to be on his own again. It was difficult to adapt to the environment of a loving caring home if you were thirty years old and never got nowhere near something comparable. And while thinking this he didn’t disparage his grandfather’s efforts. He tried to pass his values upon Mac and he succeeded. At least Mac hoped so. He was independent. He could survive with only a few things at hand. He knew how to read and live with the nature. He appreciated the nature and the comfort modern civilisation offered. But he couldn’t forget where he came from. He couldn’t cut the ties that bound and dig out his roots. After all he was a MacGyver and that meant that he would always fight on his own, just like his father and just like his father he would try to keep his beloved ones away from harm. But other than his father Mac was convinced that achieving this didn’t mean to abandon them. Staying close by and letting them know that he was there, that should work out just fine.

And Jack sat in the kitchen observing the weather closely. It had started to rain. It was not yet pouring down like waterfalls, but that could change any second and then, they had to react fast. Nobody would get much sleep this night, because everybody would be paying attention to the weather. They had to make sure to bring the cattle in before the river overflowed the banks, apart from that, the cattle didn’t mind a good down pour. While watching the rain drops clattering against the window of the kitchen, Jack mused about Mac’s plans to leave. His heart understood, but it was reluctant to accept it. He knew it wasn’t the same goodbye like three years ago. Hell, the kid could come by whenever he wanted to. Hell, Jack could fly to L.A to see his kid whenever he wanted to. It wasn’t the same heavy and dark goodbye when he left for hunting Kovacs. It still weighed heavy on his heart, though.

“You know, Jack, kids are supposed to leave the nest eventually. It’s never easy to let them go, but they have to,” Edith said stepping into the kitchen and sat down next to her son. His eyes were sad. He looked like he was about to lose his kid all over again. He didn’t see the changes, didn’t realise that this wasn’t a goodbye for eternity. As mother, however, she knew the feeling Jack went through, all too well. For this she took his hands into hers and talked to him, to take his fear away: “I told you once, our children are independent human beings that have to make their own decisions. And that’s a good thing. If you get your kids that far then you’ve done a good job. They’ll leave, start their own lives, even have their own families, but they’ll always come back to you. They might leave behind their home, but not you. And I know it hurts to watch them walk out the door, but that’s life,” she said to him.

“And what if he never comes back again?” Jack asked.

“He will. He came to you when he was the most helpless and vulnerable, because he knew that here he was safe – with you he is safe. This won’t change,” his Mom said and he believed her, wanted to believe her, because that was the only thing that kept him from marching into Mac’s room and tying him up so he would never be able to leave. Probably an impossible task, Jack thought, because Mac was like Houdini.

He was dragged out of his thoughts by Rodriguez, one of the workers. He told him that the cattle became nervous. The rain was getting stronger. Jack nodded and called Frank.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: There's indeed a storm coming up and demons will be unleashed


	33. Devil in the Midnight Maxx

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One last drama. Of demons and fevers.

The rain was pouring down on them like waterfalls now. They needed all hands to bring the cattle in. Jack and Mac were on their way to the creek to round up the cattle from behind. Frank drove along the terrain of the ranch to make sure that the river not yet had overflown the banks. The wind was strong. Their cloths were already soaked through. They had to scream to say something to one another.

“There!” Mac called out and pointed towards a group of five cows that stood huddled together at the edge of the creek. Jack nodded. Mac got off the horse. The ground was muddy and slippery. He nearly lost his balance. Jack got off too. The cattle looked panicked. They had to approach them carefully. It was too close to the edge of the banks for Jack’s liking and Mac understood. The rain had eroded the soil. One wrong move and the bank could break off and slide into the creek the cattle included. The creek had become a torrential river by now. There was no chance to rescue the cattle if it fell in.

“Can you try to get behind them and shoo them into my direction?” Jack called over to Mac. They had to get the cattle onto more solid ground. Mac was already closer to the bank and not as bolt as Jack. It would be easier for him to get behind the group unnoticed and without causing a panic while Jack distracted them with his solid thundering presence. Mac got it and nodded. Not much words needed. Just like it always had been. It was like one mind with two pair of hands and two sets of legs. It was just like old times.

Mac squeezed past a low rock face in some distance away from the cattle so that they would not turn their attention to him but stayed focused on Jack who started calmly talking to them. If possible, the rain started to grow even heavier. The roar from the creek thundered in his ears. He had to walk carefully. The ground was awfully slippery. He managed to get behind the group. He found steady grip on the ground and then made a heavy step forward to shoo the cattle into Jack’s direction. But then something underneath him gave away and he slid down the banks. This sudden commotion and his unintentional scream when he slid down into the creek shooed the cattle into Jack’s direction. The cattle were terrified enough that they nearly ran Jack over who in time managed to jump aside and landed on all his fours in that process. Mac hit the icy water roughly and with a splash. Through his involuntary yelp he breathed in a lung full of the cold water. His body shocked by the icy onslaught reacted to get rid of the intruder by coughing. In that process Mac only managed to breath in even more water while he tried to stay afloat. It was that very moment in which he realised that one needed a functioning shoulder for swimming, too. He was definitely fucked, he thought, while kicking his legs as strong as he could to keep the water from carrying him too far away from the banks.

“Damn it, Mac! Couldn’t you have been a little gentler? They were about to make mashed Jack!” Jack hollered against the sound of the raging wind and the tormenting river. He forgot about it the second he realised that Mac wasn’t there anymore. Muttering a ‘fuck’ he ran towards the creek. He saw some blond hair getting swallowed by the roaring creek when he knelt down and lay onto his stomach to keep the banks from breaking off any further. He reached into the water hoping to get a grasp onto his kid who then suddenly emerged from the depth to the surface, water splattering from his lips. Jack leaped forward, grabbed Mac by his shoulders and then dragged him up onto the banks where he landed like a dead fish.

“Hey, you okay, hoss?” Jack asked him when Mac got onto all his four and started to cough up all the water from the creek. Jack helped him to get rid of the water by rapping his back. Mac struggled for each breathe, his body hungry for oxygen. He collapsed onto the ground when finally the coughs subsided. He took a few shuddering breaths before he tried to get up again.

“Mac? You alright?” Jack asked him concerned.

“Yeah,” Mac answered still about to catch his breath, “I think, swimming is another activity to erase from the list of things I can still do with one arm,” Mac replied in their usual banter to show Jack that he was really okay.

“Let’s get you back to the house, you’re soaked through,” Jack decided not wanting his kid to catch a cold.

“In case you didn’t notice, I was even before I fell into the creek. Now, let’s get the cattle in,” Mac said and Jack admitted that he had a point. It was pouring down on them in a never-ending stream of unforgiving cold water. At least the cattle were rescued and they got up onto the horses and rode towards the rest of the group.

The demons were unleashed three days later and Mac had lost all control over them. They forced their way out of their prison and were out for the hunt. Turned out that falling into the creek wasn’t such a good idea. Jack found Mac sitting on the floor of the bathroom. His head lent against the tiled walls. His face was flushed with fever but what got Jack concerned was the crackling sound from his kid’s chest. He helped his kid back to bed and then called Dr. Walter, once again. It was difficult to reach the ranch by now. It had been raining for days. The streets had either eroded or were flooded, but Dr. Walter managed anyway and what he had to say was not good at all. With the sounds coming from Mac’s chest and the fever he was likely having a pneumonia as a result of his dip into the creek. Mac wasn’t really with them. His fever was climbing. The doc told them that Mac probably belonged to a hospital. This, however, was impossible. The streets were flooded. There was no way to get to town. Calling for a flying ambulance was no option, either. The storm was too heavy. Nobody would fly in this weather. The doc gave them some antibiotics and told them to lower the fever as best as they could. As soon as the weather allowed, they should take the kid to a hospital. The Daltons were worried and Mac was hunted by his demons.

Jack sat with his kid. He watched him tossing and turning, thrashing even while shivers ran through Mac’s body leaving his teeth chattering with cold. Mac felt so awfully cold and tried to find a source of warmth, but there was none. They had taken it away from him. He was alone, caught in some cold prison and without prospect of rescue. His body hurt all over. His chest felt like it was about to tear apart. There was pressure building and he tried to get rid of it. He coughed, but the pain that ripped through him made him avoid any cough. If he had been lucid enough, he would’ve known that he needed to cough to get the fluids out of his lungs. He wasn’t lucid enough. And Jack watched his kid, watched the fever rising. He listened to his kid groan when he coughed. He tried to ease his kid’s agony, but his kid fought him tooth and nail. Every time he approached him, tried to hold him, tried to get him into a more comfortable position to breath more easily, tried to help him with the coughs, Mac would lash out and punch and kick. Jack didn’t know that Mac was caught in a nightmare in which Russ tried to force him to watch his mother die by tying him to a chair.

“Mac, c’mon, you have to calm down,” Jack tried to sooth his kid, but it didn’t work. Mac didn’t recognise his voice. His mind and senses were clouded by the fever. And then Mac found himself abandoned in a dark damp and cold cell. He tried to move, but he couldn’t. He was cuffed to the wall. On the opposite side of the wall he saw his father, bleeding and pleading for him to help him, to not let him die. And Mac tried. Tried to struggle against the cuffs that bit into his wrists. But there was nothing he could do. And he screamed for Jack to help him, to help his Dad. He screamed for Jack to not let it happen. He screamed for Jack to not let him watch his father die.

Jack heard his kid scream his name in agony and he stormed into the bed room to find his kid fighting whatever imaginary restraints he was caught in. The fever was still climbing and he called his brother Donald. Together they managed to get Mac into the bathroom and in a tub filled with cold water. Mac was fighting them hard using all strength he had to escape from their grip while screaming for Jack.

“I’m here kid. You’re safe, I’m here,” Jack said, sat down on the rim of the tub and splashed the water over Mac’s head, his neck and face while his mother changed the sheets that were soaked through with sweat. The cooling helped a little. Mac stopped fighting and fell into a restless sleep. Mac, however, was still not lucid enough. They had to work hard to get the kid to take the antibiotics. Jack carefully slipped behind his kid so Mac rested against his chest when Jack’s brother Donald forced the pill into Mac’s mouth. Jack then carefully took his kid’s head, stretched his neck and ran his thumb over his throat to activate the swallowing reflex. It did work, but it was a tough fight. Mac fought him thinking he was one of those terrorists. Jack stayed with his kid. He settled into a more comfortable position but let the kid rest against his chest to make breathing easier for him. He rubbed his chest and back when he fell into a violent coughing fit which made tears run from the corner of Mac’s eyes. He held onto him, held him tight. The night was rough. Mac had to face his aunt who pointed her index finger at him: “You! It’s all your fault!” she screamed at him like a hysteric Harpy.

“I’m sorry, I …I tried, I did…I tried,” Mac mumbled in his feverish state. He begged. He begged for forgiveness which he didn’t deserve, because he didn’t try hard enough. And Jack felt how Mac’s pulse raised under his skin. His fever was climbing again and his mother suggested calf wrapping to cool him down. Jack, however, wouldn’t let his mother near Mac. He was unpredictable, his reactions sheer violent. So, Lucinda wrapped his calves while Donald prevented Mac from kicking out at her, because he interpreted her gentle ministrations as attacks.

Mac felt like he was drowning. His chest felt heavy and full. It was difficult to breathe and then there was this tickling and he fell into another coughing fit. His lungs burnt and screamed for oxygen. Mac tried to breath in as much as he could, but it was difficult. It hurt and there was something deep down working against his efforts. And then he saw his mother in front of him. She told him that there was no oxygen left for mankind. There was pure toxic left only to breath in. Nitrogen. “You let the planet die and this is what you gained from it,” his mother said and then turned around to leave. Jack felt how Mac’s breath got more and more agitated. But they were too shallow to provide his kid with the much-needed oxygen. It was still raining heavily outside. He looked over at Frank who shook his head. The streets weren’t free yet. They were still buried under mud.

“What about a flying ambulance?” Jack asked seeing how his kid fought: fought against the fever and the pneumonia, but also against his inner demons.

“Still too risky to fly in this weather,” Frank said and Jack nodded and pecked the top his kid’s head, who watched his mother turn away from him while he lay on the floor struggling to breath. She didn’t care and walked away.

“Mom! Please…help!…help me! I…I can’t breathe,” Mac screamed after her and Jack sat up a little more upright to help his kid breathe. There wasn’t much they could do as long as Mac didn’t cough up what was clogging his lungs. Jack brushed damp bangs out of Mac’s forehead. Tears rolled down Mac’s cheeks when he cried out for his mother. Jack’s heart squeezed and he held even tighter onto his kid to let him feel that he wasn’t alone.

“Easy kid, just try to relax. It’ll make breathing much easier,” Jack said to his kid. His screams for help tore at his heart since there was nothing he could do to help. His kid didn’t even recognise that he was there. And it hurt to listen to his kid whimper and begging for his Mom to come and help him: “Mom, don’t leave…please…help me!” Jack took his kid into an even tighter embrace hoping that maybe he could provide him with some of his energy and hoping that maybe feeling the steady rise and fall of his chest could help Mac to find a breathing rhythm. In the evening, Jack and Donald carried Mac back into the tub while their Mom changed the damp sheets again. This time Mac didn’t fight them but hung lax between them. Exhausted. Jack again splashed water over Mac’s head, his face and neck. When Donald and Jack carried him back to bed. His temperature was down a little and Mac fell into a restless slumber. He stood in his grandfather’s den. His father looked at him. No, he looked down at him. He looked grim.

“Angus, you need to try harder,” he scolded him and it hurt, because he thought he had done everything he could.

“I’ll do, I promise, just please don’t leave,” he replied. He would try harder. Exceed his limits and grow further. He would.

“You’ll break this promise, no need to stay,” his father said and then turned around and left for the door.

“Dad! Please, I’ll be better, I promise. I can do better. I try harder, but please don’t leave me alone, stay!” Jack was suddenly woken by Mac screaming: “Please…don’t leave me. I’ll be good, I promise,” and Jack’s heart broke into so many tiny little pieces that he was sure that it could never be mended again. He got up and sat down next to his kid and folded him into a hug holding him tight against his chest. He rocked him back and forth while whispering into his ear: “I’m here. You’re not alone. No need to try harder. I’ll stay, promised,” he said like a mantra while Mac begged for whomever to stay and not to leave him. When Edith passed by the bedroom, she couldn’t help but wonder how such a hurt and battered soul could’ve possibly stayed strong for so long. And she watched her son cradle his kid in his arms placing soft kisses on top of his head. Jack felt how his t-shirt grew damp with tears. Mac didn’t stop begging no matter what Jack said and no matter how tight he held onto him. He felt a tear roll down his own cheek and then another one. Jack was crying. Crying for his kid and all the pain he has had to endure. At some point, Mac went limp in his arms too exhausted to cry and beg. Jack gently lay him back to bed and lay down next to him. He wrapped his own body around Mac like a shield and Mac shifted a little closer to him.

The next morning blue and confused eyes greeted him. Mac looked god awful. So did Jack.

“Hey hoss, how you’re doing?” he asked his kid. Mac needed some time to process the words and blinked a few times before he mumbled: “’m tired,” and then fell back to sleep snuggling a little deeper into Jack and Jack realised that Mac was still not out of it. Later that day Frank told him that the streets were free again. They bundled Mac up and loaded him into the truck and raced to the ER. Dr. Walter called the hospital and announced that they would come in flying with a serious case of pneumonia. Reaching the ER was a relief. Now Mac could receive the proper treatment he needed.

The diagnosis was even worse than Dr. Walter had assumed. Double pneumonia. Not only as a result from Mac’s dip into the creek, but probably something he’s been carrying around for a while now. Heavy antibiotics, oxygen and breathing treatments when the fever was down. Jack settled down in the recliner in the room Mac was settled in. He took the hand which was not attached to an IV and rubbed gentle circles over it. And Mac stood in the basement of the fortress. He didn’t know where to go, didn’t know the way out. And then he saw people approach. His parents, his grandfather, Gwen and Jack. They walked towards him. He waived at them. He tried to talk to them, but they just walked past him without recognising him. They didn’t even turn around. He wanted to join them, walk with them, but he couldn’t move. His feet were glued to the concrete floor. He called for them, but they didn’t even turn around. He heard them talking, their voices echoed to him:

“Angus’s not like us. He’s a disappointment,” he heard his father’s voice say and it hurt. It hurt worse than a bullet into the chest.

“We had high expectations. Angus failed. We should’ve seen it coming,” his mother then added. The second bullet ripping through his chest.

“Mac’s just not part of this family. It’s a good thing we left him behind,” it was Jack’s voice that finally made Mac’s chest explode, ripped apart scattering the poor remains of his heart onto the floor. What Mac dreamt was his chest exploding was a heavy coughing fight which had him struggling for air and forced tears falling free. Jack once again slid behind him to ease him into a more comfortable position to provide help – any help. And Mac recognised the strong chest planted against his back. He recognised the scent and the voice, the hands that combed through his damp hair and when the coughs subsided, he turned his head towards that chest and buried his face in the smooth fabric of a well-worn t-shirt.

“Please, don’t leave me alone, I’ll do whatever you want me to, but please Jack, stay. There’s nobody else, I have nobody else,” Mac begged. He buried his face deeper into Jack’s shirt and more tears surfaced from the depth of his tortured soul. They nearly choked his words and Jack hugged him as tight as he could without hurting him. Never. He would never leave his kid. He would never abandon him.

“I won’t leave you, never. Promise. No matter what you do and no need for you to change. You’re perfect the way you are for me,” Jack reassured his kid fighting his own tears again, without success. He’s always known that his kid had abandonment issues. He’s never thought about their dimension. It was sheer torture seeing his kid suffer like this. Witnessing this deep-rooted fear of being left alone again and of not being good enough was unbearable. He felt some of the pain that Mac felt and it tore him apart from the inside. He didn’t let go off Mac. Never left his side. Never stopped telling him that he wouldn’t leave him.

At some point the nightmares disappeared and Mac stopped fighting whatever demon was hunting him. The antibiotics kicked in and the fever went down eventually.

Mac woke to a soft snoring to his right. He had a bad headache and his chest burnt like it was on fire. He felt a tight sensation wrapped around it. His body ached all over. He turned his head and saw Jack sleeping in recliner which Mac immediately identified as hospital furniture. He felt like he was waking up from a bad trip.

“Hey hoss,” Jack said when he saw that Mac was awake. His eyes looked tired but less clouded.

“Hey, you’re there,” Mac croaked with hoarse voice. Somehow it felt strange that someone was there with him. The fever left him with the feeling of having been abandoned endless times again and again.

“Where else would I be?” Jack said figuring out that the question was the result from Mac’s feverish nightmares.

“Thanks…for being there…for staying,” Mac said feeling the sudden need to make Jack realise that it wasn’t understood that he was there to help Mac the way he did. And Jack understood it just that way and got up, because he wanted that it was natural for his kid that someone was there for him. He wanted his kid to claim this right for him from him: the right for love and care.

“Do you mind?” Jack asked Mac carefully and when Mac shook his head, he sat down next to him in the bed and took him into his arms. All love he could muster up poured out of him and the one or other drop was absorbed by Mac, who slowly concluded that maybe he wasn’t alone after all and that maybe, he deserved some love and care once in a while and just maybe, he tried hard enough and it wasn’t only his fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: What will Mac do? Will he stay or will he go?


	34. Epilogue - Back in Black

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear all, thank you soooo much for taking the time and reading the story, for leaving kudos and comments. I appriciate all of it and I hope you could enjoy this little story of mine.

Mac sat at the kitchen table reading the letter again and again. He had made his decision. Move on. That had been his plan before he went in on the encounter with the pneumonia. He was still on heavy antibiotics, but wasn’t on strict bed rest anymore, although Jack was still wary about Mac walking around in the house and on the ranch. Mac had picked up the lighter chores again. He had missed the dogs thus he had started feeding and training them again. He had found a way to work efficiently on that without full use of his right arm. If Archimedes had taught him one thing that it was that it was about how you approached the dogs and not about how loud you called or whistled for them. And the dogs still accepted him.

Mac still couldn’t say with certainty whether he was over the past events. He still had nightmares and his mind was still racing once in a while, but it got better. He finally had started to compartmentalise. He knew that Jack wasn’t happy about his way to handle things, but Mac was not yet ready to try another approach like counselling as suggested by Jack and Frank. Mac was still not sure whether things could have turned out for the better if he had tried harder, but Jack didn’t grow tired of telling him that it was not all on him, but that those events were the results of a collective failure. Jack also kept on telling him that he wasn’t responsible for what happened to his mother and for this father’s death. He tried to make his kid understand that what James MacGyver did was something every loving father would have done. Jack suspected that his kid struggled to grasp the idea that his father might actually have loved him and for this had trouble accepting what Jack said. Jack wouldn’t give up on this, though. Both men hoped that maybe sometime these words would finally sink in.

Edith, however, was pleased to see that Mac slowly started to settle more into their family. He didn’t yet feel like he was family, too, but he also didn’t reject that idea which was a first step into the right direction. Duke didn’t stop pointing out that Mac leaving the ranch was a loss across the board, because seriously, he was a multi-talent and he really could use some help in the office. Mac tried to assure him that he wasn’t gone forever and if need be, he would jump in whenever necessary. Lucinda understood his need to return to L.A., but warned him to come back, because at least one of the men in the house should have proper manners. Her siblings were simply not capable of that. This comment led to some heavy banter, watched by Edith and Frank who thought that now there were six kids to have an eye on.

“You know, you don’t have to do this, if you don’t want to,” Jack said when he approached Mac from behind seeing the letter in his hand. He wasn’t happy about Mac’s move. In his opinion, Mac should stay at the ranch and take some more time to recover. The pneumonia had been a heavy trip for all of them.

“I know Jack, but I want to. I want to, to make a final cut and leave it all behind,” Mac replied watching Jack easing down in a chair in front of him.

“Washington D.C., are you ready for this? I mean, you’re still on antibiotics and don’t forget about your breathing exercises,” Jack pointed out that Mac was still to be considered sick.

“The doc said that it was okay. I must avoid physical exertion. That’s all,” Mac tried to calm down Jack: “You can join, if it would make you feel better,” Mac offered and Jack appreciated it. He was close to take Mac upon it, but he saw a disapproving look from his mother in the reflection of the kitchen window. Mac had to move on and start to get back his life. He had to let him go.

“Nah, a call from you once in a while is enough. You know, so I can make sure, you’re okay,” Jack replied. Only because Mac left the ranch, it didn’t mean he left Jack and his family. They both understood that.

“You’re going straight back to L.A. afterwards?” Jack asked. Mac hadn’t been sure about it, but decided it was time to pick up the pieces of the life which were still left. Maybe it was enough to start a new life with. At least he would find out, where he needed replacements and improvements.

“Yeah, I need to get in touch with Bozer again. I think, he needs to talk things through, too. Also, I need to go back to my house. See whether it’s still mine of whether Riley occupies it now,” Mac said with a wink of humour. Mac and Jack never really talked about Riley and what to think about what she had done or not done. But Jack concluded that Mac somehow understood her. He didn’t seem too annoyed that she was still living in his home. They definitely needed to talk things through, too. Jack was a little afraid of what would then still be left of their little family. It’s once been them: Jack, Mac, Riley, Bozer, Desi and Matty. Now it felt like only Jack and Mac were left. Codex and Russ had forced them to take sides and show their real faces. Jack wouldn’t take it Mac amiss if he decided to break with his team. They’ve dropped him after all. Mac hadn’t made up his mind. He wasn’t sure whether he was angry at Riley or Desi or even Matty. He was sure as hell that he never wanted to see Russ Taylor again. But that was about it. The rest, he had to figure out. One step after another. He couldn’t ask for more, not from him and not from others. It was hard for him to accept the slow pace. He’s always been on the fast track, but maybe this was just another thing he had to leave behind.

Jack looked into Mac’s eyes. They were clearer now. Not dull or confused. Sometimes sadness would fall over them like a veil, but not for long and usually Jack found a way to get his kid out of that funk quite quickly.

He produced a bunch of keys out of his pocket and placed them in front of Mac.

“What’s these?” Mac asked taking the keys, inspecting them.

“Keys for the ranch, of course. To the main house, the stable, office, guest house and so on,” Jack told Mac and earned a disbelieving look. He had foreseen it. His Mom had warned him, but agreed that it was time to drive the stake in.

“What?…” Mac was a little confused and maybe overwhelmed? He never possessed so many keys. It had never been more than the one to his home and the one to the Phoenix.

“Well, I want you to be able to let yourself in. You know? So, you can come by whenever you feel like it without having to check whether someone’s there to open the door for you,” Jack said and meant it. This ranch was supposed to be Mac’s home, too. He wanted to make sure that Mac came back to him, no matter when, no matter why. He wanted Mac to be by his side.

“Oh…okay…thank you?” Mac replied and Jack grinned. He had a bet running with Frank, if Mac would use the keys right from the start or whether he would still call a few times and ask whether it was okay to come by.

“You’re welcome, kid. Always and ever,” Jack said and then hugged his kid.

****

Mac sat in a huge room which reminded him of a courtroom. The panel had all their eyes on him, but he wasn’t nervous. He had said what he had to say and answered their questions to their satisfaction. He wasn’t out for revenge. He was out for the truth.

“Mr. MacGyver, we see that you were discharged from your duties at the Phoenix. What were the reasons?” the panel asked.

“Personal differences between me and Mr. Taylor,” Mac replied. The panel nodded. Not believing his statement, but he wasn’t here to nail someone. He would have to sort this out, too one day. But today wasn’t the right one.

“Alright Mr. MacGyver we accept that this is rather a sensitive issue, you’re not ready to go into depth. But, please let me ask one last question,” the panel started, all eyes were fixed on him.

“Mr. MacGyver, should we decide to reinstall the Phoenix as a governmental Agency, would you accept a job offer as Director of the Agency?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Outlook: How will Mac decide? Find out in the second part of this series "Phoenix Ascending - rise and fly too high": Mac tries hard to get back his own life, but his sense of responsibility drags him into a dangerous situation. He is once again left to tidy up his father's mess, but this time it also endangers the Daltons. All this happens while Jack and his family try to make Mac part of their family. They soon have to realise that it is not as easy. They also see that there was more behind Mac's break down after the Codex debacle and Mac's reluctance to get actual help bites him into his ass. Jack tries all in his power to be there for his kid, but there is only so much he can take.


End file.
